Hello campers. This is the full version of the sitcom set in dear old Wales. Anybody willing to wade through this lot deserves a cyberpint or a real one should I actually meet you at a meet! It's been lightly edited but anyway, I'll shut up now.
Dead and Buried
Scene 1- A Welsh Undertakers Shop
Ext- Shop sign Mabinogion Funeral Home.
Int- Several types of coffin can be seen.
Alfred Mabinogion proprietor is sat at the counter. He's in his late fifties, greying hair. He's reading a women's magazine.
Alfred
A hundred and one beauty products you can't live without. Free nasal hair remover inside.
[He takes nasal hair remover out]
Alfred
Place at base of nostril. Squeeze tight and twist sharply away from nose.
[He places hair remover at base of nostril and tugs away sharply]
Alfred
JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY!
[He writhes in pain holding his nose]
It's an instrument of torture!
Sfx: Shop bell
[An old lady enters the shop. Alfred puts magazine and hair remover under the counter]
Alfred
Good morning. Alfred Mabinogion at your service. How can I help you?
Old Lady
I'd like to bury my husband.
Alfred
Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry for your…
[Whips up a price chart from beneath counter]
…loss. You'll find us very reasonable. Were you looking for something a bit special for your nearest and dearest? We do a lovely themed funeral. Only last week we buried a well known local train spotter. Nice steam engine engraved on the coffin and a guards flag draped across the top. Highly ironic that it was the train he failed to spot that got him in the end.
Old Lady
What nonsense. Waste of money. What's your basic service?
Alfred [under breath]
We could put him in a sack and chuck him in a skip.
Old Lady
I beg your pardon?
Alfred
I said 'don't worry about that, we've all prices to fit!'
Old Lady
Very well so what's the least expensive?
Alfred
We do a very nice oak coffin for under five hundred pounds.
Old Lady
That's your cheapest?
Alfred
Very competitive I'll think you'll find. Pay twice that in Cardiff. I'll even throw in a free nasal hair remover.
[Puts it on counter. There's a long pause while she thinks]
Any unwanted facial hair?
[Alfred taps his fingers and looks at his nails. He speaks, half to himself half to the old lady]
Do you like weddings? Got to go to one this afternoon.
[He looks at watch]
Well maybe not.
Old Lady
Very well it'll have to do.
Alfred
Excellent. Just some details then. When did he pass away?
Old Lady
Oh he's not dead.
Alfred
Not dead.
Old Lady
No.
Alfred
Work with me here.
Old Lady
But he will be soon.
Alfred
Ah, one of those horrible illness'. I'm terribly sorry.
Old Lady
Well don't be. He's only not dead because he has the uncanny ability to find his asthma pump. He suffers terribly with it you know. The next attack could kill him…if I find a good enough place to hide the damn thing.
Alfred
Remarkable.
Old Lady
I know! He sniffs it out like a blood hound. Still one must keep trying. I have a young man who does for me on a Thursday. Like a raging stallion he is and Derek, well Derek just interferes. It'll be better for him this way. I'll make a deposit then. Here's ten pounds.
Alfred
A whole ten pounds.
[Shouting to off stage]
Colin fetch in the savings book!
Old Lady
I don't need to be there do I?
Alfred
Where?
Old Lady
At the funeral.
Alfred
Duw no. Shudder the thought. We'll take care of everything. But that is extra on the deposit. It has to be a hundred I'm afraid. Running costs and admin.
Old Lady
That's extortion!
Alfred
Maybe, but it's not murder is it now.
[Enter Colin with book. He walks slowly to the counter and puts the book overly gently on the top. He then backs away, bows and leaves.]
Old Lady
Is he alright?
Alfred
He's Di-Polar.
Old Lady
Di-Polar?
Alfred
Yes, it's the Welsh version of bi-polar. Normally bi-polar sufferers are slow of thought and deed for half the time but then hyper-active, intelligent, dare I say it bordering on the genius for the other half. However Colin only has the first half. Or he's just peculiar. Take your pick really. Cash cheque or credit card?
