This is the full script of Oh Henry - which got a bit of interest from a production company and then I rewrote it and it finally got a rehjection. They mentioned longevity and cost as some of the reasons - ( They didn't actually say it wasnt funny) the good news is that I've been told to send over something new.
Anyway full marks to anyone who ploughs though this lot. Sorting out formatting folks.
SCENE 01 CROMWELL'S OFFICE. INT. NIGHT
A small dark Tudor period office, lit by candles in the background a large canvas stands with picture facing away from screen, behind the canvas a fat man dressed as a cardinal (WOLSEY) paces up and down shaking his head with a worried expression on his face. In the foreground a small man dressed in heavy robes of royal Tudor green (CROMWELL) writes on parchment with a quill. Piles of parchment are all very neat.
CROMWELL
(Whispering to Camera)
Disaster has struck. The King's portrait is finished.
WOLSEY
(Shaking his head vigorously)
No, no, no.
CROMWELL
This is man who commissioned it. My master, His Grace, the Cardinal Wolsey, chief advisor to the King and leading contender to be the next Pope.
WOLSEY
Jesus Christ, No!
CROMWELL
However, some of His Grace's methods may be a little, shall we say, unconventional, for the big cheese position at the Vatican. I'm not complaining mind. My work pays very well and offers lots of scope for, umm, shall we say, additional revenue streams.
WOLSEY
(Shaking his head again)
No, no, SWIVE'N HELL no!
CROMWELL
Last Sunday he managed to get thirteen swives into his sermon. An official record. Even for a cardinal. <BEAT> As you may have guessed, he is not best pleased with the finished masterpiece.
Cromwell stands and walks over to Wolsey
CROMWELL
It's a very good likeness of His Majesty, your Grace.
WOLSEY
Bugger It Cromwell! I can see it's a good likeness. But why pay for the greatest portrait painter in Europe if all you get is a bloody good likeness?
CROMWELL
Forgive me Your Grace. Isn't that the general idea of a portrait?
WOLSEY
Don't be such a numpty man! What about stretching the bounds of creativity? Where's the ingenuity? I expected some flamboyance, you know, a certain panache.
Wolsey Points to the picture.
This portrait depicts the King of England, his majesty Henry VIII. The King should be big, bold and powerful. It should look like his royal testicles are the size of cannonballs. The image should roar off the canvas like a lion (roars like a lion) but look at it, it's more like ohhhhhhh!
View of portrait of very thin pathetic looking man dressed as Holbein's portrait of Henry VIII.
CUT TO:
SCENE 02 THE THRONE ROOM. INT. DAY
Close up of King Henry VIII on the throne in the same pose as the portrait. Henry is looking bored. Period music is playing and a small group is dancing in the Tudor manner. Wolsey stands behind the throne. A young, attractive blonde girl (ANNE)enters the room with a handsome young man (GEORGE). Henry takes immediate interest in the new arrivals.
HENRY
Whom pray is that little minx over there?
WOLSEY
That, Your Majesty, is the Lady Anne Boleyn.
HENRY
What? No! Not the tart Wolsey. The fine looking stallion at her side.
WOLSEY
Umm, her brother. Sir George.
HENRY
He looks a lusty young buck!
Henry leaps up and approaches George and Anne. They bow.
GEORGE + ANNE
Your Majesty.
Henry's sole focus is on George.
HENRY
Sir George. Welcome to my court. How fairs your father's health?
George and Anne exchange nervous glances.
GEORGE
You had him executed three years ago Your Majesty.
HENRY
Ah..Did I? So many names… I thought I hadn't seen him for a while.
ANNE
Well he finds it hard to get out now he doesn't have a head.
GEORGE
Your Majesty may I present my sister the Lady Anne.
George gives Anne's hand to Henry who kisses it without removing his eyes from George.
HENRY
So Georgie, tell me do you joust?
GEORGE
Indeed I do.
HENRY
You must look splendid all clad in lovely shiny armour.
GEORGE
Well umm…
HENRY
And I expect you win more than you lose, do you not?
GEORGE
I hold my own Your Majesty. Yourself?
