I've adapted this from a story I'm halfway through. Basically it's my first sketch. No sure if it works as a comedy. Would like some input/suggestions/advice please.
RICHARD – Early Forties thinning hair slightly overweight
POY – Early to mid twenties of Far East descent, very beautiful, slim with long straight black hair, long slender legs and large breasts.
SCENE 1
INT. SMALL BUILDERS SUPPLIES OFFICE. DAY. LATE AFTERNOON.
POY IS WORKING WITH SOME FILES ACROSS THE OFFICE. RICHARD IS ON THE PHONE.
RICHARD
No she's gone! Didn't I tell you Alex? I got rid of the thieving bitch and f**ked off her partner in crime. Pair of them where taking the piss. Nicking anything they could lay their f**king hands on.
(V/O Alex)
You're joking!
RICHARD
No straight up mate. He'd come in order his stuff and she'd only charge him for half of it.
(V/O)
Kin'ell how'd you catch them?
RICHARD
Got one of them CCTV things installed. One day I saw the twat walking out with a bundle of copper piping and a 4 gall tank, checked his invoice, she'd only booked him for the f**king tank.
POY APPROACHES RICHARD SHOWS HIM AN INVOICE WHILE PUSHING HER BREASTS IN TO ARM
POY
(heavy far east accent)Mr Richard what price wrench?
RICHARD
Three-pounds fifty love.
(V/O)
Kin'ell mate you running a brothel as well?
POY GOES BACK TO THE FILING CABINET
RICHARD
No Alex... you arsehole... She's a replacement from the agency, Chinese Japanese or something. (softly) Got a tight arse and f**king amazing tits.
(V/O)
Yeah, you had her yet. Because I know what you're like you f**king rake.
RICHARD
Naw she's only been here two days but I'm working on it mate. Working on it.
(V/O)
I bet you are! Look mate got to shoot, let me know when you get that part in.
RICHARD
What part? The ball-cock or just the cock(starts laughing)
FADE TO SCENE 2
EARLY EVENING - RICHARD IS PUTTING PAPERS IN HIS BREIFCASE AND POY IS PUTTING ON HER COAT
RICHARD
Poy? Are doing anything tonight?
POY
(puzzled) What you mean Mr Richard?
RICHARD
Do you fancy going for a meal or something?
POY
(upbeat)Yeah OK! I only watch crappy TV in crappy flat and eat crappy fry chicken then go bed.
RICHARD
Ookaaay (pause) How do you fancy going to a (mocking)not so crappy restaurant in town and having a good meal for a change and having drink or three in a nice quiet pub?
POY
Yeah that sound good Mr Richard we have good time together and ease stress of working day. You are lovely boss man Mr Richard.
(V/O)
F**king hell I'm in here it's like leading lambs to the slaughter.
RICHARD
Well I like to treat my hardworking staff well and give them what they deserve Poy.
(V/O)
I right good f**king you sexy arsed oriental bitch.
FADE TO SCENE 3
INT. LATE EVENING SMALL ALCOVE IN A BAR. TWO EMPTY PINT GLASSES AND ONE HALF FULL IN FRONT OF RICHARD AND POY IS HOLDING A HALF EMPTY WINE GLASS.
POY
That good meal Mr Richard very nice I enjoy well, better than fry chicken
POY LEANS BACK SMILES AND CROSSES HER LEGS LASCIVIOUSY. RICHARD LEARS FOR A SHORT TIME THEN TAKES ANOTHER DRINK.
RICHARD
Damn! (pause) Poy? I've just realised I've left some paperwork back at the office. You wouldn't want come back with me and help me find them would you?
POY
It very late Mr Richard I need get bus I go flat I go work tomorrow I don't want be late I want come early for you.
(V/O)
That's just what I was f**king thinking love. I'm certain I could help you do that.
RICHARD
Oh that's no problem love. Tell you what. We'll go to the office, I'll find them bleeding papers, you make a coffee and then I'll drive you home in my motor. What do you say Poy? Nice hot coffee and a ride home to your (mocking) crappy flat!
POY
You funny man Mr Richard. Ok
FADE TO SCENE 4.
INT. BACK AT BUILDING SUPLPES OFFICE. FLORECENT LIGHTS FLICKER ON AND RICHARD AND POY WALK IN TO THE OFFICE.
RCHARD
Here we are. You make the coffee Poy, while I find those papers.
POY GOES ACROSS THE OFFICE AND PICKS UP THE KETTLE.
