British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Quickie Failures Page 11

Glad I've come across this site - have sent some stuff to Newsjack last week and this (today). Not really sure I should bother though - I listened to the last episode and frankly thought it was very weak - jokes about smelly Frenchmen and Timmy Mallett for God's sake! Most of the stuff I've read on here is miles funnier - who's in charge at Radio 7!
Anyway, here are my ones from last week and this. Love some feedback - by teh

Corrections

Apologies to any of our listeners who were confused by our story of Amy Winehouse's court appearance for assaulting a theatre manager during a production of Cinderella in Milton Keynes. After her conviction, we reported she had been chosen to play the pantomime villain in next Christmas' show, Beauty and the Beast, but we can now confirm she has been offered one of the lead roles. Katherine Jenkins will co-star as Beauty.

VoxPop
It's all chocolate in the news at the moment. First we had all the trouble at Cadbury and now all we hear about are Terry's problems.

Sportsbullet 1
John Terry has apologised for letting down England fans after news broke of his extra-marital affair. He said he got into the habit several years ago after taking advice from former manager Sven-Goran Erikkson.

Sportsbullet 2
Roger Federer has apologised for saying, prior to the Australian Open Final, that Britain hadn't won a Grand Slam for 150,000 years. "The figure was too high by at least a factor of 10" he said, shortly before demolishing GB's best hope for years, Andy Murray, 3 sets to love.

Sketch - CRACK SNIFFER DOGS
The news that a company is encouraging parents to hire its sniffer dogs if they suspect their child is taking drugs, has been criticised by many civil liberties groups and young people themselves. One teenager said "I'm very worried about how my Dad would react if Mum hired one of these dogs. I've been getting hold of stuff for him for years now". Another was quoted as saying, "Erm, I don't do drugs personally, but I think this is a really heavy situation man and it all just makes my head spin round and other things that I can't remember but they're bound to be a real downer that's for sure."

Derek Nuttyman from the RSPCA condemned the idea that animals from the Battersea Dogs Home be used as canine drug sniffers: "Imagine for a minute if the situation was reversed; how do you think your pet dog would feel if kids from the local orphanage came round to his house unannounced and started sniffing round his bed for hidden chocolate drops?"

In the 1980s the Dutch tried a similar approach with unforeseen consequences – after several years on duty, Amsterdam's crack sniffer dog team became the world's first canine crack addicts, taking over buildings in run-down areas and turning them into crack kennels. These have subsequently been made legal and trade with the local human population is brisk. "If you think you can get cheaper and better stuff elsewhere you're barking up the wrong tree" said one satisfied customer.

A spokesman for Barneveld Wimpers, one of the Top Dogs in the red light district, made it clear to our reporter that his client would only give interviews to journalists who take him for a walk or give him a treat, but did read a statement from his master: "Any well-trained British sniffer dogs that are smuggled out of the country are welcome to come here and beg for a job running with my pack. We are particularly keen on recruiting heavily Bearded Collies, Bull Terrifiers from Staffordshire and guard or watchdogs that won't panic when we're up Shiatsu creek without a poodle".

We can now go over live to a press conference being held at offices of the company concerned, Stop and Sniff, where we are joined by our roving, or should that be Rover-ing reporter, or even newshound, Rebecca Fielding

"Hello Rebecca, are there any more whippets, sorry snippets of news you can tell us about?"

"Well if we could dispense with the awful jokes for a minute Peter, we are serious journalists after all, I can tell you that the press conference has been delayed because of a demonstration outside the building by an angry mob of drug-sniffing cocker spaniels who are demanding the company put more resources into caring for work colleagues who fall into addiction through performing their duties."

"Have you ever been sniffed by a Spaniel Rebecca? Cocker or otherwise?"

"Not for drugs at any rate. Now if I could continue please (brief silence) . . . thank you . . . now the debate has been going on . . . sorry I'll have to stop there and we can now hear the Chief Executive of Stop and Sniff, Donald B. White."

