I wrote this over Christmas for Newsjack. Probably not the most topical sketch in the world, but I liked it.
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BBC CHRISTMAS LUNCH
MILES:
The festive season is now well and truly behind us. We've finished off the last of the mince pies, drank the last drop of Christmas booze, farted out the last of the sprouts, and hopefully forgotten about all the dire TV we watched. But why is Christmas telly so rubbish? We visited Television Centre to find out, starting in the BBC canteen...
FX: BBC CANTEEN ATMOS
BBC WOMAN:
Hello, could I have the Christmas lunch please?
SERVER:
Coming right up.
FX: PLASTIC BAG OF GUTS BEING DROPPED ON COUNTER
BBC WOMAN:
Oh my God! What the hell is that?
SERVER:
It's the BBC canteen Christmas special.
BBC WOMAN:
But it's just a big bag of offal.
SERVER:
It's a festive edition. A compilation of all the bits of unusable turkey we scraped up throughout the year, all the stuff we had to cut out the first time around.
BBC WOMAN:
How is that festive?
SERVER:
We've put a bit of tinsel on it, look.
BBC WOMAN:
But there's human hair in there.
SERVER:
Yeah, that's David Tennant's. BBC guidelines, I'm afraid – all Christmas output has to be at least 15% Tennant.
BBC WOMAN:
It's revolting.
SERVER:
You also get a free
FX: SLEIGH BELLS
BBC WOMAN:
A free
FX: SLEIGH BELLS
SERVER:
Yeah, wouldn't be Christmas without a
FX: SLEIGH BELLS
BBC WOMAN:
Can I have extra sprouts with it?
SERVER:
'Course you can luv, it is Christmas.
END
