Two Trees

Two Trees
Written for two blokes in tree costumes (I know I'm a one-trick pony!)

INTRO: TWO TREES ARE STANDING IN A FOREST.
THEY'RE PROBABLY OAK TREES OR SOMETHING. ONE CALLED BOB, ONE CALLED FRANK.

FRANK:
When's the warm-up act on then Bob?

BOB:
You what?

FRANK:
The warm up act? We been standing here ages.

BOB:
What are you talking about Frank?

FRANK:
I can't see anything. Who's on stage?

BOB:
Frank, no-ones going on stage. We're in a forest.

FRANK:
Oh.

FRANK MULLS THIS OVER

FRANK:
So… why we standing here then?

BOB:
We're trees Frank. Standing round in forests is what we do.

FRANK:
Oh.

FRANK MULLS THIS OVER

FRANK:
You mean, everyone's standing around here….. for nothing?

BOB:
What did you think we were doing Frank?

FRANK:
Well, I dunno. It just seems a bit of a waste of time to be waiting here for no reason?

BOB:
Frank, we're not waiting – we're tree's, we haven't got any feet. We can't go anywhere if we wanted to.

FRANK LOOKS AROUND AT ALL THE OTHER TREES AND THEN DOWN AT HIS TRUNK

FRANK:
Well I'd never noticed that.

BOB & FRANK STAND IN SILENCE FOR A BIT OF PONDERING

FRANK:
Fancy going down the pub then?

BOB (slightly impatient):
Frank. No legs! Remember?

FRANK:
I know, but I thought just a quick one?

BOB SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DESPAIR AT FRANK

FRANK:
I might have a kip then…

FRANK WOBBLES LEFT AND RIGHT A BIT AND EVENTUALLY FALLS ONTO HIS SIDE.

AFTER A BRIEF PAUSE…

FRANK:
Bob….Bob….. I think I'm stuck Bob.

I like this but was wondering whether you could incorporate a joke at the end about him falling over and making a noise (something to do with the old "if a tree fall over and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?" saying).

Quote: Tony Cowards @ November 24 2009, 1:37 PM GMT

I like this but was wondering whether you could incorporate a joke at the end about him falling over and making a noise (something to do with the old "if a tree fall over and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?" saying).

View original

Nice.

Yes, it worked for me too. I'm not trying to be picky, and I'm not an expert (arborioligist) but I don't think they can be be oak trees. Not in a forest. Oak trees are usually loners.

There are woods of sessile oaks, which tend to grow quite straight and tall, round where I live; but pedunculate oaks are usually found in the open, where they can branch out, which would have made them valuable in providing naturally curved timbers. More to do with arboriculture than any preference of the trees themselves I think.

The sketch has a peculiar understated charm. My favourite exchange is:

BOB (slightly impatient):
Frank. No legs! Remember?

FRANK:
I know, but I thought just a quick one?

Quote: Tony Cowards @ November 24 2009, 1:37 PM GMT

I like this but was wondering whether you could incorporate a joke at the end about him falling over and making a noise (something to do with the old "if a tree fall over and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?" saying).

View original

I agree; in act I was expecting that ending. Great sketch though - a good punchline would round it off quite nicely.

Here's a thought:

"If a tree farts and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?"

How about a tree close by falls over and makes no noise.

FRANK
Christ did you see that, almost took my eye out with that branch. Hey, he didn't make a noise!!

Bob glances around the deserted forest.

BOB
Well he wouldn't, would he.

Thanks all. I like the tree-falling-in-the-woods joke but can't figure out how to write it in (hard to reference something not being heard)
I had a similar line about another tree whose "bark was worse than his bite" but left it out for being too obvious.

Quote: Morrace @ November 24 2009, 2:13 PM GMT

Here's a thought:

"If a tree farts and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?"

View original

Or more importantly, a smell?