Evening all,
So as promised, here are a few sample scenes from my 50 page beeb formatted opening episode of the sitcom on the south coast, 'Barber Fellers'.
I couldn't post the whole lot, too much (5,500 words, 21 scenes) so i guess its a case of 'cutting to' random scenes that i'd like you to have a read of instead. What do people think of that length by the way, its in the recommended guidelines laid down by mr Blake i believe, but theres always room for cutting (pun intended)
SNAPSHOT; Joe Hooper is running a new barbers with a few old colleagues in the shape of Spence and Lucy in Sussex. He has jointly put money in for the place with Richard, who is an old friend and businessman who intends on being a silent partner. Zak is the young american newbie on the staff. Warren used to work with Hooper but is now out of a job.
Anything else you wanna know/discuss, go right ahead! So far, positive feedback amongst various friends, but none of you guys know me so feel free to do a 'paxman' on me eh!!
SCENE 1. EXT. GARDEN PATIO. DAY
RICHARD IS SETTING UP HIS CHILD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY CELEBRATIONS.
RICHARD:
There we go Jack. Cakes. Vienetta. Mummy never put on a birthday like this for you did she? Now lets get some balloons pumped up eh?
HE LOOKS AROUND FOR THE PACK, BUT CAN’T FIND THEM.
RICHARD:
Woops-a-daisy, looks like its Sunday afternoon and no shops are open for daddy to get any more balloons…
JACK ISN’T HAPPY AT THE NEWS. RICHARD STOPS SUDDENLY IN HIS THOUGHTS.
RICHARD:
I think daddy’s new business partner might have an idea where they are though... (UNDER BREATH) I’m gonna do him…
JACK:
Balloons!
JACK’S LIP STARTS TO TREMBLE. RICHARD GRABS HIS WALLET IN A PANIC.
RICHARD:
Come on we’ll find something though won’t we eh? ‘Course we will!
HE SPOTS A SHINY DUREX IN THE WALLET, AND FLICKS BETWEEN HIS WAILING CHILD AND THE IDEA OF USING BIRTH CONTROL FOR DECORATION AT A CHILDREN’S PARTY.
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. INT. BARBERSHOP FLOOR. DAY
JOE HOOPER AND HIS STAFF ARE ON THE SHOP FLOOR PRIOR TO OPENING. IT’S A MODEST RENOVATED BUILDING WITH MOD CONS, BUT NOTHING OTT.
HOOPER:
So this is it, our new home. The ‘Theatre of Trims’. There’s a kind of…triumphant reek about the place. (INHALES). Take it all in.
THE STRONG PAINT SMELL IS VISUALLY AFFECTING THE OTHERS.
LUCY:
(COUGHS) It’s very well…painted.
HOOPER:
Well its like the sixteenth chapel, painted to last. Durability goes a long way. I mean to be fair, they never had to make a seventeenth, did they?
SPENCE:
Sweet sixteen.
HOOPER:
Now you’ve met young Zak haven’t you guys – our new kid on the block. (HOLLYWOOD ‘BAD GUY’ VOICE) Ameri-can!
SPENCE:
All right, mate? Milwaukee wasn’t it? Happy Days, Ralph Mouth n’ all that.
ZAK:
Yeah. My uncle always told us he knew Fonzie.
HOOPER’S EARS PRICK UP. HE SLAMS HIS HAND ON THE CASH REGISTER, ALA THE FONZ.
HOOPER:
Heeeyyyyy! The Fonzie!
THE CASH BOX SLOWLY OPENS UP.
HOOPER:
Still a bit stiff that. I’d like to register a complaint please!
HOOPER EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO CLOSE THE TILL. HE PROCEEDS TO INFLATE A LONG RED BALLOON IN BETWEEN TALKING.
HOOPER:
Zak. Welcome aboard.
HE POINTS THE NOW ELONGATED BALLOON AT ZAK.
HOOPER:
Men come here to unload on you. Am I right Lucy?
LUCY:
We’re lucky like that.
HOOPER:
If they go home satisfied, and that’s all down to how you handle them Zak, then you’ll go home satisfied with them.
ZAK:
(NODS SLOWLY) Sure.
