My long running love affair with British Comedy began with The Dave Allen Show and peaked with BOTTOM. This is the first thing I ever wrote and would appriciate some feedback from people familiar with Richie and Eddie's bizarre world.
BOTTOM
A Tribute to the Hammersmith Hardmen
SCENE 1. INT. THE FLAT - NIGHT
RICHIE STARES OUT THE KITCHEN WINDOW, DAYDREAMING.
WE SEE HIS DREAM.
THE MAROON CURTAIN SLIDES ASIDE AND THE ORCHESTRA STARTS PLAYING.
RICHIE APPEARS ON THE STAGE WEARING NOTHING BUT HIS TRADEMARK UNDERPANTS, LEOPARD SPOTTED FOR THE OCCASION.
HE BEGINS TO "SEXY-DANCE" TOWARDS A STRIPPER'S POLE STANDING CENTRE OF THE STAGE.
THE ALL-FEMALE AUDIENCE GOES WILD AND KNICKERS BEGINS TO RAIN DOWN ON HIM.
A HUGE PAIR OF MUNDANE KNICKERS, SPORTING A ROYAL CROWN LOGO, IS THROWN TO COVER RICHIE'S HEAD.
HE REMOVES THE KNICKERS AND HANDS THEM BACK TO A JEWELLERY COVERED HAND, STRECHED OUT FROM THE AUDIENCE.
RICHIE TAKES A STEP BACK AND COURTESY IN THE DIRECTION OF THE HAND, SHOWING A LITTLE EXTRA SKIN.
HE'S CALLED BACK TO REALITY BY A DART HITTING HIM VIOLENTLY IN THE NECK.
HE WIGGLES OUT THE DART, SLIGHTLY ANNOYED AND TURNS TO FACE EDDIE, WHO'S RAVING AROUND IN THE SITTING ROOM, PISS DRUNK.
RICHIE: (SIGHS)
The theatre. My life long dream and passion.
(BEAT)
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
You know. It's only because I didn't meet the right people, at the right time, my career never took off. Apparently stunning good looks and rhythm like a native just aren't enough these days ... and being single parent, to a retarded toddler never helped anyone's career either. Edward Hitler! Why are you playing darts in here? Why don't you play in the room where the board hangs?
RICHIE GRABS EDDIE BY THE SHOULDERS AND TURNS HIM 180 DEGREES TO FACE THE DARTBOARD HANGING IN THE SITTING ROOM.
EDDIE:
Get your filthy hands off of me you brute dictator!
RICHIE:
Now you listen to me young man! I would be extremely careful to go around calling other people dictators if my last name was Hitler.
EDDIE:
Oh Yeah! And I would be extremely careful to go around grabbing other people if I had filthy fingers like you. I would especially not be grabbing people like me.
EDDIE LAUNCHES A BLOW AT RICHIE BUT MISSES AND TUMBLES TO THE GROUND.
RICHIE: (NERVOUSLY LAUGHING)
Oh Eddie, why do you say a silly thing like that?
EDDIE:
Why would I say a thing like that? Let's see, maybe it's the fact you spend the whole day locked up in your room.
RICHIE:
How could you possibly know? I thought you were at the track all day.
EDDIE:
And I was at the tracks all day. I have witnesses to that, so awful many witnesses. But it's all elemental my Dear Watson. You see, on my way home from the tracks I noticed Victoria's Secret catalogues sticking out from all our neighbours' mailboxes. So imagine my surprise coming home, not finding one in ours. Once inside, I proceed to discover the backside of the Telly freezing cold. And that's how I know, roughly.
RICHIE:
But that doesn't prove anything. In the name of everything sacred, when will this persecution of my people end?!
EDDIE FINALLY MANAGES TO GET UP FROM THE FLOOR, NOW HOLDING A PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS HAND.
