Haven't posted in critique for a while - feeling very rusty. All comments appreciated.
Bo.
SCENE 1RESTAURANT
F/XRESTAURANT AMBIENCE
REPORTER
He's been called a culinary wizard, the mad professor of fine dining and now Bertrand Douche has invited me to his new restaurant to sample his latest creations. Bertrand, what's the thinking behind this latest venture?
CHEF
I believe food goes beyond simple nourishment. With each dish I create I want to inflame the diner's senses and conjure up vivid life memories.
REPORTER
I notice an mp3 player on the table. What's that for?
CHEF
All will be revealed in due course.
REPORTER
Intriguing! Well, my knife and fork are at the ready and I don't mind telling you, I'm absolutely ravishing.
CHEF
Then let the journey begin. We start with a scallop dish entitled "Coquilles au jeu"
REPORTER
Scallops are one of my favourites so... Woah! (Laughs) Each time I try to skewer one of the scallops it skids across the plate.
CHEF
It's a little trick with magnets.
REPORTER
Hah, ingenious... but I'm not sure why--
F/XTHE REPORTER IS SLAPPED ACROSS THE FACE
REPORTER
Ow! What the f...! You just slapped me!
CHEF
Yes, I did.
REPORTER
Right across the face! Why did you slap me across the face?
CHEF
Please press play on the mp3 player.
F/XTHE MP3 PLAYER CLICKS ON
MP3 OF GRUFF MALE VOICE
What have I told you about playing with your food!
CHEF
Viola! The memory of an angry father, his last nerve shredded by his son's incessant fiddling.
REPORTER
Right... I think I get it. Although I don't remember my dad ever hitting me—
THE CHEF CLAPS HIS HANDS.
CHEF
Bring on the main course! Ah, now this is a beautifully over-cooked beef loin served sans jus.
REPORTER
Now, this smells beautiful. (TAKES MOUTHFUL) Mmm, it's delicious... if a tad on the dry side.
CHEF
Really?
REPORTER
Yes, it's a bit chewy. Actually I don't think I can swallow this... I'm afraid I'll have to spit this out. (SPITS)
F/XTHE REPORTER IS SLAPPED ACROSS THE FACE
REPORTER
Ow! You slapped me again! What was that for?!
F/XTHE MP3 PLAYER CLICKS ON
MP3 OF SHRILL FEMALE VOICE
I slave over that stove for hours and that's how you show your appreciation?
CHEF
Behold! Another memory brought vividly to life - who can forget their mother's disappointment at a meal barely touched!
REPORTER
Oh, this is ridiculous! None of these are memories I have—
THE CHEF CLAPS HIS HANDS AGAIN
CHEF
Time for dessert! This is a duo of firm pink blancmanges, each topped by a macerated cherry.
REPORTER
Okay... are they supposed to look like breasts?
CHEF
They are meant to be pleasing to the eye as well as the palate.
REPORTER
Right... I don't appear to have any cutlery.
CHEF
(CHUCKLES) Then use your hands.
REPORTER
Actually, no! No, I think I can see where this is going. I'm not going to touch them because I think you're just going to slap me again.
F/XTHE REPORTER IS SLAPPED ACROSS THE FACE
REPORTER
Ow! I never touched her, them, the blancmanges!
F/XTHE MP3 PLAYER CLICKS ON
MP3 OF FEMALE VOICE
You can't even bare to touch me! You're having an affair aren't you, you bastard!
CHEF
(SOLEMNLY) Oh... the memory of a loved one betrayed.
PAUSE
REPORTER
(ALMOST IN TEARS) Biggest mistake of my life!
END
