Skit Comp 7-14.10

Another bumper batch but ultimate congrats to... SCRATCHYR for winnin'! That's 10 points, an excuse to get catflapped and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - scratchyr
2 - 5 - Mr Sunshine, me
1 - 1 - Gerry McDonnel, Nigel
Special Mention: Cool Mikado, Otterfox, Angiebaby

Your new subject: FEAR (suggested by Kasm)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 14.1.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

111 - Chris Forshaw
109 - Cool Mikado
103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
92 - Otterfox
88 - Fred Sunshine
86 - Nigel Kelly
82 - Charley Rance
76 - Timbo
70 - Michael Monkhouse
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
50 - Kasm
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
31 - Scratchyr
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
07 - Gerry McDonnell
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Angiebaby
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

AN 80 YEAR OLD WOMAN IS BEING INTERVIEWED IN HER FLORAL PRINT ARMCHAIR IN HER LIVING ROOM

The trouble with retirement is it's a bit like waiting to die, really.

It's as if ever since Roy passed away, I've lost my will to live.

Sometimes I just sit and stare out of the window, watching the trees
swaying in the wind.

Just staring,

Staring,

Just staring really .

I wonder if when the winter sets in jack frost might just take my
life away....

I watched Family Fortunes the other day. That Vernon Kay is a nice chap. Strong, firm buttocks.

*** CLOCK ON MANTLEPIECE CHIMES TWELVE O' CLOCK ****

Sometimes the local youths play outside, thumping their footballs against my garden wall, destroying my geraniums.

There was this one occasion when I heard this great big knock on the front door, and so I peered, ever so carefully, through the spy hole.

There two coloured boys stood, loitering in my pathway.

Their skin was a black as the night sky.

"Get out of the house!"

They shouted,

Banging on the door, like great big ghastly monsters.

"Your roof is on fire!"

"You need to open the door now!"

Good lord, I thought.

They must have been after my collection of china thimbles.

- As my Roy always said: "if the chaps' black, suspect an attack."

And so I just stood there, in the hallway, staring at my ornamental golden Labradors.

It took the fire fighters six and a half hours to rescue me from the blaze.

But at least I still have my dignity.

RADIO KAKA

TV STUDIO.

JONATHON DROSS: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I am Jonathon Dwoss welcoming you to Friday Blight.

(Music!)

JONATHON: Shut up… Now this year technology's gone cwazy, with the tweats of twitter, the madness of myspace, the fuwy of Facebook… Even the odd Email. But we can exclusively weveal the Net isn't just social networking and pornogwaphy. In fact I'd like to wemember the Mercry cellphone which is how I contacted my guest tonight, Freddy Mercury.

Enter Freddy Mercury to music.

JONATHON: Shut up…

FREDDY: Hi.

JONATHON: Now Freddy, this year's music scene…

FREDDY: Yes.

JONATHON: We've had a lot to get our teeth into – sorry that was ill-expwessed – there's been a load of little girl singers, which will interest you as you used to be one yourself.

FREDDY: How dare you.

JONATHON: Just a jape. You used to be a big girl.

FREDDY: That's better.

JONATHON: So how do you feel about this feast of female talent?

FREDDY: Well Drossy, I'm thrilled. In fact I know a song about it.

JONATHON: Oh no…

FREDDY: Yes it goes something like this.

(sings to the tune of 'Radio Gaga') Shakira sings of 'She-Wolf''s might,
Katy Perry likes girls all right.
Taylor Swift, 'You Belong to Me',
Beyoncé's 'Halo' and 'Sweet Dreams'.
(and 'Sweet Dreams')

Kelly Clarkson's life sucks without,
Kesha's 'Tik Tok' sounds all about.
Susan Boyle's – 'Wild Horses' flee
Then Pink perks up – 'Please Don't Leave Me'.