HENRY
Ohhhh Georgie, only as a last resort.
Henry slaps George playfully on the arm. Trumpets ring out.
HEARLD
Her Majesty, Queen Katherine.
HENRY
Oh God, the wife.
A dark haired, buxom beauty dressed in white appears.
KATHERINE
Olla, Henry.
HENRY
Kat, my love, may I present the Lady Anne.
Anne curtsies, Katherine ignores her and starts looking George up and down. Anne beings to look indigent at lack of attention.
KATHERINE
Who are you Senor?
GEORGE
Sir George Boleyn, Your Majesty. Lady Anne's brother.
KATHERINE
(Walks around George running her finger round his shoulders)
You seem very big and strong Senor.
GEORGE
Umm, well thank you my Queen.
KATHERINE
In my country a man like you be a fine bull, a bull, bull umm umm zi English word disappear. Wait umm I think..
ANNE
Shi…
KATHERINE
FIGHTER! A bull fighter. A matador. In the ring performing. Delighting the sonorities with your bravery and daring, you send them all wild with lust.
George looks worriedly at Henry, but he seems oblivious to this exchange.
GEORGE
I see. That's umm umm nice to know.
KATHERINE
I'll see you later Senor. Si?
Katherine leaves and goes and sits on her throne.
HENRY
Crazy woman. Spanish. Country of nutcases. I mean the inquisition for heaven's sake, insane people. Aragon? Have you heard of Aragon? No? No one has, I don't even think it exists. Guess what the mad witch has on her coat of arms?
GEORGE
I have no idea Your Majesty.
HENRY
Oh play along Georgie. Guess.
GEORGE
I'd rather not.
HENRY
(In a sinister voice)
I insist.
GEORGE
In which case. A lion?
HENRY
Wrong! Guess again.
GEORGE
An eagle?
HENRY
Nope! Third time lucky?
ANNE
An aardvark?
HENRY
(Gives Anne a funny look)
No.
GEORGE
You're going to have to tell us.
HENRY
A pomegranate!
GEORGE
Maybe she likes fruit salads?
HENRY
My brother never got on with her either. He was wise enough to get out the marriage mind.
GEORGE
But he died.
HENRY
Oh Yes.Very clever man my brother. Now Georgie, you must enter the tournament tomorrow. We can get a little practice shortly. You must be careful with me mind, I shouldn't like to feel your sharp end. Well <beat> maybe later.
ANNE
What's a pomegranate?
CUT TO:
SCENE 03 CROMWELLS OFFICE – INT – NIGHT
Wolsey and Sir George enter – Cromwell as normal is writing at his desk.
WOLSEY
Cromwell, where the hell have you been?
CROMWELL
Umm here Your Grace sharpening my quills, I'm just working on the execution warrants.
WOLSEY
Execution warrants! Apart from mass my favourite time of the day. How many do we have today?
CROMWELL
Just the one. Lord Herbet of Cockermouth.
Hands Wolsey the warrant.
WOLSEY
Hebbie? What's the young rascal been up to now?
CROMWELL
He's a heretic Your Grace.
WOLSEY
Heresy? Jesus Christ! There's a lot of it about. With all this madness going on I sometimes think there can't possibly be a god.
Wolsey signs the warrant and puts in back on Cromwell's desk on the wrong pile.
CROMWELL
(Changing the paper to the right pile)
Wrong pile your Grace. That's Mondays burnings that one. Lord Herbert's scheduled in for Saturday. He'd hate to miss it due to a simple administration error, bigger crowd on a Saturday you see.
WOLSEY
What?
CROMWELL
Look after your paperwork and it'll look after you my old ma said.
WOLSEY
Cromwell, in the name of Beelzebub, does it really matter? He's going to be bloody dead.
CROMWELL
Well it's just that he had be promised a Saturday. I hate to let the man down. He's determined to go out in a blaze of glory.
Polite coughing from Sir George.
GEORGE
The matter in hand, your Grace?
WOLSEY
(nods)We have a matter to discuss with you Cromwell. A secret matter. You understand?
Cromwell looks distraught and raises his hands in a surrender gesture.
