Hello all.
I don't post much, as I do most of my lurking at work and there's a ban on actual posting at our place. But I've finally got round to breaking radio-silence and spurred on by Ponderer's submission I figured it might be useful to post my (and my writing-partner Simon's) sitcom 'The Spy who wrapped up Warm', which made it to the heats of this years Sitcom Trials but no further.
Having watched it performed I was amazed at how well the director and actor coped with something I now realise was an extremely difficult script to stage. If I'd been to the Sitcom Trials before I'd write it quite differently, so there you go - it's very useful to go to at least one performance. Fun too.
Obviously people are welcome to offer criticisms of the humour and stuff, but I thought I'd kick things off with a few of my own criticisms, as some may prove useful to anyone entering the Sitcommision:-
1 - There was way too much plot for 13 minutes! Watching it performed I could see how hard it was for the actors to get the jokes in and move on to the next sequence. They did a great job, but we could have made it easier for them.
2 - There was too many action bits that weren't always visible to all of the audience. Visual humour's not funny if you can't see it.
3 - There were too many jokes that relied on a particular intonation that we envisaged when we wrote a line. Simon told me something useful - never write a line with a funny voice in your head because the actor's voice may be entirely different to how you intend it. Wise words - which of course we ignored and wrote lines like that anyway ;-). Yeah, thanks Yoda!
4 - We had 7 characters. What the hell were we thinking!
Of course there were almost certainly other deficiencies in terms of the jokes and whatnot - though I will not apologise for childish nob-gags! Still, I think the above are useful things to bear in mind when writing for this type of competition.
Anyway, here it is.
Cheers, Jim.
1 INT. RECEPTION - GOLDEN SLUMBERS SPY OFFICES. DAY.
OLIVER STEEL (30's. Union-Jack underpants, white shirt,
bow-tie and shoulder-holster) perches on a desk, boasting
of his spying exploits to Q (Female, 30's, glasses). Q is
trying to work.
STEEL
So I shot the double-agent
bastard in the head then popped
into the bedroom to give the
delectable red-head a good seeing
to.
Q
Who's that his brother?
STEEL
No, his wife. Why would you think
it was his brother?
Q
No reason.
Steel tries a patented 'quip'.
STEEL
You might say he tasted my lead,
and she tasted my...knob.
Q
You might, but it'd be weird.
Nice pants by the way...
STEEL:
Actually that's a funny story.
Involves the head of the
Columbian drugs cartel, a donkey
and a Russian automatic rifle.
What happened is...
Q:
I'm busy, Steel.
STEEL:
You sure? There's great quip at
the end.
Q:
(SIGHS) Go on.
STEEL
You might say...I ended up with
finest Columbian all over my
chinos!
Q:
Meh.
STEEL
Oh forget it! Anyway Ice Queen -
when are you going to let down
that hair, take off those glasses
and let me show you what I showed
the red-head?
Q
You know I'd need my glasses for
something that small. Anyway, I'm
not your type.
STEEL
How do you know my type?
Q looks him square in the face.
Q
Do you think I'm sexy, Oliver?
STEEL
You're ok. I mean...not bad...
She takes a plastic moustache from a drawer and places it
above her top lip. Steel is suddenly very turned-on.
STEEL
My God - you're gorgeous!
She removes the moustache
Q
You see?
STEEL
Nope, don't get it. Anyway - M's
been in there ages - who's she
briefing? Another new recruit, I
noticed a rather well dressed
chap in the toilet earlier...?
Q
It's the new Health & Safety
officer.
STEEL
The what?? We're national bloody
security for Chrissakes! We ride
danger like a frisky stallion!
Q
EU regulations.
Steel slams his fist into his hand Batman-like.
STEEL
Brussels! Curse those croissant
munching sausage spoilers! First
they ban whale torture and now
this!
Q:
They don't all eat croissants.
And as for whale torture - they
simply recognised it as an
immoral, sadistic and extremely
nasty activity undertaken by sad,
vindictive sociopaths.
STEEL
Maybe, but it got me out of the
house on weekends. Anyway, this
is all ridiculous - we don't even
officially exist!
Q
Which makes it tricky to lodge a
formal complaint.
STEEL
Damn, trapped by a cocktail of
bureaucracy and plausible
deniability. All I can say is,
any Safety nonce comes near me
and he's going have a deadly
encounter with my ring!
Q:
Your what???
Steel shows her his cygnet ring.
STEEL
The cygnet ring you designed -
you know, squirts sulphuric acid.
Q
Oh that. Nah, that's from a
cracker. Put acid in that and
your finger would burn off.