Rihanna rocks, 'Russian Roulette',
Lily Allen's 'Fear''s a safer bet.
Miley Cyrus, Alicia Keys,
Britney Spear's 'If You see Amy'.
Keri Hilson will 'Knock You Down',
Fergie's Black-Eyed Peas go 'Boom Boom Pow'.
(Boom Boom Pow)

All we fear is Lady Gaga.
She's really scary,
She makes us caca.
All we fear is Lady Gaga.
She's quite disturbing.
Lady Gaga? Phew.
Gaga scares the willies off you.

She acts spastic – it's really sick.
Her nose looks like – a monkey's dick.
At VMA – blood everywhere,
Vagina and a penis there.

She croons 'Just Dance', then 'Bad Romance',
I'd rather hear a baboon fart.
Her 'Poker Face' without make-up
Would make Marilyn Manson chuck.
'Paparazzi', she acted lame.
It made Michael Jackson look sane.
(Mike was sane)

All we fear is Lady Gaga
Yogi Bear's Booboo
Used better lacquer.
All we fear is Lady Gaga
She makes me poo poo.
Does her bloke shag 'er?
All we fear is Lady Gaga
Her nips are like daggers.
Lady Gaga? Oo!
Scares the poo off you.

Exit Freddy to applause.

Long pause.

JONATHON: Well thank you Freddy. Unfortunately this will be the last show following complaints from Russell Brand.

INT. DAY. ROOM.

DOCTOR:
Hello, I am Doctor Engelbert Dinkerhump and today I will be talking about phobias. Specifically, cibophobia which is a fear of food. With me is Ambrose Sprain a sufferer of this condition. Ambrose.

AMBROSE:
Doctor Dinkerhump.

DOCTOR:
At first glance you certainly don't look to have a fear of food. I would go as far as to say you're morbidly obese.

AMBROSE:
It's a sumo suit, I'm actually only six stone but I manage a bunch of lads and wouldn't want them ironically calling me 'Mr Muscle'.

DOCTOR:
And you're employed as?

AMBROSE:
I'm a head chef.

DOCTOR:
A head chef who's afraid of food?

AMBROSE:
Yep, the mere sight of a baked bean can cause me to hyperventilate. It's not too bad though.

DOCTOR?
How come?

AMBROSE:
I'm blind.

AMBROSE GROPES AROUND THE FLOOR, LIFTS UP A LUMP OF WOOD, GNAWS AT IT BRIEFLY THEN CHUCKS IT AWAY.

AMBROSE:
Too much coriander.

EXT.INSTITUTE FOR THE TREATMENT OF FEARS AND PHOBIAS.DAY

INT.RECEPTION.DAY

A WORRIED LOOKING WOMAN SLOWLY APPROACHES THE RECEPTION DESK GLANCING NERVOUSLY AS SHE PASSES MR. WILLIAMS, A PANIC STRICKEN LOOKING OLDER MAN, BEING GENTLY GUIDED TOWARDS THE MAIN ENTRANCE OF THE BUILDING BY A DOCTOR

DOCTOR
That's it; keep going Mr. Williams you're doing marvellously, that's it…

THE WOMAN REACHES RECEPTION

WOMAN
Hello, my names Carole Taylor, I've got an appointment to see Doctor Moore at twelve

RECEPTIONIST
Taylor? Are yes, scared of the sight of blood, is that right?

WOMAN (reacting slightly)
Yes, petrified

RECEPTIONIST
Please take a seat; I'll let the Doctor know you're here

WOMAN
Thank you

TRYING TO KEEP CALM CAROLE TAKES A SEAT IN FRONT OF A LARGE FRONT FACING WINDOW AS THE RECEPTIONIST DIALS A NUMBER ON HER PHONE

WOMAN
Dr. Moore? Carole Taylor your twelve o'clock appointment is here

INT.DOCTOR MOORE'S SIXTH FLOOR OFFICE.DAY

DOCTOR MOORE IS ON THE PHONE. HIS PATIENT MRS.RICHARDS LOOKS ON CLUTCHING A CARD WITH A SPIDER DRAWN ON IT

DR.MOORE
Thank you Sarah, I'm running a little late, please ask Miss Taylor to wait in reception will you? Thank you… Sorry about that, where was I?

