Sketch Comp 2-9.12.09

Good stuff as usual and congrats to... Scratchyr and Kasm for winnin' - again! That's 10 points each, another excuse to get wasted and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

2 - 10 - Scratchyr, Kasm
1 - 5 - Otterfox, Cool Mikado, Gerry, Timbo, Moi

Your new subject: BBC.
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 9.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

111 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Cool Mikado
103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
90 - Otterfox
85 - Nigel Kelly
82 - Charley Rance
72 - Fred Sunshine
71 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
65 - Michael Monkhouse
40 - Kasm
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
20 - Scratchyr
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Gerry
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

INT.BBC WRITERSROOM OFFICE.DAY

MARK THOMPSON IS SHREDDING HANDFULLS OF UNREAD SCRIPTS INTO A LARGE SACK MARKED 'BUNNY BEDDING COMPANY'

MARK THOMPSON (laughing)
Idiots!

The BBC have apologized for relying heavily on repeats. You can hear their apology at 8 o'clock, 9.30 and again all through the week.

This is about "BBC", not THE B.B.C., or is it? I think I think not.
'BBC,' sounds like the 'Beebysea' where I once spent a holiday.
Could it be this? I doubt it.
BBC: Does it refer to the Bloke Before Christ? Big Bra Cups?
Bellyfulls of Beer and Crisps? I wish I knew, but I don't, so
I'm not entering this competion.
(Could it be Birch Berates Competition???)

INT. BBC WRITERSROOM. CIRCA 1970.

TRISTRAM AND TARQUIN EACH HAVE A PILE OF SCRIPTS ON THEIR DESK.

TRISTRAM
So what's on your heap?

TARQUIN
Some shit about a prisoner under escort. Didn't bother past the first ten pages. How about you?

TRISTRAM
There's this thing about three old boys who've taken retirement.

TARQUIN
Hardly the demographic we're aiming at. Beside there's no legs to it. Anything else?

TRISTRAM
There's one about a couple of mates who live someplace in Scotland called Newcastle.

TARQUIN
Never heard of it. In any case, been done: 'Hugh and I'.

TRISTRAM
The script's pretty much just banter anyway. Then there's this one about a rag and bone man living with his Dad.

TARQUIN
Funny?

TRISTRAM
Well, yes. But it's very lineal. No B-plot.

TARQUIN
Christ, these people don't have a clue about comedy.

TRISTRAM
Did you take a look at that one about the Home Guard?

TARQUIN
Oh that was hilarious - in the entire platoon, not one black or Asian!

TRISTRAM
Writer's a bloody Nazi!

TARQUIN
Talking about bigots, what did you make of that one about the West Ham fan and his Liverpudlian son-in-law?

TRISTRAM
Edgy.

TARQUIN
Yeah. Can you imagine getting anything like that broadcast?

TRISTRAM
So that just leaves the one with the nutter running the hotel.

TARQUIN
I like it. Original premise.

TRISTRAM
The guy who wrote it wants to play the lead.

TARQUIN
What's he done?

TRISTRAM
Some cult sketch show.

TARQUIN
Pah! But I tell you who would be good - it would be a brilliant vehicle for Arthur Askey.

TRISTRAM
With Peggy Mount as the wife! How about the Spanish waiter?

TARQUIN
That's a problem. But, if we lose the physical comedy and change the dynamic so he's a bit of a babe magnet, then...

TOGETHER
Julio Iglesias!

THEY HIGH FIVE.

TRISTRAM
I'll send the writer some notes... He'll be so chuffed.

END.

INT. OFFICE. TWO MEN ARE CHATTING.

SFX. KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

MAN 1:
(TO MAN 2) That'll be him now. Excuse me.

THE MAN GETS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR. STANDING THERE IS A MAN IN SUMMER CLOTHES AND AN APRON HOLDING A TRAY OF UNCOOKED SAUSAGES, BURGERS, KEBABS ETC AND SOME BREAD ROLLS.

MAN 1:
The memo said meeting at the BBC.

MAN 3:
Oh. oh.

END.

A RADIO SKETCH

QUENTIN FOKWIT
As the new commissioner of BBC Comedy, I want to hear your ideas for attracting writing talent.

F/X - A SMALL SNIFF

CHARLIE SMITH
We have to follow HBO's lead. We need to attract writers with more attitude.