[Spoken with slight Italian accent]
"Grazie mille – I mean thank you everyone for coming along. First of all I would like to make it clear that Stop and Sniff is a responsible organisation. We only ever enter people's houses when invited to by a parent and always when the child is not present to avoid any ugly scenes or excessive crying. It also means the crafty bugger will not have had any chance to hide the stash. As for our sniffers, I can assure everyone that despite all the whimpering and whining you may have heard on the way in today, only a minority of our animals become crack addicts."

"Simon Thompson, The Herald – when you say a "minority" what is that in percentage terms?"

"Around 49"

"How do you respond to reports that you are not Donald B. White from Tresco in the Scilly Isles but Don Bertolli Bianchi from Trapani in Sicily?

"It's not true but I cannot say any more as I have taken a code of silence."

"Well at least tell us what happens to all the drugs you find?"

"They will either be stored in one of our safe, sorry I mean warehouses, until they can be disposed of or they can be returned to the child concerned on payment of a fine."

"Do you not think that people may interpret that as drug dealing?"

"No, no, no – the fines are a punishment and in any case are split 50-50 with the parents. No more questions please, I have to attend a meeting with the other bosses, I mean our competitors."

"Well that seems to be the end of the press conference – back to you in the studio."

"Rebecca Fielding there reporting – lovely - if I was dog I'd quite happily sniff her bottom. Now in further news today . . . "

These aren't failures yet Rory!

First off Rory - you don't have to post stuff until you know they won't use it. Secondly, what's with the sketch? Have you actually listened to 'Newsjack'? It looks more like a newspaper article than a comedy sketch. Listen to the show and download a radio sketch template from the writer's room.

The only thing that is even vaguely in the style of 'Newsjack' is the chocolate Vox Pop - which is excellent, BTW. Just the sort of stuff they'd go for.

It just puzzles me how you got it so right, and so wrong in the same post. Good luck!

There's a lot of good ones here. Badge; yours are all great and Larkin's Pope gag is top notch too.

Don't forget, just because they didn't get in it doesn't mean that they weren't liked, just that the producers have to pick through so many and yours just didn't make it this time. Keep writing and sending them in till the end of the series.

I had one voxpop on series one and I've had a one-liner in Newsbullet this series:

Series one
Voxpop: Personally I don't have a problem with Esther Rantzen running for Luton. I live in Inverness.

Series two
Newsbullet: It's over before you can say 'Labour Leadership Challenge'.

I'll have a rifle through my documents and chuck some of my rejections on here for everyone to laugh at - for all the wrong reasons.

Here's my no-gos:

Episode 1

CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER: Good evening and happy new year. After the news, David Tennant will be a guest on the One Show. And the next show. And any other show we can think of including, on BBC 1, Dr. Who; on BBC 2, Dr. Why and on BBC 3, Dr. Because-I've-Got-A-Better-Agent-Than-You.

Voxpop:
WOMAN:My new years resolutions for 2010 are to go green and use less energy. I'm going to cancel my gym membership and smear myself in avocado.

Episode 2

VOICEOVER: Newsbullet – drawing a chalk line round the bloody corpse of ignorance.

VOICEOVER: Newsbullet – Compressed and decluttered like a minimalists wheelie bin.

GIRL NEWSREADER: Snow made a comeback in the UK this week, but we're not talking about that white ragga artist who did 'Informer'. No we mean the white stuff that brings an airport to a standstill that you don't need to stuff in your underpants.

VOICEOVER: Newsbullet – faster than a wino's mood swing.

Episode 3
MILES: Gordon Brown intends to win the next election by appealing to 'Middle England'. This is a bit like Dappy from NDUBZ recording a country and western album, or maybe becoming an ambassador for cyber-bullying. Oh, wait that actually happened.

F/X: MOBILE PHONE RINGS

MILES: Sorry, this is a bit embarrassing. Er… hello?

GORDON BROWN: Hey, you. Don't be dissin' my policies, bitch.