EDDIE:
You're right, that doesn't prove anything, other than you've been in your room all day and the mysterious disappearing of a saucy catalogue. But adding this receipt from "House of Vanilla" – that must have fallen out of someone's pocket - to the evidence, I say this case have your fingerprints all over it, both figural and literally speaking ... What do you know? It's from today.
RICHIE:
Damn! I've got to hand it to you Eddie. For a staggering drunk you sure have a keen eye for details.
EDDIE:
From the top: One erotic latex massage-glove, size extra small. One magnum pack of Scented candles from the hardworking people at "Famous Fumes" – Guaranteed to enchant your home with the musky scent of Joan Collins.
RICHIE TAKES A STEP TOWARDS EDDIE.
RICHIE:
Ok Eddie, hand it over or you'll get to see my dark side.
EDDIE:
You mean this is your good side?
RICHIE ASSUMES A THREATENING KARATE POSITION.
RICHIE:
I bet now you wish you'd started reading the receipt bottom up. That way you'd know I didn't spend all my time locked in ... Well I did other things too.
EDDIE LOOKS AT THE RECEIPT AGAIN.
EDDIE:
Basic Thai-Chi – A beginner's handbook?
RICHIE:
That's right mate. Thai-Chi, the most vicious and violent of the martial arts. The ancient wisdom contained within those pages teaches you how to rip out a mans heart using nothing but a stern look.
EDDIE:
No it doesn't. It teaches you how to postpone arthritis a few years.
RICHIE:
Prepare to suffer my wrath infidel!
RICHIE BEGINS A SLOW-MOTION NINJA ATTACK ON EDDIE - WHO IN RETURN, TAKES THE TIME TO READ SOME MORE ON THE RECEIPT.
WHEN HE'S IN RANGE, EDDIE SHOOTS A FIST TO RICHIE'S FACE, SENDING HIM FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM.
RICHIE HITS THE WALL AND SLIDES DOWN TO SIT LEANED AGAINST IT.
ABOVE HIM A CUCKOO-CLOCK HAS BEEN KNOCKED LOOSE AND FALLS ON HIS HEAD.
EDDIE:
Richie-Richie-Richie, when will you learn never to fight anyone of your own sex?
RICHIE, GROGGY BUT NOT DONE, GETS UP AND ATTACKS EDDIE USING THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
BY REPEATEDLY SETTING THE DIALS, HE TRIGGERS OUT THE BIRD, AIMING AT EDDIE'S FACE.
ON THE THIRD TRY, THE CUCKOO PIERCE THROUGH EDDIE'S SPECTACLES AND GETS BURIED IN HIS ONE EYE.
SCENE 2. INT. THE FLAT - NIGHT
EDDIE LAY IN A FULLY EQUIPPED HOSPITAL BED, PLACED IN THE SITTING ROOM CORNER.
HIS ENTIRE BODY IS COVERED WITH CAST, EXCEPT FACE AND TOES. LIMBS ARE ALL SUSPENDED IN WIRES AS HE'S A TAD RED AROUND THE ONE EYE.
RICHIE IS PUTTING FINAL TOUCH ON TAGGING HIS NAME ALL OVER THE CAST.
EDDIE:
That was quite a program you had planned out for me today. First you poke my eye out with wooden evil on a spring. Then, even I can walk fine, you insist on pushing me around the hospital in a wheelchair and for dessert, you shove me down an empty elevator shaft for. Why Richie? Why did you push me down the shaft?
RICHIE:
I was curious to see how deep it went but was fresh out of coins.
(BEAT)
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
(LAUGHS)
Just kidding mate. I may have million, upon million of valid reason's to do something like that - Lord knows what I've endured. But I swear it was an accident, a freak-accident.
EDDIE:
A freak-accident?!
RICHIE:
Now-now, hear me out before getting upset. I distinctly remember us standing there. I remember hearing the elevator doors go "PLING" and then I remember this incredible hot midget girl passing by behind me and ... Damn it Eddie, I'm only human.
EDDIE:
Oh Goodie, as long as it isn't personal.