Old Lady
Cash
Alfred
You know I told myself there had to be something I'd like about you. If you'll just put your name and address in the book.
[She writes in book]
A headstone?
[She looks up]
Silly me. Right that should do you for now. When Derek finally loses his title as the world's greatest hide and seek player do let us know.
[Enter Rhian]
Rhian
Hello you old skin flint
Alfred
Hello tart
[She goes through shop and disappears through a door behind the counter. Old lady looks at them both quizzically]
It's my daughter. She's having it off with an [beat] Englishman.
Old Lady
Good for her
Alfred
I thought you would approve
[Old lady turns and leaves]
Bye bye! Die soon.
[Alfred picks up the phone and dials]
Hello can I speak to Sergeant Meyrick?
[beat]
Steve, its Alfred. You know you were telling me that your arrest rates have been down lately, well how does attempted murder sound?
[beat]
Yes name, address everything. Now Steve, we both know you've got Gareth 'oops I dropped my radio in the bath' Jenkins down the morgue and I would be most grateful if you sent the grieving widow my way for a bit of tlc and a whacking great funeral to follow.
[beat]
I know your uncle owns the funeral parlour in Blaencwm but he's not giving you a hot tip is he.
[beat]
Afford it? Have you forgotten that the widow Jenkins has a large endowment, including a priceless pair of magnificent breasts.
[Beat]
It's a done deal then?
[Beat]
Excellent. Call around later and I'll give you the necessary.
[Alfred puts down phone. Rhian enters]
Rhian
What you up to you old schemer?
Alfred
Just a nice bit of business.
[He rips page out of savings book and pockets money]
Now, how are my books looking?
Rhian
Amazing really. You don't seem to make any money.
Alfred
Less for the taxman to lay his hands on you see.
Rhian
For twenty-five years!
Alfred
Look, I've always put a bit aside for a rainy day.
Rhian
I'd say more like a tropical thunderstorm. You will have to show a profit dad. I have no idea how you've got away with it till now but they will get you in the end.
Alfred
Showing a profit always gives me gas
Rhian
I don't care. Now when you're at your wedding I will go through the accounts and work out an honest profit return.
Alfred
You just make sure Tweedle Dum and Dummer get away to that funeral on time. I don't trust them. And we'll talk profit margins later.
Rhian
Just as long as we settle on an honest figure that'll be fine. Now you'd better get changed or the car will be here.
Alfred
Right. Just don't write anything down until I come back.
[He exits. Rhian shouts after him]
Rhian
Well I'm not visiting you in jail!
Scene 2
Int: Alfred is tying his tie whilst looking in the mirror. He is in his private office. He has changed into his wedding suit. He raises his nose with his hand and peers up his nostrils.
Alfred
Why do men get hair in such unnatural places? I mean look at it up there. Reminiscent of the darker reaches of the Amazon.
[He strokes the hair on his ears outwards.]
I swear to God they're whiskers
[He looks suspiciously at the nasal hair remover which is now sitting on his desk]
Alfred
Now look here you, we've had one run in today, do you think you could be a bit gentler the second time around?
[He picks up hair remover and he steady's his hand as he places under one of his nostrils]
Alfred
Ok Alfred its only pain. It'll all be worth it when you're tucked up with the delectable Gwyneth Gladwyn tonight. 'How smooth and hairless you are' she'll say. At least she bloody better had.
[He lifts up nostrils and is about to trim away when there's a knock at door]
Sfx: Knock at door
Alfred
Go away! I'm busy
Meyrick
It's Sergeant Meyrick.
Alfred
Oh Christ. Come in!
[Meyrick enters]
Meyrick
Hello Alfred how's things?
Alfred
Mainly terrible
Meyrick
Don't give me that you old fraud. I bet you're doing alright for yourself.