HOOPER:
Enrich them with the milk of your human kindness. You see on top there’s a mess of hair – and beneath it a mess of…life. We’re here to help a little with both where we can.
HE LEANS BACK INTO HIS CUTTING CHAIR AS IF HE HAS JUST HANDED THEM THE SECRET OF IMMORTALITY.
SPENCE:
Unless they don’t want our help and just need a haircut.
HOOPER:
The key is knowing what they want before they do.
HE MIMES TWO PAIRS OF CUTTING SCISSORS.
LUCY:
Honestly Joe, Zaks’ been in this country less than five minutes and you’re already scaring him out of it.
HOOPER IS INFLATING ANOTHER BALLOON.
HOOPER:
He’s only just got his work visa don’t be ridiculous! (TIES END UP) Now, few of these going around for tomorrow of course. So if I take this, and then…
HE STARTS TWISTING THEM BOTH IN A HAPHAZARD FASHION.
HOOPER:
…Before you know it, you’ll get this.
HE PRESENTS THE BALLOON, NOW ROUGHLY SHAPED LIKE A DOG.
LUCY:
A hat?
HOOPER:
A dog. And I’m the father of this dog. It’s a demonstration of the gift we have as barbers, the gift of craftsmanship. That’s an amazing thing, so don’t forget it. Don’t forget the dog.
MORE EXPRESSIONLESS FACES.
ZAK:
(NODDING) So we gotta make these dog things tomorrow or what?
HOOPER:
Metaphor innit. I know they don’t teach you Shakespeare in America but y’know, maybe get a library card if you can? Help you keep up.
HOOPER PUTS THE ‘DOG’ ON A COAT STAND, ADMIRING HIS WORK.
SCENE 6. INT. KITCHEN. DAY
ZAK IS FIDDLING AROUND WITH SOME MUGS. HE CACK-HANDEDLY DROPS SOME OVER THE FLOOR.
SPENCE:
Oops. Should’ve been in a circus with that kind of balance eh! (LOOKS AROUND, THEN BACK AGAIN) Ever…worked in a circus?
ZAK:
I was part of a media circus once.
SPENCE:
What did they want you for? Juggling skills?
ZAK PICKS UP THE MUGS AS SPENCE UNWRAPS A KING-SIZE SNICKERS BAR.
ZAK:
It was last summer; I failed all my finals, lost my driver’s license and came out. (BEAT) Gay.
SPENCE:
Bummer.
ZAK:
Major. So as my dad was running for Mayor, the local press were on his case about the license thing. Then he went mad ‘cos of the gay thing. And then my mom went mad for just about everything.
SPENCE:
Well thanks for the confirmation, saved us weeks of deliberating. Earring gave it away for me, mind.
ZAK:
George Michael had one when he was in Wham! And he wasn’t gay then so...
SPENCE:
(REACTS) Wasn’t he? Shall we say he did a bit of batting and bowling then? (BEAT) So how’d you pick up that ban?
ZAK:
You’ve seen the movie Back to the Future, right?
SPENCE:
Classic.
ZAK:
Well you can’t drink ‘til you’re twenty-one in Milwaukee, so when an officer told me I wasn’t old enough to be drunk and carrying booze around on my eighteenth, I told him ‘no problem’.
SPENCE:
Polite and courteous enough. And then?
ZAK:
And then I ran to my birthday present – it was an old DeLorean I’d wanted since I was nine – and there’s this dry storm pinging overhead. So I hop in, and I…I try to clock eighty-eight miles an hour in it.
SPENCE:
Do I need to ask why?
ZAK:
I was drunk on crème liqueur! I mean, y’know, it was so I’d be flung forward in time to the fut…y’know, where I’d be legal. Like in the movie.
SPENCE:
You do know that’s impossible.
ZAK:
Hindsight.
SPENCE:
Do the words ‘speed, lightning, flux cap-a-ci-tor’ ring any bells? They banned you for your poor knowledge of film, clearly.
ZAK:
They banned me for a bunch of crap – assault of the officer with my tongue ‘cos I thought he looked like Marty McFly. He didn’t even look like him.
SPENCE:
Well I suppose we’ve all been there haven’t we? So what’s the moral of this heart-wrenching story?
