First scene of a sitcom - 'Wingless'

Hey there, an aspiring would-be-writer here! I've been lurking around the forums for a week or so now and thought I'd post an excerpt of one of several sitcom ideas I'm kicking around at the minute and curry some critique from you fine people.

Here's the excerpt! Let me know anything/everything that springs to mind when you read it. Is it funny? Is it a promising premise? Etc etc, you know the stuff!

SCENE 1. INT. HEAVEN'S PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT - DAY
THE CORRIDOR IS JUST LIKE ANY YOU MIGHT FIND IN AN ORDINARY OFFICE BLOCK, EXCEPT THAT ALMOST EVERYTHING - THE WALLS, THE CEILING, THE DOORS, ETC - IS WHITE.
SEVERAL FIGURES WALK UP AND DOWN THE CORRIDOR, SOME CARRYING PAPERWORK, OTHERS GATHERED AROUND A WATER COOLER CHATTING IDLY. 
ALL OF THEM ARE WEARING WHITE SUITS, SHIRTS AND TIES, ETC. THEY ARE ANGELS. 
SAT OUTSIDE THE OFFICE DOOR MARKED 'METATRON' IS TIM, A YOUNG TWENTY-SOMETHING, SUITED UP LIKE THE REST OF THE ANGELS BUT VERY FIDGETY.
APPARENTLY UNHAPPY WITH THE WAY HE IS SAT, HE ADOPTS VARIOUS DIFFERENT POSES, EACH TIME EQUALLY UNHAPPY WITH THE RESULT. 
HE EVENTUALLY GIVES UP AND LOOKS FOR SOMETHING ELSE TO OCCUPY HIMSELF WITH. HE NOTICES A NEARBY POTTED PLANT AND TENTATIVELY REACHES OUT TO TOUCH IT.
THE OFFICE DOOR SUDDENLY OPENS AND TIM, STARTLED, LEAPS TO HIS FEET.
METATRON, THE VOICE OF GOD, STEPS OUT OF THE OFFICE. HE FLASHES TIM A WARM SMILE.
METATRON
Timothelian, isn't it?
TIM
Yes sir.
METATRON
Right this way.
HE BECKONS TIM INTO HIS OFFICE.
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. INT. METATRON'S OFFICE - DAY
TIM STEPS INTO THE OFFICE, WHICH IS STYLED IN MUCH THE SAME WAY AS A TYPICAL CEO'S STUDY, BUT FOLLOWING THE SAME WHITE COLOUR SCHEME AS THE CORRIDOR.
METATRON GESTURES TO ONE OF THE CHAIRS IN FRONT OF HIS DESK.
METATRON
Please, have a seat.
TIM TAKES THE SEAT, STILL A LITTLE NERVOUS. METATRON SITS AT HIS DESK AND, AFTER CLASPING HIS HANDS TOGETHER, ADDRESSES TIM.
METATRON (CONT'D)
So, Timothelian...
TIM
Tim's fine by the way, sir.
METATRON SMILES.
METATRON
Of course. So Tim, I'm sure you must be wondering why I asked to see you.
TIM
Well it's not every day you get an appointment with the Voice of God.
METATRON GIVES A TOKEN LAUGH.
METATRON
No, I don't suppose it is.
HE TURNS SERIOUS.
METATRON (CONT'D)
Now Tim, you might have heard some whispers lately regarding the human race's worship of our Lord.
TIM LOOKS AT METATRON A LITTLE SUSPICIOUSLY, AS IF HE THINKS IT MIGHT BE A TRICK QUESTION.
TIM
I've heard some rumours.
METATRON
Well the truth is, there isn't as much faith amongst the humans as there was a few hundred years ago. More and more of them are 
turning their backs on the Holy Father.
TIM
I...see. So, what, do you want me to smite a few of them or something?
METATRON GIVES ANOTHER TOKEN LAUGH.
METATRON
Heavens no. There's an app for that these days.
HE PICKS UP A DEVICE OFF HIS DESK AND HOLDS IT UP TO TIM. 
IT IS ESSENTIALLY AN iPOD WITH A CROSS STICKING OUT OF ONE END AND THE WORDS 'iSmite' EMBLAZONED ON THE BACK OF IT.
METATRON (CONT'D)
No, the reason I asked to see you is that, with so little faith coming in these days, the board of archangels 
isn't sure that we can justify the number of angels we currently employ.
TIM
What do you mean?
METATRON
I won't bore you with the details. It's all charts and stuff, to be honest. But basically, to sum up, there are going to have to be redundancies.
TIM
'Redundancies'?
METATRON
Well, redundancy. 
(BEAT)
One.
(BEAT)
You.
THIS HAS A PROFOUND EFFECT ON TIM.
TIM
What! You're firing me?!
METATRON
No no no we're not firing you.
TIM RELAXES.
TIM
Oh.
METATRON
We're just un-employing you.
TIM STRAIGHTENS UP AGAIN.
TIM
What!
METATRON
Calm down, you'll get your job back eventually. Just as soon as mankind's faith in the Lord is restored.
TIM
And how long is that going to take?
METATRON CONSULTS SOME REPORTS ON HIS DESK.
METATRON
Well the predictions from Marketing are very promising. They expect full faith to be restored as soon as the Second Coming.
TIM
The Second Coming? But that's ages away!
METATRON
It's not that long.
TIM
So what am I going to do until then?
METATRON SUDDENLY BECOMES A LOT MORE ENTHUSIASTIC.
METATRON
Ah, well, we've got a delightful project lined up to keep you busy, don't you worry about that.
TIM
And what's that?
METATRON PASSES HIM A PIECE OF PAPER OFF HIS DESK. TIM TAKES IT AND GIVES IT A QUICK SKIM-READ.
TIM (CONT'D)
Community service? On Earth?!
METATRON LOOKS DISAPPOINTED.
METATRON
What, you don't like it?
TIM
No I don't like it! Have you seen what they've done to their planet? I'm not spending the next millennium down there.
METATRON
I'm sorry, but the arrangements have already been made.
TIM
What 'arrangements'?
METATRON PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS iSMITE, AND A TRAP DOOR OPENS UP BENEATH TIM'S CHAIR, SENDING THE UNFORTUNATE ANGEL PLUMMETING DOWNWARDS.

