Re-worked food agent sketch

I've heavily re-worked the first sketch I posted here (link: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/15554)). Trying to apply what I've learned thus far. Hopefully it's better, but might not be.

INT. A MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES SITS BEHIND A DESK. THE WALLS ARE ADORNED WITH FRAMED PHOTOS.THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND A BANANA WALKS INTO THE ROOM

JERRY:
Good to see you Darren. How's Business?

DARREN:
Could be better to be honest Jerry.

JERRY:
I could get you some juice work if you like. Couple of days a week in a carton?

DARREN:
I'm done with bit parts. It's not my fault they're a pain in the arse.
No Jerry, I want you to find me something big enough to beat Simon Winters.

JERRY:
Simon Winters?

DARREN:
Yes.

JERRY WALKS OVER TO A PICTURE OF DARREN AND JERRY EITHER SIDE OF AN APPLE (SIMON).THEY ARE WEARING LOUD SHIRTS AND SMOKING CIGARS.

JERRY:
This Simon Winters?

DARREN NODS

DARREN:
We can take it all back. re-live the good times, Remember the parties Jerry?
You, me, the oranges, the melon brothers...and sisters.

JERRY:
As it happens there's a reason I asked you here today. Had a chap in here this morning.

JERRY WALKS TO HIS DESK AND PULLS A FILE OUT OF THE DRAWER LAYS IT OPEN ON THE DESK. WE SEE FROM A PICTURE IN THE FILE THAT ROBERT IS A BAR OF TOFFEE

JERRY:
Robert Johns. Said he wanted to do a pie.

DARREN:
Pastry Jerry? at my age?

JERRY:
Nonsense Darrren. Anyone for Banoffee Pie?

DARREN:
He's got most of the name Jerry. What's it in for me?

JERRY:
Cash, Darren. Seventy Thirty split. Who would have thought it? Sticky and Bendy together in a pie.

DARREN NODS AND JERRY PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER. HE AND DARREN LOOK CONFIDENTLY AT EACH OTHER WHILE THEY WAIT FOR AN ANSWER

JERRY:
Robert? It's Jerry here...Yes...that's right. Listen, I've got Darren with me and I've told him about the pie and I must say he's very excited...That's right, so why don't you come down and we can see about getting the ball rolling.

JERRY'S VOICE TURNS TO ONE OF SUPPRESSED ANNOYANCE.

Mr Winters, yes, I believe I've heard of him yes... Yes I know you wanted to move from fillings but this is...well this is from one extreme to another...
Did he now?..Well that sounds very generous but what about the name? With us you've got most of the...I see...The front as well huh...Okay but I think you're making the wrong decision...Okay Thank you Robert. Goodbye.

JERRY SLOWLY PUTS DOWN THE PHONE. AND TURNS TO DARREN

DARREN:
Newton Tappers, They're all the same.

JERRY:
He's everywhere. Pies, crumbles, sauces, tarts, salads, baked, stewed, raw, whole, in pieces. He helped discover gravity and he goes with Pork Darren.
Let me ask you this Darren. What do you go with?

END

You like the mad stuff I see! Green shoes, talking fruit!!!

Okay. To be blunt you lost me at the start. I couldn't really work out straight away who was the banana! I would make it clear at the start

INT. A MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES (JERRY) SITS BEHIND A DESK. THE WALLS ARE ADORNED WITH FRAMED PHOTOS.THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND A BANANA (DARREN) WALKS INTO THE ROOM

As I was lost, I got even more lost as I went through. After a re-read I'm still pretty much none the wiser.

When I first came onto the boards, a year past hence, the thing that everyone kept saying to me was trim, trim and then trim. Old Morrace kept bashing my head againist a wall about it. It took me a good six months at least to be able to do this - but I think it is a skill that you need to try.

You clearly have the funny in you, as we saw in the green shoe sketch, it's just chopping the stuff that goes around it.

Hope this helps.
BF

This is very entertaining, very intelligent and very funny.

From a practical viewpoint, though, I don't see how it could be done other than as a cartoon. I mean, when the audience see Darren, will they see him as a walking, talking banana or as a man dressed as a banana or what? Clearly, they'll see a man dressed as a banana and they won't understand that he's supposed to be a real walking talking banana.

