BITE SIZE SKETCH

INT. TRANSYLVANIA. NIGHT.

IN A LARGE STONE-BUILT KITCHEN FESTOONED WITH DUSTY COBWEBS, THREE MEN WITH SLICKED BACK HAIR STAND BY AN OPEN FIRE, STARING MOODILY INTO THE FLAMES. THEY ALL WEAR LONG BLACK CLOAKS AND SIP FROM MUGS OF COFFEE.

A WOMAN IN A FLOATY WHITE DRESS APPEARS AT THE KITCHEN DOOR AND DRIFTS TOWARDS THE WOODEN TABLE WHERE THERE IS A POT OF COFFEE. SHE POURS HERSELF A MUG AND WE CLOSE IN TO SEE THAT HER MAKE-UP IS A MESS: BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK ALL OVER HER MOUTH, MASCARRA UP HER EYELIDS, FACE-POWDER ALL OVER HER MESSY, STRAGGLY HAIR.

THE THREE MEN LOOK TOWARDS HER, NOD A GREETING AND QUICKLY TURN AWAY, APPEARING EVEN MOODIER THAN BEFORE.

THE WOMAN BARES HER TEETH IN A HUMOURLESS SMILE FOR A SECOND, EXPOSING HER SHARP INCISORS, BEFORE SHE DRIFTS BACK OUT OF THE KITCHEN CLASPING HER COFFEE.

MAN #1 LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO MAKE SURE THE WOMAN IS OUT OF EARSHOT.

MAN #1
Can someone per-leease induct a f**king scientist into the group to invent a mirror we can see ourselves in?

That's pretty good Kasm, nice one.

Lovely idea but I think the three male vampires are the wrong ones to be delivering the gag.

I'd do it the other way round - the standard Dracula type with three beautiful female vampires all with terrible makeup etc. Have them asking Dracula to get someone to invent a mirror.

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Afinkawan - do you really think so? I thought if it came from the female vampires it would mean they knew they looked hideous. Isn't it more that they're wandering around thinking they look fine and it's the poor male vampires who have to put up with their women looking horrible?

I liked it too.
Funny and moody.
Only thing is that I wasn't sure the men were vampires until reading the punchline.

Hi Curt,
I purposely made it slightly ambiguous until the end. I had a damned good reason too. Trouble is I can't remember what it was. Although, I think it was that I'm always afraid of giving the game away too soon or over-explaining jokes. If you think it's fine that you know they're vampires from the off then I think I'll change it.
Cheers

Quote: Kasm @ November 17 2009, 2:03 PM GMT

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Afinkawan - do you really think so? I thought if it came from the female vampires it would mean they knew they looked hideous. Isn't it more that they're wandering around thinking they look fine and it's the poor male vampires who have to put up with their women looking horrible?

View original

I guess that's the bit that jarred slightly.

Also, with it not being obvious they are vampires what it looks like is three guys and a random slut or prostitute walking into the room. I think this sketch is a bit too short for the cracking mirror gag and a seemingly pointless pull-back/reveal.

The mirror gag really is a very good one and I think you dilute the strength of it by doing this as anything other than a classic, obvious-to-everyone-immediately type setting.

for what it's worth, I would have done this:

INT. TRANSYLVANIA. NIGHT.

IN A LARGE STONE-BUILT CELLAR COUNT DRACULA SLOWLY RISES FROM HIS COFFIN.

THREE BEAUTIFUL VAMPIRESSES IN FLOATY WHITE DRESSES APPEAR AND DRIFT TOWARDS THE COUNT. THEIR MAKE-UP IS A MESS: BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK ALL OVER THEIR MOUTHS, MASCARRA UP THEIR EYELIDS, FACE-POWDER ALL OVER THEIR MESSY, STRAGGLY HAIR.

DRACULA LOOKS TOWARDS THEM, BARING HIS POINTY TEETH AND HISSING AS IF IN FEAR.

