A SUBURBAN HOUSE IN THE UK SURROUNDED BY POLICE WITH GUNS AND PRESS, SARAH (ARTHUR PILCHARD'S HOUSE) IS SOBBING AND BEING COUNSELED BY A WPC.
SARAH
He's a right bugger. All my mum said was she wanted to gobble up baby Damian, she wasn't even being ironic she's 89.
VO
This maybe the tragic chapter in the life of Arthur Pilchard, the man with no sense of irony.
CHIEF POLICE OFFICER TO OTHER POLICE OFFICER.
CHIEF
It's always worse at Christmas with the ironically challenged. One "ooh I'll kill you" or a "He's a little monster," and this is where it ends.
POLICE
Granny bleeding to death on the floor, the turkey burned and a raging humourless psychopath shouting "What's so damn funny?"
POLICE
I think we need to send in the SWAT team.
SARAH
Not the special weapons and tactics, he might be a stupid bastard but he doesn't deserve to die!
CHIEF
Not that SWAT, sarcasm with added taunting.
A WEASELY POLICEMAN WALKS UPTO THE GARDEN PATH HE LIFTS A MICROPHONE.
WEASLEY
Ooh got a shotgun have we? I'm so scared has it got a hairtrigger or is that your cock?
ARTHUR RUNS OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR SCREAMING WITH RAGE.
HE IS FELLED BY A GIANT CUSTARD PIE.
SEVERAL CLOWNS IN BULLET PROOF VESTS SURROUND HIM WITH LASER SIGHTED BUCKETS OF WHITE WASH.
POLICE
Thanks heaven for the special prank group.
SCENE2
A DIM BASEMENT FULL OF TATOOED SCARY MEN SHOUTING AND TAKING BETS.
VO
Next week the world of extreme animal sarcasm.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM ARE 2 BIRD CAGES, SOMEONE WHIPS THE COVERS OFF TO REVEAL 2 PARROTS GOING BERZERK.
PARROT1
Nice feathers didja mum get them in Oxfam?
PARROT2
You're more bent than your beak!
