Sitcom excerpt

INT. ALISON'S KITCHEN. DAY. 08.30

THE KITCHEN IS STYLISH BUT TASTEFUL. ALISON, EARLY THIRTIES, PETITE, ATTRACTIVE, PERHAPS A BIT OF A BLUE STOCKING, IS MAKING COFFEE. ON THE TABLE ARE CEREAL BOWLS AND AN AIRTIGHT PLASTIC CONTAINER FILLED WITH MUESLI.

ALISON REPLACES THE COFEE IN THE CUPBOARD, THEN DELIBERATELY SLAMS THE DOOR. SHE LOOKS UP AND LISTENS. THEN TAKES OUT THE COFFEE FILTER AND DROPS IT IN THE PEDAL BIN, WHICH CLANGS SHUT. AGAIN SHE COCKS AN EAR. THEN CLANGS THE BIN AGAIN. AND AGAIN. THERE IS THE SOUND OF FEET ON THE STAIRS.

KEVIN ENTERS, SCRATCHING HIMSELF. HE IS MID THIRTIES, ORDINARY LOOKING, BORDERING ON GEEKY. AT THIS MOMENT HE IS BLEARY EYED AND DISHEVELLED.

KEVIN
Morning.

ALISON
Oh you're up. I didn't wake you?

KEVIN
No - besides there are better ways to spend the day than sleeping.

KEVIN PUT HIS HANDS AROUND ALISON'S WAIST AND ATTEMPTS TO LEAN IN AND KISS HER. ALISON NEATLY SLIPS OUT OF HIS GRASP BEFORE HE IS ABLE TO DO SO.

ALISON
I suppose you would like some breakfast?

KEVIN
Great. I'm famished.

ALISON
Cereal do?

KEVIN EYES THE MUESLI DOUBTFULLY.

KEVIN
Er... fine.

KEVIN SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.

KEVIN (CONT.)
This is some place you've got. I got lost looking for the bathroom, and stumbled into a closet! You are quite the sportswoman aren't you? Golf, fishing, rock climbing. I wouldn't have thought you had the build for rugby. What position do you play?

ALISON
Wing attack. But I don't play anymore.

KEVIN
I was never much at ball games. Used to fish as a kid though. On the canal. Never caught anything. Well, except that once when I fell in and caught Weil's disease. It's spread by rats you know.

ALISON
Like the black death?

KEVIN
Not exactly, to catch bubonic plague you would need to be bitten by a rat flea.

ALISON
And you don't have fleas? That's good to know.

KEVIN
For Weil's you just have to drink the rat's urine.

ALISON TAKES A CARTOON OF JUICE OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND PLONKS IT IN FRONT OF HIM.

ALISON
I usually start the day with orange juice. Help yourself.

KEVIN
Ta.

KEVIN POURS THE JUICE, AND SUCCEEDS IN GETTING A QUARTER OF A GLASS OUT BEFORE IT EMPTIES.

ALISON
Oh. Sorry I thought I had more than that.

KEVIN
If you like I could nip out and get some. I could pick up some croissants.

ALISON
No!! You don't have time! I mean I am sure you'll be wanting to get away.

KEVIN PUTS HIS HAND OVER HERS.

KEVIN
I'm not one of those guys who can't wait to leave in the morning.

ALISON
No, I didn't think you were. (SHE PULLS HER HAND AWAY.) I just meant that you will have plans. Places you need to be. Things to do.

KEVIN
Not really. I was hoping we could do something together. We could go fishing.

ALISON
That would be.. different. But I am afraid I have made arrangements today to… do… things.

KEVIN
Only I thought it would be a chance to get to know one another better.

ALISON BRINGS THE COFFEE AND SITS BESIDE KEVIN.

ALISON
Last night was… great. Really. Only I think it has all been happening a little too quickly.