Alfred
You wouldn't happen to know anything about unwanted facial hair by any chance? Gwyneth has been nagging me to go and have one of these male beauty treatments. A coconut anti-ageing facial she called it. Last time I saw a coconut I was aiming a small ball at it. Forty-five quid! So I got one of these nasal hair things. Strangely enough forty-five pounds cheaper. I think they were invented by the Spanish Inquisition.
Meyrick
Alfred Alfred Alfred. Male grooming is very with it these days. I mean look at me. I haven't shaved for weeks. Electrolysis. Fantastic. And feel this.
[He undoes his tunic and shirt and leans over towards Alfred]
Alfred
Do I have to?
Meyrick
Come on man I won't bite!
[Alfred feels his chest reluctantly]
Smoooooth isn't it. That's a full body wax that. I'm as bald as my Uncle Felix under this uniform. The wife loves it. Says it improves my performance. Less friction see.
Alfred
Bloody hell man, I only want some facial hair removed. That sounds more like you've been napalmed.
Meyrick
Have it done once Alfred and you'll never look back.
Sfx: Knock at door
Alfred
Go away.
[Rhian enters accompanied by Colin and Elvis]
Alfred
Didn't you hear me?
Rhian
Perfectly. I thought you'd want to see the boys before they left for their first SOLO job. I got them these cravats. Don't they look good DAD!
Alfred
Very nice. Now look you two…
Rhian
Don't they look smart? DAD!
Alfred
Alright alright you look smart.
Rhian
That's the best I can do I'm afraid lads. Let's go. By the way I took the money out of petty cash.
[They leave]
Alfred
Christ that girl will have me bankrupt before the years out!
Meyrick
Alfred Mabinogion, everybody knows you're minted.
Alfred
Well I'm less minted since you've become sergeant and are heartily recommending the Blaencwm Funeral Home to the grieving relatives. Which I may add is some three miles further away from the police station.
Meyrick
Well William's my uncle. My dad would be devastated if I let Dyfed's favourite undertaker go under.
Alfred
Now you listen here matey. I sponsored the police choir last year and made a generous donation to the Christmas box.
Meyrick
Technically I would not describe your BOGOF offer as sponsorship. Bury One and Get One Free is not everybody's idea of a great sponsorship deal. And the Victorian style mince pies you donated were so far past their sell by date as to be practically authentic.
Alfred
Mince never goes bad
Meyrick
Anyway, we gave you two tickets to the Christmas concert.
Alfred
Yes, well, it's your choir that disproves the rule that everyone in Wales can sing. Your top tenors sounded like they were having their testicles massaged by a cheese grater. There were more choir members than audience and everyone left after the raffle at half time. Including three of the choir. What I want from you is some business. Now what about this attempted murder?
Meyrick
Well to be honest Alfred I'd like you to bury that if possible. You're supposed to be good at that sort of thing.
Alfred
I thought you needed to get your arrests up.
Meyrick
Well two weeks ago I would have said yes but they're downsizing the force in this area and nearly all the boys are being relocated to Swansea.
Alfred
So how many are staying?
Meyrick
Well… one.
Alfred
One
Meyrick
Yes
Alfred
It's you isn't it.
Meyrick
Could be.
Alfred
I see where this is going. You'll be your own boss. Nobody looking over your shoulder. But, if a little crime was to pop up then they might consider leaving a few more in the area. Well Sergeant Meyrick I can be persuaded to conveniently forget what I heard today, but you rarely get a free lunch.
Meyrick
What about I send the next two bodies your way.
[Alfred coughs]
Meyrick
Three
[Alfred coughs]
Meyrick [exasperated]
Well how many then?
Alfred
I'm not a greedy man. Every third one.
Meyrick
What?
Alfred
That's about what it was before you came sidling along. Think of those long lie-ins and liquid lunches you could have. Money for nothing and your kick backs for free!
Meyrick
Ok. Every third one. You drive a hard bargain.
