First attempt at a sitcom

This is quite a long scene so congrats if you get to the bottom and survive! Go easy on me but comments would be welcome! Thanks

Here it is:

THE NEWS AND ME.COM
(Pilot)
Steve Whyley
THE NEWS AND ME.COM
INT. THE PETER BOAT (A LOCAL PUB OVERLOOKING THE RIVER THAMES)
(WE'RE AT THE PETER BOAT OUTSIDE OVERLOOKING THE SEA. IT IS STUNNING WEATHER AND THE CAMERA PANS DOWN TO A MAN, STAN BENNETT. THERE IS A WOMAN THREE TABLES AWAY CALLED EMMA AND LOTS OF OTHER TABLES FILLED WITH STUDENTS, BUSINESSMEN AND FAMILIES.)
(STAN IS SMALL, FAT, BALDING AND LOOKS CONSTANTLY EXASPERATED. EMMA IS A LEGGY 30 SOMETHING BLONDE.)
(THE ATMOSPHERE IS CALM BUT NOISY WITH LOTS OF LAUGHTER FROM THE PUB AND THERE IS PROFESSIONAL CHAOS WITH BARMEN BRINGING OUT FOOD.)
TEASER

STAN'S NARRATION

New day today Stan, time to forget her. It has been 4 months, you don't want her back and she ain't coming back. Yes I loved her, lots but that's gone now. Look around you, not all girls are bad. Relationships can have a good ending, I can be happy. Is she looking at me? No, course not. I mean look at her she's an 8.5 and what am I. No Stan, come on, maybe she does like you. Be positive, maybe this one won't sleep around at the first opportunity, maybe she won't break your heart. You have to lose the fear.

(STAN HAS EYE CONTACT WITH THE GIRL FROM 3 TABLES AWAY - EMMA}

(MATT ARRIVES. MATT IS VERY HANDSOME, WELL BUILT, TALL AND HAS AN AURA ABOUT HIM. MATT IS IN A RELATIONSHIP AND IS A MINOR CELEBRITY. HE HAS A VERY POPULAR BLOG ON THE INTERNET GIVING DAILY MUSINGS FROM A MALE PERSPECTIVE ABOUT DATING, FRIENDSHIPS AND OFFERS OPINIONS ON NEWS AND SPORTS STORIES. IT GETS HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF HITS EACH DAY.)

MATT
(LOOKING AT EMMA)

Ratings?

STAN

It's one of those isn't it…Phones out?

(MATT GET HIS PHONE OUT AND WRITES DOWN A NUMBER – 7 - STAN GETS HIS PHONE OUT AND WRITES DOWN AN 8.)

Shall we?

(THEY SHOW EACH OTHER THEIR PHONES)

(EMMA SEES THIS)

MATT

Ah lovely rating, real nice. What is clear is that she's not below a 7, whether she's an 8 is up for debate but I can see why you have done it. I think she's a grower too…the more I look at her the more tempted I am to give her a 7.5. Go over and speak to her!

STAN

No!

MATT

So you're sitting here, unhappy and longing for a girl and you won't go over and speak to her?

STAN

That's correct.

MATT

What's the worst that could happen?

STAN

You clearly don't know me by now, literally anything could happen. I could die, I could literally die. I would go over, I would talk to her, and then Matt, I would die.

MATT

I'm just not sure that's true. At least if that did happen you wouldn't be sitting here moping.

STAN

Moping? What have I got to mope about? Only that my girlfriend cheated on me due to what I can only put down to as my chronic baldness.

MATT

Stan I know and that is why I think you have to get back in the game. I'm not saying go in to a relationship.

STAN

I know

MATT

Ask yourself for a minute how are you going to feel if you ask her, if she says no she says no but it's the first step mate. And if she says yes you would be dating a 7.75

STAN

True, and we both know I really want to move on. I want to, but have I got the bottle?

MATT

You can do this Stan. The Stan I have known for twenty years can do this.

(AN ASIAN BARMAN COMES OVER TO PICK UP THEIR DRINKS, HIS NAME IS TARIQ – HE LOVES NOTHING MORE THAN MOCKING STAN.)

MATT

T my man, what do you think, should he ask that girl out?

TARIQ

What girl?

