British Comedy Guide

The Sitcom I Wrote

Hi everybody

Here's a bit from a sitcom episode I wrote about burglars (in particular a boy who joins his dads business). I would love it if any of you could give me some feedback on it and let me know what you think about it. thank you in advance.

apologies for any spelling and grammer mistakes, bad jokes and anuthing in it that doesn't make sense.

SCENE 1. INT. JOHNNY'S BEDROOM.
5-YEAR OLD JOHNNY IS LAYING IN BED, WIDE AWAKE WHEN HIS DAD OPENS THE DOOR HAVING JUST GOT HOME.

5-YEAR OLD JOHNNY:
(Tired, but excited) Where've you been dady?

DAD:
Don't worry your little head Johnny. Why are you still up? It's way past your bedtime, and you've got school in the morning!

5-YEAR OLD JOHNNY:
I just want to know where you've been?

DAD:
I'll tell you when you're older.

DAD CLOSES THE DOOR. 10 AND A BIT YEARS LATER… IT IS MORNING AND DAD COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM TO WAKE UP JOHNNY ON HIS 15TH BIRTHDAY.

DAD:
(Excited) Come on Johnny get up, it's time!

JOHNNY:
(Sleepy) Time for what?

DAD:
Just put some clothes on and meet me downstairs. Your brother and me want to give you a present.

JOHNNY:
It better be good!

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. EXT. WAREHOUSE. - DAWN
JOHNNY, DAD AND HIS BROTHER DARREN, ARE STANDING NEXT TO EACHOTHER. DAD HAS HIS ARM AROUND JOHNNY.

JOHNNY:
(Baffled) this is it?

DAD:
Yep. Great isn't it?

JOHNNY:
It's not very big. It's so small you probably couldn't swing a mouse in there.

DAD:
Give it time. You'll come to love it.

JOHNNY:
And the sign? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen!

THE SIGN IS NOW VISIBLE. THE SIGN READS 'DAD AND SON: INVESTMENT MANAGEMENT'.

JOHNNY:
Why isn't your name up there?

DAD:
I just don't think it's a good idea displaying it. Especially with the kind of work we do.

JOHNNY:
What Investment management? You've waited all this time to tell me, and I waited all this time for you to show me you're and investment manager.

DAD:
Well… when we say investment management, what we really mean is… is…

DARREN:
We steal stuff! Simple as. And, when your mates say f**k me! They don't actually want you to have sex with them.

JOHNNY:
Well that explains a lot!

DAD:
What are you talking about? What have you been up to? I don't wanna know. Well as a cherry on top to sweeten the deal, I'm going to take you on your first job tonight.

JOHNNY:
Cool! What are we going to steal then? Bags of gold or something like that?

DAD:
Nothing like that. I need do some calculations before I decide what we need. But there is one condition that you need to fulfil in order to join the business.

JOHNNY:
What's that? Is it one of those funny ones where I have to down a pint naked?

DAD:
No, you have to steal an object from a house. Once you've done that, you can officially join the business. You will also receive a complimentary soap dish with Darren's and my face on.

JOHNNY:
Why hasn't it got my face on?

DAD:
Because we got like 300 of them made. Well enough of work talk, you two have school, so hurry up and get going.

JOHNNY AND DARREN START TO WALK OFF. DAD STAYS WHERE HE IS BUT KEEPS TALKING TO JOHNNY.

DAD:
And one more thing, whatever you do don't tell your mother about this. Ever since she became a policewoman she's trying her hardest to get me locked up. So if you say anything, we'll be f**ked!

CUT TO:

SCENE 3. EXT. SCHOOL - DAY
JOHNNY AND HIS SCHOOL FRIENDS ARE LEANING AGAINST A WALL/FENCE WHILE PEOPLE ARE WALKING PAST.

STEVEY:
So did you watch the footie last night Harry?

HARRY
What footy? There weren't any games on last night. Well not if you count the games on in Brazil, but no one watches them, not even Brazilians, and they're coco loco.

STEVEY:
There was football on! It was the Sigmund fires and electricity of Staffordshire: the best place for fires and electricity in Staffordshire cup final. What a game!

MATT:
There wasn't a game on!

STEVEY:
Well I remember something like that. Im sure it had something to do with balls being kicked and sweaty persons.

HARRY:
That's not football. That sounds like the dirty video you bought off my uncle.

STEVEY:
That numpty told me it was girl-on-girl action!

MATT:
You still watched it though?

STEVEY:
Shut up.

