I try to write at least a dozen or so short jokes on Twitter per week, here's a selection, feel free to give me some feedback;
1.Gave myself a coffee enema this morning, perked me up but I got thrown out of Starbucks.
2.I wanted to find out the fastest speed a horse can run so I commissioned a Gallup poll.
3.After my shower I sprayed on some lynx, I'm now banned from the zoo.
4.Took a cutting from the paper, so now I can grow my own.
5.After this gig I'm attending Hippies Anonymous, at the drop out centre.
6.Was going to go to the out of town psychedelia centre but it's too far out.
7.Yesterday played French cricket, which is like normal cricket but with tongues.
8.When I first met my girlfriend working at London Zoo, I thought "She's a keeper".
9.Poppers are supposed to help with anal sex, but when I tried them I just ended up with an arse full of confetti
10.Went into a pet shop earlier looking at cat flaps, got thrown out and called a pervert.
11.When my Spanish friend moved to the US he took a course called "How to talk like a native", he now speaks perfect Apache.
12.Apparently too much sodium in your diet is bad for you, to be honest I'd take that with a pinch of salt.
13.Entered my Fantasy Football team, I've gone for a unicorn in goal, several elves in defence & a dragon up front.
14.Was at an orgy and a man came all over my moobs, had to get that off my chest.
15.Great unanswered questions from history - Were King Cnut's parents dyslexic?
16.Little know historical fact - Nazi goosestepping was officially known as the 'Brandenberg Gait'
17.Just come back from a spa holiday, it was rubbish, just a week working in a small convenience store.
18.The bloke that invented the key for the symbols on maps, LEGEND
19.Ironically the book I got out of the library called "Dealing with Back Pain" has a damaged spine.
20.Got a phone call asking me to do a gig for ADHD but I lost interest halfway through.
21.Just asked my friend who has synesthesia what his favourite colour is, he replied "E flat major".
22.One of my other friends was a gay beekeeper, he had to quit because he was always coming out in hives
23.Apparently to be a great comedian you need a USP, so after the gig I'm off to "PC World" to pick up a cable.
24.Went for a pizza & the first bloke in the queue fell over which started a chain reaction of people falling over,bloody Dominos
25.Was driving the other day and saw a sign saying "Hidden Dip", went round the corner and crashed into a huge tub of Guacamole.
26.I like to go down hills by doing somersaults, cos that's the way I roll.
27.What do you call a magician who's been done for sexual harrassment? David Cop a feel.
28.The Body Mass Index, possibly the most intrusive section of the phone directory.
29.Got in trouble with my girlfriend for leaving a window open, must remember to close down porn before I go to sleep.
30.My girlfriend & I like to dress up as Adrian Balboa & Apollo Creed, think we're going through a Rocky patch.
31.My porn movie shot in the forest was a disaster, you couldn't see the wood for the trees.
32.Saw a sign in a shop that said "Stamps sold by the book", it's good to know that someone follows the rules
33.Found out that the technical term for re-cycling teabags to make compost is not 'teabagging'. Embarrassing.
34.People often ask me how I got my job as a book editor, well to cut a long story short...
35.During the Vietnam War it must've been very dangerous to be an American soldier called "Charlie".
36.Just come back from a drag race, boy those trannies can shift.
37.When I announced that I'd baked the largest cake in the world all my neighbours scoffed.
38.Ironically I always forget Remembrance Sunday.
39.With the current financial crisis & Swine Flu, has there ever been a worse time to be a manufacturer of Piggy Banks?
40.The waiter asked me if I wanted to hear the specials, I said 'Yes' and he started singing "Ghost Town".
41.I'll tell you what really makes my blood boil, faulty sunbeds.
42.They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but it doesn't seem to work when on a first date with a stutterer.
43.Can't say that I'm entirely happy with the concept of 'Assisted Suicide' but I'll make an exception for Piers Morgan.
44.I was asked my sexual orientation the other day, I said "usually facing my computer monitor".