I like it, as far as it goes - especially the iSmite.

The important thing is that, as it stands, it doesn't scream 'rubbish' at the top its voice and that alone sets it above 90% of the sitcom scripts most TV companies receive every week.

Accordingly, it might lead on to a smash-hit sitcom series or it might lead nowhere or it might lead to somewhere in-between.

Keep writing.

Nice premise, nice start.

Would be good to see how this progresses.

Good work

I also enjoyed this. Maybe post some more.

Ditto. Would be interested in reading more.

Quote: JJCrowley @ October 28 2009, 4:41 PM BST

Hey there, an aspiring would-be-writer here! I've been lurking around the forums for a week or so now and thought I'd post an excerpt of one of several sitcom ideas I'm kicking around at the minute and curry some critique from you fine people.

Here's the excerpt! Let me know anything/everything that springs to mind when you read it. Is it funny? Is it a promising premise? Etc etc, you know the stuff!

SCENE 1. INT. HEAVEN'S PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT - DAY
THE CORRIDOR IS JUST LIKE ANY YOU MIGHT FIND IN AN ORDINARY OFFICE BLOCK, EXCEPT THAT ALMOST EVERYTHING - THE WALLS, THE CEILING, THE DOORS, ETC - IS WHITE.
SEVERAL FIGURES WALK UP AND DOWN THE CORRIDOR, SOME CARRYING PAPERWORK, OTHERS GATHERED AROUND A WATER COOLER CHATTING IDLY. 
ALL OF THEM ARE WEARING WHITE SUITS, SHIRTS AND TIES, ETC. THEY ARE ANGELS. 
SAT OUTSIDE THE OFFICE DOOR MARKED 'METATRON' IS TIM, A YOUNG TWENTY-SOMETHING, SUITED UP LIKE THE REST OF THE ANGELS BUT VERY FIDGETY.
APPARENTLY UNHAPPY WITH THE WAY HE IS SAT, HE ADOPTS VARIOUS DIFFERENT POSES, EACH TIME EQUALLY UNHAPPY WITH THE RESULT. 
HE EVENTUALLY GIVES UP AND LOOKS FOR SOMETHING ELSE TO OCCUPY HIMSELF WITH. HE NOTICES A NEARBY POTTED PLANT AND TENTATIVELY REACHES OUT TO TOUCH IT.
THE OFFICE DOOR SUDDENLY OPENS AND TIM, STARTLED, LEAPS TO HIS FEET.
METATRON, THE VOICE OF GOD, STEPS OUT OF THE OFFICE. HE FLASHES TIM A WARM SMILE.
METATRON
Timothelian, isn't it?
TIM
Yes sir.
METATRON
Right this way.
HE BECKONS TIM INTO HIS OFFICE.
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. INT. METATRON'S OFFICE - DAY
TIM STEPS INTO THE OFFICE, WHICH IS STYLED IN MUCH THE SAME WAY AS A TYPICAL CEO'S STUDY, BUT FOLLOWING THE SAME WHITE COLOUR SCHEME AS THE CORRIDOR.
METATRON GESTURES TO ONE OF THE CHAIRS IN FRONT OF HIS DESK.
METATRON
Please, have a seat.
TIM TAKES THE SEAT, STILL A LITTLE NERVOUS. METATRON SITS AT HIS DESK AND, AFTER CLASPING HIS HANDS TOGETHER, ADDRESSES TIM.
METATRON (CONT'D)
So, Timothelian...
TIM
Tim's fine by the way, sir.
METATRON SMILES.
METATRON
Of course. So Tim, I'm sure you must be wondering why I asked to see you.
TIM