POY
Mr Richard there no water in kettle. I get from closet OK?
RICHARD
Yeah OK you do that love.
POY WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE. RICHARD TURNS ON HIS COMPUTER AND WE SEE A SCREEN SHOWING POY WALKING DOWN A CORRIDOR. WE SEE HER ENTER THE BATHROOM. RICHARD HITS A BUTTON AND THE SCREEN CHANGES TO THE INTERIOR OF THE BATHROOM. NOT A CLEAR SCREEN AS IT IS FUZZY AROUND THE EDGES BUT WE SEE A CLEAR VIEW OF THE TOILET. WE SEE PART OF POY FILLING THE KETTLE AND THEN WALKING OUT. RICHARD THEN TURNS OFF THE SCREEN.
(V/O)
Thought you'd be need a f**king piss after all the bleeding wine you've drunk.
POY WALKS IN TO THE OFFICE WITH THE FILLED KETTLE AND PLUGS IT IN TO THE WALL
POY
(thoughtfully) Mr Richard?
RICHARD IS FLODING PAPERS AND PUTTING THEM IN HIS BREIFCASE
RICHARD
Yes Poy.
POY
How you like it?
RICHARD
Milk and two sugars, I'd have thought you'd have known that by now Poy.
POY
No! Mr Richard. Sex. How you like sex. You f**kie f**kie me no
(V/O)
Kin'ellll you f**king bitch. You must be some kind of mind reading whore.
POY MOVES OVER TO HIM AND PUSHES HER BODY AGAINST HIS AND PLACES HER HAND ON HIS CROTCH.
RICHARD
Well I was going to ask if you fancied a quick shag but... seeing as you've beat me to it Poy.
POY
You want I put cock in mouth Mr Richard? I very good suck girl.
POY BEGINS TO UNZIP RICHARDS FLY AND PUSHES HIM AGAINST A DESK THEN LOWERS HER BODY
RICHARD
Jesus love you don't waste much time.
Poy
I see you look me and you think I good f**k no. I very good f**k Mr Richard. I show you good f**k, you see Mr Richard.
POY TAKES OUT HIS MEMBER AND BEGINGS TO GIVE RICHARD FELLATIO
RICHARD
Ooohh F**king hell girl you know how to please a man.
Poy
I please good no I please many men I good suck yes
THE KETTLE BEGINGS TO BOIL OVER SPLASHING WATER ON TO THE PLUG WHICH CAUSES SPARKS. RICHARD JUMPS TO ONE SIDE AND MOVES QUICKLY TO UNPLUG IT HIS TROUSES STIL AROUND HIS KNEES.
RICHARD
That you do love but I don't want my business to burn down.
WHILE AT THE KETTLE HE NOTICES POYS HANDBAG WHICH IS OPEN AND WE SEE SEVERAL CONDOMS.
(V/O)
F**k me she's a walking Johnny machine!
Poy
I need pee you stay I be back for f**kie f**kie you have good time with me I make you hot like only bad girl can
RICHARD
Yeah ok darling you take your time, I'll be here no fear of that.
POY LEAVE THE OFFICE AND RICHARD MOVES ACROSS TO THE COMPUTER AND TURNS IT BACK ON. WE SEE THE SAME FUZZY EDGES AND A CLEAR VIEW OF THE TOILET. WE SEE THE MOUSE POINTER MOVING AROUND THE SCREEN
(V/O)
Shit! How the f**k do you record on this bleeding thing?
RICHARD FINDS THE RECORD ICON AND CLICKS IT. POY GOES IN TO THE BATHROOM AND WALKS TOWARDS THE TOILET LIFTS THE TOILET LID AND PULLS UP HER SKIRT. SHE THEN PULLS HER TIGHTS AND NICKERS DOWN TO BELOW HER BOTTOM. RICHARDS EYES ARE GLUED TO THE SCREEN.
(V/O)
OH YES, what a peach of a f**king arse. Going to get my nose stuck in their love and no mistake.
RICHARD CONTINUES TO WATCH.
(V/O)
(CONT)well f**king turn round then let the hunter see the beaver. Shit she's standing and pissing at the same time what the f**ks going on??
POY STILL WITH HER BACK TO US STARTS TO SHAKE HER RIGHT ARM AND THEN TURNS ROUND AND TUCKS HER PENIS IN TO HER KNICKERS AND TIGHTS AS SHE PULLS THEM UP. RICHARD FAINTS.
END
Here endeth my first lesson in sketch format.