STAN

Please don't look

(MATT AND TARIQ LOOK AT EMMA – SHE SMILES)

STAN

Thanks guys

TARIQ

Stanley, I'm just a waiter, I have no money, I live with my parents, and my body odour is so bad that I got 3 cans of deodorant for Christmas. I honestly think I have more chance of bagging Brangelina, note that is both Angelina and Mr Pitt, than you do of sealing the deal with that lovely blonde. She could not be more out of your league. 6.5 is your ceiling and she is your classic 8.5.

STAN

Thanks T man. I am glad we come to this pub day after day. Whenever I feel I have a shred of confidence I can be sure that it will be promptly removed by having one swift half here at the Boat.

TARIQ

Hey, you're welcome, that's what I am here for.

MATT

T, 8.5 is too high, 7.75 yes but an 8.5 come on man.

(TARIQ PRETENDS NOT TO HEAR AND WALKS AWAY)

MATT

Love you too T man...Stan, do you like her?

STAN

Did Lionel's 1982 album Truly produce 3 number ones?

MATT

I am going to guess yes...Stan, look no one hates you know who more than me, you know I would do anything to erase that hurt from your past. But I can't. What I can do is get you swinging the bat again. Yes you might miss, yes you might even get out a few times. But don't you want to try and at least see if you can get bat on to ball?

STAN

Well of course I do. I do, I really do.

MATT

Well then…I think you know what you need to do.

(MATT NOTICES A NEWSPAPER ON THE TABLE NEXT TO THEIRS AND THE HEADLINE READS "DEWHURST SAVES ENGLAND")

I still can't get over that goal the other day, I mean the way he struck that free kick… we had lost Stan, and then big Rob Dewhurst stepped up.

STAN

You think she likes me?

MATT

Rob really stepped up. We needed a hero and he delivered big time.

STAN

Matt…does she like me?

MATT

Stan, if she was looking to move and you were selling your house – you would be taking down your 'for sale' sign and she would be moving her furniture in. She just looked at you again!

STAN

I'm going to kill myself.

MATT

This is it Stan. She is such a treat by the way, I am tempted to chuck out an 8. In fact, yes she is an 8.

STAN

What am I going to do?

MATT

Go over…Talk to her.

STAN

I can't Matt; I have an allergic reaction to women.

MATT

Sounds serious…

STAN

It is!

MATT

I bet you five pounds she comes over to talk to you, and I bet you another five that when she does you'll be singing a happy tune for the rest of the day.

STAN

No chance. I will take that bet.

MATT

Get out your chequebook.

STAN

I think I have it in cash. There is not a chance she is coming over.

MATT

Care to double it?

STAN

Double away my good-looking, non-bald friend. I mean look at me.
(STAN POINTS AT HIS BALD HEAD THEN HIS ROUND STOMACH)

And I am 32! She is none of those things. Why oh why would she be interested in a cretin like me?

MATT

You don't get a lot of 'cretin' these days. It's a shame, it's a good word. Stan, at the end of the day you are a great guy. That's what matters. And anyway being bald isn't the handicap it used to be.

STAN

I really do wish I had something going for me; I would pay good money to have hair. I mean very good money.

MATT

How much money are we talking?

STAN

Not silly money but good money.

MATT

Oh yeah there is no need to throw silly money at it I agree.

STAN

I would probably go upwards of 500 but no more than a grand.

MATT
And bear in mind you're also are about to lose a further twenty pounds so to be honest worry about the hair at a later point in your life. If you're still single in ten years and we're still chatting about the hair then probably dip into your savings and see what you can get done.

STAN

Have I done something to you? Have I hurt you? I am in crisis over here… I know I have no chance with hair growth, and I can't attract decent, not even good, but decent looking ladies.

MATT
Stan you don't need hair, you don't need a six-pack, you need a bit of confidence. It's been four months Stan. It's time. And that's rubbish that you can't attract decent looking women. Look at her and look at your history, plenty of nice girls in there. You're just hiding and you know you are…

(TWO BEATS… THE GIRL THEY ARE STARING AT BEGINS TO WALK OVER)

It's showtime!

STAN
(PANICKING)

Matt what do I do?

MATT

I think I'll have it all in fives - crisp fives – unusual, I know… But I like fives.

STAN

Matt!!

MATT

Mate just be yourself, but not too much. You'll be fine. Come on Stan. You can do this.

EMMA

Hi, I'm Emma.

(STAN SPILLS HIS DRINK)

MATT

Hi, I'm Matt and this is Stan.

EMMA

Hi, Stan did you say?

MATT

Yes and I'm Matt.

