INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY.
THE DOCTOR IS SEATED AT HIS DESK. A PATIENT ENTERS.
DOCTOR
So Mrs Edmonds what seems to be the trouble?
PATIENT
It's odd, but I seem to be becoming allergic to sunlight. I am afraid to go out because of the effect it has on my skin.
DOCTOR
Ah, photosensitivity, that's not uncommon. So do you come out in a rash?
PATIENT
No, I catch fire.
DOCTOR
That is quite an extreme reaction. How is your health generally? Is your tongue coated?
PATIENT
I wouldn't know. I can't see myself in the mirror.
DOCTOR
So you won't have noticed the fangs then?
PATIENT
Oh, that would explain my husband's hickeys.
DOCTOR
Yes, how is his anaemia by the way?
PATIENT
Much better since he came to see you. Though his breath absolutely reeks of garlic.
DOCTOR
Tell me, do you find you have any reaction to the sight of the blood?
PATIENT
Yes, there was a girl in reception who had cut her finger. It made me come over quite funny.
DOCTOR
And did that pass?
PATIENT
After I had exsanguinated her pure unsullied young body, yes. I hope she is going to be all right. When I left she looked a bit peaky.
DOCTOR
Oh, I am sure she will be up and about in no time. Well after nightfall anyway. I would like to run a few more tests, sprinkling with holy water, that sort of thing, but I am afraid Mrs Edmonds, that you are suffering from a condition known as being undead.
PATIENT
Is that life threatening?
DOCTOR
Well I wouldn't let you come near me without my crucifix. Look I am going to refer you to a specialist. A Dr. Van Helsing. He has developed a procedure for cases such as yours.
PATIENT
What, like keyhole surgery?
DOCTOR
Not exactly.
THE PATIENT LEAVES. THE DOCTOR TAKES OUT A REVOLVER AND LOADS IT WITH A SILVER BULLET.
DOCTOR
(INTO INTERCOM) Nurse, could you send through my next patient?
ANOTHER PATIENT ENTERS. HE IS VERY HAIRY.
DOCTOR
Ah, Mr. Mottram. I think I have found a cure for your hypertrichosis.
END.