Sfx: Knock at door
[Rhian opens door]
Rhian
Cars here.
Alfred
Right. Mums the word then Sergeant Meyrick.
Meyrick
Good man
[Meyrick leaves]
Rhian
You look lovely dad.
Alfred
Thank you dear.
Rhian
If a little hairy
Alfred
Great.
[He walks out of office into the shop area. He walks passed Elvis and Colin. Colin salutes. They are both standing to attention but Alfred ignores them. He walks out of shot and then returns. He's about to say something but Rhian appears. He looks at her then at them]
Alfred
They're all yours.
[Alfred leaves]
Scene 3
Int: Wedding car. Seated are Alfred and Gwyneth. She eyes Alfred up and down.
Gwyneth
You look [beat] presentable [beat]. You didn't get that facial then?
Alfred
Now don't start Gwyneth it's been a fractious day. Fractious.
[Beat]
Gwyneth
I'm only saying that if you keep going as you are Moses will have a run for his money.
Alfred
Right that's it stop the car.
[He gets out and starts walking. The car pulls up alongside. Gwyneth winds the window down.]
Gwyneth
Get in you old fool.
[Alfred looks at the car. Pauses. Gets back in.]
What's got in to you?
Alfred
Elvis and Colin. They're taking Mr Hopkins body to the funeral today.
Gwyneth
And?
Alfred
And they're useless.
Gwyneth
Surely they can do that.
Alfred
You would think! Last month I put Elvis in charge of labelling. And in fairness he got all the names bang on. Not a spelling mistake.
Gwyneth
Well that's good.
Alfred
All the names but none of the right bloody coffins. There's at least fifteen families putting flowers on the graves of complete strangers up at the cemetery. And God knows what we've been burning in the crematorium. The cat hasn't been seen for three weeks. Look, are you sure I need to be here?
Gwyneth
I am not going to another wedding on my own. Last time I was chatted up by Charlie Banks. I couldn't get away from the man.
Alfred
Charlie's harmless.
Gwyneth
Armless, legless and eyeless. If I didn't know any different I'd think he was burying himself in instalments. And you'd probably do it too!
Alfred
Why does Brenda need to get married anyway? They've lived together for twenty-odd years.
Gwyneth
She's pregnant and call her old fashioned but I think she feels a bit embarrassed about , you know, the bump and her not married and all. Besides they want the child to grow up all legitimate like.
Alfred
What nonsense. A woman of her size could be nine months pregnant and no-one would be any the wiser. And you can walk down to the shops in Cwmbach on any Saturday afternoon and not see a legitimate child in sight. Streets full of little bastards.
Gwyneth
Don't be so cruel Alfred. She has put a bit of weight on but she's got a lovely face and she'd do anything for you.
Alfred
I don't want her do anything for me. What if Elvis crashes the car?
Gwyneth
For Pete's sake Alfred! Just let it go or you'll spoil the day.
Alfred
Spoil what day? A shotgun wedding followed by the finger buffet from hell. The last funeral this lot cooked for nearly ended with a mass burial. For gods sake don't touch the prawn volovants. They're potentially lethal.
Gwyneth
Look Alfred, don't you go stirring it today. In fact I forbid you to talk to anyone until after the reception.
Alfred
I can't do that. These are all potential customers. I mean you never know when you're going to get the call. Look at poor old Gareth Jenkins. One minute he's in the bath listening to Classic FM. The next minute the radio slips in the water and boom! Instead of just listening to The Messiah, he's actually standing next to him! I've even brought along some business cards.
Gwyneth
If you give out those at this wedding there will be no place in my bed for you tonight Alfred Mabinogion, never mind how many G and T's you tempt me with.
Alfred
Alright. But can I least enquire to the health of a few elderly relatives
Gwyneth
I suppose so. But that's all
Alfred
Done
Gwyneth
Now for goodness sake shush, we're at the chapel. There's Brenda. Doesn't she look lovely.