EMMA

Stan, what a great name.

MATT

Ok, I'm leaving. Matt is leaving.

STAN

Hi, Emma did you say?

(MATT IS LOOKING TO LEAVE THE TWO ALONE AND SO SHOUTS)

MATT

T-MAN, T-MAN

(TARIQ IGNORES MATT)

MATT

Can people not see me?! Ok I'll leave you two alone.

EMMA

Goodbye, nice to meet you…oh sorry I didn't catch your name.

MATT

Hi my name is Thierry, Thierry Henry.

EMMA

You don't look like a Thierry, a Nigel or a Matt maybe, but not a Thierry.

(STAN LAUGHS)

MATT
(BEMUSED)

Ok I'm off… See you later Staneo. Nice to meet you, Emma wasn't it?

(MATT LEAVES)

(CAMERA PANS AWAY AND INTRO MUSIC KICKS IN)

Ok, here goes.

Steve, I like your blogs, but for me the Sitcom is just a sit, in that it is missing the com. While the dialogue flows ok (It came accross very Peep Show) the content for me is just nothing. I felt nothing. I didn't feel any emotion for any character. For me, writing a sitcom is like writing a Pantomime, you need characters that the audience can engage with. Do you love them (Buttons), do you hate them (The Ugly Sisters) do you feel sorry for them (Cinderella)

There are literally thousands of discarded sitcoms that start off with this exact premise. Sad, lonely guy fancies girl, good looking confident guy tries to help out sad, lonely mate. It's just very very predictable and if I'm being absolutely truthful, incredibly unfunny. The only thing I smirked at was the cretin line, which is a decent observation and humerous in itself.

I'd suggest doign a few things. Firstly, ditch this scene completely. Look at something fresh. While you are at it, I'd really consider ditching the two guys narrating thing, it really is too Peep Show, will always be compared to Peep Show and will therefore never get commissioned and never stand up on it's own. If you like the obserational narrating type sit-com then think of something completely fresh. There are an endless amount of possibilities..... A psychiatrists office, we hear what the psychiatrists are saying and what they are thinking etc etc

I said earlier that this is a sitcom that is just a sit. In fairness it's not far off a sit missing the "h"

Good luck with the re-write

The writing, generally speaking, shows potential but the script as a whole needs pruning with a chain saw. There's some nice dialogue here but it's too frequently hidden by excess flab.

Where you have:

MATT

What's the worst that could happen?

STAN

You clearly don't know me by now, literally anything could happen. I could die, I could literally die. I would go over, I would talk to her, and then Matt, I would die.

I'd go:

MATT

What's the worst that could happen?

STAN

I could die, I could literally die. I could go over, I could talk to her, and then I could die.

Also, the idea of two guys habitually rating girls on a scale of 1 to 10 would have been hilarious in the late 1960s but it makes the guys look a bit naff in 2010. The rating idea, however, has another comedic fault in that although it's a perfectly sensible way to rate girls (or anything else, for that matter), it's not a funny way to rate them.

How about having a rating scheme where girls are compared to football teams? A real top-notch cracker could be Man United (or perhaps Chelsea if you're a southern softie) and a serious minger would be Accrington Stanley.

Another (minor) point is - if you won a £5 bet with a friend, would you really expect to be paid by cheque?

Please don't thing I'm slagging you (or your script) off. I'm not. All in all, it's a decent effort that shows potential.

I'm sure other reviewers will soon be along to tell you I'm talking bollocks and they may be right.

Indeed, if this script ever appears on my TV unedited, I'll know they were right.

Yes, ditch the internal monologue, there is not a single joke in there, and it is completely redundant - the exposition is laboured enough without it. There are far too many references to Stan being dumped and not all of them funny.

Otherwise I found it readable, and I rather liked Stan's self-effacing humour, but it does need to be sharper and tighter. Take the "allergic to women" line, it does not go anywhere, it is a set up with no follow through - and you have already covered the same ground in the "I could die" exchange. The end to the banter between Stan and the waiter is a particularly slack, cliched piece of writing.

Obviously I do not how you are planning to develop this, but the initial impression is that you are, as Minty says, ploughing a familiar furrow. However I am great believer that if the execution is original enough - and funny enough - it does not much matter how familiar the premise is. (Production companies might see it differently).

Favourite line: "Be yourself, but not too much".

Don't be too disheartened- there is potential here, and sitcom is a tricky form to master, so look at it as a learning curve.