QUENTIN FOKWIT
I like it. More edgy material. Revolution over evolution.

F/X - A SMALL SNIFF

TONY SEPTUMLESS
Well not too edgy. Remember Manuelgate? We can't upset the Daily Mail.

QUENTIN FOKWIT
Got you. Baby Steps. Any ideas?

F/X - A SMALL SNIFF

SALLY-ANNE SNIFFSCOKE
We could get someone in 'My Family' to say "shit".

QUENTIN FOKWIT
Love it. See you all next year.

F/X - A LARGE SNIFF

Hi; I originally wrote this for RFTP but didn't send it in, as I wasn't sure it met the criteria. I've rewitten it and adapted it for TV:

"LAWNWATCH"

INT. RUSTIC FARM HOUSE - NIGHT

TWO PRESENTERS smile at camera.

KATE: Welcome to Lawnwatch. I'm Kate Humble.

CHRIS: And I have a tendency to fidget on live TV.

KATE: Tonight you'll get drama, you'll get comedy, you'll get lucky with a pair of randy Afghans.

CHRIS: Ye-es... All these things and more will be on BBC 1 later tonight, but right now we've got a night vision shot of my back garden.

EXT. BACK GARDEN - NIGHT

We hear CRICKETS CHIRRUPING and not much else.

INT. RUSTIC FARM HOUSE - NIGHT

KATE: Wow. By the way, Lucky is the name of the dog on "Canine Cassanovas". That's on after the news.

CHRIS: Right. Let's go over to the ever intrepid Simon King who's braving the gales and gulls of Bird Island.

EXT. BIRD ISLAND - NIGHT

CLOSE UP - BLAIR WITCH STYLE: SIMON

SIMON: Cold... so C-c-cold.

INT. RUSIC FARMHOUSE - NIGHT

KATE: Wow. How much birdmess can one man swallow?

END.

Two Men are sorting through a pile of sketches.

Smith:
The Writers room should never have started asking for sketches. Honestly these are really poor.

Jones:
Why do they always have to put in so much exposition? I mean you & I have worked in this department reading scripts for many years now so it's easy for us to spot these things.

Smith:
And why do they (MAINTAINS SAME EXPRESSION & TONE OF VOICE) put in so many unneccesary directions

Jones:
(REPLIES)I know what you mean!

Smith:
And why are they mostly just two people talking, be a bit more imaginitive.

Mrs Jacobs:
Why not have a third character

Jones:
As long as there's a point to it though Mrs Jacobs, not just because you think you should.

Smith:
And what about the dialogue of what the people say in some of these sketches!

Jones:
It's always either far too Grandiloquent or it's clunky, and unconvincing it's just not like the people really do talk.

Smith:
Most of these people have probably never even read a book on how to be funny.

Jones:
Don't even joke about it!

Smith:
It's not just being funny though, it's also about keeping it short, avoiding repetition.

Jones:
Avoiding repetition! Exactly, some of these are far too long.

Jones:
Don't have lines in there that aren't needed.

Smith:
I couldn't have put it better myself.

Jones:
Just keep it short, only say what you need to.

Smith
Precisely! Only say exactly what you need to do in the shortest possible time, it's elementary really.

Jones:
Why use many, many words to get a certain point or idea or joke across in your sketches or whatever,when you could say the same thing in far far fewer words, it just doesn't make any sense to me, it really doesn't.

Jones:
People just don't seem to know the basic rules anymore, especially about stealing joke ideas.

Smith:
They know all the rules Sunshine! just not neccessarily in the right order.

Jones:
They don't seem to understand Comedy, subtlety, Irony or the rule of three.

Smith:
Most of these people have probably never even been on a course about reading a book about how to be funny.

Smith:
I even saw someone using a callback as a punchline, I mean how lazy is that?

Jones:
That's the thing, they just know the rules too well these days.

Jones:
You need to understand the rules before you can start making things up as you go along.

Smith: Exactly! You need to ignore the rules in order to understand them.
But everyones writing a load of cliched post modern self indulgent Crap these days if you ask me.

Jones: Better to stick with exactly what we know

Smith: But competely different.

Jones: And definitely no callbacks for punchlines

Smith: How lazy is that.

