Another sketch that we think got up its own arse

Shortly after writing my awful caveman sketch
(See 'First sketch I wrote' thread)
My colleague and I wrote this one.
We wore the sheikh of shame together for this.
It was considered too elitist and long winded.:

ESTRAMIR AND CLAM THE OVER EDUCATED TRAMPS

EXTERIOR: DIRTY STREET CORNER
(Estramir and Clam are sat amongst wheelie bins and rubbish and bottles of cheap cider strewn about.
They are arguing and to everyone else they sound completely incoherent. It looks to all intents and purposes that the two are fighting over a half drunken bottle of cheap cider.)

NOTE: This sketch has Subtitles throughout to show their 'real' dialogue.

ESTRAMIR
I feel that you and I differ on some fundamental issues. Would you be so kind as to therefore explain to me your understanding of the word "art", and also do you claim that "modern art" has a separate definition.

CLAM
Art is the means by which we express what it feels like to be mortal and to endure the challenges of life

(Estramir is physically sick attempts to snatch the bottle from Clam)

ESTRAMIR
Do you really believe that today's "modern" art such as Tracy Ermin's latest installation will ever command the same admiration as the classics. I personally believe that it's obscurity would inevitably alienate itself from the masses

CLAM
With the greatest respect my dear Estramir. Look at how many people now visit contemporary and modern galleries. The Tate Modern for example. Is that not a direct illustration of my point contemporary and modern visual art is now rightfully at the centre of our lives.

(Clam scrabbles in some bags and grabs a half decomposed cat to the ordinary observer he then starts to swing the cat at Estramir in an attempt to ward him off.)

Take this expired feline for example. Damien Hurst would emphasise the beauty in an object previously perceived repulsive.

(The two go into another struggle over the bottle, Estramir wins the bottle which is empty. Estramir holds the bottle up to Clam)

ESTRAMIR
And could this simple container, this transparent vessel that once contained the blood o th'grape. Could this be considered beautiful Clam, could it ? Could it ?

(He smashes the bottle over Clams head who falls to the floor unconscious. Estramir stands over him screaming at Clam and the world.)

It was, it f**king was you greedy bastard when it was full.

END

That is a very, very, very good sketch indeed.

It's a funny idea, but would rely heavily on the skill of the director and the performers to make it work.

Quote: Timbo @ October 27 2009, 1:20 PM BST

It . . . would rely heavily on the skill of the director and the performers to make it work.

View original

Never a truer word.

Thanks for the comments. Interesting.
This was a follow up we wrote.
(Think the large Estramir speech needs cutting if subtitled... just too much)

I THINK THEREFORE I AM - CLAM AND ESTRAMIR

EXTERIOR. TRAIN STATION ENTRANCE.
Clam and Estramir are hanging about the entrance to a train station as passengers pass by. They are arguing and to everyone else they sound completely incoherent. It looks to all intents and purposes that the two are fighting over a half drunken bottle of cheap cider. Clam wanders over to Estramir who is laid down in an apparent drunken stupor. He kicks Estramir to get a reaction.

Subtitles show their 'true' dialogue.

CLAM
I think therefore I am ..discuss!

ESTRAMIR
Ah Rene Descartes is it today my dear Clam ? Let me see. Cogito, ergo sum

CLAM
I have convinced myself that there is absolutely nothing in the world, no sky, no earth, no minds, no bodies. Does it now follow that I too do not exist?

ESTRAMIR
No: if I convinced myself of something [or thought anything at all] then I certainly existed. But there is a deceiver of supreme power and cunning who is deliberately and constantly deceiving me. In that case I too undoubtedly exist, if he is deceiving me; and let him deceive me as much as he can, he will never bring it about that I am nothing so long as I think that I am something. So, after considering everything very thoroughly, I must finally conclude that the proposition, I am, I exist, is necessarily true whenever it is put forward by me or conceived in my mind.

CLAM
So my dear Estramir you therefore conclude that I too exist?

ESTRAMIR
You are as real as I dear Clam

CLAM
And my thirst is as real as yours ?

ESTRAMIR
Indeed

CLAM
(holding up an empty bottle of cheap cider)

Then why the fek did you polish this off you greedy bastard?

(Clam continues to kick Estramir to much protestation.)

END

When I run these sketches in my head, they look wonderful and the idea works well on so many levels - not least of which concerns the agile minds so-often imprisoned inside bodies unable to communicate coherent thought to the outside world.

These two characters could easily become a running gag on a sketch show but, as Timbo has so rightly observed, the potential excellence of the sketches would be realised only via the 'right' actors and director.

Thats interesting Roodeye. Thanks! These were omitted from our final sketch show draft because we felt they were a bit to personal and we were worried they didn't translate well on paper. We wrote them as performers and are now thinking of shooting some more demo sketches. My colleague has always had faith in them. I was a tad more hesitent. Maybe we could give them another shot. Watch this space!

Just to throw my two cents in (and make my first post on the forums, having lurked here for the past week or so), I really liked it and yeah - right performers/directors granted, as others said - this could be very funny.

It's very easy to see what you're going for, so if you yourselves are planning on performing it as well, then this would definitely entertain someone like me (up to you how to take that last bit )

I like this concept for a runner. It plays with our preconceptions, which is always a good thing. The two sketches work well too. Just a thought on the first - would it work better if the last 2 lines were swapped with estramir grabbing the bottle in between the lines? At present he seems to answer his own question which seems a bit less logical to me. Of course then Clam ends up with another long bit so maybe I'm talking bollocks.