THE FRIENDS CONTINUE TO BICCUR AS JOHNNY SPOTS A ATTRACTIVE GIRL WALKS PAST THEM. WHILE SHE IS WALKING PAST, EVERYTHING IS IN SLOW MOTION. JOHNNY GAZES AT HER WHILE SHE WALKS PAST.

JOHNNY:
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! (pointing at her) I think I'm love with that girl!

STEVEY:
What Miss Mcnaulty? She's bigger than coldplay!

JOHNNY:
NO! (Pointing at her again) Her, the fit one.

MATT:
Oh you mean Claire. She's in my form. You've got no chance with her.

JOHNNY:
Well we'll just see won't we?

DARREN WALKS PAST, TALKING TO JOHNNY AS HE PASSES HIM.

DARREN:
So, happy birthday again bro.

ALL OF JOHHNY'S FRIENDS LOOK AT HIM AS IF IT IS CHRISTMAS. DARREN KEEPS ON WALKING.

HARRY:
(Excited) how old is he Darren?

DARREN:
Ummm… 46!

JOHNNY'S FRIENDS THE START TO GRAB JOHNNY AND PIN HIM DOWN.

STEVEY:
Birthday beats!!

A STAMPEAD OF PEOPLE THEN RUNOVER TO JOHNNY TO GIVE HIM BIRTHDAY BEATS.

JOHNNY:
NOOOO!

CUT TO:

SCENE 4. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
JOHNNY'S DAD IS LAYING DOWN ON THE SOFA WATCHING TV. THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS SHUT AND JOHNNY COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM. JOHNNY IS RUBBING HIS ARMS AS THEY ARE BRUISED AND IN PAIN. JOHNNY'S DAD GETS UP TO CONFRONT HIM.

DAD:
Look what I found in your room Johnny! Is this what I think it is? Is this a dirty magazine?

JOHNNY:
Yes dad I think it is.

DAD:
Well where did you get this?

JOHNNY:
Harry's Uncle. He sells magazines to people.

DAD HOLDS THE MAGAZINE TO SHOW JOHNNY. IT IS A FOOTBALL MAGAZINE.

DAD:
Well why is it dirty? You've ruined a perfectly good magazine.

JOHHNY:
I didn't mean to ruin it. I accidentally spilt hot chocolate on it while I was reading it.

DAD:
Hot chocolate? Where did you get this 'hot' chocolate? How does it work anyway? Wouldn't it be melted?

JOHNNY:
It's a kind of drink. A hot drink, that tastes of chocolate.

DAD:
Well I've had enough of this freak show talk. Get ready because we've got to go to work in a bit. I left you some clothes out.

JOHNNY:
What? Can't I wear my normal clothes. It's not as if anyone's gonna see me.

DAD:
Well your clothes aren't camouflage like these bad boys. Imagine if the police get called and they're trying to find you. What are they going to see first, you in these clothes, or you in a white t-shirt with shorts?

JOHNNY:
I don't always wear shorts.

DAD:
Well explain why your legs are so hairy. Now come on, hurry up and get changed.

CUT TO:

SCENE 5. EXT./INT. STREET/HOUSE. NIGHT
JOHNNY AND DAD ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS THE HOUSE, DRESSED IN THEIR WORK CLOTHES (ALL BLACK CLOTHES).

JOHNNY:
I thought you said we'd be in camouflage? This isn't camouflage!

DAD:
I didn't say they were camouflage, I just said they would be like camouflage in the dark.

JOHNNY:
Well I'm not moving until we wear camouflage!

JOHNNY STOPS, CROSSES HIS ARMS AND HUFFS. DAD CONTINUES TO WALK.

DAD:
Come on you silly billy!

JOHNNY:
Fine.

JOHNNY THEN STARTS RUNNING TO CATCH UP WITH DAD.

DAD:
Lets be serious now, they've got a 63 inch HD TV, a heater made completely of ice and a robot body guard.

JOHNNY:
Won't the robot body guard stop me from stealing anything?

DAD:
Well they switch it off at night to save battery. That robot uses a lot of battery and it probably gets annoying, always being robotic and what not.

DAD THEN STARTS TO A ROBOTIC DANCE, MAKING ROBOTIC NOISES ASWELL.

JOHNNY:
Cool. Are we there yet?

DAD:
Umm… Yes.

JOHNNY AND DAD STOP OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.

DAD:
Ok, so I'll wait here why you go in and get the stuff. Be quick, I don't want to be here all night. Go on. Make me proud.