MRS RICHARDS
You said that you felt that I was ready to confront a real spider now Doctor

DR. MOORE
Ah yes

DOCTOR MOORE REMOVES A LARGE MATCHBOX FROM HIS DESK DRAWER

DR. MOORE
Now just relax Mrs. Richards, remember the positive imaging and breathing exercises we've been practising…

THE DOCTOR OPENS THE MATCHBOX WIDE OPEN

DOCTOR MOORE
That's odd; I could have sworn it was in here this morning?

MRS. RICHARDS SUDDENLY NOTICES THAT SHE HAS A LARGE SPIDER ON HER SHOULDER. SHE JUMPS TO HER FEET SCREAMING, RUNS AND THROWS HERSELF THROUGH THE NEAREST WINDOW

EXT.ENTRANCE.DAY

MR. WILLIAMS AND HIS DOCTOR ARE NOW STANDING JUST OUTSIDE THE DOORS OF THE BUILDING

DOCTOR
So, tell me Martin, what's it like to finally be outside again?

JUST BEFORE MR. WILLIAMS CAN REPLY MRS RICHARDS LANDS ON HIM

INT.BUILDING RECEPTION.DAY

A LARGE AMOUNT OF BLOOD SPLATTERS UP THE FRONT WINDOW AND BEGINS TO SLOWLY RUN DOWN IT. HORRIFIED, THE RECEPTIONIST DUCKS DOWN AND VOMITS INTO A BIN BENEATH HER DESK. CAROLE SITS LOOKING PUZZLED FOR A FEW MOMENTS THEN BEGINS TO SLOWLY TURN ROUND.

Sung to F.E.A.R by Ian Brown (YouTube)

(First Verse)
For Each a Rub
For everyone a reachround
Fist everyman and run
For entering a rectum
Forget easy access rentboy
For everything a rimjob
Forgive eager anal ripping

(Second Verse)
For Each a Rub
For everyone a reachround
F**k everybody and rim
For entering a rectum
Forget easy access rentboy
For everything a rimjob

(Chorus)
F.E.A.R.
F.E.A.R.
F.E.A.R.
F.E.A.R.

(Third Verse)
Fisting equals advanced rippage
Falling excrement affects reactions
F**king earholes and rimming
Fist enters anal realm
Fantastic erections
Anal repercussions
Finger entering against retribution
Free entrance and realisation
Filming everything and rubbing

(Chorus)
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear

INT. A HOSPITAL WARD. A MONKEY (MONKEY 1) LAYS BEDRIDDEN IN TRACTION,
ANOTHER MONKEY (MONKEY 2) SITS BESIDE THE BED.

MONKEY 2:
Jesus mate, what happened?

MONKEY 1:
I'd just climbed to the very top of this really tall tree,
when this huge snake tried to attack me.

MONKEY 2:
Yeah? What did you do?

MONKEY 1:
Well, faced with danger, the adrenalin kicked in
and I was faced with two instinctive choices.

MONKEY 2:
Fight or flight?

MONKEY 1:
Yeah.

MONKEY 2:
Maybe try fight next time?

END.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

TWO TERRIFIED TEENAGE GIRLS ARE WHISPERING IN HUSHED TONES

GIRL 1:
My God, what have we done?

GIRL 2:
We didn't know what was going to happen. I thought they were just stories, you know, myths.

GIRL 1:
I'm so sorry. I thought it was just a joke when my hand began to hover over the 'yes'.

GIRL 2:
It's not just your fault; it was my stupid idea to play it in the first place. What are we gonna do?

GIRL 1
We brought this monster into our lives, and we can stop it.

GIRL 2:
How?

GIRL 1:
Let's just give Lily Allen the 59p we owe her.

INT. AUDITORIUM.

THE LARGE AUDIENCE SITS EXPECTANTLY, FACING THE SPOTLIT LECTURN ON THE STAGE.

