Skit Comp 12-20.12.9

Good stuff and congrats to... Mr Sunshine for winnin' - again! That's 10 points, another excuse to get wasted and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Mr Sunshine
2 - 5 - Timbo
1 - 1 - Cool Mikado, Blobster, Ming The Mirthless, Otterfox
Special Mention: Gerry, Marc

Your new subject: RECYCLING (suggested by Kasm)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 20.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

111 - Chris Forshaw
109 - Cool Mikado
103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
91 - Otterfox
85 - Nigel Kelly
82 - Charley Rance
82 - Fred Sunshine
76 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
65 - Michael Monkhouse
40 - Kasm
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
21 - Mikey J
21 - Blobster
26 - David Chapman
20 - Scratchyr
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Gerry
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

INT. KITCHEN AREA IN AN OFFICE.

IN THE KITCHEN THERE ARE ABOUT TEN RUBBISH BINS WITH DIFFERENT COLOURED LIDS (UNDER POSTERS WITH AMBIGUOUS ICONS) WHERE PEOPLE SHOULD PUT THEIR VARIOUS TYPES OF RUBBISH.

A GUY IN A SUIT, WEARING A PROMINENT VISITOR'S BADGE, COMES IN CARRYING AN EMPTY PAPER PLATE AND A POLYSTYRENE CUP.

HE LOOKS VAGUELY FROM ONE BIN TO ANOTHER BEFORE DECIDING WHERE HE THINKS HIS PAPER PLATE SHOULD GO AND THROWS IT IN.

ALMOST INSTANTLY, A WOMAN ENTERS AND TOSSES HER PAPER PLATE INTO A DIFFERENT BIN. THEY EXCHANGE SMILES, BUT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO LEAVE, SHE SEES HIS PLATE IN THE WRONG BIN. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD WEARILY AND MAKES A FACE 'SOME PEOPLE!' THE GUY RAISES HIS EYES TO HEAVEN, AS IF AGREEING WITH HER ABOUT WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULD DO SUCH A THING. HE TURNS TO SCAN A POSTER, NONCHALANTLY, AND PRETENDS TO DRINK FROM HIS EMPTY CUP.

WHEN THE WOMAN LEAVES, OUR GUY SPITS THE TEA BAG HE'D INADVERTENTLY TIPPED INTO HIS MOUTH, BACK INTO HIS EMPTY CUP. HE THEN GOES TO RETRIEVE HIS PLATE, FISHING IT OUT GUILTILY. DEBRIS FROM THE BIN CLINGS TO HIS SLEEVE, BUT HE PERSEVERES AND DUMPS THE PLATE WHERE THE WOMAN PUT HERS.

AN OLDER GUY ENTERS THE KITCHEN AND ISN'T QUITE QUICK ENOUGH TO STOP HIM. THIS NEW GUY TAPS A POSTER ABOVE ANOTHER BIN AND INDICATES THAT THIS BIN IS THE 'PAPER PLATES' BIN.

OUR GUY FROWNS AT THE POSTER AND THEN SIGHS. HE THEN HAS TO TAKE HIS PLATE OUT OF THE WRONG BIN, HE AND THE WOMAN HAD THROWN THEIRS INTO, BEFORE PUTTING IT INTO THE CORRECT BIN. THE NEW GUY WAITS, EXPECTANTLY. OUR GUY LOOKS BACK AT THE WOMAN'S PLATE STILL IN THE 'WRONG' BIN AND THEN UP AT THE MAN WHO RAISES HIS EYEBROWS EXPECTANTLY – 'I'M WAITING.'

ANYTHING FOR A QUIET LIFE, OUR GUY REACHES IN AND TAKES THE WOMAN'S PLATE OUT AND THROWS IT IN THE 'PAPER PLATE' BIN.

THE OLDER GUY LOOKS ASKANCE AT HIM BEFORE TOSSING HIS PLASTIC CUP INTO THE BIN FOR PLASTIC CUPS. THE OLDER GUY THEN LEAVES.

OUR GUY WATCHES HIM GO, THEN TOSSES HIS OWN CUP INTO THE BIN. ANOTHER WOMAN COMING IN TO USE THE KITCHEN STOPS AND STARES AT HIM IN AMAZEMENT. THE WOMAN LOOKS INSIDE THE 'PLASTIC CUP' BIN AND SHAKES HER HEAD ANGRILY.

OUR MAN SHRUGS.

THE WOMAN POINTS TO A PLASTIC CUP AND A POLYSTYRENE CUP ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, LOOKING FROM ONE TO ANOTHER.

OUR GUY SEES THE SUBTLE DIFFERENCE AND HIS SHOULDERS SAG AS HE PEERS BACK INTO THE BIN, WEIGHING UP HIS OPTIONS.