The future of England lies in the balance. There is, at present, no male heir. It seems the Queen isn't capable of producing male children.
CROMWELL
Ah….very clever. Putting the blame on the Queen.
WOLSEY
What do you mean?
CROMWELL
Isn't it obvious?
WOLSEY
Isn't what obvious?
CROMWELL
His Majesty's inclinations.
WOLSEY
Inclinations? His bed is on an incline?
CROMWELL
Not really want I was thinking.
WOLSEY
Stop taking in riddles man.
CROMWELL
The King has no interest in women.
WOLSEY
PIFFLE! I'll put you in the pile for Saturday with talk like that. The King, and I know this for a fact, has regular visits in his chambers from the ladies that perform in the court plays.
CROMWELL
Your Grace? There are no ladies in plays. The ladies are, in fact, all young men dressed up!
WOLSEY
POPPYCOCK! You stupid dumbtrugg Cromwell. I know some of those ladies from umm personal experience. They're wonderful delicate creatures <BEAT> although one did give me stubble rash once.
GEORGE
GENTLEMEN! Please. Listen. What is certain is that England needs a male heir. And this royal union of King and Queen is not going to provide it.
CROMWELL
So just what is being proposed?
WOLSEY
Arouse the King's interest in another maiden. A younger maiden. One ideal for bearing children, like Sir George's sister, Lady Anne.
CROMWELL
(Nodding)A fine piece of nepotism.
GEORGE
Don't be so disgusting man!
CROMWELL
Aren't you both forgetting a key point? The King IS married. Any child by a mistress will be a bastard!
WOLSEY
Of course I haven't forgotten, I'm not a moron man! We simply need to dispose of Queen Katherine and then the King can remarry.
CROMWELL
Out the way? Send her to Cornwall?
WOLSEY
(Whispering) Assassination!
CROMWELL
YOUR GRACE! That's, that's umm lets say, murder! NO! I can be no part of this.
GEORGE
How does forty thousand sovereigns sound?
CROMWELL
Forty thousand? Interesting? I could buy the whole of Essex for that.
GEORGE
That's a lot of land.
CROMWELL
It's a lot of sex.
WOLSEY
And lets put it this trugging way Cromwell, if you don't help you might mind yourself working at one of my missions down at Cheapside. The plague is just starting to get hold there I hear.
CROMWELL
(Big smile) So..what's the plan?
GEORGE reaches under his robe and pulls out a fuse.
GEORGE
Tomorrow at the tournament the Queen will be alone in the royal stand watching the King fighting. Under the enclosure will be a barrel of gun powder. A barrel that is attached to this fuse. Once the fuse is lit – one hour later…
WOLSEY
She's going to experience one hell of a big bang.
CROMWELL
It wouldn't be the first time!
CUT TO:
SCENE 04 THE THRONE ROOM INT. NIGHT
Henry is sat on his throne alone, drumming his fingers on the arm rest. Cromwell walks past outside.
HENRY
Cromwell, pop in here a mo will you.
Cromwell turns, enters the throne room and bows to the King.
CROMWELL
How might I help your majesty?
HENRY
You're a man of the world Cromwell are you not?
CROMWELL
(Gives Henry a strange look) If you say so my Lord.
HENRY
Wolsey tells me you're as slippery as a wiggerly eel.
CROMWELL
A mere student to His Grace's teachings.
HENRY
Well, I am in need of your talents.
Henry places a hand on Cromwell's shoulder and he jumps a mile.
It's lonely being King. No one understands. I need a friend Cromwell. A special friend.
CROMWELL
Really?
HENRY
Someone to keep me company, someone I can unload my burdens to, someone to keep me warm at night
CROMWELL
Well I am honored Sire don't get me wrong. But I don't think it appropriate. I mean, I'm just the son of a lowly butcher and you're…
HENRY
Oh god, relax man, not you.
CROMWELL
(Looking up to heaven) Thank you.
HENRY
I'm not that desperate.
Cromwell gives an indignant look.
No I'm smitten. I've fallen for a divine creature, perfect in every possible way.
CROMWELL
Ah, matters of the heart. Whom pray is the lucky young maiden.