VAMPIRESS #1
(EXASPERATED) Vlad, can you please induct someone who can invent a mirror we can see ourselves in?

This isn't a sketch that withstands very close analysis because, given the premise that vampires aren't reflected in mirrors, we'd expect to see the male vampires either with beards or with faces cut to ribbons by razor scars.

In the real world of vampires (if you'll forgive the expression), I expect each man is shaved by someone else and the women apply make-up to each other.

But, as I say, we mustn't delve too deeply.

Best just to chuckle and move on.

Quote: Kasm @ November 17 2009, 1:01 PM GMT

INT. TRANSYLVANIA. NIGHT.

View original

I laughed at this bit.

SFX
Crumple, crumple, wheeeeeee... plop! as screwed up paper hits bin.

Fair enough, it was just an idea - onwards and upwards.

Don't just bin it. Like I said, exploring the consequences of not being able to see yourself in the mirror if you are a vampire is a cracking good one.

MOST sketches don't bear very close analysis - but then who wants comedy to be 100% realistic?

This one is one of those ideas I wish I'd thought of myself.

One of the funniest stand-up lines ever is "How does Dracula shave?"

The snag is that 99% of the audience don't get it.

SFX
Rustle, rustle. Sound of paper being smoothed out and then some mad scribbling:

INT. TRANSYLVANIA CASTLE. NIGHT.

IN A LARGE STONE-BUILT KITCHEN FESTOONED WITH DUSTY COBWEBS, THREE MALE VAMPIRES STAND BY AN OPEN FIRE, STARING MOODILY INTO THE FLAMES AS THEY SIP THEIR COFFEE. WE CLOSE IN TO SEE THEIR CHEEKS AND NECKS DOTTED WITH BITS OF TISSUE PAPER AND WHILE TUFTS OF ERRANT STUBBLE SPROUT HERE AND THERE.

A FEMALE VAMPIRE IN A FLOATY WHITE DRESS APPEARS AT THE KITCHEN DOOR AND DRIFTS TOWARDS THE WOODEN TABLE WHERE THERE IS A POT OF COFFEE. SHE POURS HERSELF A MUG AND WE CLOSE IN TO SEE THAT HER MAKE-UP IS A MESS: BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK ALL OVER HER MOUTH, MASCARRA UP HER EYELIDS, FACE-POWDER ALL OVER HER MESSY, STRAGGLY HAIR.

THE THREE MALES LOOK TOWARDS HER, NOD A GREETING AND QUICKLY TURN AWAY, APPEARING EVEN MOODIER THAN BEFORE.

THE FEMALE BARES HER TEETH IN A HUMOURLESS SMILE BEFORE DRIFTING BACK OUT OF THE KITCHEN WITH HER COFFEE.

VAMPIRE #1 LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO MAKE SURE THE FEMALE IS OUT OF EARSHOT.

VAMPIRE #1
Can we per-leease induct someone who can invent a mirror to see ourselves in?

That's certainly a lot better but I think the ideal 'punchline' might be visual rather than verbal.

The verbal version sounds a little like you're explaining the joke.

My ideal version of this potentially excellent sketch would have a large mirror over the fireplace. A servant walks past it, maybe carrying a tray of drinks, and is clearly reflected in the mirror.

He then informs one of the vamps that he has a smudge of soot on his nose. The vamp goes to look in the mirror, isn't reflected and expresses consternation either by a Homer-style "D'oh!" or by some grimace.

That would get a big laugh from an intelligent, educated audience.

Now, someone wanting to a pain in the arse might ask why the mirror would be there but there are several quite reasonable answers if one was of a mind to get involved with such matters.

It's a nice visual, then it seems to be 'spoilt' by a verbal puchline. I agree with Roodeye re. a visual punchline with the use of a mirror. Why is the mirror there? Decorative purposes. My old mum used to litter rooms with all sorts of mirrors - they also give the impression that a room is larger.