So yeah, I've written some of this and just want to know if the banter as it is is okay or contrived, cheers.
JAMES, who has exceedingly dull features, is walking in front with JACK, who is reading the map. SIMON follows them eagerly, in front of our quiet hero, TOM.
JAMES
So I've either got to sleep with a man who looks exactly like a woman or a woman who looks exactly like a man? Okay, you're weird Jack.
JACK
What about you Tom?
TOM
Well the woman, obviously.
JACK
The woman who looks exactly like a man? You're clearly homosexual.
SIMON
I've got one. It's difficult. You've either got to rape a nine year old girl, who'll be scarred for life, or a four, five month old baby, who won't even remember it. What do you do?
JAMES
Simon, that's f**king disgusting. What the hell's the matter with you?
SIMON
It's a dilemma - that's what the whole thing's about. It's exactly the same as the questions Jack was asking!
JACK
(AMUSED)
The fact that you fail to see the difference between what you were saying and what I was saying astounds me. I don't want to be associated with you. Really.
SIMON
Well I know there's a difference, I was just raising the bar a little, that's all, taking us into edgier territory. I mean, I was hoping you'd be amused by the audaciousness of the whole thing, the fact that I had the nerve to say such shocking things. Evidently you were too caught up in your tabloid style indignation to notice the clear undercurrent of irony.
JAMES
What? There's nothing ironic about child abuse. What the hell are you talking about?
JACK
To be fair to him James, anything can be funny in context. Who doesn't love a dead baby joke, when told at the right situation?
SIMON
Grandmother's funeral, eh Jack?
JACK
Abortion clinic.
SIMON
Ha ha ha ha ha! That's brilliant Jack; that really is superb. Actually I've got a good dead baby joke right now. Why do you but a baby in a blender foot first? (MISTIMED PAUSE) So you can come on its face!
JAMES
(FURIOUS)
Why would you say that? Are you actually f**king retarded?
JACK
Um, and also, everyone knows that one.
SIMON
Oh come on, you could at least laugh. You can chuckle can't you, Tom? Or am I not worth humouring? When Simon says "start laughing", you've got to start laughing! You've played that game before right? 'Simon says'?
TOM
How much further is it Jack?
JACK
15 miles.
TOM
F**k.
They head towards the woods.