ZAK:
No more lies. I think it was fate that put me in a shared cell that night. I mean put it like this; by the next morning, I knew I must be gay and that other guys liked me. Either that, or Tyrone genuinely thought there was an escape hatch down my throat...
SPENCE MUSES ON THIS BRIEFLY, THEN SLOWLY PULLS THE EXTRA LARGE SNICKERS BAR FROM HIS MOUTH.
SCENE 13. EXT. SQUANDERED PROMISE PUB
THE PUB SIGN ROCKS IN THE WIND.
CUT TO:
WARREN, DRESSED IN TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS AND A LEATHER JACKET IS STOOD AT THE BAR. SPENCE AND LUCY ARE SEATED AROUND A TABLE.
IT’S A REAL MUSTY ‘YE OLDE’ TYPE BAR ROOM WITH ONE POOL TABLE, ONE SHREDDED DARTS BOARD AND ONE FRUMPY LANDLADY AT THE HELM.
WARREN:
Cider shandy, ta Maple.
MAPLE:
Scrumpy?
WARREN:
(NODS) That’s my five-a-day done. Oh man alive, total carnage last night. And (TOWARDS TABLE) not for one minute did I think about work either.
LUCY:
You haven’t got any work.
WARREN:
I prefer ‘freelancer of the realm’.
SPENCE:
As Lucy correctly pointed out, you haven’t got any work, have you Warren? So just exactly how do you manage to bypass this fact and go out more than the both of us put together?
WARREN:
No work to worry about next day is there.
SPENCE:
So whenever you do get a round in, it’s actually on us ‘cos it’s our taxes paying for the handouts that put money in your back pocket every Friday.
WARREN MOVES TO THE TABLE.
WARREN:
No need to get all political Spence. Welcome to Question Time with Spencer Brown, chancellor of the etcetera, etcetera. What’s the latest price of fish on the Teletext? Who cares!
LUCY:
Fish mongers?
WARREN:
Exactly, and who wants to be a fish mongerer all your life? Not me. Got to keep the options open. Walking out of work from you lot was the best thing I ever did.
SPENCE:
You didn’t walk out; it wasn’t a mutual trial separation. You were sacked. Fired. Given the proverbial boot.
WARREN:
Didn’t want to stay anyway that’s what I’m saying. The logistics of it matter not when I had the balls to do what I did.
SPENCE:
Contract terminated.
LUCY:
(SMILING) Alright Mr big shot, if you’re so in charge of your own destiny, what’s the next big thing up your sleeve then?
WARREN:
(SIPS DRINK) A magician never reveals his secrets.
LUCY:
Oh god!
SPENCE:
You’d get straighter answers from a politician.
WARREN:
There he goes again. Don’t worry about me, freelancer of the realm, like I said.
SPENCE:
Well you better get yourself a big round table and some coconut shells if you wanna be considered a serious realm lancer. (TO LUCY) Best we head back eh Luce? Lunch is up. Dunno where the time goes. (LOOKS AT WARREN) Really, I don’t.
WARREN:
Alright, well I got a fair few levels of Pac-Man to get through on me phone, so…not bad timing.
SPENCE:
Brilliant Waz, yeah, brilliant. Chomping the bad guys before they chomp you, it’s so much like life why bother getting a real one?
LUCY:
Getting rid of the baddies is never that simple though. Lets skedaddle then.
SPENCE IS LEFT PONDERING HER REMARK AS THEY GET UP TO LEAVE.
CUT TO:
SCENE 14. INT. HOOPER’S CHAIR. DAY
HOOPER IS FINE TUNING A BIG, BALD MAN’S HEAD IN THE CHAIR. HE HAS THE WET SHAVE OUT, TRYING NOT TO MAKE A FALSE MOVE AS SWEAT TRICKLES DOWN THE MAN’S CRANIUM.
HOOPER:
This reminds me of the jungle. Apocalypse Now.
HE POINTS UP TO THE REVOLVING CEILING FAN.
THE MAN LOOKS AT HIM BLANKLY IN THE MIRROR’S REFLECTION.
HOOPER:
You know, the old ‘Nam flick, Brando, Marlon Brando – colonel Kurtz. Looks a bit like… (POINTING AT MAN’S HEAD) Eh, eh?