MEETING WITH BBC HEADS OF DEPARTMENTS

HEAD
Right, have you all got that?
Anyone spilling the beans will be fired instantly.

MEMBER AT MEETING
How long has the writers room been non-existent?

HEAD
That comes under the need-to-know rule and
you don't need to know that but just for the
record, it's been...er...I should say
about a decade.

MEMBER
What happened to all the unsolicited scripts?

HEAD
Dahling, will you stop being boring.
Now, next on the agenda...

INT. BBC PROPS DEPARTMENT/TARDIS. DAY

A BBC MANAGER IS SHOWING AROUND A NEW PRODUCER. THEY STOP OUTSIDE THE 'DOCTOR WHO' TARDIS.

MANAGER: And this, of course, is the famous Tardis. As a producer you'll find it comes in very handy.

PRODUCER: Er, I'm not scheduled to work on Who? I'm down for BBC Three Comedy?

MANAGER: Exactly, you'll be here a lot. (PUSHES TARDIS DOOR OPEN.) It's the only room big enough to house the BBC Three writing team...

INSIDE, WE SEE AN INFINITE NUMBER OF MONKEYS BASHING AWAY AT TYPEWRITERS.

Man: Hello, is that the BBC's comedy department? Great. Could I speak to someone about a script I sent to you a few months ago? I haven't heard anything back yet. What was it called? On Your Own. Yes, I can hold.

MAN WAITS.

Man: Hello again. (Listens) Er, yeah. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Yeah. Okay, I'll f**k off then.

"WOGAN'S LAST HURRAH"

A sketch for radio by Ming the Mirthless.

TERRY (WITH MOCK SOLEMNITY):
And now, my faithful listener, we embark together upon our very last voyage. More than forty years man and boy we've sailed the good ship Wogan across these airwaves enjoying laid-back pop and rock music, folk and country, easy listening, light classics and the odd oldie – not unlike my good self.

As from next Monday, however, it won't be old Captain Tel at the helm. Oh no. It'll be Midshipman Evans, newly promoted to the bridge.

But first, some music - and immediately after this, more about my old friend Chris Evans.

RECORD BEGINS TO PLAY BUT OVER THE INTRO WE HEAR:

TERRY (CONTINUED):
The obnoxious little twat.

MUSIC CONTINUES

TERRY (CONTINUED):
That didn't go out, did it?

PRODUCER (THROUGH HEADPHONES):
I'm afraid it did, Terry.

MUSIC CONTINUES FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN FADES SUDDENLY

TERRY (CHEERFUL AS CAN BE):
A very good morning to one and all! And would you believe it? My last day on the job and the car breaks down on the way to work. I'm cursed, I tell you.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, after running like a mad thing halfway across London and almost giving myself a heart attack, I get to the BBC and as I'm walking into the old studio here, who should come running out, nearly knocking me flying, but Rory Bremner!

Now, what's that little scamp been up to?

END.

EXT. BBC TV CENTRE. DAY.

V/O:
Welcome to the British Broadcasting Corporation. Today we are pleased to unveil the latest addition to the BBC flagship with our new fully interactive 24/7 channel...

CUT TO CAMERA PEERING DOWN OPEN MANHOLE OUTSIDE BBC HQ.

V/O:
...BBC Sewers. Using the most advanced technology BBC Sewers will bring you the finest coverage of sewerage and pipeworks under all BBC establishments and if you press the red button you can find out what's happening in BBC Sewers in your local area.

CUT TO REPORTER SPEAKING WITH WELSH ACCENT WALKING IN A SEWER:

Dai Williams reporting underneath BBC Cardiff for BBC Sewers Wales. Now, it's time for our weekly police report Sewercrime with Sergeant Bob Griffin. Bob.

BOB:
Thanks Dai. There is no sewercrime at the moment and I would in fact recommend moving into a sewer for peace of mind. Over to you Jim.

JIM:
Jim Gibson here. Later on Sewer Living we look at eco-friendly sewer homes but now it's back to BBC Sewer HQ in London.

V/O:
BBC Sewers. Knee deep in shit, morning, noon and night.

BBC NEWSREADER:
And finally. The Daily Mail has written an article stating that the BBC is a mouthpiece for New Labour. We of course vehemently deny that allegation. This is Peter Mandelson, BBC News, wishing you good night.