I've been a part time compere for years, doing charity auctions, functions etc, normally with the odd D list in attendance and always thought I was ok at Ad libing and getting the odd laugh
I'd like to try a bit of stand up, but am not interested in gag telling. I like observational comedy and feel I could pull it off, but obviously the material needs to be decent.
Would be great if you could see how this seems to flow and if indeed you would find any of it funny
Evening, hello . .
I never know what to say at that point. It's weird isn't it, saying hello to someone you've never met. It doesn't feel right. We live in a world where we would rather kidnap a child than meet a stranger's eye, which is kind of weird because as soon as we get home, we are happy to profess to the entire world on facebook, that we have just had a really good shit. It's scary nowadays just how quickly word can get around, what with all the instant messaging, blogs, texts and emails. It's like people have become obsessed with knowing things the minute they've happened. I think it's incredible that newspapers are still going strong; I mean that news is old before it's even hit the printing press. It is great that we are keeping the tradition, but we all know the only people that are keeping them in business are fish and chip shops and dads who like long shits. That's two shit references in the first two minutes. The bar's been set.
You hear something these days; via text or email and you get genuinely excited if you've heard the news before anyone else. When you've then let other people know the news, that news is yours. It's as if you've just got the scoop yourself. Soon you're telling people that you knew before other people, it's not long before you're the one that tipped off Reuters. It used to be "I remember where I was when 9/11 happened. " These days its "I remember telling John when 9/11 happened. The most ridiculous example of this is during the debacle that is New Years Eve / New years day. It used to be the case that if you saw someone leading up to, or just after New Year, you'd wish them a Happy New Year. That was good enough for everyone. Nowadays, there has to be a text. A text from a person you barely know. A text from a person who hasn't texted you since last New Years Eve. The odd text from people who aren't in your phone book and you spend most of the night drunkenly trying to work out if its an ex. It has a kiss on it so it probably isn't. The new trend seems to be this. "I'm sending you this early as the networks will get really busy. Happy New Year!" I'm starting to get them on boxing day! Here's an idea, how about stop sending pointless f**king texts to people you barely know and spend New Years with people you do, you can then wish them a Happy New Year in person and save yourself the money and the hassle.
I've started to do the same thing for people's birthdays. I'm really crap at remembering, so I just send a text out saying "I know it's early, but the networks can get pretty busy, happy birthday" The only time that doesn't work is around about a three-week window after their birthday. This normally results in a "What, it was last Thursday!" text, which can easily be resolved with a "Yes, but I'm getting it in really early this year!"
I'm saddened by the whole social networking scene and the total lack of human interaction. Recently I decided I would say hello to people on the train. What a strange reaction. Most pretended to be deaf, some pretended to be foreign, some, in truth were actually deaf or foreign, so we'll let them off and the rest just called me a weirdo. ME, A WEIRDO? Then it dawned on me, of course, I am the Weirdo. When commuting you have to stick to the list. If you stray from the list, you are THE WEIRDO. You are allowed to be asleep, you are allowed to read, you are allowed to listen to music, but bopping your head in any way swiftly moves you towards weirdo territory, so be careful. You are allowed to play with your phone, watch movies and use your laptop. You are only allowed to gauge eye contact for a maximum of two seconds and for a maximum of three times. That is unless a WEIRDO is present, in which case you are allowed further eye contact and the mutual eyebrow raising and smirking can commence. What you must not do at any time is stray from this list, the worse offence would be to strike up a conversation, either with another passenger, or even worse with someone on the phone.
It's sad isn't it? You've either got to be drunk or on holiday, or both, to really get into the hello stranger spirit. Saying hello to strangers is genuinely one of the things I look forward to when I go on holiday. The morning walkers are best; it's almost a race to see who can say it first. It's like a morning walkers duel. It's a pressurised environment, say it too early and you are too desperate, say it too late and it looks like you've only said it because they did. Mutual Hello'ing is an art and is the Holy Grail. Have you noticed that when on holiday you can pretty much strike up a conversation about anything. Nothing is out of bounds, nothing feels awkward. It's like the barriers have been removed. It's like updating your facebook status. "How was your meal last night?" "Terrible, don't have this fish whatever you do, shitting through the eye of a needle until 3am, seems a little more solid this morning though! And it's weird how we spend so much time getting ready in the evening, making sure our tan is just right, choosing our best shirt or dress, when every single person in that restaurant would have seen you two hours earlier emerging from the sea looking like Susan Boyle