STEEL
Well that's just bloody
fantastic.
Steel leaves in a huff
Q
(TO HERSELF, RESIGNEDLY) Agents: all mouth, no trousers.
2 INT. M'S OFFICE. DAY.
M (50s, seemingly amiable old bird) sits at her desk
opposite COLIN (Geeky, Big-hair, Specs). Colin holds a cup
of tea.
M
I must say we're jolly excited
about having our first Health &
Safety officer, Colin. I'm
personally a huge fan of the
whole safety...oeuvre. Tea ok?
COLIN
I can't say just yet, I'm waiting
for it to achieve optimum safe
temperature of 65 degrees
celsius.
He takes a thermometer out of the tea. Checking the
reading, he nods and takes a sip.
M
I can see you take your job very
seriously.
COLIN:
Oh yes, Health & Safety's what
separates us from the animals.
M:
Err, you think?
COLIN:
Absolutely! Cormorants diving
into the sea without checking the
depth of the water first. Gibbons
leaping about in treetops without
harnesses or safety nets! The
animal kingdom's insane! If I
ever met a Gibbon I'd have
something to say, I can tell you.
My motto is 'Health & Safety' is
evolution perfected!
M
Quite.
COLIN:
The agency told me this was
a civil service department, but
I'm a bit unclear - what exactly
do you do here at Golden
Slumbers?
M:
Well...
Phone rings.
M
...excuse me. (To phone) M.
CORNERSTONE
('Arnie' voice)
Cornerstone here.
M
Report, Cornerstone.
CORNERSTONE
Dragonara has blown her man.
M:
Excellent - she seduced the enemy
agent?
CORNERSTONE:
No, I meant she's blown the
assignment. Though I now
realise my earlier statement may
have been confusing.
M
Well that's her last chance - I
want her erased, you hear??
(Slow and very menacing)
With extreme prejudice!
(Suddenly jolly again)
Love to Helga and the kids.
She replaces the handset.
COLIN
I couldn't help but overhear the
word 'prejudice' there. I hope
this organisation isn't in any
way racist?
M
Absolutely not, at Golden
Slumbers we have contracts on
people of all races and creeds.
In fact we prefer foreign
contracts.
COLIN
Did you say contracts on people?
Q knocks and enters.
M
Ah, Q perfect timing. Can you
sort young Colin out with his ID
and a 'Licence to Hurt'.
M leaves.
COLIN
'Licence to Hurt'?
Q
It means you can legally slap
people about a bit. You don't
get a 'licence to kill' till
after your probation.
COLIN:
You're kidding, of course?
Q
Of course...you'll probably get
it by Tuesday. Didn't M tell you
all this?
COLIN
I assumed it was a joke.
Q
M doesn't joke. She used to quip
but one time she quipped
prematurely and her target
escaped.
Steel storms in.
STEEL
So, this is the little killjoy,
eh?
Colin offers his hand.
COLIN
The name's Spatula - Colin
Spatula. Ensuring your safety.
Steel speaks with words filled with hate.
STEEL
Well Colin, if you want to ensure
your own safety I suggest you
stay out of my way.
COLIN
Is that a threat?
STEEL
No, this is a threat - I can
think of 12 ways to kill you
right now!
Colin finds the resolve to reply...
COLIN
Well I can spot 13 infractions of
Health & Safety guidelines on you
right now. Starting with the
proximity of your testicles to my
tea.
STEEL
Just keep out of my way,
buttercup!
COLIN
I'll be writing a report on this
incident - you mark my words!
STEEL
Feel free - here, you can use my
pen.
Steel storms out.
Q
Don't worry Colin, it's your
first day. You should ask Steel
about his sometime.
COLIN
I think I'll be asking him about
where his trousers are first. Now
if you'll excuse me I have a
report to file.
Colin takes out his clipboard and prepares to write.
Q
Err, be careful with that pen.
COLIN
Very wise - ballpoint-related
injuries rose 15% in the last
quarter.
Q:
It's also a hand-launched nuclear
missile.
Colin wails in shock, juggles it madly, then drops it. Q
retrieves it and hands it to him.
Q:
And as with all nuclear
devices it's best not to drop
it.
M pops her head round the door.
M
A word please Q.
Q:
You've identified him?
M
Yes.
Q
I'll be back in a moment, Colin.
She exits, just as the phone on her desk rings. Seeing
no-one else around, Colin answers it.
COLIN
M's phone. Spatula speaking.
CORNERSTONE
(Via Phone)
This is Cornerstone.
