Radio sketch - life guards

Another sketch I would appreciate a verdict on.

LIFE GUARDS

FX ____________ A SWIMMING POOL

JEAN
Hello, you must be Claire the new life guard. I'm Jean your supervisor. Do you have you any previous experience?

CLAIRE
Well, I've seen a couple episodes of Baywatch.

JEAN
Okay. Have you got any questions?

CLAIRE
Yes. Will I have to get my face wet at any point?

JEAN
Well…

CLAIRE
Only it will ruin my make-up Jean and my hair will get a bit frizzy and it takes an age to straighten.

JEAN
I suppose you could do breaststroke with your head held out of the water…

CLAIRE
Or just doggy paddle? It's the only stroke I can do to be honest.

JEAN
Right. Well tell you what Claire, if any of the swimmers get into trouble you could just chuck them one of those rings on the wall there, or use the long handled hook thingy. It should be all right.

CLAIRE
Good, because to be honest Jean I don't really like the water much. (PAUSE) And can I smoke around the pool?

JEAN
No, but you can pop outside to the car park for a ciggie, say every two hours?

CLAIRE
Could we make that every half-hour?

JEAN
I don't see why not.

CLAIRE
And when you say 'ciggie' I'm meaning more 'joint'?

JEAN
It's a free world Claire!

CLAIRE
Good. Also it will get a bit boring standing out there on my own…

JEAN
Well, tell you what, you can take whoever's on duty with you for company. I'm sure nothing will happen while the pool's left unattended.

CLAIRE
It's unlikely isn't it? (PAUSE) Oh, one other thing, do I get to sit on one of those really high chairs, on top of the ladder thing?

JEAN
(INCREDULOUS) Are you mad? Do you think Health and Safety would let you climb up steps to sit on a eight foot high chair – next to open water – and you haven't even been on a course?! I don't know what sort of outfit you think we run here...

ENDS

I liked the way it was going, but the end didn't do too much for me.

Quote: Ben @ October 31 2009, 11:30 PM BST

I liked the way it was going, but the end didn't do too much for me.

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No, I think she should start jacking up chlorine or something. It's another oldie I've dug up...

I fancy Ben. I mean, I agree with Ben.

Quote: Leevil @ October 31 2009, 11:32 PM BST

I fancy Ben. I mean, I agree with Ben.

View original

I know what you really mean.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ October 31 2009, 11:27 PM BST

Another sketch I would appreciate a verdict on.

LIFE GUARDS

FX ____________ A SWIMMING POOL

JEAN
Hello, you must be Claire the new life guard. I'm Jean your supervisor. Do you have you any previous experience?

CLAIRE
Well, I've seen a couple episodes of Baywatch.

JEAN
Okay. Have you got any questions?

CLAIRE
Yes. Will I have to get my face wet at any point?

JEAN
Well…

CLAIRE
Only it will ruin my make-up Jean and my hair will get a bit frizzy and it takes an age to straighten.

JEAN
I suppose you could do breaststroke with your head held out of the water…

CLAIRE
Or just doggy paddle? It's the only stroke I can do to be honest.

JEAN
Right. Well tell you what Claire, if any of the swimmers get into trouble you could just chuck them one of those rings on the wall there, or use the long handled hook thingy. It should be all right.

CLAIRE
Good, because to be honest Jean I don't really like the water much. (PAUSE) And can I smoke around the pool?

JEAN
No, but you can pop outside to the car park for a ciggie, say every two hours?

CLAIRE
Could we make that every half-hour?

JEAN
I don't see why not.

CLAIRE
And when you say 'ciggie' I'm meaning more 'joint'?

JEAN
It's a free world Claire!

CLAIRE
Good. Also it will get a bit boring standing out there on my own…

JEAN
Well, tell you what, you can take whoever's on duty with you for company. I'm sure nothing will happen while the pool's left unattended.

CLAIRE
It's unlikely isn't it? (PAUSE) Oh, one other thing, do I get to sit on one of those really high chairs, on top of the ladder thing?

JEAN
(INCREDULOUS) Are you mad? Do you think Health and Safety would let you climb up steps to sit on a eight foot high chair – next to open water – and you haven't even been on a course?! I don't know what sort of outfit you think we run here...

ENDS

View original

Nice natural setting, as per your other sketches. The ending is a little whimper though. Just a couple of things I thought of:

CLAIRE
What do I do if need the loo?

JEAN
Well, there's no urine dye in the kiddies pool, nudge, nudge.

CLAIRE
Nah, I meant number twos.

JEAN
Oh, uhm, kiddies pool as well if you like.

_____________________
JEAN
Well, tell you what, you can take whoever's on duty with you for company. I'm sure nothing will happen while the pool's left unattended.

CLAIRE
It's unlikely isn't it? (PAUSE) Oh, one other thing I should probably mention, I've got a verruca.

JEAN
(INCREDULOUS) Oh my god, get out, get out!

END

I dunno but good luck with it!

ooo, I like the verucca. that made me lol. Thanks!

Oh good. Well I hope something comes of it for ya!

Quote: The Giggle-o @ November 1 2009, 1:14 AM BST

Oh good. Well I hope something comes of it for ya!

View original

Thanks. I'm just looking over old stuff for a new radio opportunity.

I'm afraid the ending is the only bit that really works for me - Jean's attitude seems a bit weird for a supervisor until then.

Quote: Badge @ November 1 2009, 1:20 AM BST

I'm afraid the ending is the only bit that really works for me - Jean's attitude seems a bit weird for a supervisor until then.

View original

I was trying to put across that she doesn;t care about safety of the pool users, only health and safety of the employees.

I think. Long time since I wrote it.

I think my take on it (more recently) is that it can work as an absurd two-hander but it needs Jean to be straight throughout and the applicant to push the boat of absurdity as far as it can go.

Quote: Badge @ November 1 2009, 1:33 AM BST

I think my take on it (more recently) is that it can work as an absurd two-hander but it needs Jean to be straight throughout and the applicant to push the boat of absurdity as far as it can go.

View original

Thanks. I shall think about that.

I'm all right with the original ending myself.

One thing with this sketch and the other one you've just posted - could you be a little more subtle in setting things up? "Hello, you must be Claire the new life guard. I'm Jean your supervisor. Do you have you any previous experience?" sounds forced.

Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ November 1 2009, 11:24 AM BST

I'm all right with the original ending myself.

One thing with this sketch and the other one you've just posted - could you be a little more subtle in setting things up? "Hello, you must be Claire the new life guard. I'm Jean your supervisor. Do you have you any previous experience?" sounds forced.

View original

Too expositional....hmmmm.....I'll have think.

Cheers.