Job Centre #2

A feeble attempt at writing an old-skool, Two Ronnies-stylee, "irritating man who answers questions in an unusual way" type of skit.

I've already been told it's not funny, so I'd appreciate any ideas. Is the central idea sound?

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INT. A JOB CENTRE. DAY.

ADVISOR:
Ah, Darren, isn't it? Your very first visit to a job centre. Let's try to make sure it's your last, shall we? Now, I understand you've just taken your GCSEs, is that right?

DARREN:
I… um…

ADVISOR:
Well?

DARREN:
I'm sorry. I'm not very good with questions…

ADVISOR:
I see.

DARREN:
…unless they're multiple-choice.

ADVISOR:
Really?

DARREN:
I… err…

ADVISOR:
Really? [BEAT] Really? Oh, wait, I get it. Really? A) Yes. B) No.

DARREN:
A) Yes.

ADVISOR:
Teaching for the test really has got pretty bad, hasn't it? Let's press on. What grade did you get for English?

DARREN:
Um…

ADVISOR:
Okay, was it A) A, B) B, C) C or D) D?

DARREN:
C) C. No, wait, it was D) D.

ADVISOR:
Are you sure? [BEAT] A) Yes or B) No.

DARREN:
A) Yes.

ADVISOR:
And what about maths... Actually, this is pointless. I'll just put you down for Ds for everything, shall I? A) Yes or B) Yes.

DARREN:
B) Yes. I suppose.

ADVISOR:
Great. Now, looking at the computer, I see that we have few entry-level positions that we could put you up for. Heathrow is looking for a baggage handler, there's a cleaning job in the children's department at Television Centre, and the British Association of Black Criminal Attorneys And Barristers needs a receptionist. Which shall it be: A) BAA, B) CBBC or C) BABCAAB?

DARREN:
Can I phone a friend?

ADVISOR:
No.

END

Well, I thought it was funny! I also thought it had the Two Ronnies cleverness. Maybe the end could have been a bit funnier - the phone a friend doesn't seem right because it sounds like it came from a different spoof.

Darren just saying EH? and the advisor going on into further confusion thinking he said 'A' might be a richer area? Just my opinion.

But I liked it.

I thought it was funny, very much a two Ronnies thing.
I think you need to do more of the acronyms,and make it half again as long.
I agree with Kasm,You need to go deeper into the confusion area, also; cut the EH thingy. Over all I liked it

Cheers guys. Fraid I don't really understand what "EH" means though.

Eh? Pronounced like the letter 'A' but normally said when you don't understand something.

I enjoyed it. The ending is a slight tangent, but I think it works okay.

Quote: Kasm @ October 16 2009, 3:24 PM BST

Eh? Pronounced like the letter 'A' but normally said when you don't understand something.

View original

Oh, got it. Ta.

I like.

I particularly enjoyed the 'Is it A) BAA, B) CBBC...' bit.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ October 9 2009, 12:10 PM BST

Is the central idea sound?

View original

I agree, Kevvin - a great idea, however; a few things stood out for me - so many in fact, that I decided to list them.

One – First off you state , 'INT. A JOB CENTRE. DAY.' So we assume the set is built and is for all intents and purposes - a Job Centre; therefore there is no need for the Advisor's dialogue; 'Your very first visit to a job centre'. Darren knows he's in a Job Centre and the Advisor is employed by the job centre – so; ''Your very first visit' will suffice. Second thoughts – there's no need for any of it – it's superfluous. Just state in the directions that Darren is nervous, that's all you need to do.

Two – What's all this [BEAT] about? Yeah, maybe it looks cool – even cooler with the correct curved (BRACKETS), but don't worry about it, leave the short ,sharp, pauses (?) to the director – that's his/her job. Concentrate on the main job in hand, i.e., the correct format and natural dialogue. If you must denote a 'beat' use ellipses...

Three – The dialogue " A) A, B) B, C) C or D) D?" Huh? An actor has to actually read that! It looks more like Algebra! (See my interpretation in edit). Also you have a lot of unnecessary dialogue (See my...etc.)

Four – The 'British Association of Black Criminal Attorneys And Barristers' does not exist. There are similar but not with that exact (contrived) title.( Google - No results found for "British Association of Black Criminal Attorneys And Barristers".) That was contrived - and dare I say - lazy. You should research a suitable acronym as I did (See my...etc,).

Five – The punchline is is good but quite old. It was used quite a lot when 'Millionaire' first came out. I saw it used to good effect in 'Corrie'!. You can stay with the 'Millionaire' theme but something a little different for the punchline, I think.

Anyway, here's my version.

________________________________________________________________________________

INT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.

ADVISOR IS TYPING AT COMPUTER. DARREN APPROACHES NERVOUSLY AND TAKES A SEAT OPPOSITE THE ADVISOR WHO DOESN'T LOOK UP
.
ADVISOR:
(OFFHAND) Name?

DARREN:
I… um…

ADVISOR:
(LOOKS UP) Well?

DARREN:
I'm sorry... I'm not very good... with questions…

ADVISOR:
(TAKEN ABACK) What?

DARREN:
…unless they're multiple-choice.

ADVISOR:
Really? Oh, wait - Ah, yes, I get it - 'Millionaire'.

DARREN: (CHUFFED) That's it.

ADVISOR:- I'm a fan too - Right? - A for 'yes', B for 'no'.

