Bond Villain Helpline sketch

*Sound of phone ringing and telephone connection*

TRACY
"Hello, Acme Weapons of Mass Destruction technical support desk, Tracy speaking, how can I help you?"

EVIL GENIUS
"Well I seem to have a problem with one of your products"

TRACY
"Which one is that sir?"

EVIL GENIUS
"Erm…it's this Exterminator 3000 Heat Ray Generator that I bought from you recently, I've just gone to use it and it's not working properly. I need it rather urgently as I've got some unexpected visitors outside trying to scale the sides of my Volcano lair"

TRACY
"Right, okay…now try to remain calm Mr…?"

EVIL GENIUS
"No"

TRACY
"No?"

EVIL GENIUS
"Yes"

TRACY
"Yes?"

EVIL GENIUS
"No"

TRACY
"No?"

EVIL GENIUS
"Yes that's right, No, Dr No, as well as an evil genius I'm a qualified GP"

TRACY
"Aaah I see, well Dr No, have you had a test firing since you bought it?"

EVIL GENIUS
"Well I did try it on one of my subordinate lackeys earlier, you know in an effort to instil some discipline. I thought, I'll teach you a lesson for turning up to the lair late as usual in scruffy orange overalls and with your helmet not properly polished. So I gave him a quick blast and all it did was give him a bit of sunburn, not really the destructive power I was expecting if I'm honest. Not exactly "The destructive power of 10 Goldeneye satellites!" as claimed by your salesman!"

TRACY
"Right sir, I know this sounds stupid but have you plugged it in? You'd be amazed at how many attemptee world dominators get carried away and forget to check the basics"

EVIL GENIUS
"Of course it's plugged in, I'm an evil genius with an IQ of 187, I was running my first international terror organisation whilst I was still in secondary school, I command an army of 2000 brainwashed henchmen, do you really think I'd forget to plug it in?"

TRACY
"Is it switched on at the mains?"

EVIL GENIUS
"Yes. Look I've set it up exactly as it says in the instructions, it's turned on and powered up. I've even had the welcome message on the LCD display 'Acme Weapons of Mass Destruction – Dissecting People', it's just not as terrifying and powerful as it should be. I want targets to spontaneously combust not get a healthy tan!"

TRACY
"Have you altered the heat setting?"

EVIL GENIUS
"Erm…no, how do I do that?"

TRACY
"Well there should be a 'Destruction Level Indicator' on the side, can you see that?"

EVIL GENIUS
"Yes"

TRACY
"What is it currently set to?"

EVIL GENIUS
"Lightly toasted"

TRACY
"Aaah well you see, that's your problem, it's still on the factory default setting. You need to turn it up to one of the higher levels"

EVIL GENIUS
"How about 'Supernova'? Would that be suitable for dispatching double O rated secret agents? Or should I crank it up to 'Super Bastard Hot'?"

TRACY
"Well sir, personally most of our customers have given us feedback that "Vindaloo" gives the best operating cost to lethality ratio"

EVIL GENIUS
"Okay, well thank you very much for your help"

TRACY
"You're welcome Dr No, is there anything else I can help you with today?"

*Sounds of gunfire*

EVIL GENIUS
"No thanks…ah Mr Bond, I've been expecting you…."

THE END

Alternate ending: the next caller is Bond, having trouble with his laser pen or summingk.

Very good. Enjoyed both this and your earlier post - some really funny dialogue.

I must have missed this when first posted. Very enjoyable.

This was really good. I quite enjoyed it. If you read the No, No?, Yes, Yes, No, No bit out loud its quite funny. Some good little jokes in there as well.

Thanks for the comments, this is still sitting in my "Things to do something with" folder on my laptop, good to know that it's got some merit though.

I like this alot nice pace and some good gags (I also did the dr no gp gag). But I think you haven't got quite the ridiculousness of the filmic weapon.

E.g. only works with a massive count down or has a vital part hidden ina bond girls knickers

Yeah, this is a great idea and well-executed (ba boom boom). I reckon the long lines are a bit too long; they may be better coming as results from questions to break them up a bit.

Like Sooty's massive count down idea. No idea how you can get that in, but if you could, the sense of urgency built would benefit. Also, if James Bond was getting closer and closer and Dr. No's responses are getting more and more urgent I think it would only add to an already-very-good sketch.

Great ending too!

Nice one!

Dan

Cheers guys, I may give it a bit of a tweak when I get a chance.