THE WOMAN PUTS HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AGGRESSIVELY AND TAPS HER FOOT.

OUR GUY REACHES INTO THE BIN AND CAREFULLY TAKES OUT HIS POLYSTYRENE CUP.

THE WOMAN WALKS TO THE 'POLYSTYRENE CUP' BIN AND TAPS IT THEATRICALLY, AS IF THE MAN IS AN IMBECILE.

HE TRUDGES OVER AND DROPS HIS CUP IN SULLENLY.

THE WOMAN LOOKS DOWN AT THE CUP AND THEN BACK AT OUR GUY AGAIN.

HE LOOKS BLANKLY BACK AT HER.

SHE POINTS INTO THE BIN AND OUR MAN GLANCES DOWN DISMISSIVELY, BUT THEN DOES A DOUBLE-TAKE AS HE REALISES WHAT HE'S MEANT TO DO. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

THE WOMAN NODS HERS HEAD AND POINTS TO ANOTHER SIGN: THE 'WASTE FOOD' BIN.

OUR GUY PURSES HIS LIPS ANGRILY AND REACHES INTO THE BIN. HE EXTRACTS THE TEABAG CAREFULLY BETWEEN HIS FINGERS AND ATTEMPTS TO MOVE IT WITHOUT TEA DRIPPING ALL OVER HIS TROUSERS. HE OBVIOUSLY FAILS, ADDING TO HIS ANNOYANCE.

THE WOMAN STALKS OFF AFTER GRABBING A KITCHEN FORK.

OUR GUY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS SPOTTED CLOTHES AND THE DEBRIS ON HIS HANDS. HE GRABS SOME KITCHEN TOWEL AGGRESSIVELY AND WIPES HIS HANDS AND TROUSERS. HE THEN SCREWS THE PAPER TISSUE UP AND IS ABOUT TO DISCARD IT WHEN HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS AND THRUSTS THE PAPER TOWEL INTO HIS TROUSER POCKET INSTEAD.

HE STOMPS OFF – DEFEATED.

A BEAT.

A CLEANER ENTERS THE KITCHEN WITH A LARGE WHEELIE-BIN AND PROCEEDS TO CARELESSLY TIP ALL THE OTHER BINS INTO THIS ONE BIN WITHOUT KEEPING THEIR CONTENTS SEPARATE.

EXT. RE-CYCLING CENTRE. DAY

A COUNCIL WORKER IS SWEEPING UP IN FRONT OF THE BOTTLE BANKS. PETER DUNCAN WALKS INTO SHOT WEARING A POORLY MADE REPLICA OF THE YOUNG TREEMAN COSTUME HE WORE IN FLASH GORDON AND CLUTCHING AN EMPTY WINE BOTTLE IN HIS HAND

PETER DUNCAN
I am now of age Green Father, I ask for the test of manhood!

COUNCIL WORKER
What?

PETER GIVES THE COUNCIL WORKER A FOLDED UP TWENTY POUND NOTE

PETER DUNCAN
I said, I am now of age Green Father I ask for the test of manhood!

COUNCIL WORKER (pocketing the money)
Oh, then choose your passage into this world or the next, may Arbor guide you

PETER APPROACHES THE 'CLEAR GLASS ONLY' BOTTLE BANK WITH AN INTENSE LOOK ON HIS FACE. HE CIRCLES IT THEN SLOWLY PLUNGES THE HAND HOLDING THE BOTTLE INTO THE HOLE IN THE FRONT OF IT. PETER PAUSES THEN SUDDENLY LETS OUT AN AGONISING CRY AND DRAWS HIS ARM OUT THEN SINKS TO HIS KNEES CLUTCHING HIS WRIST

PETER DUNCAN (really hamming it up)
Send me on my way and spare me the madness!

COUNCIL WORKER
I will

THE COUNCIL WORKER TURNS HIS BROOM OVER AND PRETENDS TO RUN THE HANDLE THROUGH PETER LIKE A SWORD. PETER LOOKS ORGASMIC FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN GETS TO HIS FEET DUSTING OFF HIS KNEES

PETER DUNCAN
Lovely! See you next week Mickey

PETER WALKS AWAY LOOKING DELIGHTED

COUNCIL WORKER (shaking his head sadly)
Aye, see you next week Mr. Duncan

AN INTER-GALACTIC SUPREME LEADER OF HIGHER BEINGS IS HOLDING COUNCIL.

SUPREME LEADER:
Underling. Give me an update from the recycling quadrant.

UNDERLING:
We've had trouble getting the citizens to separate their used humans.

SUPREME LEADER:
But all the bags are clearly marked for use. Asians in blue bags, Americans in the red, Africans in orange, and Europeans in the green ones.

