Family Portrait Page 2

As previously threatened, here is the rewritten version of Family Portrait. Thanks to everyone for their help.

F/XOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, BELL RINGS

GEORGE:Ah, hello madam, how can I help you today?

SUSAN:I've come for my pictures.

GEORGE:Ah. Yes. One moment please

F/XSTENTATIOUS OPENING AND CLOSING OF DRAWERS, RIFLING OF FILES

GEORGE:Hmm. Sorry, can't seem to find them. Never mind though, this could be the perfect time to explore a different way of capturing your family's unique character. Painters can be quite creative, or perhaps a radio play?

SUSAN:That's them. I can see them from here.

GEORGEh, I don't think so. No, definitely not.

SUSAN:It is, right there. Pass them here.

F/X:ENVELOPE OPENING

SUSANh, this is awful.

GEORGEh dear, what's the problem?

SUSAN:You can't see our faces.

GEORGE:Is that bad?

SUSAN:Well, obviously.

GEORGE:That's your family in the car outside isn't it?

SUSAN:Yes.

GEORGEof! No offence, but they're frightfully ugly, like three gargoyles rolled in a sack of vomit; I can almost taste the carroty bits. The photo's much better without them.

SUSAN:I want a refund.

GEORGE:Now, let's not be hasty. How about another sitting? We could employ some kind of bagging solution.

SUSAN:No, I don't think so.

GEORGE:They'd be bags for life, not those horrid cheap things that kill goats and clog landfills.

SUSAN:Is there something wrong with you?

GEORGE:Maybe we could face them away from camera, or take the photo in the dark, perhaps from a great distance; they're doing marvellous things with satellite imagery.

SUSAN:Look, I'm tired of your idiotic ideas. All I want is a normal picture of my family.

GEORGE:We could remodel their faces; I've got a shovel in the back. Or, if you like, we could mince them, boil them until they're distilled down to their natural essence then photograph the vapour.

SUSAN:I can't listen to any more of this nonsense. Goodbye.

GEORGE:Wait, I could replace them with more aesthetically pleasing models.

F/XENCIL SCRIBBLING ON PAPER

GEORGE:Here, look at this.

SUSANh, what's that?

GEORGE:It's an artist's impression of how your picture would look if your family wasn't so stomach churningly repulsive. Lovely isn't it?

SUSAN:Well…

GEORGE:You must love your husband very much. Tell me, is he very rich?

SUSAN:Well, no. He's a bit of a disappointment really.

GEORGE:You could try one of our value studs. You might like Andre, he's very fertile, he could knock you up before you leave.

SUSAN:I don't know. I've grown quite fond of the kids, could we just bag them and mince my husband?

GEORGEf course madam, send him in when you're ready.

SUSAN:Thank you. Goodbye.

F/XOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, BELL RINGS. DOOR OPENS AGAIN

SUSANh do come along Andre.

That's loads better. I really enjoyed it. Quite a few really nice lines. Something that came to mind whilst reading it was:

SUSAN: Look, I'm tired of your idiotic ideas. All I want is a normal picture of my family.

GEORGE:
Then a normal family is the traditional route.

But that's just me.

Good re-write though.

Quote: scratchyr @ November 24 2009, 9:55 AM GMT

SUSAN: Look, I'm tired of your idiotic ideas. All I want is a normal picture of my family.

GEORGE:
Then a normal family is the traditional route.

View original

Thanks. Like it.

Sorry, there seems to be some weirdness either on the forum or at my end, perhaps some kind of delay so apologies for double posting (if that's what you're seeing)

Opening is much better, but I do not think you need the direct insults, it is much funnier when the repulsiveness of the family is just implied; and, to me at least, the more sick suggestions just do not seem appropriate to the piece. (Also I still don't see why you need the family in the car outside, both the photographer and the woman know what the family look like - so you have a clumsy, unfunny line of exposition which actually serves no purpose.)

Know what you mean about the car line. It got taken out then made it's way back in somehow, I think to make the ending possible.

All a bit late now though, it's back with the RFTP people. Might have missed the rewrite deadline though.

I thought the rewrite was a definite improvement & there were some really good suggestions in the thread.

Agree about the sick lines not quite sitting right with the rest.
But it's a funny idea, with some terrific lines.