HENRY
Sir George.
CROMWELL
(Splutters)Sir George?
HENRY
I want you to help me woo him.
CROMWELL
Woo him? You Majesty.
HENRY
Oh don't pretend to be so innocent with me. A man in your position gets around does he not?
CROMWELL
Clearly not to the places that you do Your Majesty. I've been known to frequent certain, shall we say, establishments, in Cheapside but I have no experience in matters such as this.
HENRY
Would 50,000 sovereigns help?
CROMWELL
50,000? I could buy Sussex for that.
HENRY
It's a lot of land.
CROMWELL
It's a lot of sex actually.
HENRY
Well Cromwell? Are you going to help your lonely King?
CROMWELL
It's just that my expertise doesn't offer much to this, shall we say, situation.
HENRY
Do your slippery ways extend to saving yourself from losing your head?
CROMWELL
Well as you put it that way. I'm pretty sure I could come up with something.
Henry stands and goes to chest behind the throne and gets out four big bags of money and puts them on the table and stares at Cromwell intently after a short pause Henry raises his hand in an expectant gesture.
Oh? Now, Your Majesty?
HENRY
Well I am very lonely. And the executioner has a very slack day tomorrow. So yes!
CROMWELL
Well. <BEAT> I think. Umm, umm. <BEAT> The joust! Yes the joust.
HENRY
What about it Cromwell?
CROMWELL
You impress Sir George at the joust.
HENRY
Yes! That's it.<BEAT> How?
CROMWELL.
A hero. Everyone loves a hero. You fight and beat the Black Knight.
HENRY
The Black Knight! The Black Knight from Lyon?
CROMWELL
The very same.
HENRY
But he's the champion of Europe! Unbeaten in 150 jousts. He's killed 120 of those poor opponents.
CROMWELL
That's the fella.
HENRY
EXECUTIONER!
CROMWELL
No wait. You see we'll, shall we say, sweeten the deal a little.
HENRY
What?
CROMWELL
We nobble him! Fix the draw and slip him, shall we say, five thousand sovereigns. The victory is yours.
HENRY
Umm…not bad. Not bad at all.
CUT TO:
SCENE 06 CROMWELL'S OFFICE – INT – NIGHT
Cromwell is writing with his quill on parchment. A loud clacking is heard outside. The Black Knight appears in a full suit of black armour. He doesn't remove his helmet throughout the scene, hence his voice is always muffled.
CROMWELL
Bonjour Monsieur Noir.
BLACK KNIGHT
Be quick. I need to visit the privy, taking this crap off is a nightmare.
CROMWELL
I can imagine.
BLACK KNIGHT
I used to leave it too late with me old armour. Me rivals kept calling me the brown knight.
CROMWELL
You don't sound very French Monsieur? I thought you were from Lyon.
BLACK KNIGHT
Nah. Just a story I weave to add a bit a glamour, always adds a bit to my appearance fee.
CROMWELL
So where are you from?
BLACK KNIGHT
Dagenham.
CROMWELL
I see. Well, Monsieur Noir, your appearance fee is about to go up very considerably.
BLACK KNIGHT
Cos I'm from Dagenham?
CROMWELL
No, although I understand that must be difficult for you. No. It's because I need you to do a little something for me.
Cromwell throws a sack of money on the table.
BLACK KNIGHT
How much?
CROMWELL
Three thousand sovereigns.
The Black Knight reaches for the money. Cromwell's hand gasps the Knight's and he gives him a searching look.
Let me explain what I need you to do.
SCENE 07 QUEEN KATHERINE'S BEDCHAMBER. INT. NIGHT.
Katherine is in a soapy bath in front of a roaring fire. A muscular man dressed in just shorts has his head and his hands under the water at the foot of the bath. Katherine is giggling with a dreamy look on her face.
KATHERINE
You find it Hancock? Si?
Man's head appears out of the water.
HANCOCK
No my lady – it seems to have disappeared.
Katherine opens her to revel bar of soap.
KATHERINE
Miranda! It was here all along. (grins)
Knock on the door and Hancock answers
HANCOCK
Mister Cromwell, Your Majesty.