RICHIE:
Not at all personal my mummified friend. In fact, I didn't even notice you were missing until the nurses rushed you by covered with blood and engine oil. Anyway, because you weren't around to screw things up for me, I finally scored, you see, I GOT HER NUMBER! Yeah! My first number ever. Want to hear it? 5473886472736200035. Well that's an awful long number for such a tiny girl? -Oh crap!
EDDIE:
Sad to hear I was pulverized for nothing.
RICHIE:
The glass is always half-empty with you isn't it? I've just had my heart broken, yet I stand proud. You get a few scratches and the whole world has to hear about it. But you know what? I think this accident and the overcrowded hospital is a blessing in disguise. A welcome chance for us to do some old fashioned male bondage...male bonding, without you running off to the pub, whenever it get's emotional or painful.
EDDIE:
So you think I need more pain do you?
RICHIE:
Oh Eddie it's going to be so romantic. You the wounded hero and me, slowly but sexy, nursing you back to life, just like that movie.
EDDIE:
Misery?
RICHIE:
Was thinking of The English Patient, but Misery huh? - That gives me an idea.
RICHIE EXITS THE ROOM WITH EDDIE NERVOUSLY WONDERING WHY.
LOUD NOISES IS HEARD FROM THE HALLWAY, LIKE HEAVY EQUIPMENT IS BEING MOVED.
EDDIE:
I know I passed on the last vacant spot at the hospital. But on second thought, I really think the heat from the crematoria-ovens could help speed up my recovery...Richie!
RICHIE RETURNS CARRYING AN OPEN CARDBOARD BOX.
A DUST CLOUD RISES FROM THE BOX AS HE SETS IT DOWN ON THE TABLE.
HE BLOWS AWAY THE DUST AND BEGINS TO LOAD PHOTO ALBUMS FROM THE BOX AND ONTO THE TABLE.
RICHIE:
Stop being such a baby. This is what I was looking for, pictures of vacations past. So strap in and let's take a stroll down memory lane. Ok better make it a marathon, since I have enough albums here to last you syphilis if necessary.
EDDIE:
Firstly, I don't think I need any more strapping in, secondly, HEEEELP!!
SCENE 3. INT. THE FLAT - DAY
EDDIE IS ASLEEP WITH DROOL RUNNING FROM HIS OPEN MOUTH.
RICHIE IS HOLDING A PHOTO ALBUM FOR THEM BOTH TO SEE.
RICHIE:
The tall lady with the beard is my late Auntie Angus ... and before you start asking stupid questions; yes, she did come from Scotland. Actually, she's the one who taught me that; an apple a day, keeps the doctor away. I never lived by that though, I mean, what if you need a doctor one day?
THE DOORBELL RINGS AND WAKES UP EDDIE.
RICHIE PUTS THE ALBUM DOWN AND LEAVES TO ANSWER THE DOOR, ANGRY WITH THE INTERRUPTION.
HE EMIDIEATLY RETURNS AND GOES TO A SIDEBOARD, WHERE HE OPENS A DRAWER.
HE PRODUCES A TASER-GUN FROM THE DRAVER.
HE TURNS THE TASER ON AND JABS THE AIR A FEW TIMES. THE TASER HISSES AND RICHIE LOOKS SATISFIED.
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
In case it's Jehovah's witnesses.
RICHIE LEAVES THE ROOM WITH THE TASER.
SCENE 4. INT. THE FLAT - DAY
RICHIE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO FIND SPUDGUN AND HEDGEHOG WAITING OUTSIDE.
RICHIE:
Well, well, well! Look what the tick on the cat dragged in. What do you two want?
SPUDGUN:
Eddie asked us to come over.
RICHIE:
No he didn't.
SPUDGUN:
Sure he did. We got this letter saying he was "Being undressed"..."In distress" or something. He's really letting his handwriting go.
HEDGEHOG:
We're hoping for "in distress".
