T.W.
Thursday 22nd October 2009 6:58pm [Edited]
15,786 posts
Quote: Roodeye @ October 22 2009, 3:46 PM BST
"When Jan Got Pregnant"
When Jan found she was up the duff, she didn't know what to do.
She'd been out romping in the buff and landed in a stew.
She rang me first to break the news cos I'm her bezzie mate.
No time to lose – to Bargain Booze as fast as I could skate!
"Bacardi Breezers, please" I said, "but I haven't got much money."
"No prob" said Jack. "Come round the back. It'll take two minutes, honey."
I shook my head. "You're very kind but I'll settle up on payday."
I'm quite refined you see and, well, Jack's somewhat past his heyday.
Round at Jan's, we sat and planned like witches in a coven
Just sixteen, she wasn't keen to have one in the oven.
"What's a girl to do?" she asked. "We're going to have to think.
I wonder if he'd marry me?" (She'd had a bit to drink).
We both agreed that all in all her future looked quite bleak
And then she cried for quite a while; it seemed about a week.
"Oh, never mind", she said at last. "It won't be all that bad.
The only thing I can't decide is how to tell my dad."
Her father didn't trust her much, not even to take the dog out
So we needed a ruse to defuse the news she was about to pop a sprog out.
Being her dad, he was bound to be mad but he wasn't at all extreme
And I thought things might just seem all right as part of a grander scheme.
State benefits! A council house! We wrote a lengthy list
And told her dad who heard us out and seemed to get the gist
Of our brilliant plan to shower poor Jan with advantages parental.
He nodded his head at whatever we said . . . and then went f**king mental!
As I read this, in my head I heard the poem as spoken by the voice of Pam Ayres. This is an increasing problem for me whenever I read poetry. Good for yours, but a problem if I'm reading Larkin, Auden or the anti-war poetry of Harold Pinter.