Cromwell enters the room and looks uncomfortable with the situation as Katherine is soaping herself.
CROMWELL
You sent for me Queen Katherine.
KATHERINE
Oh Cromwell, Gracias! I need help.
CROMWELL
Delighted to assist in anyway Madam.
KATHERINE
Cromwell, I'm a woman am I not. Si?
CROMWELL
Most certainly my lady.
KATHERINE
Women like me…passionate women Cromwell. We ave certain needs. Certain as umm umm as you say deserts. You understand si?
CROMWELL
Not completely. Do you want more apple pie?
KATHERINE
Zi King apprentio, he no capable of satisfying a real woman. <BEAT> Any woman!
CROMWELL
That can't be true. I know the King has his few odd ways <BEAT> well more than a few. But surely you slept together on your wedding night?
KATHERINE
Si.
CROMWELL
So what's the problem.
KATHERINE
That's all we did. Sleep.
CROMWELL
But you have a daughter. The Princess Mary.
KATHERINE
Si. A little indiscretion, a minor mistako. But it was only to maintain zi picture…for the sake of zi King's umm umm English word.
Katherine makes cupping shape with hand.
What you say? Umm bowls! For the sake of the King's bowls!
CROMWELL
(shocked)So whom pray is the father?
KATHERINE
One of zi guard company.
CROMWELL
Which one?
KATHERINE
Well…I not exact know. But one for sure <BEAT> or one of the stable boys. Si?
CROMWELL
(Makes the sign of the cross) Dear God.
KATHERINE
Oh Cromwell. You're a man of zi world. You know what I want…will you help your Queen get it? Si?
CROMWELL
It? Majesty?
KATHERINE
Young Senor George. Just the sort of man to warm my heart <BEAT> and other things. Si?
CROMWELL
But the King?
KATHERINE
Violent times Cromwell. Zi King maybe meet a nasty accident one day. Then I be free. Si?
CROMWELL
(Horrified)What Your Majesty asks is Treason. I'll be bloody quartered and my arse nailed up over the gates.
KATHERINE
And it is such a pretty arse. Si!
Katherine rises her leg in a seductive manner and soaps it.
When done, a sum of seventy thousand sovereigns plus your expenses for your trouble? Si?
CROMWELL
Seventy thousand? I could buy Wessex for that.
KATHERINE
It's a lot of…
CROMWELL
I know, I know it's a lot of land.
KATHERINE
Bugger the land. It's a lot of sex.
CROMWELL
Well quite!
Katherine rises her another leg and starts soaping.
KATHERINE
When Henry is dead Princess Mary will be Queen. I will be zi regent and you will have much favour and an Earldom. Si?
CROMWELL
Si Madam. I will arrange everything. I will need twenty thousand in advance, for the necessary expenses.
KATHERINE
No Problems. Do not let me down, I would hate for the King to find out you have been umm umm English word? Plopping! You have been plopping against him.
Hancock appears with a large bag of money. Cromwell bows and leaves. Katherine drops the soap in the water.
KATHERINE
Oh Hancock, I've dropped zi soap again.
Hancock puts his hands under the water and Katherine giggles.
SCENE 01/05 – THE DUNGEON. INT
A small dark, damp room with various pieces of torture equipment lay around the room. The painting of Henry is set up in the middle. A short squat, ugly man (GRIP) is holding a man's head in barrel of water (HOLBEIN). Wolsey is pacing up and down. He nods and Grip releases Holbein.
WOLSEY
So Herr Holbein, let us discuss art.
HOLBEIN
Yes vat about it?
Wolsey hammers the canvas with a stick.
WOLSEY
This piece of TRUGGING FANTASY!
HOLBEIN
Fantasy? Sis is one of my greatest works.
WOLSEY
You brainless Bavarian. This looks nothing like his majesty!
HOLBEIN
Sis painting is han excellent likeness of Henry.
Grip strikes Holbein around the face.
GRIP
YOU LYING WEASEL!
WOLSEY
King Henry is a big, powerful, colossus of a man!
Wolsey hits the canvas again.
Look. You have painted some kind of frail wood nymph!
