British Comedy Guide

Taxi driver

A Sketch from a project I was involved in earlier in the year, what do people think?

TAXI DRIVER IS TALKING TO HIS CONTROLLER SALMAN

SALMAN

Ah hello Simon my friend good night last?

TAXI

It's StJohn and it was a good night, 5 people actually paid me, only 2 people threw up and only one person pulled a knife

SALMAN

Ah that is good news Simon, now your rent is due today I think.

TAXI

About that £40 a week seems a little steep I mean it's not like you give me any of the nice jobs; the council contracts for taking the old ladies to Bingo, the school run for the fat wheezy kids who get beaten up on the bus, or even the airport runs.

SALMAN

Ah those not so nice. Mohammed was stabbed with a knitting needle last week by little old lady who thought Arab's make her unlucky and fat wheezy kids bugger up Iqubal's suspension. And as for airport run Abdul was caught waiting outside too long by the police and I think he is in Cuba now.

TAXI

Yes but I've been working for a year longer than most of those chaps and none of them have been taken hostage by 5 drunken squaddies, made to take part in a mock execution and then forced to snog all of them. Is this because I'm white?

SALMAN

You wound me Simon I am no racialist. I remember day we met you were offering to do me an advert on local cable TV. And I think 2 things number one I hope man with funny accent stop crying soon and two what a lovely big SUV he got. It really big one take whole hen party to Cocks Out night club. So I offer you a job.

TAXI

Yes I was a little upset after I lost my job in advertising, the world just wasn't ready for Happy Slaps the alcopops not for kids honest.. And my new jobs been a learning experience for the whole family. The kids asking,

"Why does the car smell funny?"

"Why do you cry when you come home so late at night?"

And I was wandering when to tell them about sex, well when Stacy found that used condom settled that.

SALMAN

Yes it is a good job and you good driver. You don't get lost, don't nick off of student and I don't think you even kissy kissy the drunk office girls like my naughty brother. So I have present to make you part of the family.

FX RATTLING AS SOMETHING IS PULLED FROM A BAG.

TAXI

It's a beaded seat cover

{BURTS INTO TEARS}

Oh thank you, I've never felt so welcome.

SALMAN

Good, good keep up good job and maybe we get you a little green pine tree that smell nice.

I preferred the second half of it tbh for gags and the ending was pretty good. Reading from the start it felt a little disjointed and I'm not sure you captured the controller's character as well as you could.

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