MOUNTAINEER WRITING IN HIS DIARY BUT WORDS CAN BE HEARD ALOUD.
...Finally our expedition is about to come to fruition. After four years of preparation, two years of preparing and a year of preparation we have assembled a team worthy of the challenge.
A team that can achieve the hitherto unattainable. A team, lead by me we can now begin our surmountable journey.
We accept natures challenge and we, but especially me Alfred Biggleton will be the first person to swim Mount Everest!
I feel I must save a few words for my assistant Thompson Worthing without whom much of my preparation was possible.
He did, however front the recruitment for the expedition. What an interesting exchange we had the day he came into my study and went through the team we had assembled.
CUT TO ALFRED BIGGLETONS STUDY.
BIGGLETON:
Ah Thompson, my loyal and most trusted companion. Take a seat. Preparations are well underway. Everest is quite a swim but we now have all the equipment needed. I have looked into this and believe it or not swimming solid water is not as easy as it might look but with the right team behind us I'm sure we will have no problems.
I assume you've got everyone we need. I'll go through the list just to be sure.
James Flump?
THOMPSON:
Oh he actually can't come. He's got a cold.
BIGGLETON:
Tim Foley?
THOMPSON:
He's not available either. He's getting married.
BIGGLETON:
DR. Smith?
THOMPSON:
He got shot.
BIGGLETON:
Dr. Susan?
THOMPSON:
She shot him.
BIGGLETON:
This is ridiculous. Sharpey?
THOMPSON:
No.
BIGGLETON:
Arthur Sweep?
THOMPSON:
He can't make it..... but his pet swan is taking his place.
BIGGLETON:
Christ! Peter Wilt?
THOMPSON:
A moth ate all his toenails.
BIGGLETON:
Mickey Lamb, the great global explorer?
THOMPSON:
He had a falling out with some stationary.
BIGGLETON:
What the hell does that even mean?
THOMPSON:
Well by falling out...it was more of a falling in. He fell into a pencilcase and now we can't find him sir.
BIGGLETON:
Heavens above! Is there anyone going? Felix Mink?
THOMPSON:
Never got the letter.
BIGGLETON:
Desert Fox?
THOMPSON:
Snowed in.
BIGGLETON:
Steve Kite?
THOMPSON:
Not in the mood.
BIGGLETON:
Thompson, this is crazy. I am now beginning to fear for our whole expedition. Who have we got? Who are our certs?
THOMPSON:
Certs, certs, certs...Peter Waste, the handlers, Foal Anthony, Nicky English, The Carriers, Hum Gurung, Nurse June, Vatican Seamus.
BIGGLETON:
Great, they are all certs.
THOMPSON:
Indeed. These are our definites. They're all definitely not going.
BIGGLETON:
Not going, *not* going?! So we have you me and Arthur Sweeps swan? Ahem..not to worry, not to worry chaps.
WE SEE THOMPSON AND THE SWAN SITTING AT BIGGLETONS DESK AS BIGGLETON BRIEFS THEM ON THE MISSION.
BIGGLETON:
Actually 3 fits nicely in to what we are attempting as this is the first step of 3 to swim all major natural phenomena on all 3 continents.
Step 1: On the continent of Nepal we swim Everest.
Step 2: In Africa we will then swim the Sahara.
Step 3: In Sydney we will swim the Sydney Opera House...and in the process conquer all 3 continents.
THOMPSON AND THE SWAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER CONFUSED.
THOMPSON:
Sir I think you are mistaken. Nepal and Sydney are not contin....
INTERRUPTING:
BIGGLETON:
Now you may be asking yourself why are we swimming Everest instead of the more traditional method of climbing the thing. Well there are 3 reasons.
Reason 1; for the noteriety. Climbing it is old hat. It a new challenge, its never been done..
Reason 2: To avoid the Shoogaloo. Any ques...
THOMPSON:
The what sir?
BIGGLETON:
The Shoogaloo. Ancient Nepalese tales dating back hundreds of years never mention it but I know better.
Its a vicious creature that must be avoided at all costs.
I-it's about 9foot tall with long hair like a hippy. Some say he stands up on just 2 legs. He's got the neck of a horse but the knees of a deer. He has the chin of a fox and the arms of some kind of man.
Others say he has narrow beady eyes and that his hair is nice. He...some say when you look directly into his face he will kind of look back at you. He is said to believe you when you tell him things and that he will only eat food.
He knows the way to Curry's and...
THOMPSON:
This is f**king ridiculous!
HE WALKS OUT.
BIGGLETON SHOUTS AFTER HIM.
BIGGLETON:
Where are you going? This is the brief. Thompson! Thompson! Is it the Shoogaloo? I scared you didnt I? His hair isnt that nice...Fine go, we don't need you.....................
Wait your my loyal companion. You always stick with me. Thompson, Thompson!! Okay go! You have no loyalty. I take it all back your unloyal aaand disloyal. You don't see the swan leaving.
The swan, a swan has more loyalty than you. How does that make you feel? A stupid swan! We don't need you!!
HE TURNS BACK TO THE SWAN.
Ok swan its just you and me. The next thing we need to do...
HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AND WE CAN SEE THE SWAN FLYING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.
END.