HOLBEIN
My eyes do not deceive me. I paint what I zee.
Grip strikes Cromwell round the face again.
GRIP
You sausage scoffing nave.
Grip grabs a red hot poker from the fire.
We might have to help your eyes see things our way.
WOLSEY
Herr Holbein, This portrait of yours will be seen all over Europe. What will
happen when the French see it?<BEAT> I'll tell you what! They'll see King Henry as weak and pathetic. And then they'll be invading as quickly as you can say layderhosen.
HOLBEIN
But Henry is veak and pathetic!
Grip slaps him round the face once more.
GRIP
YOU WORM. Let me finish him off Your Grace.
WOLSEY
(Sinister voice)If you see King Henry as such Herr Holbein. I can only assume one thing <BEAT> Witchcraft!
GRIP
(Screaming Hysterically)A WITCH!…burn him, burn him.....to the stake!
HOLBEIN
But I'm vegetarian!!
Wolsey grabs the paintbrushes and hands them to Holbein
WOLSEY
Now then Herr Holbein. I am seeing a tall, broad, commanding King of England.
Grip dances around waving the red hot poker as Holbein begins to paint.
CUT TO
SCENE 08 – CROMWELL'S OFFICE – INT – DAY
Cromwell is writing in his office, hears heavy clanking coming his way. The Black Knight appears again in full armour so his voice is muffled.
BLACK KNIGHT
What now? The tournament starts in two hours, it takes almost as long to get on me horse.
CROMWELL
Change of plan. Now I need you to win your joust and you need to ensure that your opponent does not, shall we say, live to fight another day.
BLACK KNIGHT
What? My opponent is the King! I'll be chuffing well hung, drawn and quartered.
CROMWELL
I think not! Killing an opponent in the joust is not a punishable offence – everyone who enters the tournament knows the risks.
BLACK KNIGHT
But he's the King! It's just not right.
Cromwell slams a big sack of money on the table.
CROMWELL
This sack of money says it is!
BLACK KNIGHT
How much?
Cromwell looks round and lowers his voice in case someone is listening.
CROMWELL
Seventeen Thousand!
BLACK KNIGHT
I think you might be right.
The Black Knight nods and his gauntleted hand grabs the money.
CUT TO
SCENE 09 THE TILT YARD –EXT. DAY
Cromwell approaches the royal enclosure a lit torch in his hand. It's bright sunshine. Two guards stand at the foot of the enclosure.
GUARD
Halt! Where are you going?
CROMWELL
To inspect the Royal enclosure for their Majesties, my good man.
GUARD
With a lit torch?
CROMWELL
I need enough light to see!
The guard looks up at the bright sun and eyes Cromwell in a suspicious manner.
Look we might have an eclipse! Stand aside.
The guard nods and Cromwell slips under the canvas structure. Underneath a barrel of gunpowder sits expectantly with a long fuse going round the floor.
CROMWELL.
Think of the money. Think of the money. May God forgive me!
Cromwell lights the fuse.
CUT TO:
SCENE 10 – THE THRONE ROOM – INT, DAY
There are long tables set up in a U shape. Henry (clad in gold armour) and Katherine are at the head table, Wolsey, Cromwell and various extras are sat on one of the others and Anne with other ladies is sat on the other there is an empty place beside her. They are all dining. Henry is picking at his plate while Katherine, is tucking into hers with glee, she bites off a bit of a chicken leg and tosses the rest on the floor. Henry looks at her with a certain amount of distaste.
HENRY
Lady Anne, where's your brother?
ANNE
Privy.
HENRY
I'm the King, I insist you tell me.
ANNE
In the Privy. He always gets nervous before the joust.
Huge cascade of water goes past the window.
See. He'll be down in a minute.
Loud clunking and Sir George appears. He is in armour and has a massive oversized cod piece. Henry and Katherine's eyes both light up when they see the cod piece.
HENRY
Hello Georgie.
KATHERINE.
Hoooooooooola Senor.
GEORGE
Your majesty, before the tournament I must have your permission to speak.
HENRY
Oh yes. Please speak Georgie. Your voice is like noney to my ears.
