OCTOBER 1805 - HMS VICTORY HAS ARRIVED IN PORTSMOUTH FOLLOWING THE ROUT OF THE ALLIED FRENCH/SPANISH NAVY AT THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR.
EXT. - THE DOCKSIDE AT PORTSMOUTH HARBOUR. DAY
AN INTERVIEW AREA HAS BEEN SET UP, SIMILAR TO THE ONES WE SEE FOLLOWING A PRESENT-DAY FOOTBALL MATCH. ADVERTISING LOGOS COVER THE MAKESHIFT BACKDROP "DRAKES SHIP'S BISCUIT - LESS WEEVILS", AND "SIMPSONS BEEF - SIMPLY SALTIER".
AN INTERVIEWER WITH A MICROPHONE AND HEADSET IS INTERVIEWING ABLE SEAMAN BATES AND GUNNER'S MATE JOHNSON. BATES HAS A PATCH OVER HIS LEFT EYE, HIS RIGHT ARM IS MISSING. IN CONTRAST, JOHNSON APPEARS TO BE RELATIVELY INTACT. BOTH MENS CLOTHES ARE TORN TO SHREDS AND COVERED IN BLOOD. THEY SMILE SHEEPISHLY, ENJOYING THE LIMELIGHT.
CROWD: (O.O.S)
Twenty-two nil, twenty-two nil. In-ger-lund, In-ger-lund, In-ger-lund.
INTERVIEWER:
(holds earpiece as if talking back to studio)
Yes, and thank you Des, we are indeed here live at Portsmouth harbour, and you can hear behind me there's quite an enthusiastic crowd welcoming our heroes home from the "Battle of Trafalgar". I have two of them here with me, to my left is Able Seaman Joe Bates and to my right Gunner's Mate Billy Johnson.
Now Seaman Bates....
BATES:
Call me Joe.
INTERVIEWER:
Right, Joe - twenty two enemy ships destroyed and every Royal Navy ship accounted for. You have to be happy with the result?
BATES:
Yes Brian, we are happy. We worked hard in training and the lads just went out there, stuck with the plan and luckily things worked out for us.
INTERVIEWER:
Billy - anything to add?
JOHNSON:
Well, like Joe said, you know, the lads are just happy for the gaffer - he told us what to do, and we were able to do that at the end of the day.
INTERVIEWER:
Gaffer?
JOHNSON:
His Lordship - Admiral Nelson sir.
INTERVIEWER:
Ah yes, we understand that he sent a very motivating message to the fleet before the action?
THE SAILORS LOOK PUZZLED
INTERVIEWER (cont'd)
The message? The flags that were hoisted?
STILL PUZZLED LOOKS
We are told it read "England Expects Every Man Will Do His Duty"
BATES:
Oh, we can't read the flags sir.
JOHNSON:
Nah, we can't read anything.
BATES:
The Petty Officers did say something about a message from the Admiral, and they sort of put it in their own words for us
JOHNSON:
Yeah, like "You lubberly scum better kill those frogs and dagos 'til there's either none left, or your rotting carcass has been thrown over the side to be devoured by the sharks"
BATES:
(fondly)
And "If you don't keep firing to your last breath I'll lash you to the carronade and flay the last piece of miserable flesh from your worthless bones". Happy days, happy days. They're a great bunch of lads really.
INTERVIEWER:
Well Des, I hope you can stay with us for a few more minutes because we are now joined by the Surgeon of HMS Victory, Mr. William Beatty.
BEATTY WALKS INTO THE SHOT AND THE TWO SAILOR STIFFEN TO ATTENTION. JOHNSON BRINGS HIS ARM UP INTO A SALUTE, BUT BEING ARTIFICIAL, THE ARM FLIES ACROSS THE ROOM.
BEATTY:
Hello Johnson, and how is the arm doing?
JOHNSON:
(touching his cap in deference)
A bit loose sir, but otherwise it's shipshape. Thank ee sir, thank ee.
INTERVIEWER:
So Bill, can you tell us....
BEATTY:
(he's a LOT posher)
Mr. Beatty
INTERVIEWER:
..Err, Mr. Beatty, as Surgeon of the Flag Ship, it must have been quite a week for you.
BEATTY IGNORES THE QUESTION, INSPECTING THE INTERVIEWER'S FOREARM INSTEAD
BEATTY:
What's that swelling on your arm sir?
INTERVIEWER:
Oh, that's just a bruise.. Can't remember how it got there to be honest.
BEATTY REACHES INTO HIS COAT AND EXTRACTS A MENACING LOOKING BONE SAW
BEATTY:
Don't take any chances man. That should come off. Hold still now...
INTERVIEWER:
What? No, No it's fine. Don't you think that's a little overkill?
JOHNSON:
Aye, that's what I thought too sir. But I 'ave to say I'm quite happy with me new arm sir.
A HEAD-PHONED PRODUCER WITH A CLIPBOARD BRIEFLY ENTERS THE SHOT AND GIVES THE WOODEN ARM BACK TO JOHNSON.
Thank 'ee, much obliged.
INTERVIEWER:
But that's quite different Johnson, you were wounded in battle.
JOHNSON:
Oh no sir, this was weeks before the battle sir.
INTERVIEWER:
Accident then. Mast fall on your arm? Crushed to a pulp by a rogue gun rolling around the deck?
JOHNSON:
Bee sting sir. In this very harbour it was. Went to Mr Beatty and he had the arm off by tea time sir. He's the best in the Navy.
INTERVIEWER:
And Joe, your missing eye - wood splinter during battle?
BATES:
No sir... a nasty Stye it was... went to see Mr Beatty and before I could say "Jack Robinson", he whipped it out with his tea-spoon. To prevent infection like. You wanna look?
INTERVIEWER HOLDS HIS EARPIECE AGAIN
INTERVIEWER:
Right then, I'm told we have less than a minute left. So Mr Beatty, you attended the Gaffer - or rather His Lordship in his dying hours?
BEATTY:
That's correct, yes. We did what we could for him, but his fate was sealed. I will never forget his last words - "Kismet Hardy"
INTERVIEWER:
Referring of course to Captain Hardy, his friend and commander of the Victory.
BATES:
Beggin' your pardon sir, but wasn't it "A kiss, me hearty"? - he was very close to one of the young gentleman...
INTERVIEWER:
Well, that's all we have time for. Let's wrap it up with a resounding "HUZZAH" to the brave tars and officers of the Royal Navy, and it's back to you Des in the studio.
A GROUP OF BURLY SAILORS WALK UP TO THE INTERVIEWER - THEY GRAB HIM ROUGHLY
INTERVIEWER:
What's going on? Get your hands off me you dogs. Who are you?
BURLY SAILOR:
You're a media man - you will appreciate the irony then - We are what you might call "members of the press".
INTERVIEWER IS DRAGGED OFF BY THE LAUGHING PRESS GANG
INTERVIEWER: (O.O.S)
But I can't swim! Help! I don't even like the water. I have an HND in Media Studies... I can't even tie a knot... look, even my shoes have buckles...
