The Organ Player

All feedback greatly appreciated.

THE ORGAN PLAYER

INT. CHURCH. DAY

A MAN (MID 30's) DRESSED ALL IN BLACK IS WALKING ALONG THE BALCONY LEADING UP TO THE CHURCH ORGAN. HE IS A SOFTLY-SPOKEN, RESERVED CHARACTER; HE HUNCHES FORWARD DEFERENTIALLY AS HE SPEAKS TO A YOUNG COUPLE.

WIFE
So how long have you been playing for?

ORGANIST
Oh, I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. And I've only ever played with this one organ [LAUGHS TO HIMSELF]. I've become so attached I call it 'my organ', I shouldn't really, you only ever borrow these things from God!

WIFE
So will you be available for our wedding? We'd love you to play.

ORGANIST
Oh yes, I shall be there, bashing away. But I must warn you, I become very nervous when people are watching. Sometimes I feel as though I can't even please myself, let alone those around me.

HUSBAND
Oh, I'm sure you're just being modest.

WIFE
But you'll be all right to play on the day, won't you?

ORGANIST
Of course, weddings are my favourite time to play. The emotion just seems to take over and becomes so strong it feels as though God has commanded me to play with 'my organ'. [LAUGHS] There I go again!

WIFE
I know I'm being cheeky but do you think we could get a little demo?

ORGANIST
Well, ok, but don't expect too much, as you know, the two of you watching puts a lot of pressure on me.

HE SITS DOWN CRICKS HIS NECK AND CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES. [CONCURRENTLY WITH THE HUSBAND'S NEXT LINE]

HUSBAND
Oh don't be so modest, I'm sure you're wonderf...[THE ORGANIST BEGINS TO UNZIP HIS FLIES]

THE ORGANIST CAN, BRIEFLY, BE SEEN SHAKING UP AND DOWN THE PRIEST COMES RUNNING IN.

PRIEST
Stop him, stop him, he's doing it again.

THE CAMERA FLASHES AWAY FROM THE ORGANIST, SPINNING AROUND THE CHURCH.

WIFE
Oh my god! What's he...oh my!

END OF SKETCH

Quote: Griff @ November 18 2009, 12:32 AM GMT

I really hoped that there was going to be more to this sketch than an extended "playing the organ" = "playing with my knob" misunderstanding.

View original

Sorry.

In some ways, I like the inevitability of the sketch. It's a post post-ironic organ sketch to some degree. I can see it being performed with a big knowing wink and it's well written (as usual). However, as Griff alludes to, it will just have most people saying "is that all?".

Quote: Tim Walker @ November 18 2009, 12:39 AM GMT

In some ways, I like the inevitability of the sketch. It's a post post-ironic organ sketch to some degree. I can see it being performed with a big knowing wink and it's well written (as usual). However, as Griff alludes to, it will just have most people saying "is that all?".

View original

Yeah, I can why most people would find it too predictable. As I've said before, predictability isn't necessarily something I'm trying to avoid (as you can see), so many sketch shows have predictable punchlines, especially with recurring sketches. I'm slightly embarrassed to say it, but I was thinking of Ben Miller playing the role of the organist (in my head). Uhm, not sure where to take it now. Thanks for reading though, Griff and Tim.

EDIT: It was going to be part of a running sketch where the 'organist' takes a number of jobs but it just presents an opportunity for him to jack off in inappropriate arenas.

This is a great sketch, but I think Griff's right - the ending should defy expectation, then it'll be a real gem.

"HE SITS DOWN CRICKS HIS NECK AND CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES." And...?

Any ideas anybody?

Quote: Marc_P_74 @ November 18 2009, 9:55 PM GMT

This is a great sketch, but I think Griff's right - the ending should defy expectation, then it'll be a real gem.

"HE SITS DOWN CRICKS HIS NECK AND CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES." And...?

Any ideas anybody?

View original

Thanks marc! I have a few ideas of where to take it. That is the beauty of critique it really does push you to try and come up with funnier, more unexpected elements to your work. Cheers all!

Hopefully there'll be a funnier edit to read soon!

It really needs to be a running gag. Several sketches with the inevitability of the guy getting his knob out would be a great addition to any adult sketch show.

Dreadfully juvenile humour, of course - but it can be very very funny if done right.

An edit(ALTERNATE ENDING)following 'criticism' of the original version. All feedback greatly appreciated.

THE ORGAN PLAYER

INT. CHURCH. DAY

A MAN (MID 30's) DRESSED ALL IN BLACK IS WALKING ALONG THE BALCONY LEADING UP TO THE CHURCH ORGAN. HE IS A SOFTLY-SPOKEN, RESERVED CHARACTER; HE HUNCHES FORWARD DEFERENTIALLY AS HE SPEAKS TO A YOUNG COUPLE.