COLIN
M's not here right now - can I
take a message?
He picks up the nuclear pen very gingerly, then drops it
again.
CORNERSTONE
Tell her the new Tazer gloves are
very effective. My target has
been erased.
COLIN
(still writing)
Tazer gloves...? What do you mean
- erased?
CORNERSTONE
She's dead.
COLIN
My God, are you sure?
CORNERSTONE
Good point.
A very loud bang is heard over the phone.
CORNERSTONE
Ja, now I'm sure. Heading in now.
Put the kettle on, two sugars.
Colin puts the phone down with a horrified expression. Q
reappears.
COLIN:
Miss Q, I'm afraid I have
discovered something truly
diabolical about this
organisation!
Q:
Really? What?
Colin grabs a Toblerone from the desk.
COLIN:
Toblerone! THE most dangerous
sweet available for consumption
in the UK, with a danger rating
of 8.64! Food was never meant to
be triangular! When did you last
run a confectionary threat
evaluation?
She takes it.
Q
Calm down Colin, I'll get rid of
it!
She throws it away.
Q
So how did you get into all this
safety business anyway?
He gazes upwards, lost in memory.
COLIN
Ten years ago, my father went to
the newsagent for a Daily Mail
and a small box of paracetamol.
It had been raining. As he left
the shop he failed to notice an
empty crisp packet left by the
door. He slipped on it and...
Q
He died?
COLIN:
No, but he was very badly
startled. Actually, he died
several years later when he was
COLIN:
sucked into an jet engine and
ripped to shreds.
Q
I imagine he was pretty startled
by that too...
COLIN
Very briefly. His death still
haunts me; every day I see him;
arms flailing, screaming; a
slightly surprised look on his
face
Q
Painful memories?
COLIN
No, the airline were kind enough
to send me the footage on DVD.
A little old lady dressed in a cleaner's uniform enters,
smiles sweetly and starts mopping.
COLIN
You see, what all Health & Safety
officers understand is how
incredibly fragile human life is.
How vital it is to protect it and
prevent that oh-so-precious spark
from being extinguis...
Steel suddenly appears, slamming a karate blow into the
old lady's neck, knocking her to the floor. He does a
quick 'neck-break' on her prone form.
STEEL
Don't mind me.
Steel strolls off. Colin falls to the floor in a faint. Q
rushes to him.
Fade to darkness for a few seconds and then the call
'Co-lin! Cooooo-liiiinnn!'
3. INT. COLIN'S VISION
The Spirit of Health and Safety - a short woman in a white
gown and huge sunglasses glides in
SPIRIT OF HEALTH & SAFETY
Colin!!
COLIN
Are...you the Angel of Death?
SPIRIT OF HEALTH & SAFETY
No Colin, I'm the Spirit of
Health & Safety!!
COLIN
Thank God! Guide me Spirit - I'm
out of my depth. Article 5-92 of
the Health and Safety at Work Act
1974 doesn't cover any of this
SPIRIT OF HEALTH & SAFETY
Trust in yourself Colin, you know
the dangers of non-compliant
environments all too well.
Remember, where's there's blame,
there's a claim! Where there's
blame, there's a claim!
The spirit glides backwards.
4 INT. Q'S OFFICE GOLDEN SLUMBERS. DAY
M appears, to find Q fanning Colin.
M
Deary me - Colin ok?
Q
He's had a bit of a shock. Colin?
Colin?
COLIN
(Muttering)
Where there's blame there's a
claim, where there's blame...
He comes round.
COLIN
...where am I? Aaargh, murder!
M
I'm sorry Colin, but that old
lady was an assassin working for
a ruthless megalomaniac called
Coppertongue who's killed more of
our agents than alcohol and STDs
combined.
COLIN
You can't just kill people...in
an office!
M
You're going to have to toughen
up Spatula. We're all that stands
between the good people of
Britain and vicious psychopaths
like this!
While M is talking Q examines the body.
Q
Oh damn, there's no tattoo - or
weapon. Bloody Steel's killed
another cleaning lady! The
temping agency are going to be
furious. Well, bagsy not ringing
them this time!
COLIN
This has happened before??? I
can't work in a place like this!
I quit!
M
Impossible. You know too much. If
you were to leave I'd have no
option but to have you erased...
(Very slow and menacing)
...with prejudice bordering on
bigotry.
(Suddenly jolly again)
Got to dash - taking my niece to
Pizza Hut.
She exits.
5 INT. COFFEE LOUNGE. DAY.
Steel enters and sees another agent - AGENT ROCK (30s, big
moustache, suave).