Plotwise, there's a small problem in that Jerry at first says he has very little work to offer Darren but then says he's called him in for an important job. You can solve that by deleting the line:

"JERRY:
I could get you some juice work if you like. Couple of days a week in a carton?"

and running the previous speech more or less straight into the speech that follows.

Also, I have absolutely no idea what 'Newton Tappers' means.

All that having been said, however, it's still a quality sketch.

Your original was much funnier IMO. Roodeye also addresses a key point, how could it possibly be filmed/made? What were your original intentions regarding how it could/would be shot scratchyr?

Cheers for the comments. I suppose it is a little confusing. In a nutshell it's just a sketch about apples being used more than bananas. The banana (Darren) thinks he can make a come back with toffee (Robert) Banoffee pie only to have the apple (Simon) lure Robert away to make Toffee apples. Jerry is the agent.

Newton Tappers is a reference to Issac Newton discovering gravity after an apple fell on him. However, reading through I can see that the line I originally had earlier on to set this up is now in the last paragraph. My bad.

Gotchya about the plot problem. thanks for the eagle eyes on that.

Thanks BF & Roodeye.

Quote: The Giggle-o @ November 13 2009, 10:51 PM GMT

Your original was much funnier IMO. Roodeye also addresses a key point, how could it possibly be filmed/made? What were your original intentions regarding how it could/would be shot scratchyr?

View original

I suppose in my head it was just suits, shot in an office. Agree with the comment that that would add to the confusion but to be honest this is the first thing I wrote (about a 18 months ago, been sitting on my hard drive) and just using it to learn how to do this from a writing point of view.

I've already picked up on the practical considerations by reading other comments and so forth, so taking this into consideration from now on. I did wonder whether that could just be reps of the industry rather than actual fruit. But I do love funny suits.

The Giggle-o: Why did you think the original was funnier?

Quote: scratchyr @ October 30 2009, 8:24 PM GMT

FRUIT AGENT

A man sits behind a desk in an office. The walls are covered in framed pictures of himself with other people and fruit smiling at the camera or holding awards.

The intercom buzzes and a male voice can be heard.

CARTER: A Darren Banana to see you.

View original

For me the original got straight in to the swing of things with a 'Darren Banana' and the pics on the wall, whereas your new offering doesn't.

Quote: scratchyr @ October 30 2009, 8:24 PM GMT

DARREN: Couldn't have done it without you Jerry. And you Robert.

BRONSON: Who would have thought it? Sticky and Bendy, togeher. In a pie.

View original

This was my favourite line/section from the original and you've cut it.

Quote: scratchyr @ October 30 2009, 8:24 PM GMT

JERRY: Right. First thing Monday morning we unleash Banoffee hell. We'll have 2 mini Banoffee pies in a fancy carton, Banoffee milkshake, ice cream, yoghurt, Those little desserts in yoghurty type containers but aren't yoghurts. you know? little bit moussey, little bit puddingy?....

ROBERT: Like a trifle?

View original

Some people might say parts like this are too long but the way I am imagining your sketch is to be silly, overblown, OTT, fun and sentences like this, for me, heighten the sense of OTT-ness.

I hope this helps to explain why I feel the new version isn't as good Scratchyr.

The together in a pie line is still in there but spoken by Jerry.
I wanted to get rid of all the guff at the awards ceremony but wanted to keep the line as I always liked it and remembered that you thought it was good also. Definitely lost clarity though it seems.

Quote: scratchyr @ November 13 2009, 11:46 PM GMT

The together in a pie line is still in there but spoken by Jerry.
I wanted to get rid of all the guff at the awards ceremony but wanted to keep the line as I always liked it and remembered that you thought it was good also. Definitely lost clarity though it seems.

View original

BRONSON: Who'd have thought it? Sticky and bendy. In a pie!

Reads better than your revised version. Give it another go, try to stick with the overblown nature of the first one but then again 'the others' prefer Roodeye's greatly attenuated version, which is quite nice as a little reveal sketch but for me loses the OTT silliness of the original. Keep up the silly!

It's a great idea but the shock punches are too spaced apart and the intro is to self conciously weird for to long, to truly grip me.

I think if you made these a bit snappier they'd really sing.

Also Simon Winter eh?