RICHIE:
Since you're obviously here conducting business, on behalf of The Handsome-Young-Geniuses Club, maybe you could be so kind to explain this little conundrum to me please? How did Eddie get the letter delivered to you? I mean; for a man hanging from more strings than Pinocchio, that's a pretty impressive thing to do, huh?
SPUDGUN: (TO HEDGEHOG - IN LOW VOICE)
I told you she did that, tie people up.
HEDGEHOG:
Pigeons.
RICHIE:
Pigeons?
HEDGEHOG:
Homing-pigeons. He train em'.
RICHIE:
Enough of this madness! Listen, Eddie's Pigeon training days are on a severe halt, but something tells me you won't go away until you see for yourself. Besides, last thing this neighbourhood needs is you two standing around devaluing house prices.
HEDGEHOG AND SPUDGUN VIPES THEIR FEET ON THE DOORMAT LIKE POSSESED BEFORE ENTERING.
THE PAIR LOOKS NERVOUS AND UNSETTLED, FOLLOWING RICHIE UP THE STAIRS.
SCENE 5. INT. THE FLAT - DAY
RICHIE RETURNS TO THE SITTING ROOM WITH SPUDGUN AND HEDGEHOG IN HIS WAKE.
RICHIE IS ABOUT TO GLOAT ON HIM BEING RIGHT WHEN HE FREEZES IN MOTION.
EDDIE IS PUFFING LIKE A BIRTHDAY BOY TO RID THE AIR OF FLOATING FEATHERS.
A WINDOW BEHIND THE BED IS OPEN, AS WE HEAR THE SOUND OF WINGS FLAPPING OUTSIDE.
RICHIE:
Poor Eddie! Look at him, he's scared breathless.
RICHIE RUSHES TO CLOSE THE WINDOW.
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
There-there. That pesky angel of death won't be back.
HEDGEHOG:
Hi Eddie. Looking good in white.
SPUDGUN:
How are you doing mate? We brought a little something to cheer you up.
SPUDGUN UNWRAPS THE PACKET HE BROUGHT.
THE GIFT IS A PLASMA BAG CONTAINING A GOLDEN LIQUID. THE BAG SPORTS A COGNAC LABEL ON THE FRONT.
SPUDGUN REPLACES THE OLD BAG, HANGING FROM THE BED, WITH THE ONE HE BROUGHT AND A SMILE SOON APPEARS ON EDDIE'S FACE.
EDDIE:
My bestestes friends in ze world. Rich-maister writes me limericks and now this wonderful transfusion.
RICHIE:
"There once was a man from Nantucket – His name's not important so f**k it"
EDDIE:
This is where he introduces me.
RICHIE:
"He got an erection, which caused a distraction – so he fell down the shaft like a Muppet."
EDDIE:
Right there I feel the story veers a bit from reality...Listen Rich, why don't you go upstairs and write on a new second verse? - Or better yet, go for a long walk to gather inspiration. All the great ones went walking to boost their creativity. Blake, Hemmingway, Hefner.
RICHIE:
Bloody hell! Hefner? Well if it's good enough for maestro, it's good enough for me. Oh-oh I'm so excited! It's been ages since I last used my walking-gear. I wonder if it still fits.
(BEAT)
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
Alas I can't just go walking off. What about Eddie? Who's going to take care of him while I'm gone, you? (LAUGHS)
SPUDGUN:
Yeah, we can do it.
RICHIE:
It was a joke Spudgun. That's why I laughed.
HEDGEHOG:
I once found and rescued a squirrel with a broken wing, will that help?
RICHIE:
A broken wing you say? Was it some sort of magical squirrel perhaps?
HEDGEHOG:
No just a regular blue striped squirrel. I took it home and cared for it until it was healthy enough to set free, it never did fly again though.
RICHIE:
Ok that settles it. Spudgun, you're in charge. First I'm going to remove the chain of responsibility for Eddie's safety and give it to you...SPUDGUN!