Alfred
Lovely. If you like your Sherman tanks in white.
Scene 4
Int: Funeral home garage. Elvis and Colin are standing by the hearse, coffin at their feet. Rhian is standing in front of them.
Rhian
Ok. Lets run through the check list. Mobile phone?
[Elvis takes phone out of pocket and shows it to Rhian]
Elvis
I'll put it on hands free when we…
Rhian
Do it now Elvis.
Elvis
Right you are.
[He puts phone inside car and attaches to hands free port. He gets back out]
Rhian
Now dads expecting a call as soon as you've delivered Mr Hopkins. Don't forget boys, you know what he's like. If you don't phone he'll think the worst.
Next. Top hats.
[They both pick hats up off Coffin and place them on heads. She adjusts Colin's hat and pinches his cheek]
You look handsome Colin
[He blushes. He puts his hand on his heart and points at Rhian]
Rhian
Thank you Colin. If only you could talk. On second thoughts, perhaps you are the perfect man.
[She then tidy's up Elvis but doesn't say anything. He looks crest fallen. She is about to continue when Elvis catches her eye]
You look handsome too Elvis Jones.
Elvis
Will you marry me?
Rhian
Elvis, you are a lovely man and I'm very flattered, but we both know there's more brains in a mussel shell than in your head. The right girl will come along one day I'm sure. Now let's concentrate. When you wheel Mr Hopkins into the chapel do not forget to remove your hats and bow your heads. It's a sign of respect. Okay?
Elvis
Okay
[Colin nods his head with vigour]
Rhian
I've programmed the SATNAV it will take you right to the door. ANY problems. I mean any. Phone me first before dad. Best not to worry him unnecessarily. Don't drive too fast.
Elvis
I never go above twenty-five miles an hour. I figure if you're in a hurry to get somewhere, leave earlier.
Rhian
O…k. Now everything has been set out. You can't go wrong
[She fixes both with a stare]
Now make me proud of you.
[They both nod. Rhian looks at watch]
It's time. Good luck.
[She kisses both on the forehead]
I'll go and get the doors
[She exits. Colin rests his head on Elvis' shoulder]
Elvis [Patting Colin's head]
I know I know. She's a beautiful person. But she's not for us Colin. I think she loves an Englishman.
[They both get in the car and drive off. The car reverses into shot seconds later. They get back out and put coffin in the back. They get back in car and drive off]
Scene 5
Ext: A Hearse is travelling very slowly up a hill. Behind there's a long line of cars. The one immediately behind is full of yobs shouting and swearing for them to pull over.
Int of Hearse: Elvis is driving and Colin is sat in the passenger seat.
Elvis
Is it time big man?
[Colin nods head. He picks up two drum sticks from floor and steady's himself.
Elvis pushes button on CD player]
Music: The Who-Drum solo from Won't Get Fooled Again
[Colin synchronises to solo perfectly. It ends]
Elvis
Man, you are sure gonna win that air drumming contest next month
[Colin nods enthusiastically]
Ok Colin now no messing from now on. Rhian is depending on us to do a good job. Make her proud. Just deliver the coffin to the church wheel it down the aisle and don't forget to bow your head. Got that?
[Colin nods head]
My first solo job. Mam would have been so proud. God I do need to pee though.
[Elvis pulls off road into a lay by. As he does so the other cars pull past shouting and honking horns. The Hearse pulls to the top of the lay by. It's on a slope.]
Elvis
Right Colin you stay put I'm off for a jimmy.
[Elvis gets out of car and stands by a bush. He's just finishing having a pee and as he turns the car starts rolling backwards down the lay by. Colin is sat in front frozen with fear. It's heading for a big drop.]
Elvis
JUUUUMP!
[Colin doesn't move. The car hits a large rock and stops at the edge of the lay by but the coffin flies out the back and down a slope. Elvis rushes to the car. Colin hasn't moved and is frozen in passenger seat. Elvis opens door and Colin slowly gets out. He looks down. He has a large damp patch by his crotch.]
