Royal Mail sketch

This would have to be cut over a few segments due to the length

It was early morning in a small town called Swindon and a postman was starting his first day on the job. He approaches number 96 London Street to deliver their morning post. The house no. is clearly visible and is illuminated. The postman is taking his time and looking up and down at the house. He then proceeds to knock.

(A knock at the door, woman answers).

Women: Oh….good morning!

Postman:Morning!

Women:Ahh Excellent! I see you have my post there.

Postman:Well I think I do.

Women: OK, um what have you got then? This is 96 here

Postman:Is it?

Women:Yeah, look (WOMAN POINTS AT HOUSE NO.)

Postmanh yeah, didn't notice that.

Women (SLIGHTLY BEMUSED LOOK)

Oh right, well…. just before you go, I'll just let you know that the letter box is just on the sidedoor round there, so the next time you come round, just put in there. Alright

Postmank…..sure will do.

Women:Thanks

Woman goes inside

(The next morning and it was roughly an hour earlier than the day before)

Postman is seen delivering letters as normal to all other houses walks past 96 but then backtracks on himself. He approaches to knock.

(There was a knock at the door)

Womenh hello again,

Postman:Good morning

Women:You're a bit earlier today, you getting used to your round.

Postmanunno… Got your post here. (Rummages through ruck sack)

Women:Ahh ok.

Postman goes to leave

Woman:Remember there is the letter box round there that I spoke about yesterday? If you can just put it in there then that would be great. I might not always be up this time – beauty sleep and all that.

Postman:Yep, Ok....au revoir.

Next day –

Postman is seen delivering letters as normal to all other houses

Postman approaches womans house he knocks at the door. The women peers out the top window and notices the post man – anguished look.

Women:tut!…..what, for goodness sake (Mutters under her breath).

Woman then opens door

Women:Hello again. Have you got a parcel or something for me?

Postman:no, just post today madam.

Womenh? (Sounds confused)

Women:umm thanks…sorry did you not remember the letter box I told you about?

Postman:Letter box? (confused look)

Women:Yes I told you about it yesterday…..it's just over there look.

Postmanh right, sorry I didn't know you had one madam.

Woman is agitated, but lets him off

Womenh right (sighing), well please use it from now on, thank you. Bye.

Postman:Laters.

Postman seen walking off delivering as normal to the next door neighbour

(The next day and its a Sunday morning and there is another knock at the door)

Women (angry): Ummm what are you doing?
it's a Sunday, why on Earth are you delivering post today!?

Postmanh. I thought I would give you tomorrows post.

Women:What for? What you thinking of? It's early in the morning on a bloody Sunday. And again why are you knocking!? I have told you three times, there is a letter box right there. Use it for Christ sakes.

Postman hands over letters

Womenk well thankyou (sarcastically)

Woman goes to walk back inside

Woman….umm, ….wait a minute (Puzzled in the face)

Postman:Yeah what's up?

Women:This isn't my post! This is for number 149 down the road. We are number 96!

Postmanh right, yeah hang on a sec.

Postman looks for correct post – takes his time

Postman;Ahh, it looks like you don't have any.

Women:This is ridiculous. What are you playing at? What's your name by the way?

Postmantreet name is Bad Pat, real on the street name is Stephen - Stephen Stevens

Women:Right… Ok, Stevens, just use the letter box next time

Woman goes inside

Postman: (talking to closed door)

Stephen..

As the women closed the door, she was furious and decided to ring the Royal Mail to complain about the postman.

Royal Mail:Good Morning, Royal Mail, Nick speaking, how can I help?

Womenoh, didn't for one minute think anyone would answer on a Sunday, but I'm just ringing up to complain about the service that I am getting from the postman that delivers to my house.

Royal Mailk, sorry to hear that madam, don't suppose you know the name of the postman at all? And your full address please

Women:Yes I do it actually, hes called uh Stephen, Stephen Stevens and I live down 96 London street, Swindon.

Royal Mail:Bear with me madam; I will just look him up on our system.

Womenk thanks.

(There was a long pause as Royal Mail searches for the postman's details)

Royal Mail:Hello?

Women:Hello….

Royal Mail:Hello?

Woman(angrily) Yes, Hello!

Royal Mail:I'm sorry to say, but we have no Stephen Stevens working here I'm afraid. I have found a Stephen Gareth, could that me him?

Women:How would I know!?

Royal Mail:What's he look like?

Women:Why, would that help?

Royal Mail:Not really we only use a mainframe legacy system here, no GUI… no photos, but I have searched under the name, and it shows no record. Sorry.

Women: (sarcastic)What about Bad Pat?

Royal Mail:Bad Pat?

Women:yeah, Bad pat.

Royal Mail 1 sec….

Yeah he's on here, though it says he got sacked 2 months ago.

Women:Well that's ridiculous, can you send…(Royal Mail assistant has put her on an automated line saying the offices are only open Monday to Saturday and are now closed)

Womenmouths in disbelief) Pathetic

Not quite sure what to make of this. It comes across like an anecdote of something that happened in real life, with no real sense of direction and there's nothing in the way of a joke anywhere. I kept reading to the end in the hope of a funny resolution but it wasn't there.

Try thinking about the words of your sketch in a very literal way, in the way that children take things literally. This helps me write good jokes. How about this:

******************
Woman: Oh….good morning!

Postman: Morning!

Woman: What have you got today?

Postman: Leprocy.

Woman: I'm sorry?

Postman: So am I. Do you want your post or not?

Woman: You keep it.

*********************
And if you're going to send anything to a production company, just make sure everything is spelt correctly, and the grammar is bulletproof. Your stage direction is a confused mix of past and present tense for example.

Keep reading sketches and scripts and watching comedy shows and take criticism with positivity; it all serves to make you a better writer.

I reserve judgment on this sketch until I hear what Roodeye has to say.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ November 18 2009, 9:21 PM GMT

I reserve judgment on this sketch until I hear what Roodeye has to say.

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Taken at face value, Paul's sketches are a load of bollocks.

There is, however, an intelligence at work here.

Quote: Roodeye @ November 18 2009, 9:42 PM GMT

Taken at face value, Paul's sketches are a load of bollocks.

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One man's load of bollocks is another man's load of perfectly formed breasts (assuming the other man isn't gay of course).

Quote: Morrace @ November 19 2009, 6:51 PM GMT

One man's load of bollocks is another man's load of perfectly formed breasts

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Or yet another man's sweetbreads.

Some nice ideas here Paul but they're dissipated by the length and the lack of focus. For example, the end bit: woman phoning up. It's more sitcom extract than self-contained sketch, to me. But on a plus, this is the first of yours that I've read and could comprehend what was going on.