GEORGE
Your Majesty, I believe that you're planning on fighting the Black Knight.
There is an audible gasp in the room and Wolsey almost chokes on a chicken leg and leaps up.
WOLSEY
The Black Knight? Are you mad Your Majesty?
HENRY
(Full of boldness) Not at all.
GEORGE
But Your majesty. The Black Knight is ruthless, he doesn't just beat his opponents he tears them apart.
WOLSEY
You'll be bloody well killed. Where would that leave England <BEAT> more importantly where would it leave me?
HENRY
I think not.
GEORGE
But the Black Knight is unbeaten Sire.
HENRY
That is because he is yet to fight me Georgie.
Henry stands and revels that he has an even bigger cod piece than Sir George. The whole room gasps.
I am the King of England. I am appointed by God himself to rule this land, no one can be my equal. I am fearless in the face of danger. For the honor of my country I will face the Black Knight and I will defeat him.
GEORGE
You are indeed brave Your Majesty, I am humble to be your loyal subject.
George bows, turns and leaves the throne room. Henry gives a big wink to Cromwell.
WOLSEY
Well I still think you're a trugging nutcase…Your Majesty.
Katherine rises
KATHERINE
No! My usband is zi bravest man in the country! He will fight the Black Knight and Senor Cardinal he will die..no sorry, zi English he will win. Si Henry?
HENRY
Indeed.
KATHERINE
I will go now to watch zi contest. Mistress Anne, I wish not to be alone. You accompany me and tell me about Senor George.
Wolsey coughs and chokes on his ale.
WOLSEY
You're taking Mistress Anne with you? In the Royal Enclosure?
KATHERINE
Si.
WOLSEY
But no..You can't because…
KATHERINE
I am Queen. I do as I like Si? In fact Cardinal you come too. I would like you to get a front row seat.
WOLSEY
ME? No I certainly couldn't do that I've got things…
HENRY
Of course you can Wolsey, I insist. Go with the Queen and see me claim my victory.
Wolsey leans and speaks to Cromwell in a hushed voice.
WOLSEY
Help me Cromwell.
CROMWELL
Sorry?
WOLSEY
I'm going to get blown to smithereens! I need help. Five Thousand – it's yours.
CROMWELL
Shall we call it ten your grace? Five is such a nasty odd number.
WOLSEY
Yes. Ten. Whatever? Just save me!
CROMWELL
Leave it to me Your Grace.
KATHERINE
Come on Cardinal. Senor Cromwell why don't you come as well?
Cromwell and Wolsey stare at each other horrified.
HENRY
Umm No Katherine, I need a private word with Cromwell. Come now off you all go. Your hero needs to prepare.
Everyone leaves the throne room except Henry and Cromwell.
You have arranged everything Cromwell?
CROMWELL
Oh Yes, Your Majesty. Everything is arranged for my…our benefit.
HENRY
Excellent Cromwell, I think the time has come for me to go and impress young Georgie with my bravery.
Henry clunks down his visor and starts walking out of the throne room. He steps and slips on Katherine's discarded chicken leg and falls in a heap. Cromwell leaps to the King's assistance. Henry sits up and tries to stand.
CROMWELL
Your Majesty! Are you alright?
HENRY
Ohhh, my poor little back. I've pulled it.
Henry try's to stand again and holds his back.
CROMWELL
Careful! Majesty.
HENRY
Swive alive!It really hurts.
CROMWELL
Come on Your Majesty, the tournament is about to start.
HENRY
The tournament? If I can't stand, how am I going to get on a horse?
CROMWELL
You've got to! It's all been arranged. Come on Sire I'll help.
Put's his hands under the Kings arms and trys to lift.
CROMWELL
Trugg Me! How much does this stuff weigh?
HENRY
It's no good! Oh why does everything go wrong for me. Georgie is outside waiting for me to become a hero. Then he'd just melt into my arms. It's not fair…Cromwell. <beat>Cromwell?
CROMWELL
Majesty?
Henry starts pulling off his armour.
HENRY
Put this on quick.
CROMWELL
Why?
HENRY
Because you are going to take my place.
CROMWELL
WHAT? NO! MAJESTY, I can't!
