Quote: Keeper @ January 7 2010, 10:41 PM GMTI think I'm more suited to writing long unedited drivel for a huge salary.
Guardian columnist alert!
Newsjack Quickie Failures Page 2
Quote: Kevin Murphy @ January 7 2010, 10:40 PM GMTBITTER NORTHERN COMEDY WRITER: I was trying to get the maximum audience for my Radio 7 one-liners, so I posted them to this thread instead.
Of course the Pope supports the fox-hunting ban. He knows what it's like to be chased by a fence-jumping nutter in a red coat every Christmas.
A recent poll showed that a third of women treasure their mobile phone more than the man in their life. Who'd have thought it – two thirds of mobile phones don't have a vibrate facility.
OK - so they were right.
Quote: Badge @ January 7 2010, 10:00 PM GMTOoh, thank's zooo for weaving your secret magic.
Here are my vox flops this week. Pummel, praise or ignore.
I see the Ultimo bra woman got an OBE. Well, if they're going to hand out honours for giving inflated support to a pair of tits then Louis Walsh must be due a knighthood.
When I heard the Master was returning I was very pleased but it seems he really has been replaced by Chris Evans after all.
John Major's one to talk! He has a go at Blair for going into Iraq without good reason, but he kept very quiet when he did the same thing to Edwina Currie.
Sydney's new year fireworks were carbon neutral were they? Don't give me that – I flew ten thousand miles just to see 'em!
Well, I think all of these are funny - so you should just assume that they're too clever. More Radio 4
Quote: Larkin @ January 7 2010, 10:46 PM GMT
Of course the Pope supports the fox-hunting ban. He knows what it's like to be chased by a fence-jumping nutter in a red coat every Christmas.
Best loser so far for me.
Thanks Badge. I'm only part-suicidal now. 
This was all I could come up with this week. I need to get in practice for A Hard Day's Month.
"Following the attack by a Muslim extremist on the home of the Danish cartoonist who allegedly ridiculed the prophet Mohammed, a large ginger cat has been destroyed by a SWAT Team near the home of a Mr Jim Davis in America."
Quote: Keeper @ January 7 2010, 10:51 PM GMTWell, I think all of these are funny - so you should just assume that they're too clever. More Radio 4
Thank you Keeper. Better luck for us all next time.
The new body scanner at Heathrow which allows security staff to see passengers in the nude led to a 3 hour delay on Sunday.
After Myleen Klass had to pass through it 200 times, just to be on the safe side.
2So they've got one of those new body scanners that let you see people in the nudey at Heathrow? It won't work Al Quaeda will just recruit Piers Morgan and Dawn French who wants to look at them in the nude?
3A quarter of Icelanders have signed a petition against paying money back to the Island's creditors. The other three quarters were too busy trying to mug Bjork.
4We would like to apologise for the misleading report last week. That due to airline security passengers will no longer be allowed to use the toilet, wear underwear or pick their noses.
These applied to Ryan Air only and you can do any of them if you're willing to pay a £5 charge.
5New years eve revellers trapped in a pub for 3 days by torrential snow were disappointed to find they hadn't broken the record for longest time drinking. After Gordon Brown gave a press conference and said "I did what to the economy?"
6Police are concerned about the 37 million counterfeit pound coins in circulation. Especially since the imitation pound coins made from bits of old tin foil are worth considerably more than real pound coins.
7So councils want to stick urinals on wheelie bins. Not only do they take the piss now their recycling it!
8Jacob Zuma has just got married for the 3rd time, Archbishop Desmond Tutu has made it clear. He should only get married another 3 times, as Sunday is the day of rest.
9An ill informed terrorist group planning to make a protest this has led to both Bertie Bassett and Fred Bassett going into hiding.
10Gordon Brown has responded angrily to claims that Gurkhas retiring in Britain need help as many come with nothing. He retorted "We send them to Afghanistan with nothing what do they expect?"
11David Cameron has said he will provide a supermarket ombudsman if he is presenter. They will protect local farmers, ensure English produce is sold and allow fox hunting in the bakery department.
Sootyj some good lines but sort out your punctuation! Hard to read.
My failed corrections;
Apparently last week's story about NASA struggling to get funding for their search of extraterrestrial life was not true as they've now found a load of money down the back of the SETI.
Contrary to reports in last week's sports news the FIA are not considering holding the German leg of the World Rally Championships in Nuremburg.
We'd just like to point out that after last week's report regarding the dispute by homeowners over which house in Stratford belonged to Shakespeare the local tourist board have now agreed to put a plaque upon both their houses.
Contrary to our special health report last week we'd like to make it clear that it isn't true that black men cannot get arrhythmia.
Apparently last week's "And Finally" story about an Indian man receiving a heart transplant from a cockerel was due to a mistranslation of the words "Chicken" and "Ticker".
When we suggested that Nick Clegg was seeking a mandate to become Prime Minister we'd misunderstood and it was not a wish that he had a close male friend to go to Lazerquest with.
2009/2010 Headlines
1.) This week Sir John Major criticised Tony Blair over the Iraq war, a mere Seven years after the invasion. Sir John, Or, 'The J-Dog', as he now likes to be called, finished the interview by wishing Sven and the boys the best of luck in Euro 2004.
2.) Boxer David Haye became World Heavyweight champion after dancing around 7 foot tall Nikolai Valuev for 12 boring rounds. The judge, a Mr Len Goodman, awarded Haye the points decision based on his footwork and swivelling Snake like hips.
