British Comedy Guide

Biscuits

Hello. I can't decide whether to do the end as blunt statement, as it is here, or more of an implication kind of thing, if you know what I mean. Any thoughts on that and in general would be most nice. and all that. Cheers :)

INT. A KITCHEN. SFX: A PARTY. TWO BISCUITS, A DIGESTIVE AND A COOKIE ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF A LINE OF CUPS OF TEA ON A KITCHEN WORK TOP.

DIGESTIVE
Not again.

COOKIE
You're so boring Digestive. Don't be such a wholemeal.

DIGESTIVE
Alright, but if I start smearing my soggy crumbs over the Jaffa Cakes stop me this time won't you?

THEY DUNK THEIR HEADS INTO THE CUPS AS IF DOING SHOTS. COOKIE SLUMPS ON THE WORKTOP.

DIGESTIVE (CONT'D)
( COUGHING ) How much sugar's in those?

COOKIE
I feel like a cake.

DIGESTIVE
Your chocolate chips are dripping.

A JAMMY DODGER STEPS WALKS PAST WITH AN ENTOURAGE OF GIGGLING AND FLIRTATIOUS PINK WAFERS.

JAMMY DODGER
Why don't we go somewhere quiet and make dessert?

DIGESTIVE
He certainly is jammy.

END.

I like this alot and I think it works as is.

Maybe something about "rich" tea getting all the girls? or his dad was forced to work in a cheese cake and crumbled?

Or maybe one of them hob nobs?

Nice ideas. I would agree the end could be better.

The pink waffers bit is inspired.

Like Sooty's rich tea thoughs

Cheers for the words, they made me think of this.

AN ICE CREAM WALKS PAST WITH AN ENTOURAGE OF GIGGLING AND FLIRTATIOUS PINK WAFERS.

ICE CREAM
Why don't we go somewhere quiet and make dessert?

DIGESTIVE
They always go for the cool ones.

END.

Quote: scratchyr @ December 17 2009, 9:01 PM GMT

Cheers for the words, they made me think of this.

AN ICE CREAM WALKS PAST WITH AN ENTOURAGE OF GIGGLING AND FLIRTATIOUS PINK WAFERS.

ICE CREAM
Why don't we go somewhere quiet and make dessert?

DIGESTIVE
They always go for the cool ones.

END.

Rather weaker.

Yeah you're right. Maybe?

DIGESTIVE
I'm going to grab a flake?

I think that the punchline could work with both of them just saying "Jammy Dodger"

Don't have a flap...jack.

He's got a chocolate chip on his shoulder.

haha I love your work man, it makes me smile. hmm how about ending on: an entourage of hobnobs guarding a biscuit, push the digestive and his friend out of the way.

Digestive: That'll be the rich tea.

actually I prefer the pink wafers

Very good idea and its humourous throughout, but the punchline doesn't feel very satisfying I'm afraid.

Share this page