HENRY
Why?
CROMWELL
It's the Black Knight.
HENRY
But he's been nobbled!
CROMWELL
(wailing) I know!
Henry pushes the helmet down on over Cromwell's head
HENRY
So what's the problem?
CROMWELL
Everyone will know I'm not you.
HENRY
In the armour? I think not.
Henry slams the visor down over Cromwell's face.
CROMWELL
I need the privy!
CUT TO:
SCENE 11. THE TILT YARD – EXT DAY
The Royal Enclosure is a canvas structure on stilts. There is the royal standard flying from the top. Inside sit Katherine, Anne and Wolsey. Flags line the tilt yard which is filled with an excited crowd. Wolsey is looking very nervous and is looking for Cromwell.
KATHERINE
Clam down Senor Cardinal. All zis tension, you look like you're about to explode.
WOLSEY
Don't say things like that!
Shot of the fuse slowing burning down to the barrel of gunpowder.
KATHERINE
What are you looking for Senor?
WOLSEY
Cromwell. He has a bit of a complex problem that he needs to defuse.
KATHERINE
More underhand dealings Si?
WOLSEY
From me, Majesty?
Another shot of the fuse
KATHERINE
One day it all blow up in your face. Si?
WOLSEY
Will you stop saying these things!
ANNOUNCER
Your Majesty, Lords, Ladies, Gentleman and Peasant Scum. We now come to the main event of the day.
Loud cheers.
Will you please welcome, all the way from Lyon. Weighing in at 700 pounds in his armour, The undefeated champion of Europe. The legendary Black Knight!
Loud cheers, the Black Knight appears on a massive black charger. A girl runs from the crowd and puts a large garland around his lance.
ANNE
Oh, isn't he big Your Majesty?
KATHERINE
A word of warning young lady. In my experience it's never as impressive once you get their armour off! Si?
Shot of the fuse again.
WOLSEY
(Standing)You know I really should go and prepare for mass Your Majesty.
KATHERINE
Stay where you are Senor.
WOLSEY
Yes Majesty.
ANNOUNCER
And now the challenger. His Royal Majesty King Henry VIII of England, Defender of the Faith.
Cromwell, appears in the Kings armour, on a much smaller horse than the Black Knight. His Lance is also far shorter. He struggles to get his horse to move, he kicks it with his spurs.
CROMWELL
Bloody Horse.
He kicks it again and the horse rears up and Cromwell falls off. The crowd gasp. The bookmaker on the side immediately changes the odds on a deception death for the King to even money. George and an attendant rush to help Cromwell back on the horse.
GEORGE
Come on Your Majesty, I know you can do this.
Cromwell mounts the horse in the most ungainly fashion and looks complete ill at ease.
Do it for England Sire!
Cromwell can only nod. George moves off as trumpets sound.
ANNOUNCER
Knights READY.
CROMWELL
This is it.
ANNOUNCER
STEADY.
CROMWELL
I didn't want to live anyway. It's a cruel, hate filled world.
ANNOUNCER
CHARGE.
The Black Knight starts thundering towards Cromwell. Cromwell's horse doesn't move. He tries kicking it.
CROMWELL
Trugging Horse!
Cromwell gives it another kick and nothing. George rushes over and slaps the animal on the rear. It suddenly charges off down the run completely out of control. A loud wailing is heard from Cromwell. Cromwell hangs on for dear life it crashes through the flags, they trail behind his lance and he charges straight through the bottom of the Royal Enclosure. More wailing is heard from Cromwell. He smashes through and appears at the other end charging at full pace, with the barrel of gunpowder speared on his lance, the fuse almost gone.
CROMWELL.
HELP!
Cromwell charges off into the distance and out of shot. Then a massive explosion is heard.
CUT TO
SCENE 12 THE THRONE ROOM INT. DAY
Henry is alone waiting for news. The doors burst open and Cromwell appears, missing bits of armour and looking obviously like he has been in an explosion.
HENRY
Cromwell? Well how did it go?
He lifts the helmet off and smoke comes out.
CROMWELL
I've come up with another plan Your Majesty.
END