Well it's not every day you get an appointment with the Voice of God.
METATRON GIVES A TOKEN LAUGH.
METATRON
No, I don't suppose it is.
HE TURNS SERIOUS.
METATRON (CONT'D)
Now Tim, you might have heard some whispers lately regarding the human race's worship of our Lord.
TIM LOOKS AT METATRON A LITTLE SUSPICIOUSLY, AS IF HE THINKS IT MIGHT BE A TRICK QUESTION.
TIM
I've heard some rumours.
METATRON
Well the truth is, there isn't as much faith amongst the humans as there was a few hundred years ago. More and more of them are 
turning their backs on the Holy Father.
TIM
I...see. So, what, do you want me to smite a few of them or something?
METATRON GIVES ANOTHER TOKEN LAUGH.
METATRON
Heavens no. There's an app for that these days.
HE PICKS UP A DEVICE OFF HIS DESK AND HOLDS IT UP TO TIM. 
IT IS ESSENTIALLY AN iPOD WITH A CROSS STICKING OUT OF ONE END AND THE WORDS 'iSmite' EMBLAZONED ON THE BACK OF IT.
METATRON (CONT'D)
No, the reason I asked to see you is that, with so little faith coming in these days, the board of archangels 
isn't sure that we can justify the number of angels we currently employ.
TIM
What do you mean?
METATRON
I won't bore you with the details. It's all charts and stuff, to be honest. But basically, to sum up, there are going to have to be redundancies.
TIM
'Redundancies'?
METATRON
Well, redundancy. 
(BEAT)
One.
(BEAT)
You.
THIS HAS A PROFOUND EFFECT ON TIM.
TIM
What! You're firing me?!
METATRON
No no no we're not firing you.
TIM RELAXES.
TIM
Oh.
METATRON
We're just un-employing you.
TIM STRAIGHTENS UP AGAIN.
TIM
What!
METATRON
Calm down, you'll get your job back eventually. Just as soon as mankind's faith in the Lord is restored.
TIM
And how long is that going to take?
METATRON CONSULTS SOME REPORTS ON HIS DESK.
METATRON
Well the predictions from Marketing are very promising. They expect full faith to be restored as soon as the Second Coming.
TIM
The Second Coming? But that's ages away!
METATRON
It's not that long.
TIM
So what am I going to do until then?
METATRON SUDDENLY BECOMES A LOT MORE ENTHUSIASTIC.
METATRON
Ah, well, we've got a delightful project lined up to keep you busy, don't you worry about that.
TIM
And what's that?
METATRON PASSES HIM A PIECE OF PAPER OFF HIS DESK. TIM TAKES IT AND GIVES IT A QUICK SKIM-READ.
TIM (CONT'D)
Community service? On Earth?!
METATRON LOOKS DISAPPOINTED.
METATRON
What, you don't like it?
TIM
No I don't like it! Have you seen what they've done to their planet? I'm not spending the next millennium down there.
METATRON
I'm sorry, but the arrangements have already been made.
TIM
What 'arrangements'?
METATRON PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS iSMITE, AND A TRAP DOOR OPENS UP BENEATH TIM'S CHAIR, SENDING THE UNFORTUNATE ANGEL PLUMMETING DOWNWARDS.

