There was brief talk at the University I go to that we would put on a little Christmas-based sketch show. This fell through but I quite like some of the sketches I came up with so there's a few here (some good, some not so I think). Any comments/criticisms/requests for sexual favours for cash most welcome (but I don't do anal). Er, yeah.
INT. A SMALL BASEMENT WORKSHOP. TWO ELVES ARE WRAPPING UP PRESENTS.
THE SOUND OF TWO PEOPLE HAVING SEX FILTERS THROUGH TO THE ROOM, BUT ONLY FOR A FEW SECONDS.
Elf 1 (gesturing upstairs): Looks like Christmas has come early this year.
INT. AN OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS IN PROCESS. A MAN WORKS HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWD TO THE BACK OF A QUEUE HEADING OFFSTAGE. A WOMAN IN FRONT OF HIM IS UNDOING HER TROUSERS.
MAN: Er, sorry - is this the queue for the toilets?
WOMAN: No, this is the queue for the photocopier.
THE WOMAN DISAPPEARS OFFSTAGE, JUST AS A DRUNK MAN WALKS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION, CHEERING AND DISTRIBUTING NEWLY MADE PHOTOCOPIES.
INT. LIVING ROOM.
A MAN ENTERS, CARRYING SEVERAL HEAVY BAGS AND PUSHING A BABY IN A PRAM.
MAN (putting the shopping bags down, and shouting to someone offstage): Honey, I found what we were looking for! It took me a while, but I think Matt and Stacey will love it!
WOMAN (shouting from offstage): Oh honey, well done! That's the last of our Christmas shopping done!
THE WOMAN ENTERS, LOOKING VERY HAPPY.
WOMAN: Oh it's wonderful!
THE WOMAN WALKS UP TO THE PRAM, AND LOOKS AT THE BABY INSIDE.
WOMAN: Great choice darling! She's so cute, look at her little face! Where did you get her?
MAN: Primark. Left outside the changing rooms. Couldn't believe my luck!
WOMAN: Oh she's just gorgeous. Matt and Stacey will be delighted! Tell you what, I'll pop her under the tree with the other presents.
THE WOMAN CARRIES THE BABY OFFSTAGE, AS SHE EXITS WE HEAR THE SOUND OF MANY MORE CRYING CHILDREN.
INT. A MOTHER AND FATHER ARE TALKING TO THEIR YOUNG SON.
FATHER: Son, your mother and I want to talk to you about…well, about what you saw last night.
SON: Okay…
MOTHER: You see, me and your Father, we were up late playing 'Santa Claus', that's why Mummy was sitting on Daddy's lap…
SON: Oh that's what it was!
FATHER: See, perfectly harmless fun.
SON: Is that why you said you had a big sack, filled just for Mummy?
FATHER: Yes, that's exactly why…
SON: And is that why Mummy was dressed like an Elf?
FATHER: Yes, that is why Mummy was dressed like an Elf.
SON: Is that why she said you only come once a year?
FATHER (shocked): Well, I…
SON: Is that why the dog was wearing antlers?
MOTHER: We had to make it a convincing game, you see.
SON: But Daddy…
FATHER: Yes son?
SON: Santa Claus doesn't wear leather.
MOTHER (laughs): Well he's got you there.
SON: Mummy, is this like the time you played Wheelbarrow racing with the gardener?
MOTHER (looks worried): Erm… I don't know what you mean…
SON: I may be young but I'm not stupid. You're not getting any presents from Santa this year, you naughty girl!
END.
INT. LIVING ROOM. A BOY (STEVEN) IS SITTING ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO A SLEEPING DOG IN A BASKET. HIS MOTHER AND FATHER ARE IN THE ROOM.
BOY: Daddy, I'm bored of Archie now.
FATHER: Bored of Archie? Come on Steven, we've only had him a week. You promised this wouldn't happen again this year.
BOY (shrugging his shoulders): But I don't want him anymore.
FATHER: But you know what we have to do now…
THE DAD LOOKS AT THE MOTHER, WHO LEAVES THE ROOM.
FATHER: Archie will have to go to the farm. Same as Rosie and Kenny, remember them?
BOY: He'll have lots of friends to play with then.
