Think Tank

SCENE 1. OFFICE - DAY

F/X:GENERAL OFFICE AMBIENCE

JENNIFERkay guys we've been given the unenviable task of re-branding the British Fuel Group as an eco-friendly, tree-kissing organisation, as opposed to a bloated, tar-spewing overlord. They've got the initials B.F.G. in their favour but what can we bring to the table? Dave, your thoughts?

DAVE: Jennifer, d'you think earwax is flammable?

JENNIFERerhaps we'll have less of your thoughts. (BEAT) Millicent, you don't have to raise your hand every time you need to go to the toilet, I thought we'd been through this.

MILLICENT:No, I have a suggestion.

JENNIFER:Wow; let's have it.

MILLICENT:I think that Dave should stop trying to set light to his ear.

JENNIFERsighs) How about you, Archie? What have you got?

ARCHIE: (croaks) I think it might be swine flu.

JENNIFER: Oh God, what do we do? Where's the procedures file? (sotto) Calm, blue waters… Calm, blue waters…

DAVE: I've got an idea.

JENNIFERoes it involve earwax?

DAVE: Er… yes.

JENNIFER:Then keep it to yourself. Yes, Millicent?

MILLICENToh, yes. I think Dave might be onto something.

JENNIFER:"Onto" something, or "on" something?

MILLICENTorry, "on" something.

JENNIFER:What about Tamiflu?

MILLICENT:No I don't think it's that. Dave, what are you on?

DAVE: Fire! I'm on Fire!!

JENNIFERsighs) Somebody get the water-cooler bottle.

END

Ok no punchline (again), these things are really important! And a clunky slow introduction with lots of people telling us stuff.

But the middle bit is very good, the ear wax, setting fire to ears stuff is neat and some nice pacy exchanges.

I think you do dialogue and character and even gags well. But you seem a little uncertain of your targets and so the sketches feel a bit vague. I'd say stick with trying to tell a complete story in minature.

I would pretty much echo Sootyj's comments. The earwax stuff is funny, but the sketch fails to follow through on the initial rebranding premise.

Thanks guys. I'll have a rethink and repost a new draft. Seems to me that the earwax stuff is the strongest material so I'll try and work more of tale around that, and ditch the marketing blurb which, to be honest, I'd just tacked on to try and sell it to RFTP.

I'll definitely be road testing my stuff for Newsjack here before I send it in in January.

I thought this was well written. Not really my cup of tea but nontheless was as solid as f**k. If you are going to get it on Newsjack you probably will need a puncline, however, I quite like Spike Milliganesque coolness of just not having one.

I know it is a long shot but is your second name also Pearson (i think that's the right spelling, apolgisies if I have got it wrong).

Thanks for the comment, Ronnie. I wasn't planning on sending it to Newsjack. I usually write stuff on a week by week basis for that and usually stick to one-liners. The sketches are just general ones that I wanted feedback on. Most people have honed in on the 'no punchline' issue, so I'll address that.

I'm working on characters for a possible radio sitcom at the mo as well, so I'll post a couple of scenes when I'm happy with them.

I liked it. Liked the dialogue. Not a massive fan of punchlines myself so that didn't bother me. Big Train and Monty Python didn't always have them and I dig them hugely.

Hi Greensville; I'm not huge on punchlines in sketches either. Strong punchlines in oneliners, of course. It's nice when you think of a good one though. I think punchlines help when there's an audience.

Okay; here's a revision: 17/11/2009

SCENE 1. OFFICE - DAY

F/X: GENERAL OFFICE AMBIENCE

JENNIFER: Okay guys, statistics show that attention spans are getting shorter. Dave, any solutions?

DAVE: D'you think earwax is flammable?

JENNIFER: That's not a solution; it's more of a solid.

MILLICENT: I have a suggestion.

JENNIFER: Yes Millicent.

MILLICENT: I think Dave should stop trying to set light to his ear.

JENNIFER: (sighs) How about you, Archie? What have you got?

ARCHIE: (croaks) I think it might be swine flu.

JENNIFER: Wonderful.

DAVE: I've got an idea.

JENNIFER: Does it involve earwax?

DAVE: Er… yes.

JENNIFER: Keep it to yourself. Yes, Millicent?

MILLICENT: Ooh, yes. I think Dave might be onto something.

JENNIFER: "Onto" something, or "on" something?

MILLICENT: Sorry, "on" something.

JENNIFER: What about Tamiflu?

MILLICENT: No I don't think it's that. Dave, what are you on?

DAVE: Fire! I'm on Fire!!

JENNIFER: Yes, that was true ten years ago. Now you're just fired.

END