A MAN STRIDES FROM THE WINGS AND PLACES HIS NOTES ON THE LECTURN BEFORE TOSSING HIS HAIR BACK THEATRICALLY AND THEN LOOKING UP AT THE AUDIENCE.

PROFESSOR JOHNSON
I… er… oooh, shit there are millions of you. Please don't hurt me - bleauuuaargh!

THE PROFESSOR TURNS BRIGHT RED AND VOMITS COPIOUSLY BEFORE RUSHING BACK TO THE WINGS, A WET PATCH CLEARLY VISIBLE ON THE CROTCH OF HIS TROUSERS.

LONG PAUSE

PA SYSTEM
Ehem, Ladies and Gentlemen. Um – full refunds for Professor Johnson's lecture 'Conquering The Fear Of Public Speaking' will be available on the way out.

TWO YOUNG BOYS ARE SAT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE EATING THEIR TEA. MUM IS BUSILY TIDYING UP IN THE BACKGROIUND

CHILD 1
You know they say you are what you eat?

CHILD 2
What do you mean?

CHILD 1
Well, if you eat all your runner beans it means that when you grow up you'll be a runner

CHILD 2
Oh, I get it and if you eat all your French Fries you grow up French!

(BOTH GIGGLE)

MUM
(TURNING TO SEE WHAT ALL THE NOISE IS ABOUT)
Hey, enough yakking and remember there's no ice cream until you've eaten all your puff pastry!

(THE BOYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SUDDEN TERROR AS FORKS FULL OF PIE TOPPING HANG INCHES FROM THEIR QUIVERING LIPS)

TWO VERY YOUNG GIRLS SIT AT A KITCHEN TABLE. MUM HOVERS OVER THEM:

MUM: TO GIRL 1: Whatcha' want fer breakfast, sweetheart?

GIRL 1: F**kin' Wheatabix.

MUM: Goes berserk, beats the living daylights out of the girl and hurls her unconcious form through the kitchen window. Then she turns to GIRL 2: Whatcha' want fer breakfast, honey"

GIRL 2: Shaking with fear the girl gets up from the table and coweringly backs into a corner: I don't want no f**kin' Wheatabix, honest.

PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE. THE PSYCHIATRIST SPEAKS WITH A SIGMUND FREUD-ESQUE AUSTRIOGERMAN ACCENT. THE CAMERA REMAINS TRAINED ON THE PATIENT, KEN REALM.

PSYCHIATRIST:
Ok Ken, we have now managed to conquer your fear of darkness, your fear of brightness, your fear of Nigel's, your fear of one foot growing bigger than the other and your fear of a racehorse persuading you to join the mafia.

Did you say you had a final fear that you wished to discuss?

KEN:
Yes, but I find this one very difficult to talk about.

PSY:
Just relax, clear your mind and tell me whats on your mind....I mean tell you whats on my mind. No, tell you what the matter was when I, when you.................Whats wrong?

KEN:
This fear grips me like no other and it's a fear that I just cannot shake. It's hard for me to even mention it. I-I-I have an immense fear of psychiatrists.

PSY:
Psychiatrists?
Well it should not be too difficult to cure you of this. You have been coming here for the past 6 months.

KEN:
Yes and each week I have been gripped with fear. It's got worse every week. I'm at the point where I feel like running out of here and never coming back or just sh..sh...

PSY:
Shutting yourself off from the world completely...

KEN:
Sssshooting you in the head.

SHOCKED SILENCE.

PSY:
Oh Ken... and how, how long have you had this fear?

KEN:
I first remember experiencing the fear, oh it must be surely 6 months ago and it's not every single psychiatrist. It's am, well its just you. You chill me to the very core.

PSY:
(SOFTLY SPOKEN) Well I'm very sorry to hear that Ken. I have been nothing but nice to you. I've helped you through your fears and anxieties. I only want the best for you Kenneth......Perhaps all you need is a hug.