MILES: I'm sorry, who is this? How did you get this number?

GORDON BROWN: It's Gordon Brown you mutha and you've beensaying some bad shizzle about my party. You better watch you back 'cos I'll cut you deeper than the public purse.

F/X: DIAL TONE

MILES: Gordon Brown there, appealing as ever.

Correction:
Earlier in the show we compared Dappy from NDUBZ to Gordon Brown. Following a text we received from Mr. Dappy we'd like to retract all comments and apologise whole-heartedly. We have families.

Episode 4

MILES:In a bid to curb binge drinking, the two main parties have joined forces to curb the "Aggressive Selling to Drunks and Adolescents". Or ASDA as it's sometimes known.

and finally...

ANNOUNCER: Newsbullet – raising the journalist threat to "severe".

************************************
- Just to prove you can't get it right all the time - MP

Here's my rejection.

SHE COULD HAVE DIED

Melody Ramah: an ambitious reporter who likes to talk in overdramatic tones whatever the news item.

ANGUS: In other news. Following the big thaw after recent icy weather conditions, it’s snow news that attention has been focused on councils whose roads are now full of potholes. (Did you see the pun-cum-segue there? SNOW NEWS. Good eh) So um now to Melody who’s talking to a member of public who fell victim to a pothole whilst crossing the road. Melody

LOCATION: A busy street

MELODY: Yes Angus I am standing outside on a busy road somewhere in London and I have Alya who tripped and fell on a pothole. Alya tell me again, what happened to you this morning?

ALYA: I was crossing the road when I tripped on a pothole.

MELODY: [DRAMATICALLY] And you fell down?

ALYA: No I didn’t fall down, I told you I tripped. To be honest I wasn’t looking where I was going I was so busy texting.

MELODY: But you could have fallen down, hit your head on the pavement, split it open and DIED.

ALYA: Yeah but I didn’t

MELODY: But you could have done. Tell the people

ALYA: Tell the people what exactly?

MELODY: That you could have DIED.

ALYA: But I didn’t, did I? [SARCASTICALLY] Look would it help if I cross the road again, accidentally fall down and hurt myself now?

MELODY: [DRAMATICALLY] It would be a very great help but only if it hurts. [PREGNANT PAUSE] You.

ANGUS: Um, Melody is there anyone else that you could talk to? Like an RAC spokesperson or a motorist?

MELODY: [SULKILY] No, just Alya

ALYA: Right I’m gonna go now if that’s ok with you?

ANGUS: Melody, have you spoken to anyone else this morning about ANYTHING?

MELODY: [PERKS UP] Yeah I did earlier

ANGUS: And who was it?

MELODY: [DRAMATICALLY] It was a woman

[PAUSE]

ANGUS: Go on

MELODY: It was bobsleigh competitor, Gillian Cooke. When I asked her how she felt about her pants splitting in front of the entire world, she confirmed that she was so embarrassed [PAUSE] she could have DIED.

ANGUS: Thank you Melody. Next week Melody will be interviewing Haitian earthquake survivors whilst pointing out the bloody obvious.

So, you've never listened to Newsjack then?

I have.

Who's Angus then?

News bullet, so cool it puts the Yeah man into Yeman.

Now - that's actually very good.

Quote: R.J. @ February 2 2010, 11:02 PM GMT

Who's Angus then?

It's the anchor man.

VOX POP

ANGRY MAN: Well these potholes are a real danger aren't they? Last night my eggs got burnt and my cooker's ruined because all the water escaped.

Quote: funnyfnarr @ February 2 2010, 11:03 PM GMT

It's the anchor man.

Right - the anchor man who's called Miles Jupp

Quote: R.J. @ February 2 2010, 11:05 PM GMT

Right - the anchor man who's called Miles Jupp

Oh that's just a minor detail. If they wanted/liked it they would have amended it.

There's no answer to that. Oh wait there is. Why not call him Napoleon Arsefactory then?

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