RICHIE REMOVES AN IMAGINARY CHAIN FROM HIS NECK WITH A SOLEMN ATTITUDE.
SPUDGUN RECEIVES THE CHAIN HESITANTLY AND HANGS IT AROUND HIS NECK, UNDER RICHIE'S STRICT WATCH.
FINALLY SATISFIED RICHIE LIGHTENS UP IN AN ACCOMMODATING SMILE AND EXITS THE ROOM.
HEDGEHOG:
I thought she'd never leave.
SPUDGUN:
Yeah. How do you stand it Eddie? Living with, that.
EDDIE:
You know how I drink a lot, right?
SPUDGUN:
Right.
EDDIE:
There you go.
SCENE 6. INT. THE LAMB AND FLAG - NIGHT
INSIDE THE LAMB & FLAG, EDDIE IS CENTRE OF ATTENTION.
HE'S COMFORTABLE RESTING ATOP A PADDED SHOPPING TROLLEY.
A BEAUTIFUL GIRL HOLDS HIS LAGER THAT HAS A STRAW IN IT and ALL THE GUESTS LAUGH AT HIS STORIES.
EDDIE:
I'm not lying; there we were at the Frivolente - nudist-beach-resort, a place swarming with naked, drunken, widows. When we got back home my doctor signed up for a liver and penis transplant. As for Richie, he spend the whole week chatting up this woman, old enough to be mother of the woman, who took care of his Granny in the autumn of her life.
HEDGEHOG:
Didn't she wear an eye-patch?
EDDIE:
Both spectacles and eye patch. That's also why nothing ever happened between them. She still had one fairly good eye.
(LAUGHS)
EDDIE FOLLOW HEDGEHOG'S TERRIFIED STARE TO THE ENTRANCE DOOR AND FREEZES MID-GRIN.
RICHIE - IN HIS WALKING GEAR - LOOKS FURIOUS.
(GEAR: TRADITIONAL AMISH DRESS. A KANE WITH SILVER HANDLE, MESH DRIVING GLOVES AND BAGGY RIDING PANTS, ALL BLACK.)
RICHIE:
You ... You!
SPUDGUN:
Who's he yelling at?
EDDIE:
Hard to say, he waves that finger about like a Reich Kanzler. Could be anyone this side of the bar.
RICHIE APPROACHES THE BAR.
RICHIE: (FURIOUS)
Now isn't this just marvellous. Entrusted with the care of - perhaps the sickest man in England since John Merrick – you decide to slap him on a trolley and go drink like Irishmen. I'm surprised you stopped there, why didn't you push him down "The Velvet Den" to mud wrestle enormous woman in bikinis huh?
HEDGEHOG PRODUCES A TROPHY FROM THE TROLLEY.
HEDGEHOG:
Ta-Dah!
RICHIE:
Come on. You seriously expect me to believe this poor and defenceless invalid could have won a wrestling match? Who did he wrestle? Golda Mayer? ... Ah, Golda Mayer.(TOUCHES HIMSELF)
RICHIE MOVES AROUND WHILE TALKING AND ENDS UP BY EDDIE'S FEET.
EDDIE ENTANGLES RICHIE'S FINGERS WITH HIS TOES AND FORCES RICHIE TO HIS KNEES.
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
Look at him, frail as the newborn AUGHHHH!! Bloody hell!
Ok so he's not entirely defenceless. But I did give you the chain Spudgun and you failed miserably. That means; according ancient law, I'm obliged to give you a right beating - or killing, depending on my mood.
SPUDGUN:
But we didn't bend a bone on Eddie and..
RICHIE:
I'm going to bend and bone you so good you won't even!!..
EDDIE:
What charming way to come out.
RICHIE:
But Eddie, you know me. I would never come out. Now where were we? Oh yes, killing Spudgun.
SPUDGUN:
I think those birds over there fancy you.
RICHIE:
Nice try mate.
HEDGEHOG:
Yeah, they keep looking over here, smiling.
