VOAnd now as part of Channel 4's experiments in combining hard hitting cutting current affairs and reality TV, Come Dine With BNP.
GRAMSCOME DINE WITH ME THEME TUNE
NICK GRIFFINTonight I'll be preparing a traditional English feast. Rice followed by mashed potatoes, followed by rice pudding with milk on the side. It's all white like England should be.
VONick's a great reality TV show star. He's chubby, ignorant and looks like he's going to cry a lot.
NICK GRIFFINNow let's see look at the race...I mean rice.
VOThis could be a bit of a disappointment for Nick.
NICK GRIFFINOh no! It's brown rice, English rice has been white since the Ice Age. And the rice pudding is full of currants. They're all brown how did they get in there?
FXDOOR BELL
VOAnd the first of Nick's guest has just arrived. It's Churchill.
NICK GRIFFINHe's my hero. He knew what to do with fascists...join them I think.
FXDOOR OPENS
NICK GRIFFINOh that Churchill.
CHURCHILL (THE BULLDOG OFF THE INSURANCE ADVERTS) Oh yus.
NICK GRIFFINI really am an idiot.
CHURCHILLOh yus.
2
ARGLE AND BARGLE 2 ALIENS ARE INVESTIGATING THE RUINS OF EARTH.
ARGLE AND BARGLE 2 ALIENS ARE INVESTIGATING THE RUINS OF EARTH.
BARGLE
Space Commander Argle we believe they called their planet Earth before they destroyed it.
ARGLE
Professor Bargle are you trying to say these human beings cooked their own planet? But why?
BARGLE
We may have an answer. One of their great leaders Brown the moronic ordered all their internet sites saved. He led a cabinet of giants who could flip multiple houses at once. These sites may contain the answers we seek.
ARGLE
Fantastic Professor Bargle. You are as wise as your tentacles are moist. What have they revealed?
BARGLE
I was reading on the site they called Beebo. The evil 2 headed emperor Jedwad was defeated by Joe McEldery who was killed for being a robot.
ARGLE
How do you know he was a robot?
BARGLE
He was killed by Rage Against the Machine at Christmas.
ARGLE
Professor Argle all 3 of your brains are brilliant. Did you find anything else?
BARGLE
Well we found another website called Twitter. "got on a bus," "had a sandwich for lunch," "had a sandwich on a bus, I really like Stephen Fry's Twitter, I wander if he likes sandwiches?"
ARGLE
Oh by Blogthrag they bored them selves to death.
BARGLE
The poor wretches.
3
BARRACK OBAMA IS TALKING TO HILARY CLINTON.
HILARY
Bad news Mr President. The Chinese want their panda back.
BARRACK
Are you sure?
HILARY
They said they were cute, half black, half white and a bit useless. I thought they were talking about you. Don't worry we found a specialist Chinese company. They guarantee delivery in half an hour and give free prawn crackers.
FX PHONE RINGS
BARRACK ANSWERS IT
BARRACK
I see Mr President that is most unfortunate.
FX BARRACK HANGS UP
BARRACK
President Weng Jilbao just received 300 portions of stir fried Panda in black bean sauce.
What was the name of that moving company?
HILARY
The Happy Buddah and they're not a moving company. They call themselves a takeaway. They give away free prawn crackers.
BARRACK
They cooked the pandas this is a disaster. It's pandemonium!
HILARY
The Chinese love their pandas. Is this war?
BARRACK
It could be. Unless we get 240 cans of Budweiser and a 150 portions of egg fried rice to the Chinese presidential palace in the next half hour.
4
AGNES AND CECIL ARE ON A FLIGHT.
AGNES
It's a disgrace I can't bring my flask of tea on board.
CECIL
Well my Turtle Dove those chaps did try and bring explosive liquids on a plane.
AGNES
Shut up Cecil and stop picking your nose. And now we're not allowed to use the toilet.
CECIL
Well my little fruit tart that chap did try to make a bomb in the airplane toilet. Still at least you've got the empty thermos for that.
AGNES
Shut up Cecil. And will you please stop picking your nose. And that's not the worst. I can't believe we have to fly in the bloody nude.
CECIL
Well that man tried to smuggle a bomb in his Yfronts. Besides it's not all bad.
AGNES
If you don't stop staring at those nuns I'm going to bop you. And stop picking your nose.
CECIL
I'm not picking I'm scratching it.
STEWARDESS
I'm sorry sir can you please stop picking your nose.
CECIL
Oh this is too much! There's no semtex up my bloody hooter!
STEWARDESS
No sir this is Ryan Air it's £5 to pick your nose.