UNSEEN BY THE OTHERS BEN HAS ENTERED, AND IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY, HOLDING A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE. HE IS TALL, BROAD SHOULDERED AND RUGGEDLY HANDSOME.

ALISON (CONT.)
I wouldn't normally bring a man home.

BEN
Normally you'd make do with a bus shelter, eh pet?

ALISON
(JUMPING UP) You're supposed to be in New York.

BEN
The shoot was in the can, so I caught the earlier flight. No need for me to ask what you've been up to while I've been away. Are you not going to introduce us?

ALISON
Ben this is Kevin. Kevin this is an arse.

BEN
Pleased to meet you Kevin.

KEVIN
Hi.

ALISON
Don't mind Ben, he comes with the house.

KEVIN
Oh. (PUZZLED)You live here?

ALISON
He's included in the inventory.

BEN
Part of the fixtures and fittings. A period feature you might say.

ALISON
Like blue asbestos.

BEN
So, Kevin, known Ali long?

BEN SITS DOWN AND REACHES ACROSS FOR THE JUICE CARTON. HE TRIES UNSUCCESSFULLY TO REFILL HIS GLASS.

KEVIN
Well, actually...

ALISON
We met last night.

BEN CRUSHES THE JUICE CARTON IN HIS HAND.

BEN
That's fast work there Kevin! A bit of a smooth talking bastard are you?

KEVIN
(PLEASED) I like to think I am quite personable.

BEN
I bet you do.

KEVIN
But of course it is much easier to be relaxed with someone if you have got to know them first...

ALISON
Yes, but we just hit it off. It was like we had known one another months.

BEN
So a couple of drinks then, a rohypnol chaser, and back to your place?

KEVIN
Ha ha. No it was not quite like that.

ALISON
That's right. We skipped the drinks. And roofies give me wind. Anyhow, no need - you know me, impulsive.

BEN
As a formally constituted public enquiry.

KEVIN
Of course in a sense we had known one another for months. From chatting online.

BEN
Online?

KEVIN
Singles2couples.com. It's a great way of meeting people.

ALISON
(DEFENSIVE) Lots of people meet that way these days.

BEN
I'm sure its just the thing, if you are single. And desperate.

KEVIN
You would be surprised. I have been on loads of dates with charming, beautiful, accomplished women. This time I'm hoping there's going to be a second date.

KEVIN HOLDS ALISON'S HAND. SHE SMILES FAINTLY.

KEVIN (CONT.)
There so much to learn about one another. (TO ALISON) You never even mentioned that you had a lodger!

BEN
Probably didn't seem important.

ALISON
It isn't.

KEVIN
Of course it makes sense with a house this size. I was saying to Alison that this is an an absolutely fantastic home she has here.

BEN
I like it.

KEVIN
Too big for one person though. (TO ALISON) And I guess you need help with the mortgage?

ALISON
Unfortunately, yes.

KEVIN
It's beautifully furnished.

BEN
Oh yes, Alison certainly has the touch. You've been upstairs of course? Approve of the decor? How about the bedroom?

KEVIN
It's all great.

BEN
And the bed? Comfy enough? Not too soft?

KEVIN
Well, you know how it is, you never sleep properly in a strange bed...

BEN NODS HIS HEAD, UNDERSTANDINGLY.

BEN
And how about my wife? No complaints there?

ALISON JUST SHAKES HER HEAD.

KEVIN
Your...?

BEN
Another detail Alison forgot to mention when you were putting the world wide web to rights? Mind like a sieve that girl.

ALISON
Really? I think you'll find that this girl has a memory like an elephant. A really pissed off elephant.

KEVIN
I should probably be going.

ALISON
There's no need.

BEN
No you make yourself at home. Sorry about the bed. You're right, it is too soft. I've told Alison our bed is too soft. It is not comfortable. Alison, how could you ask anyone to sleep in our bed?

KEVIN
Look I think there's been a misunderstanding...

ALISON
Our bed. Not our skittle-legged walnut refectory table.