RICHIE:
Show me who and DON'T POINT SPUDGUN! Discretion is everything to us gentlemen. Tell me where they sit by using the clock.
SPUDGUN:
It's almost nine.
RICHIE:
No you fool. If we say all the birds in here are numbers on a clock. What time are they at then?
SPUDGUN:
Well I've been told I'm in no position to judge but twisting my arm I'd have to say one was damn close to midnight, while the other couldn't have been more than half past five.
RICHIE:
I know you your mother dropped you on the floor when you were a baby, but exactly from how high did you fall? Never mind, I'll just feel my way ahead.
RICHIE WALKS UP TO A TABLE CRAMMED WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
HE JUGGLES THE KANE UNTIL IT SPINS OUT OF CONTROL AND THE SILVER HANDLE HITS HIM IN THE BALL-SACK.
THE WOMEN ALL SEES AND LAUGHS AT HIM.
HE GETS BACK UP AND PROCEEDS TOWARDS THE WOMAN'S TABLE LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
RICHIE:
Good evening ladies. I couldn't help but notice what smashing blouses you all have on.
THE WOMEN GIGGLES AND WHISPERS.
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
What do you think of my outfit? I know it's a little tight around the crouch, and getting tighter as we speak, but pretty snappy huh?
WOMAN:
Are you in fashion?
RICHIE:
I wouldn't say I'm a slave to fashion but I follow the trends... Oh you mean, do I work in fashion?... Yes, yes I do.
WOMAN:
Let me guess. You're a model right?
(THE WOMEN ALL LAUGHS)
RICHIE:
Nooo, I'm the guy who decides which bird looks good enough to become a model. Since I don't have to be in Milan until tomorrow, I would be happy to give all of you a free evaluation right now. Anyone need help getting the blouse off?
THE WOMEN STARTS CURSING HIM SO HE HURRIES ON TO THE NEXT TABLE OCCUPIED BY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.
RICHIE:
Anyone wants to guess what I use this outfit for?
WOMAN 1:
Witch hunting?
WOMAN 2:
Urinal cleaning?
WOMAN 3:
Sodomising?
WOMAN 4:
Goat herding?
RICHIE:
Bollocks! I can't get a break in here.
RICHIE RETURNS TO THE BAR.
RICHIE:
Say Eddie, you need your crap-can emptied out? Yeah that's right, he just goes in there.
RICHIE MAKES FAKE GAGGING NOISES WHEN A BIG BRUTE STEPS OUT OF THE CROWD.
BRUTE:
Hey asshole! Why do you harass the poor bloke? Don't you think he's been through enough?
RICHIE:
Oh but its ok, we know each other. Tell him Eddie.
EDDIE:
Its true Mr. He's the one who did this to me.
BRUTE:
Seems to me you need new friends then. Want me to get rid of this one for you?
EDDIE:
Could you?
THE BRUTE GRABS RICHIE BY THE EYELID AND DRAGS HIM OUTSIDE.
EDDIE: (CONT'D)
Hey Rich, don't forget to show him your Thai-Chi moves!
SCENE 7. INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT - DAY
WE SEE RICHIE'S BATTERED AND SWEATY FACE CLOSE-UP.
HE'S ASLEEP BUT THE SOUND OF ROARING FLAMES WAKES HIM UP.
HE TRIES TO LOOK AROUND BUT ARE UNABLE TO TURN HIS HEAD.
RICHIE:
Where am I? And why is it so hot in here?
(BEAT)
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
Maybe the lads drugged me and shipped me off to the Algarve because I'm so great. That wouldn't account for the stench of burning flesh and the immense pain though.
RICHIE HAS A MOMENT OF REVELATION.
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
Blimey! It finally happened; just like that priest said it would. A bit harsh isn't it? I mean, I've never killed anyone - technically. Damn! I wish I had killed more people going down here anyway. Oh well, bound to be some lawyers around who can help me fill out a complaint form.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL RICHIE LYING IN A HOSPITAL BED NEXT TO THE CREMATORIE OVEN.
