Another failed Newsjack submission. Two sketches in one, maybe. Seems a bit lame now I re-read it.
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AIRPORT SECURITY
MILES
In response to the failed Detroit plane bombing, the government is ramping up security at airports, vowing to make air travel so wrist-slashingly miserable that National Express starts to look appealing.
FX: AIRPORT ATMOS
SECURITY
Step through now, sir.
FX: METAL DETECTOR BEEPING
SECURITY
Step to one side, sir. Could you empty your pockets please?
FX: POCKETS CONTENTS IN BOWL
SECURITY
If you wouldn't mind removing your shoes.
MAN
(SIGHS, MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)
FX: SHOES ON TABLE
SECURITY
And if you could just loosen your belt buckle.
FX: BELT BUCKLE. TROUSER FUMBLING.
SECURITY
Now turn your head and cough.
MAN
(COUGHS)
SECURITY
Great. Thank you very much.
FX: ATMOS OUT
MILES
And if that doesn't sound like enough of a pain in the balls, airports are also installing new full-body scanners that can see through clothes. The government has promised, however, that strict privacy safeguards will be enforced.
FX: AIRPORT ATMOS. DOOR CLOSES.
MANAGER
Harris, sit down. You're here because we've received rather a lot of complaints about your how you're using these new body scanners.
SECURITY
Really, sir?
MANAGER
Yes. This man, for example, why did you detain him?
SECURITY
This man has a birthmark on his posterior, sir, in the shape of a WMD.
MANAGER
And this woman?
SECURITY
Believed to be smuggling an item of Middle-Eastern origin, sir.
MANAGER
What item?
SECURITY
A camel-toe, sir.
MANAGER
This really isn't good enough. And what about this poor woman?
SECURITY
She was carrying more than the permitted amount of liquids, sir. Two pints.
MANAGER
Good grief, Harris, the woman was breastfeeding!
END
