INT. COURT ROOM DAY.
A MAN IN HIS MID THIRTIES IS SITTING IN THE WITNESS BOX WHILE A BARRISTER IS QUESTIONING HIM. THE ELDERLY JUDGE IS LOOKING DOWN ON PROCEEDINGS IMPERIOUSLY THROUGH HIS STEEL-RIMMED SPECTACLES.
BARRISTER
Let me just understand this correctly, Mr Marble.
MARVO
Marvo.
BARRISTER
So, you still wish us to refer to you by your stage name – even though there is no evidence of you ever having practised as a magician on or off stage, anywhere in the country?
MARVO
Yer.
BARRISTER
Very well, Mr Marvo. Getting back to the case - by your own admission, you pinned the middle-aged victim against the wall of the dark alley and then shouted, "Right, you bitch. You know you want it and I'm going to give it to you long and hard."
MARVO
Yer.
BARRISTER
Would you care to enlighten the court as to how this statement does not prove conclusively the prosecution's case of attempted rape?
MARVO
Yer, well, like. I was talking to my dog.
BARRISTER
Ah, your legendary dog.
MARVO
S'right. She kind of tripped me up with her leash and I landed against the lady, pinning her against the wall. Well, my er female dog or my 'bitch' as I calls her, likes to go for walkies. So, I was tellin' her that I was going to take her for a long walk. Up hill akcherly, so it would have made it long and hard, wouldn't it?
BARRISTER
And you are sticking to this dog story, are you? Even though none of your friends or acquaintances has ever seen you with a dog.
MARVO
Well, it's invisible, innit.
JUDGE (under his breath)
Poppycock. An invisible dog?
MARVO
I'm a magician.
BARRISTER
So, as a magician, you would have no problem making something I choose in this courtroom disappear before our very eyes?
MARVO
Ah, well no – I can only make dogs disappear.
BARRISTER
How convenient. So, where is your dog now?
MARVO
Dunno. Can't find it – on account of it being invisible, an' all.
JUDGE (to himself as he makes notes)
Tommy-rot.
BARRISTER
Moving on. It was only good fortune on the part of your victim that she managed to knee you in the groin several times and stopped you. Although you still persisted with your attack, didn't you?
MARVO
Don't know what you mean.
BARRISTER
Then let me elucidate, Mr Marvo. You then attempted a sexual assault on the lady in question.
MARVO
Didn't.
BARRISTER
So you deny trying to stuff your hand down her knickers?
MARVO
Well I were going to do part of my act.
BARRISTER
Are we to take it that you also see yourself as a glove puppeteer now?
MARVO
Nah, I was tryin' to entertain her by pulling a rabbit out of there.
BARRISTER
Out of her knickers? A rabbit?
MARVO
Yeah. Rampant rabbit, as it happens.
JUDGE (to himself as he scribbles notes)
Absolute pervert.
BARRISTER
And did you manage to complete this amazing trick?
MARVO
No. I were viciously interrupted.
BARRISTER
Interrupted? Ah this would be by the lady headbutting you several times, breaking your nose and fracturing your cheekbone in the process.
MARVO
Yeah – well out of order, that. Been 'avin' 'eadaches ever since.
BARRISTER
Yet this still did not stop you from trying to salvage some sort of gain from the encounter.
JUDGE (to himself as he writes)
Scum.
BARRISTER
And so you delved inside her bag to steal her money.
MARVO
I was doin' a card trick - showing her how I'd miraclessly transported a card into her bag.
BARRISTER
A Visa or Mastercard I presume.
MARVO
Nah, playing card - it was a red one... or black one. I forget.
BARRISTER
And did you find it?
MARVO
Didn't give me a chance – she bleeding slammed me fingers in the metal clasp.
BARRISTER
Thus explaining the broken fingers, I take it?
MARVO HOLDS UP HIS HUGE BANDAGED FINGERS TO THE AUDIENCE.
BARRISTER
Well, Mr Marble. I'm afraid it just doesn't wash, does it? You attempted rape, then sexual assault and finally robbery - and it was only the quick thinking and bravery of your potential victim, coupled with your own idiotic incompetence that resulted in abject failure on all three counts.
MARVO
I'm a magician. Honest, swear on me life. Ask anyone.
BARRISTER
Very well – with the courts permission. If Mr Marble can perform a genuine act of magic in front of us all, I think we can assume he is telling the truth and that he is totally innocent of all charges.
MARVO
What perform now? Here?
THE BARRISTER SWEEPS HIS HAND AROUND THE COURTRROM EXPANSIVELY.
BARRISTER
Come, come, Mr Marvo. Your audience awaits. You're not going to let them down, surely.
MARVO
Erm. Right. ( Half-heartedly throws his uninjured hand in the air) Abracasham-um-wotsit.
THE COURTROOM IS SILENT.
BARRISTER
Let me guess: Was that the name of your invisible dog you were calling in order that she should come and rescue you?
MARVO LOOKS AROUND DESPERATELY FOR A SECOND.
MARVO
Um. No... I er... I've just magicly er… Hang on – I've just changed what the judge is wearin' under his red robe into fishnet stockings, suspender belt and lady's corset.
BARRISTER
Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, very drole, Mr Marble.
MARVO
Well... if you don't believe me – get him to lift 'is robes.
JUDGE (looking around frantically and then feigning shock)
Good god! How extraordinary! (starting to clap as he adjusts himself in his seat) Well, Mr Marvo, the court owes you a huge apology. (bangs gavel) Case dismissed.
