EXT. DAY.
PRESENTER(FULTON)VERY MUCH OTT.
FULTON:
Helloooo. Today on 'Save the Earth for God Sake Before The Whole Thing Goes To Shite Completely', we're going to look at recycling and the hundreds of different ways you can recycle and save energy and resources and therefore help to save the earth.....for God Sake....before the whole thing goes to shite completely.
To begin with we have rounded off the hundreds of different forms of recycling to an even 9. The 9 types are as follows: composting, primary, secondary, tertiary.....am....and the other 5.
Now throughout the course of this show we are going to show you the full extent of recycling and energy saving that is at everyones disposal.
This is recycling in full force! Go the Earth!!
Our first guest is a man that I am delighted to introduce. I am a long time admirer of this activist and it's an absolute honour to have none other that Ned Manual with us today. Yet again Ned showed his true love of the Earth by walking the gruelling 70miles to be with us here today. Hello Ned.
NED: Hi.
FULTON:
Thanks for that Ned.
Our next guest Ray Swift is now going to field some of my questions, which will make for some very interesting reading...audibly.
NED LOOKS UTTERLY CONFUSED AND LOST IN THE BACKGROUND.
FULTON:
So lets now cut to the studio for this discussion.
THE CAMERA DOES A 360 AND RETURNS TO THE SAME POSITION.
Yesthat's right folks, we're still in the field. Rule 42: 'Never use a studio'. Think of all the energy you can save with natural light.
Hi Ray. I myself recycle the usual items like bottles, plastic, mirrors and mustard but is there anything else we could be recycling?
RAY REPLIES BUT CANNOT BE HEARD.
FULTON:
Oh I forgot folks. Another energy saving scheme is to just use 1 microphone.
FULTON UNCLIPS HIS MIC AND SPENDS 30 SECONDS CLIPPING IT TO RAY.
RAY:
Mirrors and mustard? You can't recycle those! Mirrors have chemicals that cannot be mixed with bottles and jars, and mustard! Mustard!? Mustard is edible. I don't want to know how you would even go about recycling mustard. Based on that I think you are a very bad choice to front this show when you don't seem to know the first thing about recycling.
FULTON LOOKS VERY ANIMATED POINTING FINGERS AND LOOKS TO BE SHOUTING WHILE THE MIC IS BEING CONNECTED UP TO HIM AGAIN.
WITH MIC CONNECTED HE NOW HAS A PLEASANT TONE.
FULTON:
Thanks for that Ray. How about no footballs? Can no footballs be recycled?
MIC CLIPPED TO RAY.
RAY:
Would you just get a second mic. This is ridiculous.
THEY CLIP A SECOND MIC TO FULTON.
RAY:
Anyway what do you mean 'no footballs'?
FULTON:
What I mean is can you recycle where a football had been?
RAY:
Are you asking me in a very obscure and gramatically incorrect way 'are ther any footballs that can be recycled'?
FULTON:
No I specifically mean 'no footballs'. Like if a ball was there on the ground and I kicked it. Could you recycle where the ball had been?
RAY:
Either I'm just not getting what you're saying to me or this is by far, the worst question of all time.
FULTON:
You'd better start understanding quick. Now that we're using 2 mic's we're going to have to cut back somewhere else. I think a good place to start is to reduce the energy spent on forming words,that's why we're going to start: Talking in Abbreviations!!!
Ry wht is ur fvrite frm of rcycln?
RAY LOOKS TO THE CAMERA IN AN 'IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING' KIND OF WAY.
RAY:
What?
FULTON:
I dnt lik to repeat as it uses up too mch enrgy so if u didnt hear me the 1st tme uve missd ur chance. Oh an plse abbrev your ansrs. Nxt questn. Wht drove u to wnt to appear on this shw today?
RAY:
I hnstly dnt fukn kno anymre. Ur a cmplete fukn tsspot and jst about have enough brain pwr to exist let alone prsnt a show nd evntho you insistd tht I spek n ths ridiculs way I wudnt be a bit surprsd if you now cnt evn undrstnd wht I just sed.
FULTON:
Pardon?
RAY:
Exactly!... Looks lik the whole thng hs gone to shite cmpletly aftrall.
FULTON:
Oh you lik the nme of the show. Awthat's great. We dnt wnt to waste anymore energy so its tim to say gdnight.
RAY:
Fuk you you maladjustd, odourous, idiotic wste of time.
FULTON:
...And its goodnight frm me aswll. Byeeeee!!
END.