CUT TO PSYCHIATRIST FOR THE 1ST TIME WITH HIS ARMS OUTSTRETCHED FOR A HUG. ITS ADOLF HITLER IN FULL NAZI UNIFORM.

END.

A MAN(BARRY)IS NERVOUSLY PEEKING THROUGH HIS CURTAINS. THERE IS A KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.

SCOTT(OOV):
Oy Barry! I know you're in there, let me in, I just want to help.

BARRY:
I'm fine just go away!

SCOTT BREAKS THE DOOR DOWN ENTERS & SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA AS BARRY LOOKS AGOG.

SCOTT:
Now what's all this I hear about you being too scared to go out anymore.

BARRY:
You just broke my door!

SCOTT:
Worried about being robbed or beaten up, that's what I heard.

BARRY:
Well It's a dangerous world out there, people break doors & things.

SCOTT:
What you have there Barry is an irrational fear, and I'm here to help you cure it because I'm your friend.

BARRY:
More of a friend of a friend if we're honest, but carry on, we can talk about the door later.

SCOTT:
Do you know anything about Homeopathy or how innoculations work?

BARRY:
Does it have anything to do with Locksmiths? I thought not.

SCOTT:
Basically, to cure you of something, you need to be subjected to a small dose of the very same thing. So if you are scared of being beating up or robbed, then the only cure is to..

BARRY:
No! you are not beating me up & stealing from me, I don't care if you are a friend of a friend.

SCOTT:
No Barry of course not. All I need to do is beat you up very slightly & vaguely rob you. Come on! It can't hurt can it?

BARRY:
Well yes it can, that's exactly what it will probably do!

SCOTT:
It's an Irrational fear so it needs an irrational cure. Look I'll just take a few quid from your wallet.

BARRY:
Hey! leave that alone.

SCOTT;
Fifty should do it, and then I just need to punch you in the face a bit.

BARRY:
Just go away.

SCOTT:
I can't punch you if you keep covering your face like that.

BARRY:
If I let you punch me, will you promise to leave.

SCOTT PUNCHES BARRY!

SCOTT:
Now doesn't that feel better.

BARRY: (Bleeding from the Nose)
(Sarcastically) Oh yes of course! How can I ever repay you!

SCOTT:
Well I'm glad you've asked. I was hoping that you could help me cure my Irrational fear of anal sex
(STARTS TO UNBUCKLE BELT)

BARRY: (SIGHS)
At least pull the door to!

INT: BACKSTAGE
FX:AUDIENCE CLAPPING.

MEL:
So, what did you think?

TED:
At least now you can say you've done the one thing that people fear the most...

MEL:
What, doing stand-up?

TED:
Well any kind of Public Speaking. It's the number one fear actually. You're so brave.

MEL:
But, was I any good?

TED:
Babes, you know that's not important; it's the taking part that counts.

MEL:
The audience were laughing...

TED:
At you, but don't you listen to them.

MEL:
They're still laughing....

TED:
I know, and that's not your fault Sweetie. It's just, well, Woman aren't funny!

MEL:
But you think I'm funny don't you?

TED:
Of course I do, and you ARE funny, for a woman.

<ENTER MANAGER>
MANAGER:
Hey Mel. Great set, Loved it!. Can you do this Friday? We'll work out payment on the night.

MEL:
Yes of course, thank you!

<EXIT MANAGER>

MEL:
Did you hear that? They loved me.

TED:
He's a clever one, him, I'll give him that....

MEL:
What are you on about? You should be pleased for me.

TED:
I am darling but it's all about ticking boxes to these people, it makes me so angry. It's political correctness gone mad.... <Sighs>

MEL:
Because I'm a woman?

TED:
Look Mel, no one wants to hurt your feelings....

MEL:
Really? Because it seems to me that you're just being mean.

TED:
No it's just the truth is...

MEL:
Yes, the truth...

TED:
It's the spotlights, they made you look fat.

MEL: (Crying)
Really?

TED:
There, there love. Let's get you home. Those Chicken Kiev's aren't going to cook themselves are they?

I would like to vote for michael monk