FATHER: Okay. Well, if that's how you feel. It's past your bedtime, go on son, off to bed.
THE BOY EXITS. THE MUM COMES BACK ONSTAGE, CARRYING A BLACK SACK. THEY BOTH STAND, LOOKING DOWN AT THE DOG BASKET.
FATHER: I think we might need a bigger sack. Here, pass me the yellow pages.
THE MOTHER PICKS UP A COPY OF THE YELLOW PAGES AND GIVES IT TO THE FATHER. HE STARTS HITTING IT AGAINST HIS HAND, SUGGESTIVELY.
FATHER: These floorboards do clean pretty easy, right?
MOTHER: Yeah.
FATHER: Remember the mess Rosie made?
MOTHER: God, yeah! All up the walls as well! No I just wiped it right up.
FATHER: Good. (pause) This doesn't get easier every year.
THE FATHER RAISES THE YELLOW PAGES ABOVE HIS HEAD, AND THE LIGHTS GO OUT. THERE IS AN ALMIGHTY THUD. THE LIGHTS STAY DARK.
FATHER: We'll get Steven a rabbit at Easter. That'll cheer him up.
END.
INT. A BOY IS LYING ON THE FLOOR. HIS PARENTS ARE STANDING IN THE CORNER, DISCUSSING SOMETHING QUIETLY.
FATHER: I can't tell him! He'll be heartbroken.
MOTHER: Well one of us has to do it! The simple truth is that we just can't afford Christmas year. I told him last year, so this year it's your turn.
THE MOTHER LEAVES THE ROOM. THE FATHER WALKS OVER TO THE BOY.
FATHER: Son, I've got some bad news. I'm afraid we won't be getting any presents for Christmas this year.
BOY: Why?
FATHER: Well, Son, if you want the truth… (he looks around to check the Mother isn't in the room) …it's the Elves' fault. See, they've gone on strike. Something about poor working conditions and a dispute over pay.
THE MOTHER COUGHS LOUDLY FROM OFFSTAGE.
FATHER: Okay, okay… it isn't the Elves. It's the Reindeer. They're spreading E.coli in children, they've had to be put down.
BOY: Even Rudolph?
FATHER: Yes son, even Rudolph. Remember his red nose? It was actually swine flu. He never stood a chance.
THE BOY BEGINS TO SOB.
FATHER: I'm sorry son.
THE FATHER WALKS BACK TO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM. THE MOTHER WALKS BACK ON TO TALK TO HIM.
FATHER: Okay, I did it. But on his birthday, it's your turn to tell him he's adopted.
END.
TWO MEN DRESSED LIKE KINGS, BOTH WITH BAGS, ARE STANDING AROUND.
KING 1: I hope he gets here soon, can't really turn up late to these shindigs can we?
KING 2: Well, no, the birth of Christ is a fairly rare event, we don't want to miss this one.
KING 1: Here he is!
A THIRD KING JOINS THE OTHER TWO.
KING 3: Sorry I'm late, traffic was a nightmare. A lorry spilled its load all over the motorway. What a mess. Shit – did you guys bring presents? I didn't think it'd be that sort of party.
KING 1: Yeah, not big presents though, I just had a bit of leftover Frankincense…
KING 2: I had some old Myrrh in the garage I didn't need, so…
KING 3: Brilliant. Any service stations on the way to Bethlehem we can stop at? Could pick something up there.
KING 1: I don't think so, no. Don't you have anything on you you could give? Anything in the car?
KING 3: I don't think so. Hang on, I've got Gold in the car.
KING 1: Gold? Well that'll be great, that'll do.
KING 3: No, I mean Spandau Ballet's Greatest Hits.
KING 2: Yeah, that's not so good. I think Mary's more of a Wham fan.
KING 1: Just out of interest, has Mary told anyone who the father is yet?
KING 2: Nope, she's still claiming she's a Virgin!
KING 3: Well we all know that's bollocks!
THE THREE KINGS LAUGH.
KING 1 (putting his arm round King 2): If the kid's got ginger hair, he's yours!
THE THREE KINGS LAUGH TOGETHER, AND WALK OFFSTAGE.
