The Realm

INT. DAY. BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

THE QUEEN IS MEETING WITH A ROYAL ADVISER.

ADVISER:
The final item on the agenda Your Majesty, if you could bear with me for a little while longer, is regarding your realm.

QUEEN:
Yes, yes, what is it?

ADVISER:
There has been a marked decrease in the size of your kingdom, Your Majesty.

QUEEN:
Oh, we've finally got shot of Northern Ireland, have we?

ADVISER:
Unfortunately no, it appears coastal erosion is occurring at an alarming rate.

QUEEN:
Well, one wouldn't worry about that. It'll take millions of years.

ADVISER:
This is a man-made phenomenon Your Majesty. High powered offshore windmills are blowing away the coast.

QUEEN:
Windmills?

ADVISER:
I'm afraid so. They're sprouting up willy nilly around your entire shoreline. Our calculations suggest Great Britain will be the size of Scotland in ten years.

QUEEN:
What's going to happen after I die?

ADVISER:
Well, I'd imagine you'd decompose although I'd need to consult with the Royal Embalmer, Your Majesty.

QUEEN:
No, what's going to happen to my realm?

ADVISER:
By 2050, the complete subsidence of The United Kingdom will have occurred.

QUEEN:
And what of my subjects?

ADVISER:
It'll be a nation of barge dwellers, Your Majesty.

QUEEN:
I suppose my subjects will be able to play barge dodgems, bless them.

ADVISER:
Your eventual successor will inherit a watery kingdom, Your Majesty. May I be so bold as to offer a proposal?

QUEEN:
You may.

ADVISER:
Buy Charles a set of armbands, just in case.

This doesn't zing for me. It is quite long and all a bit one note, with those gags that do not follow directly from the original premise seemig to slow the sketch down. I think you need emphasise the looniness of the windmill idea. Perhaps when the advisor talks about coastal erosion being a man-made phenomenon have the Queen assume he is talking about global warming, and then have the advisor come out with his windmill theory, becoming increasingly excited - flailing his arms windmill fashion perhaps - as he expands on the consequences. I would have the Queen appearing to graciously humour the advisor, but have a sceptical third party in the room (Philip perhaps?). Then when the advisor has gone, have the Queen turn to the third party and give her the punchline. Something like:

PHILIP
Extraordinary fellow.

QUEEN
Quite. Though it wouldn't hurt to buy Charles a set of waterwings - just in case.

[I think 'waterwings' more of a comedy word than 'armbands', but it is a matter of personal taste.]

Thanks Timbo, that was a fair assessment.