View original

I agree with rolyrat & Roodeye! Good work.

Thanks for the replies, folks. It's really appreciated hearing your thoughts.

Ask and thou shalt receive! Below lie a few scenes following the first. After re-reading it I think the lack of constant joke-after-joke might make it more prudent to dub it a 'comedy drama' as opposed to an outright sitcom.

SCENE 3. EXT. KILLICK AND DEAN INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY
THE KILLICK AND DEAN INSURANCE COMPANY IS SITUATED IN AN REGULAR, NORMAL-LOOKING THREE STOREY OFFICE BUILDING. 
AN OLD WOMAN WALKS HER DOG PAST THE BUILDING, NOT GIVING IT A GLANCE, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN AN UPROAR BELLOWS OUT OF THE BUILDING. 
A WOMAN CAN BE HEARD YELLING ANGRILY AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS, AND THE OCCASIONAL SMASH LETS US KNOW THAT THINGS ARE BEING THROWN AROUND INSIDE.
AS THE OLD WOMAN LOOKS ON IN UTTER SHOCK AND CONFUSION, CHLOE WINTERS - A WOMAN IN HER LATE TWENTIES - EMERGES FROM THE OFFICE BUILDING LOOKING ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS. 
SHE MARCHES PAST THE OLD WOMAN WITHOUT SO MUCH AS GLANCING AT HER, AND BEGINS STORMING OFF DOWN THE STREET.
A MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN A SUIT - A TYPICAL BANKER TYPE - HURRIES OUT OF THE BUILDING, ALSO IGNORING THE OLD WOMAN BUT STOPPING NEXT TO HER AND YELLING AFTER CHLOE.
MANAGER
That's coming out of your redundancy pay Chloe!
CHLOE YELLS BACK AT HIM WITHOUT PAUSING OR EVEN TURNING HER HEAD.
CHLOE
Bite me, Trevor!
SHE DIVERTS DOWN THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING.
SHE PASSES A LONG LINE OF WINDOWS, THROUGH WHICH CAN BE SEEN THE VARIOUS EMPLOYEES OF KILLICK AND DEAN GATHERED AROUND AND SURVEYING THE WRECKED REMAINS OF SEVERAL COMPUTERS. 
NONE OF THEM NOTICE HER WALKING PAST.
EXCEPT ONE. BEATRICE - ANOTHER TWENTY SOMETHING - IS SAT LEANING OUT OF A WINDOW HAVING A SNEAKY SMOKE WHILST EVERYONE ELSE IS DISTRACTED BY THE CARNAGE INSIDE.
BEATRICE WATCHES CHLOE AS SHE PASSES BY.
BEATRICE
Going for Trevor's car?
CHLOE
(NOT STOPPING) Yep.
CUT TO:
SCENE 4. EXT. KILLICK AND DEAN CAR PARK - DAY
CHLOE ROUNDS THE CORNER AND ARRIVES AT THE CAR PARK AT THE BACK OF THE BUILDING. 
SHE STOPS AND SETS HER SIGHTS ON ONE CAR IN PARTICULAR. SOMETHING SLEEK, BLACK - A TYPICAL CAR FOR A TYPICAL INSURANCE EXECUTIVE.
SHE BRACES HERSELF, TAKES A DEEP BREATH, THEN WALKS OVER TO THE CAR AND TAKES OUT HER KEYS. SHE REACHES OUT TO BEGIN SCRATCHING INTO THE BONNET, 
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE'S A YELL AND SOMETHING WHITE AND SCREAMING PLUMMETS INTO CAR ROOF, CRUSHING INTO IT COMPLETELY.
CHLOE LEAPS BACK WITH A SMALL SCREAM. A VOICE GROANS FROM OUT OF THE WRECKAGE.
TIM
Ow...
CHLOE
Oh my god!
SHE CLIMBS UP ONTO THE BONNET AND REACHES INTO THE WRECK TO HELP PULL TIM OUT.
TIM
My head...
HE EMERGES FROM THE WRECK AND THE TWO STEP DOWN OFF THE CAR. 
TIM BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN. THERE ARE NO SIGNS OF PHYSICAL HARM ON HIM - HE LOOKS MORE LIKE HE JUST WOKE UP RATHER THAN FELL OUT OF THE SKY INTO A CAR. 
THIS JUST SHOCKS CHLOE EVEN MORE.
CHLOE
Are you...okay?
TIM
Not really.
