Not-so-great white

Bit of a daft (but hopefully amusing!) sketch, this. Comments welcome...

Footage of a great white shark swimming around.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH VOICEOVER:
This… is Carcharodon carcharias, otherwise known as the great white shark. It is arguably the world's largest and most successful predatory fish. A typical adult can exceed five metres in length and weigh-in at over a tonne. During an attack, it can strike its prey at a speed of forty kilometres per hour, biting with a force of 1.8 tonnes – that's more than three times that of an African lion and twenty times that of a human. They are, at least from a design point of view, killing machines. This particular great white however, is a joke. Despite appearing as fearsome and deadly as one has become accustomed to expect, throughout the filming of this documentary it has repeatedly shown itself to be a pathetic loser and what can only be described, with a considerable degree of regret in this case, as a disgrace to its species. It appears, for instance, to prey on nothing larger or more challenging than frigate mackerel, and even then, it seems to struggle terribly with the bones, suffering from at least one major choking incident every week without fail. Here it is being mocked by a group of young cape fur seals. Thankfully for the shark, its aquatic environment means that any tears of shame go mercifully undetected. This is not an uncommon occurrence for this wretched, pitiable creature. Copulation is an activity which plays no part in this individual's life, though, one might add, this is not for the want of trying. One can only assume that it is, in fact, a virgin. Were this shark to be turned into soup, it wouldn't even be fit to serve up in a homeless shelter. Even I, the devoted naturalist that I am – ceaselessly awe-struck by all of nature's wonders, regardless of its relative simplicity or unimposing nature – find myself at a loss when attempting to identify one redeeming feature where this dismal excuse for a fish is concerned. It is, in a word, shit.

Funny. I'd end it on, 'One can only assume that it is, in fact, a virgin. It is, in a word, shit.' And cut out: 'Were this shark to be turned into soup.......(to) dismal excuse for a fish is concerned.' Last paragraph was overkill, for me.

My only worry, for you, is the 'joke' has been done before with Viz's pathetic sharks. So maybe swap the footage for a tiger!?

Nice, and you capture Attenborough's voice well, but it could possibly do with trims here and there.

Hi Jim, Liked it but unfortunately agree about the Pathetic Sharks.

But I think you've got David Attenborough's voice down so well maybe there's a bigger idea where he's just really f'd off with wandering around looking at bugs. I mean, is that it? Is that all there is to his life? Being a voyeur, watching bugs and baboons mate? Maybe there are a whole load of scenarios where he talks about various insects doing this, that and the other... but who gives a toss? They're two inches long and they die just like this - Stomps on one with his boot.
They're bugs for God's sake! Why have I wasted my life on them?

Does that make any sense? I know it's a different idea, but it kind of stems out of what you've written.

Thanks for the comments, guys.

Not familiar with the 'pathetic sharks' thing but as you say, Simon, it could easily be adapted to fit something else (I just chose the great white cos it's arguably the most terrifying!).

And, Kasm, I think that a more generally contemptuous/exasperated version of the Attenborough voiceover would also work well. I just liked the idea of him taking issue with a particular 'specimen' for some reason!

This is brilliant you have the style perfect and the development is very smooth building upto a great conclusion. It's so sharp it doesn't need a punchline.

While you have definitely captured the vocal style quite well, I think there are 2 slight problems, a) You say "Despite appearing as fearsome and deadly as one has become accustomed to expect..." which suggests that your shark has actually had some significant success in the eating department? For it to work, maybe you show a pathetic little shark who might look like a pup but is actually a senior citizen in the shark community. (b) Could be pretty difficult to actually film this - you could use stock film except for the bit "Here it is being mocked by a group of young cape fur seals.....". Might work better as a radio bit. Nice effort overall though.

It's very funny but I do feel sorry for that shark.ah

Agreeing with all the comments re: perfect capture of Attenborough. And funny.

Only crit - a tad too long getting to the funny. Maybe less technical detail before the hit.

Thanks for the comments, people. (Very kind, sootyj!)

To get back to your points, Blobster: I think your first one is a valid one (at least from a logical stand point anyway). Though, to be fair, there's nothing to say that what he's stating is necessarily the truth. Perhaps Mr Attenborough just enjoys spreading hurtful rumours where certain wildlife is concerned... I did like your idea of presenting a pup as a fully-grown adult though - would also be quite funny.
With regards to your second point: yeah, the idea was just to use stock footage which (sort of, vaguely) matched the voiceover.