UNDERLING:
Yes but you know what they're like, they just throw them all in black bags with the Australasians.

SUPREME LEADER:
What do you suggest we do?

UNDERLING:
Landfill sire, apparently there's a rocky sphere in one of the spiral arms that will do nicely.

END.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Mrs. Harrison writes the word "Recycling" on the blackboard and turns to face
the class.

Mrs. Harrison:
Today we're going to talk about recycling. Can anyone tell me the meaning of that word?

[silence]

Mrs. Harrison: [cont'd]
It means to use more than one time. I'm sure your families recycles at home, like bottles.

Paula:
My mom recycles bottles everywhere she thinks me and dad won't find them.

Mrs. Harrison:
Ok, that's not recycling, that's just sad. Other examples?

[beat]

Mrs. Harrison:
I see your hand Ronny. But your dad is in sanitation, so it wouldn't be fair to the other kids. Equal opportunities for everyone, no matter what their dad's do.

Peter:
SHIT!

Mrs. Harrison:
Peter!

Peter:
Shit can be recycled.

Mrs. Harrison:
That's almost true; it's called manure though.

Peter:
SHIT!

Two men are sitting atop of a pile of empty cans. One is English the other Scottish.

God (v/o): Well that's it, no more room. If I told you once I told you a thousand times. You have to recycle. Now the human race has drowned under a million cans and there's only you two left.

Englishman: Please God forgive us. We didn't mean any harm and wiping out a whole race because we didn't recycle...well isn't that a bit of an over reaction.

Scotsman: Aye thas right. We're the only two left. Pr'haps you could use another rib ta send doon a bit o' company like.

God: Hmmmm, you may have a point. Ok but no more cans. Not even one more. Do you understand? Or your gonna's.

Both: Yes God.

(Two stunning women appear in front of them)

Englishman: Fantastic

Scotsman: Lordy lordy.

(There's an awkward silence as the four look at each other)

Sfx: A can opening

Scotsman (offering the opened can to girls): Da ya fancy a beer?

INT. CHANNEL 4 BOARDROOM - DAY

TWO MEN ARE SEATED AT A TABLE

MAN 1
Right. Big Brother's deader than Michael Jackson and we have a hole in the schedule so large it's bordering on Ulrika Jonsson territory. We need new programmes and we need them quick. Have we got anything in the pipeline?

MAN 2
We've got nothing original, but that's not a problem, we can recycle.

MAN 1
Recycle? What do you mean?

MAN 2
We can repackage some of our old programmes as new projects.

MAN 1
Example?

MAN 2
We know Celebrity Wife Swap was a ratings winner; let's take it to the next level. I'm talking Celebrity Wife-Beater Swap.

MAN 1
I love it. Paul McCartney's just done the X-Factor, we could get him involved. Throw in Chris Brown or Stan Collymore and it's a winner. What else have we got?

MAN 2
Countdown remains popular with kids and the nearly dead, let's repackage it for normal adults. If a contestant solves a puzzle within 30 seconds, they get to kick Noel Edmonds in the nuts. We call it C**tdown.

MAN 1
That's definitely in. Anything else?

MAN 2
An updated Deal or No Deal. Under one of the boxes is an ounce of cannabis. Daniel Radcliffe presents.

MAN 1
I'll file that under 'maybe'. Any more?

MAN 2
The New 'Fifteen to One', it's a documentary about Tiger Woods.

MAN 1
Topical. Nice. Anything else?

MAN 2
The big one. We bring back Ricky Gervais.

MAN 1
What can he do?

MAN 2
He's got a great character where he plays this arrogant buffoon.

MAN 1
What else has he got?

MAN 2
Diabetes.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A woman is sat reading a magazine. A man comes running into the room looking desperate for the toilet.

MAN
Have we got any loo rolls love?

WOMAN
Yeah there's a new pack on the side.

Man disappears into another room and then comes back holding a packet of toilet rolls, still looking desperate.

MAN
Recycled?

WOMAN
They're better for the environment.

MAN
You mean, someone else has wiped their arse on this?

WOMAN
Errm, I suppose so yeah.

Man throws the toilet rolls away and hurries across the room.

WOMAN
Hey! I thought you were going to the toilet?

MAN
I'll use a towel.

TEACHER: Okay, kids, let's have some ideas for the School Recycling Campaign.
JOHNNY: Burn the f**king bike shed.

INT. MEN'S TOILET - YANKEE STADIUM, THE BRONX, NEW YORK CITY - EVENING

IT'S NOISY - A CROWD OF DRUNKEN FANS WAIT THEIR TURN AS KYLE AND CHUCK ARE PISSING IN THE TROUGH, THEIR PLASTIC CUPS OF BUDWEISER ON THE WINDOWSILL

KYLE:
Beer and baseball. Doesn't get any better than this Chuckie!