JOHNNY THEN WALKS OFF BEHIND THE HOUSE. AS HE GETS TO THE BACK DOOR, HE STOPS AND GET HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET. HE RINGS A NUMBER AND THE PHONE IN THE HOUSE GOES OFF. THERE IS NO ANSWER SO HE GOES BACK TO HIS DAD.

JOHNNY:
There's no answer on the phone.

DAD:
What?!? Just get back in there and get the stuff. Stop messing about.

JOHNNY:
Oh yeah. Sorry.

JOHNNY THEN GOES BACK TO THE BACK DOOR, OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS IN TO THE HOUSE. HE IS NOW ROAMING AROUND THE HOUSE. HE THEN STARTS PICKING UP AND LOOKING AT OBJECTS, THEN PUTTING THEM DOWN.

JOHNNY:
What's this? How much is this? Is it gonna fit in the swag bag? If only I could have the light on.

WE THEN GO BACK OUTSIDE TO SEE DAD ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR JOHNNY TO COME BACK. A WOMEN THEN WALKS PAST HIM.

DAD:
Hey nothing to see here. Nothing going on here. (cockney accent) You know what I mean, innit!

JOHNNY THEN COMES RUNNING OUT TO SPEAK TO HIS DAD. HE HAS NOT YET STOLEN ANYTHING.

DAD:
What are you doing out here. Have you stolen anything?

JOHNNY:
No but that's why I'm out here, I've forgotten what I needed to steal.

DAD:
Just get the big TV! Be quick though, I don't want to be here all night!

JOHNNY THEN RUNS BACK INTO THE HOUSE AND STARTS TO UNPLUG THE TV, AS HE IS DOING SO, THE LIGHT IN THE ROOM SWITCHES ON.

JOHNNY:

Ah thank you. It is so much easier to do this now.

JOHNNY CONTINUES TO UNPLUG THE TV WHILE A MAN WITH A TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HIM STANDS OVER HIM. JOHNNY THEN NOTICES HIM AND STANDS UP.
JOHNNY:

Umm, what are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here!

TOWEL MAN:
(Angrily) What d'you mean I'm not supposed to be here! This is my house!

JOHNNY:
Well I just phoned you and there was no answer!

TOWEL MAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS BODY AS IF TO SHOW JOHNNY THE REASON WHY HE DIDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

TOWEL MAN:
Are you stupid? I'm calling the police.

AS THE MAN GOES TO GET THE PHONE, JOHNNY STOPS HIM AND POINTS AT SOMETHING BEHIND THE MAN TO DISTRACT HIM.

JOHNNY:
Hey is that Perry Fenwick?

TOWEL MAN:
Who?

JOHNNY:
(Huffs) Billy Mitchell from Eastenders.

TOWEL MAN LOOKS AROUND TO WHERE JOHNNY IS POINTING.

TOWEL MAN:
Where?

WHILE TOWEL MAN IS DISTRACTED, JOHNNY RUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE AND PAST HIS DAD.

JOHNNY:
(shouting while running) No time to stop dad!

DAD THEN STARTS RUNNING AND CATCHES HIM UP.

DAD:
What happened?

JOHNNY GOES TO TELL DAD BUT HE KEEPS ON TALKING

DAD:
You don't need to tell me, I know what's happened. It's your damn Mother. She's probably been spying on us. We need to get home. STAT!

Just 1 bit of feedback please!! is it really bad or something???

To be honest it is not great. For one thing I did not find the premise engaging - but since I was the only person in the country who enjoyed Thieves Like Us that on its own would not have killed it for me; and a silly crime comedy such as the old Peter Jones vehicle Mr. Big might even be welcome.

The script just feels a bit all over the place: I don't feel I have any handle on the characters or on the style of humour you are aiming for. A lot of the humour does not seem to arise naturally from the premise, and in places it is weak, including the whole exchange between Johnny's mates, which I am not sure even makes sense. An exhange such as:

DARREN:
We steal stuff! Simple as. And, when your mates say f**k me! They don't actually want you to have sex with them.

JOHNNY:
Well that explains a lot!

is shamefully tired and weak.

I am not saying you do not have anything to work with here, but it is a long way from being something which I would say was ready to start sending out.

Hi Mat,

Timbo makes a very good point. I'm afraid that at present it lacks pace (ie moving the plot forward or making us laugh, or preferably both). Your central idea has, I think some potential, but you need to give it more impetus.

I think that a family of crims is an okay premise, with plenty of potential storylines, including of course, getting caught.

Don't sit on your hands though; rewriting is essential, as is correct gramma and spelling. The first draft is the worst draft. Everything that comes after it can only be better.

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