Suicide

Hello. Planning to film this next week. Not sure if it's quite there yet. Any suggestions appreciated. Ta.

There's an improved (hopefully) rewrite a few posts below.

INT. BEDROOM. DAY

DAVID, LATE 40s, LIES MOTIONLESS ON A BED. SCATTERED PILLS AND EMPTY PILL BOTTLE REST BY HIS HAND. BLOOD TRICKLES FROM HIS MOUTH.

CHARLOTTE, 30, ENTERS. SHE SCREAMS. NEIL, 30, RUNS IN. CONSIDERS THE SCENE, THEN:

NEIL
Well I guess the money's yours then.

CHARLOTTE
Ours.

NEIL
And I was looking forward to slicing him up. (STRAIGHT INTO CAMERA, VOICE DEEPENED IN POST) Into little pieces.

CHARLOTTE AND NEIL TURN TO EACH OTHER. THEY EMBRACE WITH FEVERED PASSION. LOTS OF MOANS. THE SHOT DRIFTS OVER TO DAVID'S FACE.

DAVID (V.O. - INNER MONOLOGUE)
OK. Practical joke not gone to plan. Now a little awkward.

A FLY LANDS ON DAVID'S FOREHEAD. HIS FACE TWITCHES. HE MAKES A FRUSTRATED EFFORT TO BLOW THE FLY AWAY.

DAVID (V.O. - INNER MONOLOGUE)
Get lost. Piss off!

A CAT HOPS UP ONTO THE BED. ITS TAIL FLICKS ACROSS HIS FACE (LOTS OF PURRING ETC).

A FLUFFY DANDELION SEED POD DRIFTS ONTO HIS NOSE.

A PAIR OF SODDEN PANTS LAND ON HIS FACE. DAVID CAN TAKE NO MORE. HE LEAPS UP AND JUMPS OUT OF THE WINDOW.

DAVID (O.S.)
(AS HE FALLS) I'm onto you two.

SPLAT

END OF SKETCH

It feels like a good idea but it's also very busy for such a short sketch.

And with such dark subject matter, it feels a little flippant?

Put David on the floor, let the couple use the bed, so they are physically as well as metaphorically above him. Lose the cat and the dandelion, just concentrate on pieces of clothing falling onto him. Why do you need the "slicing him up" stuff? Puts in another element which takes away from the central premise/joke. It's too much and it doesn't fit.

Why not have the girlfriend and the bloke who discovers him momentarily distraught and/or guilty, before instantly falling into each other's arms and having sex? Make it more of a spontaneous decision in reaction to finding him "dead" - a release of pent-up sexual attraction to each other, released by his "death". Try to make it slightly clearer at the outset that the woman discovering David is his girlfriend.

Love the denouement, especially with the "I'm onto you two" line.

Not too dark if you try and keep it slightly absurd. Don't have a 'SPLAT' sound effect, at most a 'THUD' - it's too nasty - even better just let him jump out the window with no sound effect at all - end of sketch. Don't have too much (if any) reaction from the couple having sex to his "coming back to life". Direct the actor playing David to play the character as somewhat childish, but don't "heighten" any of the performances too much.

Nice one, Simon.

Nice idea, and a great rewrite by Tim. Still not sure about the ending though, doesn't seem to make much sense - is he deliberately topping himself? if so why the "I'm onto you" line?

Thanks men. My original angle was David needing to keep still through fear of being 'sliced up' by Neil. IE through their conversation David not only discovers that Neil and Charlotte are having an affair. But, more importantly, they planned to bump him off. I really liked the close up of the actor's face interacting with the increasingly random items landing on his face.

Tim. I like your suggestions. Thanks. It does change the angle from David 'having' to keep still, through fear, to him just being gutted. But your version is certainly less cluttered and requires less exposition. Perhaps some unexpected items, other than clothes, landing on him.....

Quote: Timbo @ November 7 2009, 10:26 AM GMT

Nice idea, and a great rewrite by Tim. Still not sure about the ending though, doesn't seem to make much sense - is he deliberately topping himself? if so why the "I'm onto you" line?

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I don't think the 'I'm onto you' line works with Tim's version. So either David gets up, is so devastated by the unexpected sexual liaison occurring in his bed, he tops himself. Or something else......think there's another possible ending.

What about this:

INT. BEDROOM. DAY

DAVID, 30s, LIES MOTIONLESS ON THE FLOOR. SCATTERED PILLS AND AN EMPTY PILL BOTTLE REST BY HIS HAND. BLOOD TRICKLES FROM HIS MOUTH.

CHARLOTTE, 30, ENTERS. SHE SCREAMS.

CHARLOTTE
[RUNNING FINGERS THROUGH DAVID'S HAIR] Sweet heart. Why?

NEIL, 30, RUNS IN AND CROUCHES BESIDE CHARLOTTE. THEY EXCHANGE A SADDENED LOOK. THIS LOOK QUICKLY DEVELOPS INTO THAT OF PENT UP SEXUAL DESIRE. THEY LEAP ONTO THE BED.

CLOSE UP ON DAVID'S FACE. CLOTHES BEGIN TO RAIN DOWN ON HIM.

DAVID (V.O. - INNER MONOLOGUE)
OK. Practical joke not gone to plan. Now a little awkward.

A PAIR OF KNICKERS, THEN PANTS LAND ON DAVID'S FACE. HE RISES, TAKES STOCK OF THE SITUATION. THEN, SUDDENLY, THROWS HIMSELF OUT OF THE WINDOW.

DAVID
(AS HE EXITS THE WINDOW) This will teach you, bitch.

REVEAL SHOT OF DAVID LYING ON THE BALCONY, OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, LOOKING LIKE A PLONKER.

END.

Like it. Rewrite much better. I think a little more needs to be established with Neil though. We can understand that Charlotte would be living with David because they're a couple, but what's Neil's connection with anyone? Maybe just insert a line somewhere explaining Neil is David's best mate or something?

Oh, and maybe a final 'damn' from David to make the ending more definite. Hmm, possibly.

Liked the second one better. Nice visual twist at the end.

The 2nd one worked better for me. Loved the ending.

yea that's really funny now LOL

The ending is quite nice but to me someone going from pretending to be dead, seeing their partner having sex, then killing themselves just doesn't seem to work in terms of a normal progression, like there is something missing in the middle. I don't know, but I look forward to seeing the video of your edited version.

How about David saying, in V.O. "Ha! The last laughs on you! Oh wait, I can't speak anymore, I'm dead."

I agree with others that the 2nd version is snappier.