HE CRICKS HIS NECK.
TIM (CONT'D)
I just got fired.
CHLOE RELAXES.
CHLOE
Oh, yeah me too.
SHE REGAINS HERSELF.
CHLOE (CONT'D)
Wait, you just fell out of the sky!
TIM
Hm? Oh. Er, yeah.
CHLOE
But that's insane! You're not even scratched!
TIM
That's right.
CHLOE
No human being could survive a fall like that!
TIM
No they couldn't.
CHLOE
But you did?!
TIM
Yes I did. But then, I'm not human. I'm an angel. Well, ex-angel.
HE GESTURES TO HIS WHITE SUIT.
CHLOE STARES AT HIM, UTTERLY CONFUSED, BEFORE TAPPING HERSELF SHARPLY ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD.
CHLOE
This is the stress, that's what this is. 
SHE STARTS MUMBLING MORE SUCH WORDS OF REASSURANCE TO HERSELF, AS TIM LOOKS AROUND THE CAR PARK AWKWARDLY. 
AT THE FAR END, A FEW EMPLOYEES BEGIN TO EMERGE FROM THE BUILDING AND STARING IN THEIR DIRECTION, APPARENTLY LURED OUT BY ALL THE NOISE.
TIM
(NOTICING THIS) Er, do you fancy a cup of tea?
CUT TO:
SCENE 5. INT. CAFE - DAY
A WAITRESS SETS DOWN TWO CUPS OF TEA AND A CROISSANT, WHICH TIM PICKS UP AND TAKES A BITE OUT OF. 
WHEREAS HE SEEMS QUITE RELAXED, CHLOE HAS HER HANDS IN HER HEAD, STILL STRESSED OUT.
TIM
Mmm, delicious. I haven't had a pain au chocolat in about two hundred years. Joan of Arc always nabs them at breakfast.
CHLOE
I'm in such deep shit.
TIM
Hm?
CHLOE
Nobody's going to believe that a man fell out of the sky, destroyed Trevor's car then got up and took me for a cup of tea.
TIM
Why not?
SHE LOOKS AT HIM - IS HE ACTUALLY MENTAL?
TIM (CONT'D)
Oh right, the mortality thing, yeah.
CHLOE
(IMPATIENTLY) What? You know what, I don't care.
TIM
So why are you so stressed?
HE TAKES ANOTHER BITE OF THE CROISSANT.
CHLOE
Oh, I don't know, maybe it has something to do with me being fired from my job and now probably facing charges for destroying my boss' car?
THIS PEAKS HIS INTEREST.
TIM
You've been fired?
CHLOE
(IMPATIENTLY) Yes! I said didn't I?
TIM
Why?
CHLOE CALMS DOWN.
CHLOE
I won't bore you with the details. It's all just charts and stuff, to be honest. But basically, to sum up, there 'had to be redundancies'.
TIM GROWS MORE CURIOUS AT HER WORDING.
CHLOE (CONT'D)
Well, redundancy.
(BEAT)
One.
(BEAT)
Me.
TIM
That sucks.
CHLOE
You've no idea.
TIM'S EXPRESSIONS SUGGESTS HE THINKS OTHERWISE.
CHLOE (CONT'D)
So what's with the suit? 
TIM
Hm? What? Oh, all angels wear this. It used to be robes but, you know, twenty-first century and all that.
CHLOE
Yeah, what's with that 'angel' thing? What's it a nickname for?
TIM
It's not a nickname. I am an angel. You know, live in Heaven, worship God, that whole doodah.
CHLOE
Right. But you were 'fired' by 'God'?
TIM
Well, his voice. Don't you believe in God?
CHLOE SHRUGS.
CHLOE
From where I'm standing right now, if he does exist he's not doing a whole lot for me.
TIM SHRUGS.
TIM
He has his off days. But you should have faith, he always does what's best for us in the long run.
CHLOE
Like firing you?
TIM CONSIDERS THIS.
TIM
Point taken.
CHLOE
Look, I don't know if you're an angel or a nutball or just a member of a crazy Christian cult, but I could really use a drink, how about you?
TIM
Sure.
THEY GET UP AND MAKE THEIR WAY OVER TO THE DOOR.
TIM (CONT'D)
I'm Tim by the way.
CHLOE
Chloe.
TIM
Cool.