CHUCK:
F**kin' A man. Hey, where's Randy?

KYLE:
He's gettin the beers in.

CHUCK AND KYLE HIGH FIVE, AND PISS ALL OVER EACH OTHER

CAMERA PANS DOWN FROM THE URINAL DRAIN AND FOLLOWS THE DRAIN PIPE THROUGH THE WALLS AND INTO THE BAR, WHERE IT ENTERS A LARGE KEG OF BUDWEISER FROM WHICH THE BARMAN IS POURING THREE DRINKS FOR A GUY WEARING A TEE SHIRT WITH "I'M RANDY - HOW ABOUT YOU?" WRITTEN ON IT

BARMAN:
That's $35 buddy.

RANDY:
Worth every cent. Thanks dude.

V.O.
"Budweiser - Good to the Last Drop"

INT: A WOMAN IS PEERING THROUGH HER WINDOW WITH BINOCULARS. HER HUSBAND ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND TAKES HIS COAT OFF.

HUSBAND: Number 43 have left an extra recycling bag out, and you were right about number 51 it looks as though they've had a wind turbine installed.

WIFE: I knew it ! We'll have to get one of those fitted as well. That should put us back in the lead.

HUSBAND: It's not a competition dear. To be honest I'm not really comfortable with all this sneaking around. If I'd wanted to Spy on our neighbours I'd have taken that job with the council.

WIFE: I'm only asking you to secretly watch them and gather information, I'd hardly call that spying.

HUSBAND: As long as we try to do our bit, we don't really need to know what everyone else is up to.

WIFE: If we don't know what everyone else is doing, then how can we possibly know what we should be doing.

HUSBAND: Can we at least put the heating on, I'm freezing

WIFE: If you want to destroy the planet then go ahead.

HUSBAND: Oh don't be like that! you need to relax a bit.

WIFE: Listen Michael! I'm not one of these people who have jumped on the bandwagon, I've been green since before most other people had even heard of the environment.

HUSBAND: Yes of course, and that's one of the reasons that I love & tolerate you.

WIFE: You knew I was passionate about these things when you met me and were happy to take on the whole package.

HUSBAND: And it's the only package that I'd never recycle darling. I've always been very supportive of your views & incessant preaching.

WIFE: If saving mankind isn't your concern then you may as well just go out now & set fire to a seal.

HUSBAND: I just wish you'd spare a thought for Planet 'me & you' from time to time.

WIFE: I'm not sure I understand?

HUSBAND: Do you remember how things used to be in our World? It used to be a breath of fresh air, and these days it just seems to be polluted with anger & righteousness.

WIFE: Well "Planet me & you" has changed quite a bit since then. In fact it's currently going through an Ice age if you must know

HUSBAND: Well let's try to melt that Ice, bring back the warmth, I mean in a good way and not a global warming way.
I'm not saying that you should give up your principles. Just try to concentrate on our environment, right here, right now.That's worth saving, don't you think ?

WIFE: Well I suppose so... But it's not just me. We need to both make an effort you know.

HUSBAND: Anything you say Darling.

WIFE: You need to help more around the House.

HUSBAND: Of course dear. It's all about compromise.

WIFE: You can't be out everynight with the lads, the fishing trips will have to stop.

HUSBAND: Well we can talk about that later

WIFE: And you need to give up drinking.

HUSBAND: Pass the binoculars ... I think No 37 are putting bottles in the paper recycling!

My vote goes to Roscoff, for a perfect sketch, but I'd like to put a mention in for Henrik, who's got a great punchline, if he loses the last two lines and just goes with "shit!"

Quote: Marc_P_74 @ December 18 2009, 9:51 AM GMT

My vote goes to Roscoff, for a perfect sketch, but I'd like to put a mention in for Henrik, who's got a great punchline, if he loses the last two lines and just goes with "shit!"

View original

Consider it done scary pumpkin man

The comp still hasn't closed though.
Vote after the deadline, there may be some more sketches to come.

FX: Door bell

Dave: Oh, Hello

Man: Hello sir, we're from the Old Jokes Home, we've come to take your dog away.

Dave: Why?

Man. It's got no nose.

Dave: Oh yes he does, look...

Man: That's a fake nose sir, it's red and lights up when he wags his tail.

Dave: No you can't take him away, I won't let you. I've heard about you people. You took that chicken from across the road, and Eric the horse from the pub. Why?

Man: Well he did have a long face! Don't worry sir, all Old Jokes are recycled.

Female voice: What's going on Dave?

Man: Who's that sir?

Dave: It's my, emm, mother.

Man: Your mother, or your wife's mother?

Dave: Emm...

Man: Put her in the van Sean.