CV

CV

Name: James Generic-Grad

Address: My Mothers House

Age: Twenty Something

Telephone: 0765545698

Email: might_as_well_sign_on@hotmail.com

Education

Prattle Polytechnic 2005- 2008

BSC (Hons): 2:2 in Mediocrity

St Standard Comprehensive 2002- 2004

A' Levels: Triviology: A, Pointlessness : A, Unappliable Studies: B

AS Level: Irrelevant Theory : B

Personal Profile

I spent three years at university, where I did very little but eat take aways, attempt to gain carnal knowledge of the opposite sex, and go out on the piss. I have extensive telecommunications experience, (making orders, carrying out cash transactions), due to the fact I called Pizza Hut at least four times a week while 'Studying'. I have also successfully negotiated a five thousand pound loan with my mother, which I do not intend to pay back.

Subsequent to attaining a 2:2 in Mediocrity, I now intend to secure a highly paid job in 'The Media', where I aim to sit around all day on oversized beanbags, sipping frappachinos; indulging in a general sense of self conceit. I am lazy, financially sponge like, and am not prepared to adopt a vocation unless it fits in with 'who I really am'. Uni pals refer to me as a 'Legend', subsequent to that memorable occasion I dragged a traffic cone all the way home/ got chucked out of the Student Union Bar/ Threw up on myself without realizing.

Work Experience

Obligatory Summer Internship – August 2008

Secured a six week summer internship within 'Flexi Think', a global PR Consultancy firm, thanks to the fact my Father is White, Middle Classed and friends with a director there.

Was ignored for most of the time, sitting in the furthermost corner of the office, Idly Facebooking, and chatting to friends on MSN Messenger about the time I dragged that traffic cone home.

Once was asked to undertake a photocopying task by a colleague, however f**ked it up and consequently wasn't asked again.

Part time Car Washer For my Dad June 2004 - July 2009

Have worked part time washing my Father's Volvo estate for over five years, In order to placate his anger with my lethargy.

Personally coordinate the car washing process myself; failing to ensure the job is carried out in an efficient and thorough manner. Often leave vehicle coated in irritating smears, and never bother to clean inside despite directed to do so.

Once managed to pass off the car as 'cleaned' without lifting a finger, thanks to convenient downpour of rain.

Other Relevant Experience

Frequently utilize advanced IT skills such as the "Delete History" function, in order to view pornography on my parents laptop completely undetected.

Must mention that I have travelled to Australia and Thailand; despite it bearing little relevance to anything at all.

Have beaten the computer on 'World Class' mode on Pro Evolution (Playstation 3)

Interests

Staying at home for as long as possible / never undertaking a hard days work/ subscribing to deluded aspirations of fame and fortune

Another refreshing comedy nugget Nigel.

I must admit some of it a bit obvious but I found it rather funny, please keep them coming!

Have you considered doing some guerrilla comedy? You may have a knack for it.

hey man, thanks for the feedback. I know what you mean, some if this is pretty predictable...

what do you mean exactly by guerrilla comedy? I imagine it has something to do with preseting comedy in everyday life situations or something or other?

..... sounds interesting nonetheless

Funny, Nigel. I particularly liked your 'McDonald's experience' sketch (not sure what else to call it), a nice insight in to your mind. Also reflects how quite a lot of people feel when doing such things.

Hi Nigel. Like this very much. Have you got any more CVs based on other persons? If so, would like to see them.

Er, no I haven't actually, it's an interesting idea though, maybe u should give it a try. God I sound like that man from art attack

I may well do. I was imagining more of the recognisable stereotypes or maybe figures form history? A lot of source material and inspiration I reckon.

Very, very funny. I agree with the 'couple of obvious' comments but never the less I think it's very good and could have read more.

Quote: scratchyr @ January 6 2010, 6:22 PM GMT

Hi Nigel. Like this very much. Have you got any more CVs based on other persons? If so, would like to see them.

View original

Here's a classic, Scratchyr..

"This satirical piece was the creation of one Greg Bulmash, a writer who posted it on his self-published Internet humour column in April of 1997 after becoming frustrated with the job-seeking process."

http://tinyurl.com/6yaeu6

________________________________________________________________________________

NAME: Greg Bulmash

[SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.]

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY?: Is "felony" sex with a cat? Because if it is . . . no.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

[DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.]

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.]

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

________________________________________________________________________________

I think the only reason I didnt laugh was because the CV could well be mine...as I am a lazy f**k up