BEN
That bloody table!

ALISON
I liked that table!

BEN
Well you were the one who took the axe to it.

ALISON
Firewood was all it was fit for after that trollop had polished it with her fat arse. You didn't expect me to eat off it? To have thrown a dinner party maybe? We could have left her there with her legs in the air as a centrepiece: "The strumpet? Oh there's a funny story about that..."

BEN
Well at least I had the decency not to shag anyone else where I had made love to you.

ALISON
That is because I was brought up to know the difference between a duvet and a tablecloth. Mind you if you are going to serve it up on a plate...

KEVIN GLANCES AT A DIAL ON THE WALL.

KEVIN
Is that the time?

ALISON
No. That's a barometer.

KEVIN
Nine hundred and ninety millibars and falling. I should be going.

BEN
So long as you don't feel under any pressure.

ALISON
No stay. We were going to go fishing.

BEN LOOKS PUZZLED.

KEVIN
Is that a good idea? Only it looks like there's a low coming in, bringing rain.

ALISON
Then we'll stay in.

BEN
(SHRUGS) It'll make a change to have company.

And that is as much as I've got. Is it worth persevering with?

Cheers. This is a bit of a departure for me in terms of tone and style, so I was concerned I did not have the pacing right, both in terms of unfolding the story and of hitting the right gag rate.

Really good dialogue.

If I had a criticism, it would be that it was a tad too civilised. I think the premise of the girl trying to get revenge over her husband is good, but I think you could have put a lot more menace in there and made me feel more uncomfortable.

At the moment, I couldn't see Kevin actually feeling really threatened. I'd want to see Ben 'accidentally' dropping things and damaging things.

Just my opinion though - and I don't know where you are planning to go with it.

I got a clear idea of the characters' personalities from the dialogue, and the pacing and tone really worked in my head, from her hesitancy with Kevin to the sharp retorts with Ben. Like your use of visuals, utilising simple props and set. Some lovely lines, especially liked the barometer one, and the "skittle-legged walnut refectory table"/"duvet-tablecloth" ones.

I was never much at ball games. Used to fish as a kid though. On the canal. Never caught anything. Well, except that once when I fell in and caught Weil's disease. It's spread by rats you know.

The last sentence feels a bit stuck on to me and therefore slightly awkward (though I can picture it in a Lee Mack-style delivery) - wonder if you had her say "Weil's Disease?" before it, it might aid the flow. Then again, being a geeky type, he'd probably feel the compulsion to explain about the disease immediately.

That's the only point I can recall, once I got into it, there wasn't anything I didn't like, and it maintained my interest throughout.

Cheers for the feedback. I am encouraged to persevere.

My favourite bit

KEVIN
Is that the time?

ALISON
No. That's a barometer.

KEVIN
Nine hundred and ninety millibars and falling. I should be going.

Quality line.

I agree with many of the sentiments expressed by others.

If I had one key criticism, I'd say you could probably cut to the chase a bit quicker. The audience will understand immediately that Ben is Alison's husband or boyfriend, and I think Kevin takes a bit too long to clue in.

The barometer bit is top quality, and overall it hits the ground running with a lot of intrigue. Seems like everyone who has read it wants to know where it is heading so definitely worth perservering with.

I agree with Kasm that it is perhaps a bit too civilised, and with Kevin that it could cut to the chase earlier, but you can iron these things out later.

One thing that confused me though was why Alison was so keen to get Kevin out of the door when she thought Ben was out of the country. Maybe that will be revealed later?

Cheers guys. the structural pointers are very useful - a few things I might need to iron out. But as Badge says I can go back and do that later. What I need to do now is crack on and finish the first draft.

I thought it was great.
Easy to read, easy to picture & some lovely dialogue & funny lines.

Some wonderful dialogue here, I really enjoyed it. You should definitely finish a draft.

Just love the barometer line.

Thanks. Appreciated.