3.) At Christmas Eve Mass the Pope, despite being armed with a large stick, was tackled to the ground by a girl. A few days later Silvio Berlusconi was assaulted with a miniature Cathedral. Fearing more embarrassing pansy-ish attacks on high profile Italians, the Super Mario Brothers have been placed under protective Police custody... In a Wendy House.
Vox Pops
1.) I don't understand politics, it's more complicated than a Dr Who Christmas special. So at the Election will Gordon Brown re-generate into David Cameron? And if so, does that mean William Hague is a Cyberman? You know, because of his shiny polished head?
Loved sootys
Quote: sootyj @ January 7 2010, 11:53 PM GMTThe new body scanner at Heathrow which allows security staff to see passengers in the nude led to a 3 hour delay on Sunday.
After Myleen Klass had to pass through it 200 times, just to be on the safe side.and Shoepies
[quote name="ShoePie" post="572078" date="January 8 2010, 8:51 AM GMT"]2009/2010 Headlines
1.) This week Sir John Major criticised Tony Blair over the Iraq war, a mere Seven years after the invasion. Sir John, Or, 'The J-Dog', as he now likes to be called, finished the interview by wishing Sven and the boys the best of luck in Euro 2004.
Am going to have a listen to the show try a few things for next week.
Some nice ones hidden away in there. Agree about sooty's Mylene Klass one particularly, and all of Badge's were professionally polished, I thought.
Anyway, here are my used-less attempts:
(BLOKE)Tell you what I got for Christmas: that Tiger Woods Pro Tour. It looked like just another golf game, but as soon as you pull up in front of the first hooker's house, you realise it's not! I've already worn out the Wii-lly attachment! Well above par!
Tell you what: that Day Of The Tulips was scary! I had no idea they could do that! I went into the garden and macheted them all before they got too big! I'm never going to Amsterdam!
Two people a week have surgical instruments left inside them. I'm not complaining, mind. These electric shock paddles have made me immortal!
(OAP)Not having a job makes young people feel isolated and depressed, does it? Well, I worked for forty years and felt isolated and depressed throughout...
(MIDDLE-AGED BLOKE) Trade in your old boiler for 400 quid off a new one? It just shows how out of touch the government are if they think that's gonna cover the cost of another wedding, more kids *and* extra alimony. Still, at least she'll be A-rated now...
Scientists have discovered five new worlds! Aztec, Industrial, Futuristic, Medieval… and Amanda Holden.
Dan
I have been inspired by the new writers on this thread to put up a couple of my submissions to see if anyone will offer any advice.
To be honest it has been useful looking at the critiques others have had as I think I have fallen into the same traps - along with not being that original or funny.
VOX POPS
(LONDON CAB DRIVER TYPE)
The bloke who got caught trying to blow up that plane studied an engineering degree in London for three years – I've said it before and I'll say it again; university simply does not provide people with the skills needed in the real world.
(TEENAGE MALE)
Well, I can't believe they are having someone with his reputation on Big Brother. Look at the things he has done over the years, the fighting, the bad behaviour, then he did that song with Posh Spice – I hope Vinny knocks him out!
(FEMALE PENSIONER)
I have no idea when they are going to call the General Election luv! Can't be for a while, I don't think Davina has announced the telephone numbers yet.
CORRECTIONS & CLARIFICATIONS
Last week we ran an obituary piece on Lady Thatcher. We would like to apologise for this error but would remind our listeners to hang on in there because it can't be far off can it?
Last week we ran an obituary for Lady Thatcher. We would like to apologise for this error which was due to unforeseen eagerness by a particularly left wing researcher.
Last week during a report on the X Factor, we referred to Simon Cowell as Simon Bowel. We would like to apologise for this error and the satirical truth that it inadvertently contained.
Last week we mixed up reports on the X Factor's Simon Cowell and South American revolutionary, Simon Bolivar. We wish to clarify that Cowell's theories have not inspired a number of left wing Latin leaders; while Bolivar would never have put Jedward through.
In last week's movie show we awarded James Cameron's Avatar five boxes of popcorn and claimed that it was the most important movie release in decades. It has now come to our attention that it is, in fact, nothing of the sort. We can only apologise for the original review which, we now accept, may have been slightly biased due to our preoccupation with the Studio's lavish marketing campaign, the wonderful variety of freebies that they sent us and the fact that none of us had actually seen it.
My failed attempts...
VOX – POPS
1) It's madness, explosives in his underpants. I mean did you see 'em? I haven't seen underwear like that since they closed 'Balti Towers' down the road.
2) What do I think of the 86 year old politician caught on video with three women? I think his hip surgeon needs a pat on the back.
3) I can't believe they're banning 'two fat ladies' from the bingo halls, Sue and Pam were regulars.
4) I think it's a great idea Subo and Lady Gaga collaborating, I mean its like Dame Edna and Lilly Savage getting together, Wonderful.
5) Really, Viagra bed sheets? That'll save time making the bed. They'll be stiff as a board.
One-Liners:
Following the Detroit bomb plot, UK airports will be installing new hi-tech full body scanners, which can see through clothing. Sales of Gok Wans 'How to look good naked' have gone through the roof.
Binge-drinking is costing the NHS more than £2.7billion a year. Corrrr imagine how many shot's you could get with that.
News bullet, faster than a punch from Alex Reid and as compact as Dane Bower's face.