The exchange:

MANAGER
That's coming out of your redundancy pay Chloe!

CHLOE
Bite me, Trevor!

seems designed, at least in part, to tell us the characters' names.

In particular Trevor's, as he's mentioned by name a few moments later as the owner of the car Chloe is looking for and we need to know 'Trevor' is the guy who's just fired her.

In seems a little contrived to me, and might be done better thus:

MANAGER
That's coming out of your redundancy pay!

TREVOR TURNS TO LOOK AT CHLOE AS SHE FLIPS HIM THE FINGER

We can tell the viewers Chloe's name a few moments later by having her and Tim introduce themselves to each other over their pot of tea.

This line is great:

CHLOE

Are you...okay?

TIM

Not really.

HE CRICKS HIS NECK.

TIM (CONT'D)

I just got fired.

Very funny.

The idea reminds me a little of Little Nicky and perhaps also a bit Dead Like Me. I read somewhere recently that comedies to do with Heaven/Hell and the Devil etc are quite popular at the minute; not sure what that says about the chances of this, but I do like what I've seen so far.

One thing I noticed, you begin a lot of dialogue with the word 'well' - this is an unnecessary filler word and most of the time it would read perfectly fine without it - so get rid.

I'm glad you think it would work better as a comedy-drama because that is the feeling I picked up. It is funny in places and the concept obviously lends itself to humour, but I don't think it sustains enough laughs to constitue being a sitcom.

Good work though, definitely stick with it.

I really liked this premise, and it seems nicely written. Not riotously funny up to this point, but amusing and intriguing. Could either go on to be a sitcom or a comedy drama in my view depending on whether you choose to ramp up the jokes and pace or not. Either way could work.

Eek! Ahh! Finally managed to get on to reply. Laptops do have a habit of waiting until the most inconvenient of moments to blow up on us don't they?

Roodeye: Good catch on that, it works a lot better your way I agree.

Martin H: Ah, I too noticed the abundance of 'well' cropping up in far too many places when I was having another read-through of it. Needless to say I've attacked most of them with a delete key.

Thanks a lot for all the comments, folks.