WIFE
So how long have you been playing for?

ORGANIST
Oh, I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. And I've only ever played with this one organ [LAUGHS TO HIMSELF]. I've become so attached I call it 'my organ', I shouldn't really, you only ever borrow these things from God!

WIFE
So will you be available for our wedding? We'd love you to play.

ORGANIST
Oh yes, I shall be there, bashing away. But I must warn you, I become very nervous when people are watching. Sometimes I feel as though I can't even please myself, let alone those around me.

HUSBAND
Oh, I'm sure you're just being modest.

WIFE
But you'll be all right to play on the day, won't you?

ORGANIST
Of course, weddings are my favourite time to play. The emotion just seems to take over and becomes so strong it feels as though God has commanded me to play with 'my organ'. [LAUGHS] There I go again!

WIFE
I know I'm being cheeky but do you think we could get a little demo?

ORGANIST
Well, ok, but don't expect too much, as you know, the two of you watching puts a lot of pressure on me.

HE SITS DOWN CRICKS HIS NECK AND CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES. [CONCURRENTLY WITH THE HUSBAND'S NEXT LINE]

HUSBAND
Oh don't be so modest, I'm sure you're wonderf...
________________________________________________________________________________
ALTERNATE END

THE 'ORGANIST' BEGINS TO UNZIP HIS FLIES; WE SEE HIM JIGGLING ABOUT FROM BEHIND.

WIFE
[QUICKLY LOOKING AWAY] Oh my...

HUSBAND
What are you doing?!

ORGANIST
Oh, sorry, [FLAPPING HIS FLIES OPEN] I've put on a little weight recently, Miss Bunbridge's cakes, you see! So what would you like me to play?

WIFE
Well, it would be lovely to hear the wedding march before our 'big day'.

ORGANIST
Ok, here goes.

HE BASHES AT THE KEYS, PLAYING A TERRIBLE DIRGE; HE STOPS THEN TURNS AROUND TO THE COUPLE.

ORGANIST
I'm not really an organ player. I just wanted to feel a part of something, you know. I come here every Tuesday to clean the windows, nobody even looks at me. I come in, no one knows I'm here, I leave and no one knows I've gone.

THE COUPLE WALK AWAY.

ORGANIST
Oh, come back, make me feel like a somebody, please! D'you at least want your windows cleaned? I do inside and out.

HE SOBS AND PULLS A GUN FROM HIS POCKET; HE PUTS THE GUN TO HIS HEAD. THE PRIEST COMES IN TO SHOT AND RESTS HIS HAND ON THE ORGANIST'S SHOULDER.

PRIEST
[SHAKING HIS HEAD] Not near the organ.

END OF SKETCH

I liked the orignal sketch.

But the alternative ending is good too.

One thing I would say is that its abit wordy.....

He could possible chase them as they run off....

Just an idea

Quote: Jon Pearson @ December 3 2009, 2:12 PM GMT

I liked the orignal sketch.

But the alternative ending is good too.

One thing I would say is that its abit wordy.....

He could possible chase them as they run off....

Just an idea

View original

Thanks Jon. Did you feel the whole of the sketch was overly wordy or just the alternate ending?
Your suggested ending of chasing the couple would prevent me from ending it with the priest coming up. Cheers.

No, the original was not to wordy.

The alternative ending just seems alittle laboured. Might just be me though.

Dont get me wrong, I love the ending, and I think your right, I love the priest arriving at the end..... that really did make me laugh.
I think maybe its the dialogue of the organist.

Actually, maybe the couple should not just walk away but try and put him down gently, maybethat's what its missing

Yeah, the organist's lines in the new version are a bit crappy really. Needs a bit of a attention to cut it down (consider it a work in progress). Cheers Jon, always nice to be told where I'm going wrong.

BTW which would you say you preferred the original or the alternate ending?

Like I said, I like both.
The alternative ending is a little more my bag, its a little bit more dark.

Possibly, you could change it so the organist rolls up his sleeves and gets out a blade, goes to slash his wrists but gets stopped by the priest.
The priest holds the organists wrists, and calmly says
"Down the river, not across the street my child" and calmy walks away with a smug grin on his face.

Quote: Jon Pearson @ December 3 2009, 3:30 PM GMT

"Down the river, not across the street my child"

View original

I've never heard that before! Is that a well known saying in the world of self-harm then?
I like the line but I think I want to keep it that the priest doesn't want him to get the organ messy, for now at least.

Thanks Jon.

Yeah its a well know self harm thing.

Pretty much people that REALLY want to kill themself go slash down the arm not across.

But now we are getting REALLY dark!