First sketch I wrote

This is the first sketch I ever wrote. (only started writing about 3 years back)
When I showed this to my friends and colleagues it was hailed as the UNFUNNIEST thing they had ever read.
I myself, have a soft spot for it.
Listen...I have no qualms about hearing negativity. (I was made to sit with a hat on my head which was called the sheikh of shame by my friends after submitting it as an idea...and had to make the tea for a full week)
However, I do still have some fondness for it as it was my first attempt.

PS I have worn the sheikh of shame many times since.

Interested to hear your thoughts.
Here goes :

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CAVEMAN INTERVENTION SKETCH

We see a Caveman sat on a rock, He greets another walking by.

UG1 : Yo

UG2 : Yo, Whats happening ?

UG1 : Just chillin

UG2 : For real

UG1 : What you got there dude

Ug2 has a piece of bark roughly shaped into a skateboard (no wheels)

UG2 : Er I call it a skateboard, see (he steps onto it and trys to skateboard, it shuffles along the rocky ground.) It needs a bit of work, just need to get it to move a bit easier, I've tried greasing it with a bit of animal fat but it needs something more. (UG2 moves on) Later dude.

UG1 : (Frowning in thought) Later

(UG1 looks around his surroundings and his gazes lands on the scene of an old cavewoman shuffling by and muttering, she is carrying a heavy collection of firewood logs, she stumbles and the logs roll – the scene goes into slow motion as UG1 looks on, his eyes narrow and focus on the scene of the old woman scrambling on hands and knees after the rolling logs, the old womans hands are reaching for the logs which are now turning, rolling and gaining speed. the theme from 2001 a space oddity plays and we achieve the sense that UG1 has had a thought that will change forever the course of mankind forever)

CUT TO LATER – We see the two cavemen whooping and cheering and moving at speed presumably atop skateboards on the newly invented wheel.

As the camera pans down we see the boards are both attatched by rope to old cavewomen, struggling to move along on their hands and knees.

END

I'm with your friends

Quote: Leevil @ October 27 2009, 12:10 PM BST

I'm with your friends

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Haaaaa ! My friend is sat here at the moment. He is in hysterics !

I think the basic premise is pretty good actually. Not terribly original, but it's a workable gag.

Well, at least one of us made him laugh.

This is basically very funny.

There are a couple of snags, however (in my view):

Firstly, the idea of olde-worlde characters speaking in modern slang is now pretty much the property of Armstrong and Miller. You'd be accused of nicking 'their' idea.

Secondly, there's too much exposition. Would it not be better to show the viewer what's happening rather than tell him?

In fact, why not do the whole thing without dialogue?

I'd change the skateboard into some sort of rudimentary wheel-less car and have Ug sitting in it, jerking forwards and backwards, trying to make it move.

The rest of the sketch would go as per your original script except the sketch would feature only Ug and the old woman.

Whichever way you decide to go, it's funny.

Roodeye is right, except for the 'olde-worlde characters speaking in modern slang ~ Armstrong and Miller' bit. That's the joke in their sketches, it's not so much here.

But even if you were to do it without dialogue, whilst it would be a perfectly acceptable sketch, I don't think it would be a particularly funny one, it would be something you'd see in a WKD advert or sommink?

But this was your first sketch, and for that. It's pretty good. I have a fondness for my first sketch too, so I know how you feel.

Quote: Dkmj @ October 27 2009, 11:51 AM BST

the theme from 2001 a space oddity plays

View original

Bowie's "ground control to Major Tom" Space Oddity or Strauss's Thus Spoke Zarathustra? Perhaps a fusion of the two would be good?