DARREN:
A

ADVISOR:
Corrrr - act! Now what grade GCSE did you get for English?

DARREN:
Um…

ADVISOR:
A, B, C or D?

DARREN:
C --- (QUICKLY) --- no, it was D.

ADVISOR:
Are you sure? - A for 'yes' - 'B' for 'no'.

DARREN:
A.

ADVISOR:
(GIVES UP WITH A SIGH) Shall I put you down as Ds for everything? - A for 'yes' - B' for 'no'.

DARREN:
A.

ADVISOR:
Great. (LOOKS AT COMPUTER SCREEN) British Airways Authority - Baggage handler; BBC Television Centre - a cleaner - and the British Atomic Scientists Association needs a receptionist. So what shall it be - A - BAA? B - BBC? Or - C - BASA?

DARREN:
Can I phone a friend?

ADVISOR:
(POSITIVELY) No.

DARREN:
Why not?

ADVISOR:
(ANNOYED) You want - A - 'because you haven't got any ?' - Or - B - 'F**k Off''?

DARREN:
Can I go 'fifty-fifty'?

ADVISOR SCOWLS AND CLENCHES HIS FIST AT DARREN.

DARREN STANDS AND BACKS AWAY SCARED.

DARREN:
I... I'll take that as a B, then.

DARREN HURRIES OUT.

________________________________________________________________________________

Quote: Morrace @ October 16 2009, 5:41 PM BST

I agree, Kevvin - a great idea, however; a few things stood out for me - so many in fact, that I decided to list them.

View original

I appreciate the lengths you've gone to here Morrace

One – First off you state , 'INT. A JOB CENTRE. DAY.' So we assume the set is built and is for all intents and purposes - a Job Centre; therefore there is no need for the Advisor's dialogue; 'Your very first visit to a job centre'. Darren knows he's in a Job Centre and the Advisor is employed by the job centre – so; ''Your very first visit' will suffice. Second thoughts – there's no need for any of it – it's superfluous. Just state in the directions that Darren is nervous, that's all you need to do.

It was written for the radio. My Word file has only ever had it as a radio sketch. The INT slug I must have added purely for this post. Not sure why, as it is, as you say, totally unnecessary.

– What's all this BEAT about? Yeah, maybe it looks cool – even cooler with the correct curved (BRACKETS), but don't worry about it, leave the short ,sharp, pauses (?) to the director – that's his/her job. Concentrate on the main job in hand, i.e., the correct format and natural dialogue. If you must denote a 'beat' use ellipses...

Fair comment.

Three – The dialogue " A) A, B) B, C) C or D) D?" Huh? An actor has to actually read that! It looks more like Algebra! (See my interpretation in edit). Also you have a lot of unnecessary dialogue (See my...etc.)

I don't think your "A for Yes" interpretation would work, truth be told. At least not with my ending.

"A) A" is supposed to be read aloud "A A". The idea is that it gets more complicated into the ending, which read aloud would be "A B A A B C B B C C C A B C A A B" or something. It was kind of the whole point, really.

Four – The 'British Association of Black Criminal Attorneys And Barristers' does not exist. There are similar but not with that exact (contrived) title.( Google - No results found for "British Association of Black Criminal Attorneys And Barristers".) That was contrived - and dare I say - lazy. You should research a suitable acronym as I did (See my...etc,).

I was aiming for contrived and unnecessarily long. Four letters wouldn't really cut it, and I spent a good ten minutes googling for something longer without success so I made it up. I think I can be forgiven for that, no?

Darren's not a real person either.

Five – The punchline is is good but quite old. It was used quite a lot when 'Millionaire' first came out. I saw it used to good effect in 'Corrie'!. You can stay with the 'Millionaire' theme but something a little different for the punchline, I think.

Agreed. It was pretty lazy.

Anyway, here's my version.

It's certainly no worse than mine.

ADVISOR:
Really? Oh, wait - Ah, yes, I get it - 'Millionaire'.

DARREN: (CHUFFED) That's it.

Probably a better premise than my "education gone bad" one, now I think about it. The "teaching the test" thing seemed to fit better with the job centre setting, but your way is more internally consistent.

Good points there, Kevin. I think I see where you were coming from now. Wish I'd known it was written for radio, though!

Quote: Morrace @ October 16 2009, 6:22 PM BST

Wish I'd known it was written for radio, though!

View original

Mea culpa.

I think I must have put the TV slug in because my draft for radio starts with a super-lame FX cue that I didn't want to reproduce here.

Sorry 'bout that.

Like the general premise and overall works fairly well.

If you're going for the "Millionaire" theme, how about the job centre adviser's personality becomes a bit like Chris Tarrant, e.g. Darren at some point chooses a job that sounds reasonable, and the advisor says "....but we don't want to give you that" before giving another long acronym.

Admittedly, is another fairly old gag but thought it might fit if that's the way you're going.

I thought the gist of it was that GCSE's are all multiple choice. That's why our hero can only answer using them.

I always put (pause) or (beat) in my sketches too. Find it helps with the rhythm. I read it through and it worked really well (in my head anyway)

I also, like the A-a, B-b, etc. I'd quite like to see the job centre chap getting slightly impatient in his delivery.

Have you sent this off to The Works? Reckon it would fit quite well!

I thought it very funny but I'd put job positions [at the end] such as politician/Prime minister/chief of police etc