STEEL
Well hello! Haven't seen you
around here before.
They shake hands...holding it a tad longer than necessary.
STEEL
Oliver Steel.
ROCK
Peregrine Rock.
STEEL
Hey, fabulous name! You an agent?
ROCK
Yes, I'm 0-ten.
STEEL
Ah, I wondered what would happen
when they got past Double-0-nine.
ROCK
Yes, they were gonna start a
colour-based system - 'agent
red', 'agent blue' and so on. But
they realised they'd run out of
primary colours pretty quick and
be left with 'agent cerise' and
'agent aquamarine'...
Steel laughs, staring dreamily into Agent Rock's eyes.
STEEL
Ridiculous...
But then he considers...
STEEL
...although, 'agent aquamarine'
kind of goes with your eyes...
Steel's moved really close now.
ROCK
You're not wearing trousers...I
like that.
STEEL:
Yes. In fact you might say I,
erm...(can't think of one)
ROCK:
Yes?
STEEL
No, can't think of a quip. Sorry.
ROCK:
Don't worry, happens to the best
of us. So I expect you've done
all the agent stuff? The
preparation, infiltration...
STEEL
...Penetration. I've done my
share. Great being an agent isn't
it?
ROCK
It's so cool! I love the 'Licence
to Kill.'
STEEL
The 'Licence to Kill' is a
godsend! Especially for parking.
ROCK
Parking??
STEEL
Yeah, you know - Oxford Street -
shopping hell. Can't find the
right change, a warden appears,
and you're like...what do I do??
I know - whack!! What's that
officer? Murder? Sorry, got a
licence.
They laugh. Steel's almost got his tongue down Rock's
throat when Q enters.
M
Steel!!
Steel recovers quickly.
STEEL
And that, 0-ten, is how to give
mouth-to-mouth when someone's
upright and conscious.
Q sighs and shakes her head.
M
It's time for Colin's Health and
Safety talk. Steel, you're
required to attend.
STEEL
Christ! (To Rock) I hope we get
the chance to work together one
day.
ROCK:
I hope so too.
They share a lingering moment.
6 INT. RECEPTION - GOLDEN SLUMBERS SPY OFFICES. DAY.
M, Q, and Steel sit listening to Colin's presentation.
COLIN
...so I said to the foreman - 'I
think you'll find that was EU
Directive 391b, not 391c'
(CHUCKLING) That shut him
up. Anyway, enough with the
COLIN
jokes. My job is to make your
lives safer. Can anyone tell me
what's the most dangerous thing
in this office?
STEEL
Me?
M:
My bra doubles as a
flame-thrower.
Q
My tits actually double as...
COLIN
No! Actually, it's...
He flips another page to reveal an enlarged photo of his
own face, smiling contentedly.
COLIN:
Complacency! That surprised
you, didn't it? A metaphor. And
what do we use to fight
complacency?
M:
My bra?
STEEL:
The biro?
Q:
My ti...
COLIN:
No...!
He drops a very thick, heavy book loudly on the desk.
COLIN:
'Jessops UK Health and Safety Law
2009'. A cracking read - I advise
you to dip in if you get the
chance.
STEEL:
Oh for f....I can't handle this
Health & Safety nonsense any
longer!
COLIN:
It's not nonsense Steel; This is
the truth - you can't handle the
truth!
STEEL rushes up to Colin and is about to punch him
M
Steel, no!
Steel stops himself at the last minute. Instead he removes
Colins glasses, throws them across the room. Colin
frantically searches for them to no avail.He squints.
COLIN:
My glasses! You're just lucky I
don't need to operate heavy
machinery right now! You think
you're better than me? Just
because you're handsome and buff
and good at fighting?
STEEL:
You've just answered your own
question.
COLIN
Yeah? Well answer this!
He swings wildly at Steel, but as he's 8 feet away he
misses by a mile and flops heavily to the floor. Steel
walks off, chuckling. M follows to remonstrate with him.
Q:
Colin, are you ok?
She helps him to his feet and hands him his glasses.
COLIN
What have I done? I attacked a
co-worker!
Q:
I think he'll live.
COLIN
But I violated Health & Safety at
Work section 49, sub-clause 12a!
I've become everything I hate.
Colin suddenly takes on a look of intense emotion, then as
if in a West-End musical he sings...
COLIN
Once upon a time, Safety was my
watchword...Owww!
Q has just slapped him hard.
Q:
This isn't f**king Ali McBeal!
Look, don't let Steel get to you.
Fight back!
She exits, leaving Colin to his thoughts.
