MR METTS KNOCKS ON MRS JONES DOOR (SHE IS OLD)
MRS JONES
Hello who is it?
MR METTS
It's me hamster inspector.
MRS JONES
I don't have a hamster.
MR METTS
Rabbit warden?
MRS JONES
You've got the wrong adress I've got no rabbits neither.
MR METTS
Budgie?
MRS JONES
Ooh yes I've got one of those do come in.
THEY GO INTO MRS JONES CHINTZY LOUNGE SHE HAS A BUDGIE IN A CAGE.
EASTENDERS IS ON THE TELLY.
MRS JONES
Would you like a cup of tea?
MR METTS
No but I'm a violent schizophrenic so could you turn up the volume on the TV all the way to drown out the voices in my head.
MRS JONES
Righto I'm a bit deaf myself, tee hee. Sure you don't want a cup of tea?
MR METTS
Quite sure.
BUDGIE
Who's a pretty boy?
MR METTS
You are you avian slag.
BUDGIE
He is isn't he. He's a pretty boy.
MR METTS
The volume please. I'm getting one of those special headaches.
MRS JONES TURNS THE VOLUME ALL THE WAY UP AND WATCHES EASTENDERS.
MR METTS
And no peaking.
MRS JONES WATCHES THE TELLY.
MRS JONES
Ooh it's one of those silent bits when everyone stares at each other.
THE TELLY GOES SILENT.
THERE IS A SOUND OF HEAVY BREATHING AND LOUD TWEATING.
MRS JONES TURNS TO SEE MR METTS HAS HIS PANTS DOWN AND IS RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO GRAB AT THE BUDGIE.
MRS JONES
What the ruddy hell are you doing?
MR METTS
I'm Mr Metts and I have sex with pets!
MR METTS JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW.
MRS JONES
Drat I thought I was going to be taken advantage of.
BUDGIE
Who's a pretty boy then?
MRS JONES
Slut.