Sorry Col. Handbrake issues.
[Cut to Elvis and Colin pushing the coffin back up the hill. Eventually they reach the top. But there's no Hearse. Colin and Elvis look at each other. The Hearse drives by with the yobs in it. They moon out of the back. Elvis feels about in his pocket]
Don't suppose you have a mobile phone?
[Colin shakes his head]
Still look on the bright side. I'm sure St. Teilo's is just at the top of the hill here. If we get a shift on we won't be that late.
[They pick up the coffin]
See, it could be worse
[It begins to rain]
Ext: They arrive at the church. They are wet, muddy, unkempt and shattered.
Elvis [breathless]
See…only…fifteen…minutes…late. And look…there's the car.
[Cut to Hearse which is covered in graffiti and has no tyres]
Maybe the trolley's in there?
[Two yobs go down the road on the trolley. Elvisand Colin watch them go down hill.]
Or maybe not. Now let's tidy up and get this coffin down that aisle. Don't forget to bow your head
[They put coffin down, straighten themselves out pick coffin up and stagger towards church door]
Int: Colin (at the back) and Elvis stagger down the aisle bashing the coffin as they go. Heads bowed. Congregation are singing All Things Bright and Beautiful which slowly dies out as they are seen by more and more people.
As they get to the alter Elvis looks up. In front of him is Alfred Mabinogion to the left and two people getting married at the alter. Elvis drops his end of the coffin. The lid falls off revealing the body inside. The bride feints. Alfred walks towards Elvis and puts his face close to him.
Alfred
Do you know what's more disappointing than anything Elvis?
[Elvis shakes his head]
That isn't even Mr Hopkins.
Int: Office. Rhian is sat at her desk going through the books. In an adjoining office Alfred Mabinogion is going crazy at Colin and Elvis. Every time he slams something she winces. The door opens and the three enter.]
Alfred
And don't think it's going to stop there! Oh no. Not only will you work for no wages for a month, If I get sued by that over-bearing cow Gwyneth Gladwyn for ruining her nieces wedding the costs are coming out of your wages! Do you understand?
Elvis
Yes Mr Mabinogion
[Colin nods enthusiastically]
Alfred
And I can assure you Elvis Jones if I hadn't promised your mother to look after you on her death bed you would be out on your ear. Now, get yourselves down to the cemetery and dig that grave I asked you to do yesterday! You can dig a grave can't you? Because you certainly can't deliver a body!
[beat]
Well? GET OUT!
[They hurry off]
Rhian
Calm yourself dad or you'll do yourself a mischief. Now we both know Gwyneth Gladwyn is not going to sue you because the reason you were invited to that wedding is because you've been giving her one for the last five years.
Alfred
It's called courting if you don't mind.
Rhian
And that hearse was insured for far more than it was actually worth wasn't it?
Alfred
Maybe.
Rhian
So why don't you go and put your feet up in the office and I'll bring you a nice cup of tea.
Alfred
I'd rather have a scotch.
Rhian
Tea it is then
[She pushes him into the office]
Ext: We see a grave. Dirt is being shovelled out of the grave and landing on the side.
Int: Elvis and Colin are at the bottom of the grave.
Elvis
That's about deep enough. It's well above our heads now.
[They go to get out but realise the holes too deep]
Elvis
Now what did Mr Mabinogion say. Once the hole gets over your waist only one person should dig at a time.
[Colin points at Elvis then himself and holds two fingers up]
Elvis
Yes Colin. And always ensure the ladder is at one end of the grave.
[They both look at end of grave and there's nothing there]
Elvis
It's a pity you can't speak Colin because we could really do with two voices at the moment. I expect someone will be along in a minute though. It's a very busy cemetery.
[Cut to exterior of grave]
See, it could be worse.
[It begins to rain]
End of episode 1
