I say there, would you like to read my script?

Hello again folks.

Well, not too long ago I posted an excerpt from a comedy-drama pilot I was concocting named 'Wingless' - the basic premise being that two recently fired nobodies came together in what I hoped to be numerous hilarious shenanigans...oh, and one of them is an angel.

I got some good feedback from the fine people in this forum, so I thought I'd try my luck again.

Now, I've placed 'Wingless' on the backburner for a while, as I decided to pursue a more directly comedic project - and one which I found far easier to write as it is created a lot from my own experiences in university - only contorted, twisted and exaggerated for, that's right, more hilarious shenanigans!

The working title is 'To Some Degree', and it is set in and around the fictional Royston University. The premise, essentially, is that main character Scott attends the 'less celebrated' University of Royston despite having been able to attend one of the best uni's in the land if he had wanted to. Why did he choose Royston then, I hear you ask. The answer is simple; for a girl. The catch, however, is equally simple; she dumped him three days before they moved to the university.

So now Scott is stuck in a city he hates, surrounded by dim-witted school friends, sex-obsessed flatmates, embittered old professors and smug love rivals named Colin.

Oh, and he has a running monologue. Naturally.

Anybody feeling curious enough to read a 30-35 page pilot script and offer some constructive criticisms? It would be much appreciated and I would - of course - be willing to return the favour any time.

Put a couple of pages up at a time and you'll get more comments

Quote: bushbaby @ November 8 2009, 9:54 AM GMT

Put a couple of pages up at a time and you'll get more comments

View original

That sounds like good advice.

Comedy (as we all know) is hugely subjective and even two people of equally great talent, taste and experience can be diametrically opposed when it comes to the quality and saleability of a script.

Also, it's a hell of a task to comment in detail on a 30-minute script - yet that's what you need unless the script is already a near-to-fully-polished diamond (which it probably isn't).

If you post a couple of pages, as BB suggests, you might well receive advice that applies not only to those two pages but also to the script as a whole.

You know it makes sense.

Would agree with above.

And if it is like Wingless, I'm sure you'll get positive comments.

I should post some pages...can't say fairer than that!

EDIT: I should probably put a little warning for some use of strong language and humour that's probably a little crude in places.
This applies a little more for the middle third of the script, though, and not so much this first excerpt.

EDIT 2: Added a snippet of scene four to help with the joke at the end of scene three.

Here we go, it's the first 3 scenes:

EDITED OUT: Rewrites of the first few scenes rendered this obsolete.

Reads well, but I can't help thinking more should have happened by Scene 4.
The character is well defined - I have a mental image of him already.
Trouble is, the VO is making me think of a young David Mitchell.
Is that a bad thing?
Do you want comparisons with peep show?

I like this but think it's taking a while to get into. On the other hand I thought that about the Big Bang Theory on it's first airing and I was just about to switch over when it started to become understandable and very funny.
This humour reminds me of that somehow

Thanks for the replies. I admit I was a little wary that it might be a bit slow to start - in fact it was one of the reasons I wanted someone to read it in one big go - which is probably in itself a good enough indication that the structure isn't perfect, as much of what happenes in these first few scenes are in fact set-ups for pay-offs in the plot later on in script. Such is the problem with writing a pilot, I suppose; as well as the traditional three-act structure we have to thrust in introductions to the series as a whole.

As for the Peep Show comparisons, I can see your angle now that I have re-read it with David Mitchell's voice in my head. The character of Scott and David Mitchell's character in PS are very similar on paper; bookish, a little neurotic, etc. The sad thing is, a lot of the comedy comes from Scott's reactions to thing, so I suppose it would be reliant on a hypothetical actor to distinguish his performance from that of David Mitchell and/or the various other uppity characters of comedy history.

I've never watched the Big Bang Theory myself, but I'll have to check it out sometime to see what you mean bushbaby, thanks for the reference.

If you folks want, I'll post the next few scenes too, but first I'm going to perform another edit on them to cut some unneeded waffle.

I wouldn't rewrite anything yet. Do another thread with the next two pages, I want to read on

Overall, it has a competent feel to it but it needs to be funnier.

The Leafley Guy should immediately announce his 'cause' to Scott and that cause should be something credible while being something only a knobhead might feel strongly about.

That would get you an early laugh and the audience would immediately feel sympathy for Scott.

Also, when Scott steps in the dog poo and is cleaning it off his shoes, he should not say "That'll do". That makes the audience lose sympathy with him as it suggests he's someone who doesn't mind smelling horrible.

It would be far better to see him scraping his shoe and then to cut to him a few moments later walking along the street. The fact that Lily can smell it when they meet is then is much funnier as we imagine Scott's dismay. As currently written, it's entirely predictable that everyone he meets will smell it.

Also, the historical references are rather obscure - Caesar's first day as what? Who's heard of the Berlin Blockade? - and might put viewers off. You might do better to refer to events that most people have heard of.

EDIT: I like those suggestions on the leaflet guy and dog mess incidents, Roodeye, thanks.

As for the historical references, I didn't think it was necessary to bog down the first line with 'Caesar's first day as leader of the Roman Empire' or whatever; the idea of "Caesar's first day" in general gets the message across, maybe?

Again for the Berlin Blockade, the only important word there is 'blockade'. Though you're right, maybe I can think of a more mainstream event to use instead.

Here you go then!

EDITED: Rewrites rendered this extract obsolete. 

I like this- nice collection of characters.

But, as has already been mentioned, it is very Peep Show, and it's hard not to read Scott's VO in Mark Corrigan's voice.

'I'm Tony Blair, he's John Major. I'm Tony Blair, he's John Major.'

Could not be more Peep Show.

Quote: rolyrat @ November 9 2009, 4:47 PM GMT

I like this- nice collection of characters.

But, as has already been mentioned, it is very Peep Show, and it's hard not to read Scott's VO in Mark Corrigan's voice.

'I'm Tony Blair, he's John Major. I'm Tony Blair, he's John Major.'

Could not be more Peep Show.

View original

Surely "I'm Mark, he's Jez. I'm Marj, he's Jez" is more Peep Show?

Nice varied, different characters.

I would echo thoughts that you probably need more gags.

I would suggest it is a common statement from writers that it is a bit slow to start with but gets going. I don't think you can afford to do that. It has to hit the ground running so I'd try to squeeze in more gags.

The other thing that stuck me was cost. Every scene seems to be set somewhere else. It was one of the things that I was told when my sitcom was rejected - cost! And I only had five sets ( Oh and a joust scene) Try to reduce the costs as much as you can.

Hope this helps.

It is funny, well written and I personally think the pacing is fine. But right now, it reads like Peep Show fan-fiction rather than an original script and that's a shame because you can obviously write funny.

By the way, I'd be happy to read the entire script if you like and give you some more in-depth feedback.