COLIN
But how do I defeat a trained
killer using only caution and a
fastidious attention to detail?
Spirit of Health & Safety glides in.
SPIRIT OF HEALTH & SAFETY
Colin, remember your
training...use Jessops!
COLIN
But what section? It's a bloody
big book.
SPIRIT OF HEALTH & SAFETY
When he's not looking smack him
over the head with it!
COLIN
How's that a proper use of Health
and Safety legislation???
SPIRIT OF HEALTH & SAFETY
What do you want from me?? I'm
just proof you've still got
concussion.
The Spirit exits, just as Cornerstone staggers in,
wounded.
CORNERSTONE
Aaargh, I've been shot!
COLIN
Oh my God!!! Let me get you a
form!
Colin rustles about in his man-purse.
CORNERSTONE
No time. Golden
Slumbers...infiltrated by...
COLIN
By what?? Is it complacency?
CORNERSTONE
No! Infiltrated by...
COLIN
Not another cleaning lady?
CORNERSTONE
No...! Infiltrated by a mole.
COLIN
A mole? Wait, I have a number on
my phone for accredited
exterminators...?
M, Steel and Q enter to see Colin leaning over
Cornerstone.
CORNERSTONE
The mole is....!!!
Cornerstone grabs onto Colin, then expires. Suddenly all
eyes are on Colin...
END OF PART ONE.
FINALE.
7 INT. RECEPTION - GOLDEN SLUMBERS SPY OFFICES. DAY.
Colin is tied to a chair facing Steel his face is bruised.
Both are dressed only in their underpants. Steel punches
him a couple of times.
STEEL
Who do you work for Buttercup??
COLIN
No-one, I'm here to make the
workplace safer - is that so
wrong??
STEEL
Yes it is. I'm going for a slash,
then I'm coming back to slap you
some more.
His parting shot before leaving...
STEEL
I may wash my hands...I may not.
The Spirit of Health & Safety glides in and speaks in a
spooky voice, taking the dazed Colin by surprise...
SPIRIT OF HEALTH & SAFETY
Colin....! Colin!
COLIN
Smegma!
SPIRIT OF HEALTH & SAFETY
Get a grip man! Remember - first
day's are always tricky. (FADING
AS SHE GLIDES OFF) First
days...first days...first days...
COLIN
First days...?
Steel returns.
STEEL
Ready for round 2?
COLIN
Do you expect me to talk, Steel?
STEEL
No, buttercup - I expect you to
cry. So you have to ask yourself
- did I wash these fellas or
didn't I? Do you feel lucky?
He starts posturing around Colin - waving his hands close
to Colin's face.
COLIN
This is my first day Steel -
surely you must remember how that
is?
STEEL
My...first day...?
(He loses himself in memory)
Yes...I remember. I was in a cafe
when a young chap came over and
asked if he could borrow my
sugar. A handsome chap. Very
clean. He sat down and started
chatting, but for some reason I
couldn't think of anything to say
- why do you think that might be?
COLIN
Any number of reasons.
STEEL
I got flustered and embarrassed.
I felt my face getting redder and
redder. It was awful.
COLIN
What did you do?
STEEL
I stabbed him in the neck with
the butter knife.
COLIN
What???
STEEL
Luckily, M saw the whole thing,
decided I was a natural and
recruited me to Golden Slumbers.
COLIN
You killed a man to get out of an
awkward gap in the conversation??
STEEL
It was really embarrassing!
Anyway, I think it's time I got
rid of you too!
He snaps out some wire flex cable and moves menacingly on
Colin. Just then, Q enters with M.
M
Stand down Steel. Rock
here's the real mole.
Q drags in agent Peregrine Rock.
STEEL
What??? You're insane - it
couldn't possibly be...I mean
just look at him.
Q
He's part of a 'Honeytrap' sting
set up by Coppertongue.
STEEL
Ingenious. Who for exactly?
Q and M glance at each other, and shake their heads.
Then M speaks to Rock, menacingly.
M
And as for you, little mole - try
and dig your way out of this
hole.
Q and Steel congratulate M on her quip!They fail to notice
that Rock has grabbed a toblerone from a table.
COLIN
Look out he's got a Toblerone!
ROCK
Back everyone, I'm not afraid to
use this!
Q
Do as he says (the other
characters are all bemused) -
it's actually a positron matter
disruptor.
Rock escapes backing out of the room
STEEL
Sooo M, another premature quip
there M?
M punches Steel in the face.
Q
Colin, let me untie you.
COLIN
Yes...and then get me the damn
confectionary threat evaluation
form!
END.