HE'S ENTIRE BODY IS COVERED WITH CAST, EXCEPT FROM FACE AND TOES.
EDDIE: (O.O.V)
(WITH THUNDEROUS VOICE)
Silence sinner! Do you know why you are here?!
RICHIE: (SQUIRMING)
A horrific mistake Your Foulness, maybe someone screwed up in logistics?
(BEAT)
RICHIE: (CONT'D)
Oh I know what it is. There must have been a mix up between me and my shady roommate Eddie. He's a complete bastard and much more the type that could use a severe poking.
EDDIE: (O.O.V)
(WITH THUNDEROUS VOICE)
No mistake!! You have just what we're looking for in a client. Except for that virgin thing, what's up with that?
RICHIE:
C'est la morte, can't blame me for trying. So what happens next? We better get to work if I'm going to be here for an eternity.
EDDIE: (O.O.V)
(WITH THUNDEROUS VOICE)
You could bite down on your tongue real hard for a few decades.
CAMERA ZOOMS OUT FURTHER TO REVEAL EDDIE LYING IN A HOSPITAL BED, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CREMATORIE OVEN.
TWO UNDERTAKERS, IN BLACK SUITS, ENTER THE CREMATORIA PUSHING A COFFIN ON A TROLLEY.
RICHIE:
Fresh meat for the Lord of Darkness aye?
UNDERTAKER 1:
How about some respect for the dead mate?
RICHIE:
La-di-dah! It's not like they are worse off then the rest of us down here. And why are you devils dressed up like that? It looks ridicules, not scary at all.
UNDERTAKER 2:
Hi Eddie. Who's the arsehole?
EDDIE:
Cheers Paul. Not sure, he was rolled down here from mental ward, apparently by the other patients.
RICHIE:
Eddie! You're down here too? Good to know at least half the souls gets to the right address.
THE UNDERTAKERS BEGINS TO LOAD THE COFFIN FROM THE TROLLEY AND ONTO A CONCRETE PLATFORM PLACED IN THE CORNER OF THE CREMATORIUM.
EDDIE:
Richie we're not in hell. That's to say; you are not in hell. This is pretty much the dark abyss to me ... Here ... With you ...Unable to move.
RICHIE:
I knew it! Surely I'm destined to walk right alongside our lord himself, should I really die some day. Oh how I love being right.
UNDRTAKER 2: (ADRESSING EDDIE)
Ok we're done here. Want us to gag the madman before we go?
EDDIE:
No thanks mate, I have some friends picking me up any minute now.
THE UNDERTAKERS EXITS THE CREMATORIA.
RICHIE:
How nice of the guy's, taking us back to their place. Hope they'll be here soon. Judging by the smell I fear my crap-can reached its capacity, and then some.
SWAMPY RUMBLING IS HEARD FROM INSIDE RICHIE'S CAST.
EDDIE:
Correction; taking me home.
RICHIE:
What do you mean, am I not coming?
EDDIE:
Well you know how they live in a glorified henhouse.
(BEAT)
EDDIE: (CONT'D)
Also I think they're a little scared of you.
RICHIE:
Nonsense. Hedgey and Spuddy worth ships the ground I walk, just wait and see.
EDDIE:
I just don't want you to get disappointed... What am I saying? Yes I do.
AGAIN SWAMPY NOISES FROM RICHIE'S CAST.
THIS TIME LOUDER, MORE THREATENING.
RICHIE:
Oh no Eddie. I think I'm going to pop. Nurse! ... Spudgun! ... Paul!
EDDIE: (TERRIFIED)
Bloody hell!
RICHIE'S CAST BEGINS TO EXPAND UNTIL IT BURST IN A STORM OF EXCREMENTS.
RICHIE AND EDDIE:
SHIT!!!
SCREEN FADES TO WHITE, CREDITS ROLL.
END OF EPISODE