BALD MAN:
(FROWNING) News to me.
HOOPER:
Well, they filmed him in the shadows, didn’t they? Mysterious. The director told to hide his bulk to maintain the star image. Bloody good job, too. Obesity is fine if you’re born with it, cards you’re dealt with yeah, but it’s when you let yourself go it becomes so sad. Family left crying over old photos. You left flicking through the stair lift catalogue, I mean dear oh… Why do it to yourself?
BALD MAN:
He went insane, I heard.
HOOPER:
Snooker loopy mental in the trees, wunnit? You would with all that humidity and free nose powder, soon forget all about coming here for a trim and getting to the chemist before it shuts.
BALD MAN:
Nothing I need to see the chemist about.
HOOPER:
No, but count yourself lucky, ‘cos out there you wouldn’t find one even if you needed it. And you might need one with a leg that’s gone AWOL on top of a nasty bout of schizophrenia.
BALD MAN:
(IGNORING) I preferred him in The Wild One. Looked the part, really made it his. Top drawer.
HOOPER:
Showing off with all that leather though, wunnit? Egotism is the actor’s illicit child – the one he won’t own up to, like a bad smell. Can you do a good Mafia accent?
BALD MAN:
(WIPING BROW) No, you?
HOOPER:
I’m from Burwash; they don’t have crime there, bar my karaoke once a blue moon! Blue murder!
HE CACKLES ALOUD AT THE THOUGHT.
HOOPER:
No I can’t really do…you could be the Godfather with your ample features, mind.
BALD MAN:
Well I’m off down the nags in a bit, if I need a favour from a local Sicilian jockey I‘ll bear that in mind.
HOOPER:
Yeah, I can see it now, down the old races…
HOOPER CAN’T RESIST IT ANYMORE, AND BREAKS INTO HIS ‘GODFATHER’ TURN.
HOOPER:
Do this for me, Frankie; and we’re family. Don’t do this – an’ I’ll pass on the glue we boil from you and Terminal Bandit’s vertebrae for all your ‘missing persons’ posters...
THE MAN IS LEFT SPEECHLESS.
HOOPER GRABS THE SMALL MIRROR TO SHOW HIM ALL HIS GOOD WORK.
HOOPER:
I could eat an omelette off that now. Bit of splash?
BALD MAN:
(GETTING UP) No thanks.
HOOPER:
Terrible innit, melting horses. And people. Twelve fifty please mate. (LOOKING IN TILL) Not got any silvers have you?
SCENE 20. INT. RICHARD’S HOUSE. NIGHT
RICHARD IS STREWN ACROSS A SOFA FAST ASLEEP. A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IS OPENED ON THE COFFEE TABLE.
HOOPER IS HALF AWAKE ON THE OTHER COUCH. HE GETS UP AND CROUCHES DOWN TO FIDDLE BEHIND THE TV.
WHEN HE PULLS HIS HAND BACK, THERE IS A STRAY DUREX FROM THE CHILDREN’S PARTY THAT HAS GOT ITSELF STUCK ON HIS MIDDLE FINGER, AFIXED WITH CAKE MIXTURE.
HE FLINGS THE CONDOM TOWARDS A NEARBY BIN. LOOKING AT THE CAKE MIXTURE ON HIS FINGER, HE PAUSES - THEN MOVES IN TO LICK IT OFF.
RICHARD’S SON, JACK, IS STARING AT HIM IN THE DOORWAY.
HOOPER:
I was just, er… I assume that was never actually... You didn’t have any girls at your party did you?
JACK NODS ‘NO’.
HOOPER:
Good, neither do I. Neither do I. Well done. (PAUSE) Cake is better than girls anyway.
HE SNIFFS AT THE CAKE MIXTURE, APPEARING UNEASY AT THE FACT JACK WON’T LEAVE HIM BE.
HOOPER:
So. Jack…Jack-in-the-box…Day of The Jackal…the er, Jackson Five… With a name like that, Jack, you must be a whiskey man?
HOOPER MOVES TO THE BOTTLE, SLIGHTLY UNSTEADY, WITH JACK STILL GLUED TO THE SPOT.
RICHARD BEGINS TO SNORE AWAY.
